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Why Are People So Abusive? [update]


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Old 28th June 2014, 7:11 PM   #46
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In the animal kingdom, animals attack others when they feel threatened. For some reason, some people respond as if they have been personally hurt by something. Others are anxious about being seen as 'weak' in some way and so when someone asks an innocent question, they attack because they fear that if they had asked that question, people would have attacked them. It is an attempt to suppress their own vulnerability by trying to suppress others'. Sometimes they feel uneasy about the way they have behaved in the past and so attack others for their innocent questions. A wonderful example of this is when an OP is attacked for being 'naive'. Usually the people attacking are the types who would have taken advantage if they'd had the opportunity or people who have been taken advantage of and are embarassed about it so they instead attack the OP for being naive.

The above is not an attempt to excuse it and I'm sure the moderators take note and step in if they feel it's getting bad. Other posters will often step in if they see bullying going on. Just bear in mind that if someone is in attack mode, it's usually because the subject hit a nerve for them. It says more about what upsets them that it does about the post. Understand that their problem with the issue has caused them to lose control and it does not show them in the best light at all. The post may only be vaguely related or have used a keyword that triggers something. Try not to take these attacks personally. Ignore them and focus on the positive responses.
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Last edited by spiderowl; 28th June 2014 at 7:18 PM..
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Old 29th June 2014, 3:26 PM   #47
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Keenly View Post
Its not really a like button so much as an agree button. Its hard to agree with some one when they are the question presented and not the answer / advice giver.



Likes are pretty much meaningless anyway.
I guess they are.
Quote:
Originally Posted by William View Post
I just checked and there were 284 threads posted and/or updated in the last 24 hours.

Figuring an average of five minutes to really read, not scan, each thread, with some being less and some being more, that's 5x284= 1420 minutes /60 = 23.67 hours. That leaves .33 hours in a 24 day to deal with the poorly behaving members we find.

Looks like a busy weekend

I've noted of late, since banning a lot of disruptive members, our member and post count is a bit down from historical numbers, so my scan of today is 'light'.

It's a public forum. Members can post anything they want until it's reported or we catch it.

I merged this most recent posting on the 'abusive people' topic to re-open it to comment. In the interim, we've made some changes in response to past postings on this topic and will continue to do so over time. Thanks for the input!
No problem. I'm glad you did a good job on this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by littleplanet View Post
Great post, Armegoggon


My activities in this forum follow the golden rules I grew up with.
I post all over the place and find many different kinds of threads interesting, and sometimes challenging.

I remind myself that each poster is a real person with a real personality.
If they were known to us in our real life, we might not like them much, or we might like them a lot.....depending.

All that being said, I participate here as a social exercise, the same way I do in my real life.
I try to gather what pertinent information I can, and then offer helpful comments.
Sometimes the topic gets pretty volatile. That's the nature of the beast.

There are times when I'm scanning a thread that's perhaps 50 or more posts long, and I realize that I disagree with almost everybody.
Then I have to make a decision - am I going to jump in with my disagreement, or not?
It depends on how comfortable I feel with the topic, I suppose.

It always makes me feel bad when I encounter a typical scenario: a relatively young OP who immediately gets gang-banged by a bunch of irate posters.
I work with a lot of young people (college students) and I'm used to handling issues that should leave me rolling my eyes, but I always want to be fair and understanding.

But again....that's the nature of the beast.
I suppose there's a certain intellectual enjoyment I derive from the process. This is after all, a lot of social noise. And some of it is pretty good noise.
Sure......personally, I would like to see more respect in the threads.
But this isn't a forum of select like-minded individuals who all know and like one another.
It's a whole wide world of everything under the sun.

So there's bound to be a few mine fields to tip-toe through.......
Yes I see what you mean. It sorta is a social community and I guess the most experienced people stay here to get more experience.

Yeah sometimes when people want to make a disagreement with the advice given, they just don't have the guts to do it. I'm talking non-thread starters get this.

Yes I get what you're saying that you want to give the advice that is best for them not best for most others.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Taramere View Post
I personally don't feel comfortable about "liking" somebody's presentation of a problem they're having. I feel like it could be interpreted as some sort of schadenfreude. I'll often like posts as shorthand for agreeing with them, or if I think they're particularly well written, help me view something from a new perspective or just make me laugh.



I think people often assume that posters who write stuff that sounds completely out there are just trolling. There are rules against accusing people of trolling. Personally even if I think somebody's trolling, if I think they're doing it out of some surreal humour and with the desire to entertain, then that's fine by me. The posts I see that tend to attract abuse are often those that express negativity about a large section of the population.



It depends on the severity of the mental health problem. Somebody who has a lot of difficulty interacting with others probably needs a more specialised board that's geared to their needs. There are times I've put a lot of effort into a post where I'm trying to gauge the person's needs and issues from the way they're presenting, and then - perhaps because of their difficulty in interacting socially - they haven't even bothered to acknowledge the effort. I've seen the same thing happen to others - and I think it's quite common to want to validate the person who clearly put time and effort into a post, but didn't get so much as a thanks from the person they were trying to help. Probably rescuer "burn out" can happen as much here as anywhere else.



What I've said above. Human beings are flawed. A person can go into a situation with good intentions, wanting to help. Then they don't get the reaction they wanted or expected. The desire to help transforms into indignation and possibly even becomes quite abusive behaviour in people who have poor control. Just because a person is of a helpful disposition doesn't mean they've got their stuff sorted. It doesn't mean they're equipped to cope when people ignore or disparage their attempts to help. You mentioned the need to understand people who have mental health problems. I think people here do try, but you shouldn't rule out the possibility that at least some of the time, the people presenting themselves as helpers or fixers may have some fairly major issues of their own. It might be a mistake to hold responders to a higher standard of behaviour than thread starters.

The most usual situation where a thread starter is under attack is when that thread starter presents in a negative, complaining way that casts aspersions on a group. Well, in a sense that's what has happened with this thread. The group in question being the community of people who make up LS. Personally I think it's unfair to attack this board as being a particularly abusive one. It's one of the safest and most supportive online environments I've seen. You can't guarantee a safe environment on any "open to the public" site, of course, but in comparison to other sites out there I think LS does well.

Finally, people who consistently have run ins with others are often entrenched in complaining and aren't really solutions focused nor too interested in taking personal responsibility for negative interactions with others. If there's a common problem on LS whereby new posters get a bad reaction, I see two solutions

1. Ban everybody who the new poster feels treated them insensitively
2. Start up a thread aimed at providing guidance for new posters so that they get the best out of the site (and out of other posters willing to help).

The guidelines deal with 2 to a certain extent, but they're not very interactive and don't necessarily provide much instruction on how a new poster can elicit really good, useful advice from others.

On the rare occasions I've posted a thread seeking advice, I haven't tended to get responses from many people - but those who do respond have been top notch and given me great advice and support. I wasn't brought up with any expectation that people should go out of their way for me, but I was certainly brought up to appreciate those who do...and in any thread I started I would always try to respond to every bit of advice I was given.

I see others who do that, and who get very good quality advice as a result. So perhaps rather than focusing on the notion that this is a community filled with horrible, abusive people, it's more helpful to read those threads that work well for the thread starter - and learn from them. Learning to take personal responsibility without shouldering blame in an unhealthy way is, I think, something people struggle with all the time - and you can see the conflict playing out on a lot of these threads. But there's a lot to be learned from conflict. Not every person who disagrees with or challenges a thread starter is being abusive. In some cases, they may just be pushing a thread starter towards a lesson they really must learn if their interactions with other people are ever to improve.
Lets not talk about liking the thread starter but at the very least don't like comments that aren't helpful to them at least.

The purpose of poeple's posts shouldn't be to entertain or to cause humour. It's meant so that the thread starter knows how to flip the next page.

Yeah I know how it feels to put effort but have nothing out of it. I understand where it is heading. Some people who have the mental health problems just need to find ways to express themselves. If they can't express themselves in real life, they are safe to do so here. I think the biggest problem is how to understand and read the minds of those people.

This is because there are too many people on this forums that are trolling instead of actually helping. Those who help may be hidden because the thread starter by the time may already be feeling too much rage to do anything.

Yes you're right that a "bad question gets a bad answer". But at the same time you got to know that not everyone here is able to understand even the basics. I think the most important message I wanted to send out is don't treat them badly. Just treat them the way how you want them to treat you.


Quote:
Originally Posted by gaius View Post
I've always viewed a quote or someone talking to you directly as the highest honor loveshack can bestow, with a like being a lower form of respect. So in essence thread starters get the most honor of anyone with all the attention bestowed on them and their problem. If they get any replies that is. Getting tons of likes on top of that seems like overkill.
It's not about the likes they get or anything. It's about the way how people treat them. Yes they get the attention of replies but they're not primarily there for attention because what are the chances you'll date someone on this forum immediately. The point of their threads would be because they need help. At the very least they should be given more leading and nicer advice.
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Q: Why do you use dating sites if you're only 19?
A: I didn't go to university but instead went to college so the friend pool dropped. My neighbourhood just doesn't seem to have the right people for me. I have more internet friends than in real life. I think there is a bigger pool of women I like online.
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Old 30th June 2014, 3:40 PM   #48
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I got called basement dweller because I posted a thread in the wrong section lol.
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Old 30th June 2014, 4:08 PM   #49
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BarackObama View Post
I got called basement dweller because I posted a thread in the wrong section lol.
Great example of a thread which was not reported for guideline violations:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/mind...e-masturbating

Instead of discussing the topic, we get a cadre of members overtly or covertly applying editorial comments directly to the starter of the thread.

Then, as I scan down the page this reply is being typed into, I see a 'similar thread' to this one, from 2012:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/gene...e-mindset-here

Here we are, two years later, and little has changed, regarding the abusive people here. Old ones get banned, re-register and continue or new ones show up. I guess it's time to call the owner again.

BTW, BarackObama, I'll take care of that thread where you were either directly called or alluded to as a 'basement dweller'. Thanks for bringing that to moderation's attention. That particular post occurred at the same time I was moving the thread from Dating to SHRP so I missed it when scanning.

Last edited by William; 30th June 2014 at 4:20 PM.. Reason: Too many 'r's
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Old 17th October 2014, 12:42 AM   #50
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Thumbs down Stop abusing stupidity already!

Why are many threads these days getting hit hard with abusers? Why are they always told things that don't make sense? This isn't just my thread but it also talks about other threads. The past ten threads I've browsed (and they're not mine but I won't give the links) all have the first comment as being abusive.

Why don't people just say things in a nicer way? You do realize that love is incredibly difficult in life right? Think about what you've gone through to get love. Think about how you would feel if somebody was directly in your shoes. Why do people have to be such jerks here? Why don't you help the noobs so they can complain less or just cool off? I don't care how bad the question is asked but why troll people's stupidity when they are 99% innocent? Why don't you just help them out? This is not HateShack! To be honest, this is one of the reasons I rarely post anything.
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Old 17th October 2014, 4:56 AM   #51
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I think the impatience comes from getting tired of the same questions and the same situations coming up again and again. Not so much that the posters feel they are repeating themselves, more that there are certain things you observe and realise that some attitudes are prevalent. Something you thought was the exception is in fact the norm. Sometimes you also see that people bring on their problems themselves but they refuse to take control and responsibility.

If you post here long enough - and I hope you get more out of this than you are currently feeling - you will see that certain patterns can be drawn from trends along age, gender, socio-economic lines because of course we are all products of our upbringing. I think after a while you feel you are banging your head against a brick wall so even nicer posters will get frustrated at times.

That's no excuse, just an explanation. Different people get annoyed by different things and some of it is projection.

The solution is to step away from the keyboard from time to time but that's not so simple sometimes
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Old 17th October 2014, 5:12 AM   #52
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Emilia,
Quote:
I think the impatience comes from getting tired of the same questions and the same situations coming up again and again. Not so much that the posters feel they are repeating themselves, more that there are certain things you observe and realise that some attitudes are prevalent. Something you thought was the exception is in fact the norm. Sometimes you also see that people bring on their problems themselves but they refuse to take control and responsibility.
I agree 100%

Also, some posters claim they want advice, and when they don't hear what they want to hear they throw a hissy-fit.

Sometimes it takes a short, sharp verbal shock to make these folks wake up and smell what they're shovelling.

No-one here wants to be nasty - most of us would do anything we could to help folks out and stop them making the mistakes we all made.
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Old 17th October 2014, 1:49 PM   #53
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emilia View Post
I think the impatience comes from getting tired of the same questions and the same situations coming up again and again. Not so much that the posters feel they are repeating themselves, more that there are certain things you observe and realise that some attitudes are prevalent. Something you thought was the exception is in fact the norm. Sometimes you also see that people bring on their problems themselves but they refuse to take control and responsibility.

If you post here long enough - and I hope you get more out of this than you are currently feeling - you will see that certain patterns can be drawn from trends along age, gender, socio-economic lines because of course we are all products of our upbringing. I think after a while you feel you are banging your head against a brick wall so even nicer posters will get frustrated at times.

That's no excuse, just an explanation. Different people get annoyed by different things and some of it is projection.

The solution is to step away from the keyboard from time to time but that's not so simple sometimes
It depends on the response they are given. People are impatient but it does not make sense that they throw it on a poor op. Also,even though the same types of problems get posted, it happens to be categorized the same but it has different scenerios. For example, you may see 2 different threads saying, "my bf broke up with me because he thinks I texted him too much" but it could be posted by different age ranges.

Yeah I do gift frustrated at times when people post stupid things but I rarely post anything stupider in return.

It is hard to get of the computer indeed, especially when people ant find much help in reall life
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Old 17th October 2014, 2:03 PM   #54
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saw this on a billboard sign...
"Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a berry", "wisdom is keeping it out of a fruit salad"
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Old 19th October 2014, 10:40 AM   #55
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Armegoggon View Post
It depends on the response they are given. People are impatient but it does not make sense that they throw it on a poor op. Also,even though the same types of problems get posted, it happens to be categorized the same but it has different scenerios. For example, you may see 2 different threads saying, "my bf broke up with me because he thinks I texted him too much" but it could be posted by different age ranges.

Yeah I do gift frustrated at times when people post stupid things but I rarely post anything stupider in return.

It is hard to get of the computer indeed, especially when people ant find much help in reall life
I'm assuming because of your signature that you are 19. Most of us forget that there are youngsters like you on LS unless it's stated specifically. Most people are older and are more used to abrupt responses. I think we are all guilty of forgetting this sometimes.
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Old 20th October 2014, 5:23 PM   #56
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I've been on other forums and LS is a middle of the road forum as far as moderation goes. I've seen forums that are troll-fests and some that are out and out attack fests but on the flip side, I've seen forums that are so heavily moderated that people don't sound human anymore and have robotic like responses because they're so afraid of being banned.

I do think the "seasoned" members could really cool it sometimes around here though because, sure, we've seen threads that are nearly carbon copies of a thousand others and yes, people ignore and throw fits over some very great, well thought out advice that takes patience, time and caring. It can get frustrating but I think it shows a lot when the people who are regulars at a forum police themselves and don't need moderation much or ever at all.

I think the guidelines set by the owner are keeping this forum from being too heavily moderated but this can come as a shock, especially to people who have been to tightly moderated forums.

I actually think the moderators are doing a good job! It may be helpful to have a thread or two pinned for people who get very upset by some of the responses that are allowed because of the guidelines that are being followed since they may not understand it.
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Old 21st October 2014, 1:29 AM   #57
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Originally Posted by theothersully View Post
Why are these people allowed to attack others without penalty?
We get penalized. If you saw my rap sheet on here you would go screaming into the nite.
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Old 21st October 2014, 11:41 PM   #58
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Okay - I'm definitely not trying to start/cause problems, but I'm very confused about something, and a bit upset.

I had a post deleted on a controversial thread. I didn't really think my post was disrespectful- it seemed like there were others in agreement- basing this off of the 'likes' I received.

Now, if my one post was deleted as not adhering to civility and respect, and this is from the community guidelines:

"We expect that all community participants interact in a manner conducive to free-flowing, collaborative participation from all visitors, fostering an environment free of harassment, character attacks, and other forms of individual and group berating."

How can the thread exist? The majority of it is berating a group.
I really don't understand this.
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Old 21st October 2014, 11:52 PM   #59
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If it's berating a group of members, like members posting in this thread, then report it to moderation. If it's berating a segment of society, a culture, a religion, a country, a world, that's life!

The guidelines apply to inter-member conduct, not to the outside world. Berate your neighbor, your church, your boss, your president, your dog all you want. We even have a forum for it called 'Personal Rants and Confessions'. Enjoy! [This policy was later updated here]

Edited to add that there are factions here who always attempt to exert political pressure in the realm of racism, sexism, religious prejudice, politics etc, etc. Yep, it goes on. The site owner tends to err on the side of open and respectful discussion inclusive of all viewpoints.

Indeed, we even have a guideline:

"We realize that all members may not share the same definitions on issues surrounding personal morality, appropriate behavior, and other sensitive topics of discussion that often appear on the site; we encourage all to voice their own opinions while refraining from criticizing other participants for the perspective they hold. Each person that posts on the forum is to be treated with the utmost respect and civility regardless of how absurd or ridiculous the opinion expressed might seem to you from your perspective."

Last edited by William; 29th October 2017 at 12:06 PM.. Reason: Included guidelines and link to updated policy
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Old 21st October 2014, 11:55 PM   #60
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Ah, that makes sense. Thank you for explaining! Appreciate it.
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Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 29th October 2017 at 12:06 PM.. Reason: Redact quote of immediatly preceding post
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