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Controlling Coworker/Friend


beautifulearth83

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beautifulearth83

First of all I'd like to say that these forums have been of a great help and I can see how they have helped many others. I think it's really neat that people get together and help eachother through.

 

So I'll get into this, I hope to not make it long. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

I strongly feel that I may be dealing with somebody who is very controlling and manipulative, and I'm trying to keep a clear mind through it all. Somebody who I've, for a good amount of years, considered a friend helped me find a job about a year back.

 

At work she always talks to me like I'm less than her. She always assumes that she knows what's going on with my life and/or always needs to know. She believes that she knows everything that I need and that I don't need. She always makes an effort to speak for me at work. If I let her know anything about something that I'm excited or happy about she finds something negative about it, or explains how she knows everything there is to know about it.

 

For weeks, especially when I first started working there, she made me give her rides in the morning. I consider myself to be a generous person, but I feel that she takes advantage of how nice I am. She has a way with words and such that make it so hard to say no. And when you say no, she makes the other person feel selfish.

 

She always has her eye on me at work, or everybody for that matter, trying to monitor and watch every step and mood. She asks a lot of personal things and often uses them against people. She seems to think that everybody else need to live up to her standards, when I believe that often people simply just need to grow and change on their own. She even tells the boss what to do. She can be very intimidating and she catches people off guard.

 

I know that I'm not the only person affected by it because I see a lot of people run. I see her get in verbal fights with a lot of friends and such. She has all of these conceptions about how life is and about how life should be and expects everybody else to live by it, when it's going against the common goal: peace.

 

She doesn't ask people kindly to do things. She tells them. She even told me to leave work once. Isn't that the bosses job? I don't feel like the right people get credit for who they are and that they are all being judged. Isn't that terrible? I guess I'm just really trying not to let bitterness and hate get to me, because I'm the kind of person that will be nice and bottle things in.

 

My boss sees this in her and certain people I've talked with agree. I'm not one to stand around and talk about other people, but it's good to get perspective at the right times.

 

So I'm just trying to figure out if it's only going to get worse or not. I know that most of what I could say to her isn't going to change her. I just don't have the energy to deal with it too much.

 

Any ideas or thoughts or advice and stories from you would be appreciated.

 

Thanks if you have read this.

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If your boss knows she does this and constantly does it at work - your boss could have a general conversation with it and let her know it won't be tolerated at work anymore.

 

Perhaps that will at least give you some breathing room.

 

As far as the friendship goes, pull back. Don't offer those wonderful, exciting, news tidbits up to her. Just keep them to yourself. You don't want to hear anything negative and you don't want to hear the rundown so just don't give her the opportunity.

 

You may reconsider the relationship. It certainly doesn't sound like she is much of a friend to you.

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beautifulearth83

wow thanks for the quick reply island girl.

 

I've thought about talking to the boss a little more about it and he did have a talk with us both at the same time, and I expressed some of my concerns. That helped a bit. I suppose I fear it cycling.

 

I think you may be right about letting her know some many things. It just stinks because I remember days where we shared so much. But now, I guess I'm starting to realize that it may have always been in her best interest. That kinda sucks.

 

I have been way more quiet at work with her. Hoping to just go there and focus on my work, smile and go home. She sees the quietness as resistence. Sometimes I just wanna tell her to leave me the hell alone.

 

And of course there is always room to be nice and I'm not going to be mean, but everybody deserves a certain amount of space and personal well-being.

 

Some of your key words were don't give her the opportunity. That can be very helpful.

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My mom gave me a really good one for the times when she is asking about what you don't want to tell her -- i.e. anything important to you:

 

"Why do you ask?"

 

It kinds of puts it on her to explain why she is being nosey and IF she has the brass to explain, you can talk about what she just said:

 

her:

"I care about you and I just wanted to know what was going on."

 

you:

"That is so sweet. You know we don't often see that in people now-a-days."

 

And she still didn't get the info. -- If she asks again you can always look at her funny and say, "okay that was weird. Is something wrong?"

 

So you just keep putting it in her corner.

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beautifulearth83

those are some good suggestions. i don't understand why people do this. i'm excited to go into work with a new attitude...it sucks that i need to be "assertive" with somebody...i usually just get along with everybody.

 

thank you for your help

 

why can't everybody just dance and sing and play?

 

Happy new year by the way

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Some people are just fed by the unhappiness of others or they can't stand to see someone happy, or they are gossips, etc.

 

It is a guessing game as to why.

 

The thing to remember is they have no power unless you give it to them. They can't hurt your feelings if you don't put them on display for them to smash, etc.

 

Happy New Year to you as well!

 

Perhaps this will be a part of your resolutions this year! :)

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Silence is golden.

Don’t verbally offer information of value.

 

 

Go superficial:

 

 

Some saltshakers have larger holes than others.

The light goes off when you close the fridge.

Support bacteria, they're the only culture some people have.

It's always darkest before dawn.

Plan to be spontaneous, tomorrow.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Always wrap left -overs before storing them in the fridge.

How does Teflon stick to the pan?

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I never miss a good chance hear quiet.

The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. Could be longer.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Ketchup doesn’t have to be refrigerated.

If at first you don't succeed... you're doing about average.

Visa is everywhere you want to be, except out of debt.

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I have a guy at work who is always asking for rides home at the end of the day and some times I just leave at different times to avoid him. so maybe you can say you dont have time to pick her up because you have erins to do and need to be in work ealry or something like that. Or just say you'll pick her up but its kind of anoying. Like when the guy at my work asked me to pick him up one time he said would it be any trouble? and I said "yeah it is trouble but I dont like saying no" and I mad it awkward when he tried to talk to me I didnt give much responses. A different guy at my work who is not a boss yelled at me one time because he though I wasnt working hard enough and was talking to another co worker to much I told the guy he was being a real Dick and that he wasnt a boss and that he didnt know what he was talking about then I was cold to the guy ever since and every day now the guy asks with a woried look on his face if we are still friends.

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I read a book called Boundaries and it talks a lot about your boundaries and it does give some good examples of people working together.

 

It also helps you understand that when you stand up for yourself you might hurt the other persons feelings, but that is o.k. because you are looking you are honoring your boundaries.

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