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Emotional Incest - Momma's boy


Tezza115

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My former boyfriend of almost 8 years has an overbearing mother that controls him emotionally in everyway. She puts him down saying that he is an embarrassment to her because he has not finished college, is overweight etc.

 

He calls her every night asking her questions on how he should live in life and his finances. She disliked me and because of this my ex used to physically abuse me because of the stress.

 

Their bond is so unhealthy to the point that when he visits her or vice versa he sleeps with her (not sexual). When I went to the supermarket with them once I have even seen them hold hands.

 

She advised my ex that if we were to get married, she told him that she would not leave him any money in her will for him, and he is her only child.

 

My ex ended up cheating on me with a girl that his mother approves of, and in less than 2 mths they are already engaged (I think that its an arranged marriage) when I was with him for almost 8 years and we got no where near close to that.

 

His mother is currently going through a divorce and soon she will be living with my ex and his new bride once it is all finalised. He puts his mother as no. 1 and his spouse no. 2. He is 27 years old.

 

He is obviously very emotionally attached to his mother, this is a bond even I could not change over all those years when I was with him, the whole ordeal has effected me mentally and I am now seeking counselling for it.

 

Has anyone else been in a situation like this with an overbearing MIL? Could this man ever change his ways?

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LucreziaBorgia
Could this man ever change his ways?

 

That's the tricky part. He can change, but only if he wants to. It doesn't sound like this guy wants to. I feel sorry for his new wife, unless of course she likes the situation as well. :sick:

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Sad for him. Actually pretty disgusting to read. He could change his relationship with his mother, but I think he's screwed up with or without her. He has enough changing to do that it would require a complete metamophosis, which is unlikely. At the end of it all he'd be a completely different guy. And that's what you need is a different guy. I suggest a shortcut and go find a different guy.

 

I'm sorry to say that, because you obviously care for him. But if this bothers you, and it would bother pretty much any woman, then it would only build into resentment. And ironically it will be your resentment and his inability to stand up to it that will cause you to start treating him just like his mom does. And then he'll feel right at home.

 

It's a shame what life does to some men. You can hardly call them men at all.

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Tezza115 -just thank God(!) that you're out of the relationship.

 

And continue your counseling.

 

There's, certainly, hope for *you* -as for your ex bf -well- how he lives his life is no longer your concern.

 

Just breathe a deep sigh of relief and keep moving your other foot in front of you.

 

(Smile)

 

-Rio

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RecordProducer

You're lucky he is your ex. You're out of the sh*t you should have never stepped into. He didn't abuse you physically because of his mother. It's because he is abusive. And he is a loser altogether. I don't envy his future wife one bit. And you shouldn't either.

 

I know one case where the mamma's boy problem was resolved. A friend of mine married a guy and they moved in with his mother after living in rented apartments together for many years. His mom at first didn't like her, but she started liking her when the girl when she saw that my friend was doing everything in the house, including cleaning her room and never asked for any favors from her MIL - not even to baby-sit their child. So my friend not only became her personal maid, but also left a good impresion on her MIL - she was a good housewife who sat at home all the time and took care of her daughter and husband. Alos, my friend who was a hot blond chick prior to getting amrried turned into a fat unattractive average woman. So the obvious solution to is to lose your identity and become smaller than a puppyseed.

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But if this bothers you, and it would bother pretty much any woman, then it would only build into resentment. And ironically it will be your resentment and his inability to stand up to it that will cause you to start treating him just like his mom does. And then he'll feel right at home.

 

You know what your absolutely right about this, because he didn't stand up to his mother about us, I started losing respect for him altogether...

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I am married to an abusive mama's boy...and I know EXACTLY how you feel! It is really disturbing to be with a man such as this. Unfortunately for me, I missed all the red flags while we were dating since we lived far away from his mom at the time. They, too, sleep in the same bed when he visits her, he lays his head in her lap and she pets him, she cuts up his food and feeds it to him, they talk on the phone 2-3 hours per day, and she criticizes me any chance she gets. Sher is terribly jealous of me and regularily threatened to end her life if my husband put my needs above her needs. On our wedding day, she told me that when she held her son in her arms the first time, she thought to herself, "he will always belong to me and never to anyone else." It is a miserable existence for everyone involved I think.

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Wow! I've heard the term mammas boy thrown around before but never knew it could be as bad as Tezza115 and MoonGirl describe. That sends quivers down my spine.

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This is also known as Covert Incest, this definition is from the CovertIncest.org forum website:

 

Covert incest typically occurs in families where one parent (the shadow parent) does not actively participate in family affairs, thus setting the stage for the other parent (the invasive parent) to turn to a child for emotional support. The invasive parent in effect makes the child a surrogate spouse who is forced to take on the responsibilities of the shadow parent. The roles are essentially reversed; instead of the parent looking after the child, the child is responsible for the parent's well being. This is a terrible burden for a child to carry, as a child is incapable of meeting the emotional needs of an adult.

 

It mentally effects the child up until adulthood and as an adult, they have difficulty maintaining any adult relationships that they have.

 

From what I have read both the parent and the child cannot change unless they get professional help.

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RecordProducer
I am married to an abusive mama's boy...and I know EXACTLY how you feel! It is really disturbing to be with a man such as this. Unfortunately for me, I missed all the red flags while we were dating since we lived far away from his mom at the time. They, too, sleep in the same bed when he visits her, he lays his head in her lap and she pets him, she cuts up his food and feeds it to him, they talk on the phone 2-3 hours per day, and she criticizes me any chance she gets. Sher is terribly jealous of me and regularily threatened to end her life if my husband put my needs above her needs. On our wedding day, she told me that when she held her son in her arms the first time, she thought to herself, "he will always belong to me and never to anyone else." It is a miserable existence for everyone involved I think.
Sick and sickening. :sick: I truly admire you for putting up with it. Do you have kids?
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Citizen Erased

Grown men sleeping in the same beds as their mothers? That is disgusting. I know my bf and his mum are close, but they know what is right and what isn't a healthy mother-son relationship.

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I too found this very disturbing.

To the OP- be glad you are out of the R, as painful as it may be for you, at least you can recover from it.

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Sick and sickening. :sick: I truly admire you for putting up with it. Do you have kids?

 

Oh, I don't put up with it. We are separated, and I have encouraged my husband and his mother to seek professional help.

 

Yes, we have 2 kids together. My MIL "loves" our daughter because she looks like my husband. She has already begun some of the same rituals with my her that she has with her son. But, fortunately, my daughter thinks she's a bit weird and is not very interested in that kind of closeness. Our son looks like me, so MIL is not very interested in him.

 

As you would have imagined, it is really difficult for my husband to meet any of the kids' needs because he is so busy meeting his mother's needs. I have even tried to explain this to my MIL, but she is so self-centered that she doesn't understand. My husband thinks he is a good father, but I find that I have to consistently point out what is a good father vs. a bad father, what is appropriate and what is not appropriate.

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RecordProducer
Oh, I don't put up with it. We are separated,
Good for you. :)

 

My MIL "loves" our daughter because she looks like my husband.
I like how you put the "loves" in quotation marks. :laugh:

 

But, fortunately, my daughter thinks she's a bit weird and is not very interested in that kind of closeness.
It also might be your influence; kids don't like the people that their parents dispise, even if you try to hide your feelings.

 

As you would have imagined, it is really difficult for my husband to meet any of the kids' needs because he is so busy meeting his mother's needs.
I think mamma's boys are predisposed in terms of character to be that way. I don't think that it's only the mother's fault. I have two sons, twins, and I am 100% certain that one of them could NEVER become a mamma's boy, no mater what I do. About the other one , I am not sure. He seems to want to be like daddy, but needs mommy's approval and validation about many things. Luckily, I encourage independence and freedom of choice in almost everything, because I don't think I am wise enough to control my sons' lives. I don't think I am competent to choose their wives and occupations. I limit my power to choice of food, homework, obligations, and langauge, but they choose their clothes, toys, activities, interests, etc.

 

My husband thinks he is a good father, but I find that I have to consistently point out what is a good father vs. a bad father, what is appropriate and what is not appropriate.
Just don't teach the children that their father is no good. Unless he abuses them, he is the best father they could ever have - because he is the only father they have. There is a subtle line between justifying your position and injecting negtaive thoughts about their father. I've been there as a child of divorced parents and as a divorced mother.
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All I can say is WOW!!!

 

That made my skin crawl just reading it.

 

You should thank your lucky stars he is your EX!

 

You can do much better than that and you will.

 

CONGRATS on your freedom!

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It was seriously like being with someone who was literally having an affair with another woman (his mother). My ex could not see that what he was doing with his mother was wrong either. His mother asked me to join them in bed, I refused, but I could hear them at night, she stroked his back, and talked to him as if a spouse, not in a mother-son sort of manner. I was quite disturbed, and his is 27 years old.

 

His father stays out of the situation, he has had enough of the over controlling woman and wanted out of the marriage a long time ago, as his wife gives all her attention to her only child, my ex.

 

Obviously in MoonGirl's case, situations like these can not do any marriages any good. My ex's new gf is from overseas and I don't think that she has any idea what she is getting herself in to, it will probably be too late when she finds out.

 

Thanks for your comments, I am much relieved that I am out of that situation, I just wanted reassurance that this is not normal...

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Trialbyfire

Very creepy stuff. For you ladies that are out, seriously, you are so lucky to no longer be trapped in this situation.

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It was seriously like being with someone who was literally having an affair with another woman (his mother). My ex could not see that what he was doing with his mother was wrong either. His mother asked me to join them in bed, I refused, but I could hear them at night, she stroked his back, and talked to him as if a spouse, not in a mother-son sort of manner. I was quite disturbed, and his is 27 years old.

 

His father stays out of the situation, he has had enough of the over controlling woman and wanted out of the marriage a long time ago, as his wife gives all her attention to her only child, my ex.

 

Obviously in MoonGirl's case, situations like these can not do any marriages any good. My ex's new gf is from overseas and I don't think that she has any idea what she is getting herself in to, it will probably be too late when she finds out.

 

Thanks for your comments, I am much relieved that I am out of that situation, I just wanted reassurance that this is not normal...

 

 

I wonder if a lot of these emotional incest cases involve only children... My husband is also an only child, and his father is very distant and apparently always has been. He and his wife sleep in different bedrooms and typically don't speak to each other. I'm pretty sure that my MIL used/uses her son as a replacement for a husband. Some of her stories of his childhood are really creepy since she has always used him as her personal therapist since he was a baby. Some of the topics they discussed when he was 3 are completely inappropriate...ugh.

 

The worst part is that I am a very nice person generally, and I remember thinking many times in the past that my life would be so much easier if my MIL would just die. I felt like such a horrible person for thinking that.

 

I feel sorry for your ex's new gf. :( She probably has no clue what she's getting herself into. I had no clue since we lived far away from MIL when we were dating and I never knew about the 2-3 hours of phone calls per day since my husband usually called her during his lunch hour and then when I wasn't around. By the time I figured things out, it was too late.

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Good for you. :)

 

It also might be your influence; kids don't like the people that their parents dispise, even if you try to hide your feelings.

 

I think mamma's boys are predisposed in terms of character to be that way. I don't think that it's only the mother's fault.

 

Just don't teach the children that their father is no good. Unless he abuses them, he is the best father they could ever have - because he is the only father they have.

 

 

It's true - my kids probably don't like my MIL because I despise her. I have never said anything to them about her. But they could also not like her because she says nasty things about me to them constantly... because they love me, they dislike her for saying those things.

 

I agree with your assessment on predisposition, but I still think it's mostly the mother's fault because she, as an adult, should know what is appropriate and what is not. Even if a child wants something close to a romantic relationship with a parent, it is a parent's job to avoid this kind of relationship. Like your one son, my daughter is WILDLY independent and in a normal situation, there is no way she would even be interested in meeting the emotional needs of an adult (as therapist, lover, etc). But, you never know what can happen if you put manipulation and guilt into the mix. My MIL used to cry, starve herself, threaten to jump out windows, etc to get my husband's attention when he was a boy...and when he was a teenager she would start fights (verbal and physical) with him to stop him from going out with his friends. And if he did go out, she followed him.

 

I don't say anything to my children about their father. He is abusive (mostly emotionally), but doesn't recognize that he is abusive because he has no idea what normal is. When I point things out to him now, he has been listening to me, but I'm not sure if his willingness to learn will last. He has stopped slapping and spanking them, but sometimes still says strange things to them. He also has very high expectations of them and, on several occasions, has asked our daughter to mother him and our son. She is 3 (nearly 4) and gets them cereal and juice in the morning for breakfast. She makes them sandwiches for lunch. While she's at his house, she also changes our 2 year-old's diapers and clothing, "reads" him books, and puts him to bed at night. She tells me that she loves doing these things. :confused: At my house, she gets herself breakfast because she wants to, but I don't allow her to take care of her brother.

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The worst part is that I am a very nice person generally, and I remember thinking many times in the past that my life would be so much easier if my MIL would just die. I felt like such a horrible person for thinking that.

 

Don't worry, I felt like that too, and I even voiced it to him as well, much to his disgust. We could not help but feel this way because of the situation that we were in. His mother lived 5 hrs drive away from us, and yet still had such a major impact to our relationship.

 

He stills calls her every night at 8pm on the dot, and the way he talks to her I think is sad, its like everything he says he twists around to impress her sometimes to the point that they are lies.

 

One night I was sleeping in bed and she was obviously bitching about me to him, afterwards he came into our room and punched me in the head, I don't know what she said but I can imagine that it would have been some emotional blackmail like "I will disown you if you marry her, or you make me sad because you are with her" I have overheard her say some of these things to him over the phone.

 

So you can see the impact emotionally controlling mothers have on their sons and their relationships, I don't see this changing in the future. She may approve of this new girl of his but who is to say that the girl with approve of her in the long run.

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That's so sad. I can't believe you got hit in the head for that! :( And, I think you're right...eventually the new gf will do something your ex's mother doesn't like and she will be bad-mouthed too. I eventually just gave up trying to be pleasant to my MIL. I rarely saw/see her and if I do I don't really speak to her because I feel like growing fangs and claws when she is in my presence.

 

My husband often reacted to what my MIL said about me too, but he was more verbally abusive toward me. When he got mad at me, he would say, "my mom is right about you." And when I refused to see MIL because of the very valid reason that she hated me, he told me that I was overreacting and that she really didn't hate me. Lol. So that's why when we visited her house, she cooked food and set a place for everyone at the table except me!!!!!!!!! HAHA! But, unlike you, I have never told my husband that I despise his mom. I'm sure he senses it, but I would never say it.

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When he got mad at me, he would say, "my mom is right about you."

 

My ex used to say that too. His mother told my ex that I tricked him in to loving me, and he believed it too you know. So he'd blamed me for making him fall in love with me, that is ridiculous...

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RecordProducer
I wonder if a lot of these emotional incest cases involve only children...
You wonder well! :) My husband is in such a relationship with his twin brother. For me it feels like another woman. But instead of sex it's the friendship, closeness, and trust that they share. He seems to prefer his brother's company to mine.

 

His brother has been hostile toward me since day one. He attacks me verbally about stupid things and basically for no reason. He doesn't say "hi" to me most of the time and turns his head away from me. Obviously he is jealous of me being in my husband's life. I also feel like he is taking away a significant part of our relationship. I am sickened and turned off by the whole situation. I feel like I am involved in bigamy, like my husband needs two people to be married to. The only difference is that it's not two women, but me and another man.

 

The worst part is: he lives next door. Thet call each other like 20 times a a day. They spend a lot of time together. The excuse is always "business to discuss" (I guess, they are in the crossword business, too!) They worked together for 25 years. They drive the same model of car. They like the same things. They do crosswords and sudoku together (my husband was leaving me alone at home although I cried, screamed, begged, cursed.... no! He preferred to spend time with his brother) until literally a few days ago when he saw with his own eyes that the morning coffee that he has with his brother and leaves me alone at home destroyed our relationship. Of course, it's not the coffee, it's the closeness the two of them have.

 

I don't think his coffee with me will last for long, I think he will go back to having the morning cofee with his brother in no time. It feels like he passionately and possessively loves his brother and I am just number two. I know he loves me, but this is a huge turn-off. Major, MAJOR turn-off. :(

 

How to fight it? I was thinking about moving to another city in a few years (we've only been married for a year and I have nobody in the US) and hoped he would follow. But I don't think he would ever be happy without his brother. He would talk to him on the phone or on the internet all the time, he would fly to him every weekend (he has a small airplane :rolleyes:), he would constantly talk about him... And ultimately, he will find excuses to leave me just to be with him for a week or two. He calls him in deminutive, let's say his name is Nick - he calls him Nicki (but it's not that name). You get the picture. As if he is a little baby or a puppy. :sick:

 

The point is that this is a strong emotional degeneration that we cannot fight against. It's not like another woman. Another woman a man can get over and forget. But this is a bond with a deep root from birth to death. The root is much stronger than our hands to pull it out. Their love is way more powerful that their love for us.

 

He has some wonderful qualities, but this is something that's really, really difficult to live with. I am totally confused and don't know what I will do. But for now, I want to start working and get out of the house, and meet new friends so I can have a social life, too. My whole company is limited to one person and his horrible family (except his mom, who is amazingly a fantastic woman! :)). Thank god, I have my children here at least.

 

At the same time, he wants me to be at home so we can be together... but HE will choose when to be with me. When he feels like, he will leave me alone and when he feels like (i.e. when his brother is not available, I suppose), he will spend time with me. The irony is that my husband and I are very cheerful, silly, and humorous people, while his brother is a grumpy, moody, dark person. I can't possibly imagine being around him for a long time. He gives me the creeps. :sick:

 

My husband also accuses me of over-reacting (I am "paranoid"!:rolleyes:) and I recently told him openly that I dispise his brother and that he has been nothing but an ass hole to me since day one and deserves no better than poor treatment (I've told him off several times in the last few months after being sweeter than a candy for a whole year).

 

And then people ask how come you don't fall in love with your partner's twin. :confused:

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michelangelo

Growing up i could not stand being lumped together with my brother for everything.

 

 

We're close, but not even like what you describe. We live hundreds of miles apart and i don't see him any more often than my other siblings.

 

We share some of the same interests and we both consider each other the other's "organ farm" if we need a transplant some day. ;)

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