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Question for boyfriend of the abused girl.


Oseeker

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How do guys actually feel about being with a girl who has been raped? I can never tell if my BF thinks I am absolutely nuts, or if he understands what i am going through. He says he has been with a girl who was raped before and she was psycho. He promised himself he would never do it again, yet he meets me... He has said that he loves me and he wants to help, but I feel like i am more than he bargained for, and that he stays with me because we live together, and he is holding on to hope that I will change..... We get along really well otherwise.

My past does interfere with our sex life, so i know that is taxing for both of us. I cant climax during intercourse..... So ,should I talk to my guy about this so he understands, or should i keep it to myself so i dont freak him out?

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hey,

I think you should deffiently explain that to him. How long have you guys been together. Is it that you can't reach orgasim that it is effecting your sex life,?

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Have you been to therapy? Sometimes that can help with an inability to climax. Were you able to climax before the rape? And how long have you been with your boyfriend?

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My past does interfere with our sex life, so i know that is taxing for both of us. I cant climax during intercourse..... So ,should I talk to my guy about this so he understands, or should i keep it to myself so i dont freak him out?

First off, I am sorry to hear that you went through such a difficult experience. Yet I'm glad to hear that you are able to even be intimate with someone. You are making great strides. As a victim of date rape, I know how hard that can be.

You need to be open to your bf about how you are feeling. He needs to know that not all women are "psycho" because of it, although it does concern me that he would label a woman who has had to deal with that kind of violation to not only her body but her psyche. This is a journey that you will need to take together, he needs to understand how you feel and what you need from him. He won't know unless you tell him.

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I'm sort of on the other end of this situation. My current GF was raped by her ex. We haven't as of yet been intimate but it is something that is on my mind. I really don't know how to approach her about this. I want to bring up the topic of sex but without hurting her or pressuring her in any way. I keep hoping that she will want to talk about it but I don't know if maybe she wants me to broach the topic.

 

Sorry for thread jacking but this topic really hit home.

 

To answer the OP if it were me I'd want to be told. I'd also ask that he be a bit more sensitive to your situation. His comment about girls being psycho really isn't appropriate.

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His comment about girls being psycho really isn't appropriate.

 

Yeah, it kinda makes me think that that is what he is feeling about me, but he wont say it to my face so as not to hurt my feelings. Maybe that's not what he thinks at all. The girl he was with before would throw stuff and hit him and say she hated him. I dont so any of that and I am actually pretty stable. It is frustrating though to not know whats going on with my own body and mind. I dont think anyone can really understand how it affects to be raped or abused. Even though I really did not think much about any of it until i was 23, it happened when I was 13, but since i can climax, I started to wonder what was going on. i am a woman, I should be able to react sexually... I began to look back on my life to see what, if anything, could have caused my frigidity. i have always remembered that i was raped, but i didnt think it had really affected me until I started doing research about sexual disfunctions related to abuse...

It's not like I sit around thinking about the rape, but I think that on a very deep subconcious level it has made me lass trusting of men, and less able to enjoy being intimate. The hard part is that I really like being together, being intimate with someone... but my BF feels like he is inadequate because he thinks it's his fault..

 

Have you been to therapy? Sometimes that can help with an inability to climax. Were you able to climax before the rape?

 

I am in therapy right now, group and individual, and I feel like it is helping me to sort out how I feel about everything that has happened. It sucks though in the mean time to feel like there is a part of me missing, and all of a sudden I am thinking all the time about the rape and other things that have ahppenend to me... i dont want to think about it. It's in the past, but at the same time, i want answers! No, I had not even kissed a guy before it happened. I never climaxed, anything.It is only now, that i started thinking about all this, that I can even please myself. I didnt even know I could before. I guess that is progress!

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It's good that you recognize this in yourself and that you are seeking treatment. Obviously his past experience has painted his view of women who have been raped but it isn't fair to paint you with that same brush. It also doesn't acknowledge the severity of the injury that is done.

 

I can appreciate his feelings of inadequacy though. Being in his boots I know that sometimes I feel as if there is nothing I can do. I am attracted to her and she to me but there is a block there that I can't remove and I sometimes can't help feeling that were I a better man or more attractive to her or something that it wouldn't be an issue.

 

But the one thing that I have come to realize is that we are in it together because although she was the one who suffered the abuse, it effects the both of us.

 

He should know, because if he is going to be a partner then it should be in all things. Until you tell him, his feelings of inadequacy and rejection will just grow until he breaks. And you also shouldn't have to go through this alone.

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He should know, because if he is going to be a partner then it should be in all things. Until you tell him, his feelings of inadequacy and rejection will just grow until he breaks. And you also shouldn't have to go through this alone.

Well, I think it is just hard to believe that he would really still want to be with me after i have opened up to him about all this. When he pulls away, I feel like he just doesnt want to talk to me or be around me or touch me, anything. He doesnt say anything so I dont know what he is thinking.

When I go to talk about it, I think that maybe i am making too big a deal out of something, or he doesnt want to talk so i should respect that.? Does that make any sense? Sometimes i think I should just leave and be on my own, single, and figure all this **** out, but he says he loves me, and i love him... I just cant seem to get past this huge communication barrier with him. WHat does one say to the macho "real man" type when they are being withdrawn. I think the hugging and kissing and intimacy besides sex is the key... I dont get a whole lot of that either...

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