I hate my abusive middle aged mother. I tried, now I feel completely trapped.

[Flutterbye]

It is normal for me to have nightmares, they have lessened as I have gotten older, but that might just be age. I often have nightmares about my mother, who is more than often trying to control something I am doing, humiliating me, beating me or just her face can be enough.

 

I left home at around 16 years old and finding that I couldn't still really get away from her ran away to the city to lose myself and find a new beginning. She was a physically abusive parent, she would verbally abuse me and try to convince me I was insane and that everything was my fault, especially when I was being beaten.

 

She would try to avoid my face so as not to leave any evidence of her twisted behaviour and alert family and friends. She had plastered my face with make up one evening before my dad came home so he wouldn't see my black eye, and bribed me with getting my hair done. I remained silent through out and tried not to cry in case the thick make up ran and she would beat me again.

 

I must have been around 11 years old when we were playing with our dog in the kitchen. I was always too scared to make decisions for myself as they were always the 'wrong' ones and would therefore do anything to avoid being slapped kicked or punched. I was desperate for the toilet and had asked if I could go. The downstairs loo was right next to the kitchen door. I was told no, and that I had to stand there while she played catch with the dog and I fetched the ball. Too scared to move, I wet myself there in the kitchen. On seeing this, she made me strip to nothing and stand in a cold shower while she called me a dirty little ******* who stinks of p**s, while she watched me shiver in the freezing water. I'll never forget how she looked at my body, to this day it still freaks me out.

 

Over the years she has humiliated me in public by lying about me and getting people to laugh at my expense, while all the time looking at me in the eye. Beaten me with the vacum, a shovel, an extension cable reel and always said if I fought back, she would ******* kill me.

 

My dad left her for another woman and she married ... I question saying the word 'man'.. he is the lowest form of life I could imagine. I knew from the very first time I saw him and he snarled at me, that this was just the beginning.

 

My dad was having an affair, it seems that everyone knew, and although it is no excuse he kept it away from home, where as my mother would bring this stranger into our house where she would giggle and mess around with him when she thought I was alseep. I was the only witness. But I was also the only one who could get her into trouble, but also unwittingly engage in her revenge.

 

I was sent to live with other family and her and my dad split up, she became violent with him. He promised to stay in touch with me when he could. He gave her money to buy a small house and put money in the bank for us both.

 

The new guy in her life was living with us in the new house and from the minute I came home, I regretted it. He treated me like his own personal fetch and carry and if I didn't do it straight away, he would summon my mother and make something up to get me a beating. He had pet (hate) names for me which my mother would sit and giggle at like a dizzy school girl and his snarls only got worse, he used to spit on me when my mother was out of the room and shout her if I started to talk back, so I kept quiet.

 

One summer in particular he decided it would be funny if he (the right wing fanatic) would trim our german shepherds head hair into the shape of a swastika and ink it in with a perm black marker. He was my dog, which meant I had to walk him about and parade the poor animal. My mother helped him with everything.

 

Before dinner one evening I was asked by her if I wanted cheese with my salad, I replied 'no', to which I was stretched over the hot cooker with a knife at my throat and told I would "******* take it or die".

 

After many years of this type of abuse on a daily basis I felt I was old enough to go it alone (16), I would be safer and not held prisoner at least. I had missed two years due to her controlling behaviour and ridiculous regime. I had been raped at knife point on my way home and knew I couldn;t tell my mother, as she would beat me and tell me I deserved it. I had been a virgin, but she would often call me a dirty ******* s**t, so this would just confirm everything I thought.

 

A few years later I was in a relationship and pregnant and looking forward to the future and having a different sort of family. Around 8 months into the pregnancy I was being physically and mentally abused by my partner who had also threatened to kill me if I told anyone or tried to leave. My past dealings with abusive people had told me this might possible be true. My past was also more than likely what had lead me to this person.

 

Not long after our son was born, he was killed and it seemed I was free. I had called my mother with whom I had been trying to salvage some sort of relationship, but she replied she couldnt get time of work...ever. I was alone and starting again, again.

 

15 years later I had managed to completely turn my life around and had become much more confident, beginning to like and respect myself and enjoy being alive. I had tried to end my life twice already and had done hard drugs and carved writing into my arm. It made me feel like I was feeling something different, anything different was better.

 

The last few years have been difficult as I have been quite ill and unable to work. I nearly died 2 years ago but was actually able to say I had lived a good life. The only thing I was worried about was leaving my son. My mother helped me in my time of need and our relationship seemed to be on the right track. After much deliberation and continual requests from my mother I agreed to move my son and I nearer to her.

 

I am regretting this severely. The woman is poison. She has hate seeping from every pore and makes it her mission to bitch, moan and bring every one else down with her. She is a bare faced liar, who even when found out, still acts like a child and gets up and walks out. She has joked about her beating me, she has tried to cause a rift bewtween my son and I, which did not work and admits that her bitching makes her feel better and wind down after going home from work.

 

She denies everything from my childhood.

 

I hate this woman so much at times I can hardly breathe. I wake up in tears and want to scream at the top of my lungs.

 

I know she talks about me and tells lies about me to anyone who will listen, which may have something to do with the fact that no one speaks to me and looks at me strangely when I have visited her work.

 

I don't want the woman near me, I can't stand the way she looks, her movements, her voice and the poison she spouts. It has taken me years to rid myself of this and now I am back to square one. These feelings of being trapped are taking me to the edge and she knows it.

 

As much as I want to just get away, she has helped us financially to get settled and even though I am not earning I am paying her back every month. This is whats keeping me here. I don't want to be in her debt, to owe her anything, I want to be free. I want my life back!

 

I hate her, I HATE her, I HATE HER!!

 

But I am trapped here and I am so unbelievably worried that she will mess up my sons childhood.

 

Thank you for reading, I apologise for such a long post.

[Eve]

There has been so much that has happened to you and the worst thing is that the cycle is being repeated. Within my own circumstance I moved away and didnt go back until I was forced to stop ignoring very powerful dreams about my mother. I went back too and guess what - we couldnt bridge the gap. It was too wide. Still I am glad years later, I was able to see her on her death bed and forgive her.

 

There were things which my mother did do which I value to this day but I have had to accept that even those things were something she had wanted to do for herself and was not really about me and my needs. In the end I had to learn to give myself the things which I so craved. If I did not do this my children would not have the healthy person I am today. A large part of my new life has been my faith.. learning to live in faith has healed me completely and man I was really messed up!

 

I would say that you need to find a safe place to talk things through and pray for direction. If you are not a person of faith I would find a helpline in the first instance and just talk about things... sometimes the helplines which offer prayer are really good.

 

You could have a long journey ahead. In my heart of hearts I hope that you could both work through all of this but I understand what it is when that is not possible.

 

Whatever you do, the only way through this is to work on yourself. Please do not keep trying to change her.

 

Regards,

Eve xx

[shadowplay]

I'm sorry I didn't see this post earlier. I hope you get my response.

 

Do whatever it takes to get away from your mother and completely cut any remaining ties. It's obvious this woman will never change, and that she lured you back into her trap so she could continue to control and abuse you. Whatever you do, don't EVER, EVER leave your son in her care, even for a few minutes, or give her access to your house! If you have to see your mother, hire a babysitter and don't bring your son along. You have the power to stop the cycle now and prevent him from enduring the same pain you did.

 

It's hard to be a single mother, but you can make it work without relying on your mother's financial support. Take care of yourself and your son and get some counseling. There are abuse/women support groups and centers that will counsel people for free.

 

Realize that you ARE worthy of love like everybody else; the only difference is you had the terrible luck of being born to this woman. I am sure you are a very sweet person. What I wouldn't give to go back in a time machine, cradle you in my arms and rescue you from that childhood. There was/is nothing inherently wrong with you, but with your mother. She is a sadistic piece of human excrement who tried to crush your self esteem in order boost hers. Don't give her that power over you! Get it into your head that you're worthy of love, because you ARE.

 

You can find love in a partner eventually once you heal yourself, but until then just focus on taking care of yourself and your son. Right now you're too much in danger of entering another abusive relationship.

 

The first step is breaking ties with your mother, the second is getting a job, and the third is getting into counseling. Actually, I would change the order of those steps and call your local abuse center immediately so you can get some support. Keep calling places until you find one that will take you asap. Also, do you have health insurance? If you do, call them up or go online and get a list of therapy providers in your area. People on your insurance plan will be cheap. Usually you only have to pay a 10-15 dollar copay for each session. If you don't have insurance, a lot of states provide free insurance so you might want to look into that. I can't stress how important therapy is for you and your son.

 

Once you are healed, you will be ready to enter a healthy relationship and lead a happy life. Start now. You're a beautiful person -- I know you can do it!

 

Btw, don't worry about repaying your mother until you really feel financially secure. You owe her NOTHING, and she has no business demanding that you repay her given what an evil witch she was to you. Just stop answering her calls, and don't fall for her manipulations (like being nice to you). Don't feel guilty. I'll say it again: YOU OWE HER NOTHING.

 

Stop thinking of her as your mother. She's not a mother.

 

Once you get your life in order you may also try looking for a mother figure elsewhere who can undo some of the damage your biological mother did. One idea is to volunteer at a nursing home and befriend some of the women there. Just avoid abusive people like the plague.

 

Also, report back here on your progress.

[samsungxoxo]

Wow that's the saddest abuse story I ever heard. Nothing worst than your own mother, the person that's suppost to protect you and provide affection would scarred you physically and emotionally to the point of degrading your self-esteem. By all means cut ties with her for good and don't bring your son at her place without adult supervision.

 

Sorry to hear you had to be born to a psychopath because that is what she is, a total sadistic demon.

[nicki]

My goodness. You have endured so much. Everything that happened to you was so very wrong.

 

Support for YOU is the first step. Call the local battered womens' or domestic violence shelter. They will give you free counseling. Most battered women have childhoods like yours.

 

I will tell you that the counseling I received from the local shelter saved my sanity. It helped me get the validation and support that I had never had. I would like you to experience that.

 

I've been down your road with trying to reconcile with my own mother, and it brought me heartache and confusion. I'm glad I tried it, but I'm glad I saw that she would never act in any way other than to serve herself.

 

It's best to step back and realize that your priorities are to protect your son and to protect yourself. Perhaps the only responsibility you have towards your mom is make sure she is one day taken care properly in a state run nursing home.

 

You don't need to have a relationship with her. You can get the mothering you need from your counseling sessions. Your mom is abusive and of course you are angry about it. You yourself are a mother and you know what you missed out on from her.

 

Take that anger and create action. Can you move away from her? You really don't want her around your son, do you?

 

My father was also abusive. He has seen my children twice in 18 years, with my supervision. I would never ever move anywhere near him. I can now protect myself.

 

So can you. Move far away and cut your contact down to nothing, or to superficial at best.

 

How can you have any kind of relationship with someone who denies the truth of what she did to you? You simply can't. It denies you all over again.

[Eve]

Flutterbye - I was thinking about what helped me the most when I was in your situation. In the end, I gave my mothers position over to books. I accepted that she was never going to change, broke all contact and books became my mother. Ths came about after noting how normal interactions between mother and child occur. It seems that the child needs to be able to jump in and out of the mothers personal space and then eventually learn how to comfort themself.

 

I never had this but kept trying to jump in and out her personal space whilst looking for comfort etc. Each time I tried I was mostly brushed aside. When I gave books her position I was able to read to my hearts content and learned how to direct my attention to things which comforted and instructed me.

 

Find something which can work for you because right now there is a vacancy in your life for a mother. You can learn to comfort and instruct yourself.

 

Break the cycle.

 

Regards,

Eve xx

[nicki]

Eve, you are right! I also read a bunch of books to take the place of my mom.

 

I found comfort in self-help and psychology books about parenting. They said the "right" things that my mom wouldn't. Watching the TV show, "Full House" or the "Brady Bunch" also helped me see what good parenting might look like.

 

I tried to imagine that was me as child (and now) getting that kind of response. It really helped me!

 

But, we still the need the comfort of a loving human being. For some, that can be a trusted counselor, a yoga teacher (mine) or a group facilitator at a battered women's shelter...or even a friend...someone who embodies a natural empathetic personality...something missing in the abusive mom.

 

I also went to my mother over and over again to get comfort. After not getting my needs met time and time again, I had to realize that she simply couldn't give that to me, and I had to get it somewhere else.

 

So my relationship with her went superficial, and my relationship with other people who could give went deeper.

[Eve]

But, we still the need the comfort of a loving human being. For some, that can be a trusted counselor, a yoga teacher (mine) or a group facilitator at a battered women's shelter...or even a friend...someone who embodies a natural empathetic personality...something missing in the abusive mom.

 

I also went to my mother over and over again to get comfort. After not getting my needs met time and time again, I had to realize that she simply couldn't give that to me, and I had to get it somewhere else.

 

So my relationship with her went superficial, and my relationship with other people who could give went deeper.

 

Yes! I SO agree! It took me ages to stop being a doormat though. I became highly protective of myself and developed all sorts of anxiety issues and suffered really bad depressions. Now I can see that I was still tuned in to all that was unsaid and needed to find ways of releasing a build up of negative energy. Books balanced out my intentions and taught me how to safeguard myself. But I certainly second all of the positive, people/self influences you have sited. For me, I had to learn how to be 'with myself' (I dont say 'on my own' anymore).. Only then could I be with others and be authentic. Methinks that the unconscious mind is very powerful indeed.. fascinating.

 

Regards,

Eve xx