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Why Are People So Abusive? [update]


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Old 9th February 2014, 2:24 PM   #31
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Quote:
Originally Posted by OpheliaSong View Post
The ignore feature is your friend. If someone keeps on and on, just ignore them. I have felt much better since doing that. There are those who just want to moan about hypothetical gender wars or try to save you from yourself so you have to just ignore them.
I get parented here a lot even though I have been living on my own and taking care of myself since I was seventeen. Just ignore, sully.
Nah these people don't want to ignore, they just want their rule to be followed. It's not fun if you ignore anyway, is it?

My experience with forums has taught me that critic for the moderators and the moderation should be private to avoid these conflicts. You got a complaint? Alert us, give us a lot of explanation and a couple of suggestions and we'll take them into consideration. Are you bitter and just want to vent? Delete report and bye bye. Simple as that.
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Old 9th February 2014, 8:19 PM   #32
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Ophelia, what is the ignore feature? I've looked around the site and cannot find it.

Thanks.
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Old 9th February 2014, 8:38 PM   #33
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Yes, moderation is a tricky thing. I know that one member is never too far behind me. Whether a mild rebuke or outright rudeness even on a thread where they can have no possible interest. I suspect jealously can play a huge part. Plus a worldwide forum always has a cultural aspect to consider. US, slang is sometimes blanked out, but Brit slang is not. But only the Brits among us will know what it really means. So yes moderation can be a minefield. So i am pretty impressed with William, yes and you Robert. On the whole this is a pretty cool forum.
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Old 9th February 2014, 8:56 PM   #34
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lokie View Post
Ophelia, what is the ignore feature? I've looked around the site and cannot find it.

Thanks.
You can access it two ways:

1. At this link:
http://www.loveshack.org/forums/prof...?do=ignorelist

2. Click on any username in thread view and select 'view public profile' from the menu. In the profile page, look at the menu bar and select 'User Lists'. Then, from the resultant menu, select 'add to ignore list', then confirm, then done. Any other access to public profile works similarly.

Once complete, you will not receive any notifications from that member's posts, their post content will be obscured, though you will see content where it has been quoted by other members, and their PM's will jettison into cyberspace and never reach you.

Powerful tool for the ordinary member to ignore abusive people.
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Old 18th February 2014, 8:09 PM   #35
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Originally Posted by Eggplant View Post
A lot of unhappy people on the internet who feel slightly less pain momentarily by stabbing at others. Don't take everybody seriously.
Unfortunately I think you're right on here. Imo, it's best to ignore and consider the source unless they are in violation of the clearly defined rules and regs here then by all means use Alert. Just my 2 cents. Kudos to William, Robert and the other higher ups for doing a fine job in my opinion!

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Old 12th March 2014, 12:18 AM   #36
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Originally Posted by William View Post
Hence, two people bantering back and forth or 'sniping' at each other or flirting with each other is contradictory to his intended purposes for this forum, no matter how productive it might be for them or for the audience watching them. That doesn't matter. Bluntly put, he doesn't care, as the primary purpose of this forum is to be an anonymous place to discuss interpersonal relationships and personal member interaction is discouraged by the very rules we moderate by.

If he were to change the rules and promote friendly banter, flirting, chatting, ribbing and alliances between individual member or groups of members, we'd moderate to that standard. I tried the above last year in the OTT and that was ended by our head moderator because it didn't reflect the tone and intent of the site owner. Fair enough. That's how it works. Incidentally, that experiment in no way reduced or limited the presence of abusive people. In fact, since our head moderator stepped in, there are fewer abusive people and moderation workload has palpably decreased for the same or increased site visits/interactions. So, if we go by the numbers, he was right and I was wrong but I think it was a worthwhile experiment.

I hope that addresses your suggestion adequately.

This could be a pinned post. I admit to scratching my head sometimes over the moderation, then I read this and thought, duh did not think of it that way, from the owners POV. I think it's hard to remember that this is not totally member driven forum. When I look at it that way it makes sense to me.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 12th March 2014 at 12:21 AM.. Reason: Fix quote
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Old 12th March 2014, 3:49 AM   #37
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The 'behind the scenes' work, for anyone who has never participated in running/moderating a forum, is HUGE. Not just moderating members, but keeping the spammers off, replying to PMs, answering questions, etc. It is extremely tireless and time-consuming.

There is no way the staff can read every thread. It used to get to me that others would 'get away' with things that I would receive an infraction for. I am a very quiet, unassuming person who never creates waves but on this forum and in the particular subforum where I post, it's easy to get upset when people seem to be judging others and I come in trying to defend the original poster (which ends up as insulting/pointing fingers at the other posters). I get angry and defensive sometimes and have to stop and think before I post so that I am not accusing anyone of anything, being insulting, etc. For this I received many infractions in the past, to the point that I am on the amnesty program now (which I hopefully won't fail). I get very defensive if I perceive other people being attacked, but the fact is that it's not my job to manage this, so it's not my place to post like that.

I think that learning to ignore it is the best advice, although if something is really over the top, you can always report the post.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 12th March 2014 at 7:56 AM..
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Old 12th March 2014, 12:47 PM   #38
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I felt the same way when I posted my very first thread here way back on the 20th of March 2011. I pretty much felt even more down thanks to those people.

I didn't need to know how much of a horrible person I was nor a female poster's reply of ''If you did this to one of my male friends, we would go grounds'' cruel comment. I was only 17 years old then. I can at times act childish still but I've mellowed a lot by now.

I wish I would have spoken up at the time but ok. I didn't. I felt bad enough already and it's like they were kicking me more while I was down. Besides that person has already long forgiven and we're friends again now.

OP, I'm with you. Offensive, non-helpful, constructive posts should be eliminated.

Last edited by MelodyRye; 12th March 2014 at 12:52 PM..
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Old 22nd April 2014, 12:54 PM   #39
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I am so sorry for your experience. I have looked at different forums before coming here and they can be very vicious! I said no thanks. I have found this one to be the most intelligent and supportive by far that I have come across. Best of luck to you!
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Old 28th June 2014, 12:51 AM   #40
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Why are thread starters treated unfairly most of the time?

All this I'm saying in this thread is not only happening to me but it's happening a lot on this site.

I've noticed that many threads seem to have a lot of likes but 99% of the threads I've seen do not contain any likes that are given towards the thread starter. I mean why not give credit to them for writing all this out and finding a place to get help? I know that they're not helping but they've spent efforts trying to explain themselves.

Thread starters have seemed to repeat themselves multiple times because they've been asked the same question of clarification. Yes people may not be able to read and we don't have an edit but I've seen times when the same person still puts up the same question.

Off topic posts have seemed to get likes. I have seen a lot of threads where posts just seem off topic. Those posts may be funny but come on, don't post it here and expect the thread starter to look happy. For example, a lot of 18 year olds have been questioned why use dating sites in the first place? People use dating sites for a reason and that reason may be personal.

The most common inappropriate treatment is when people just post a lot of abusive comments. I understand that it can be stupid that people don't know about dating but that's ok. This site is supposed to help them not laugh at their mistakes are criticize them in a rude manner. Where is the maturity? Why blame people for not understanding. It's ok, I think just a lot of people have problems dating even though their problems can be solved. I see a lot of rude comments towards them especially on the first page. This also ties back into my first point because most of those comments seem to get a lot of likes. Why would people post stupid things on purpose? That's what I've been hearing is noobs getting attacked because many people think they're faking this and just want attention/time to be wasted. I trust this and a lot of people are innocent people trying to find a date. Perhaps being more constructive can help.

Finally, I see a lot of misleading advice. I understand that we're all humans and we're different in many ways so some advice may work for others some may not work. However, even though it works for a lot of people, it happens a lot that people may have mental health problems. I think people need to stop making fun of them and give them the information that fits them. Perhaps that also connects with my other point of rude comments. I have seen a lot of people with Aspergers post on this forum and there is no issue on this. We have the right to be treated fairly and there is no reason to give them stupid advice. The society is stupid indeed so there are too many stigmas.

Now that I've said all of this, what is causing all of this? Why treat them this badly if they can't write a good question? Why not just kindly speak to them?
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Old 28th June 2014, 12:59 AM   #41
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Its not really a like button so much as an agree button. Its hard to agree with some one when they are the question presented and not the answer / advice giver.



Likes are pretty much meaningless anyway.
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Old 28th June 2014, 1:08 AM   #42
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I just checked and there were 284 threads posted and/or updated in the last 24 hours.

Figuring an average of five minutes to really read, not scan, each thread, with some being less and some being more, that's 5x284= 1420 minutes /60 = 23.67 hours. That leaves .33 hours in a 24 day to deal with the poorly behaving members we find.

Looks like a busy weekend

I've noted of late, since banning a lot of disruptive members, our member and post count is a bit down from historical numbers, so my scan of today is 'light'.

It's a [publicly accessible] forum. Members can post anything they want until it's reported or we catch it.

I merged this most recent posting on the 'abusive people' topic to re-open it to comment. In the interim, we've made some changes in response to past postings on this topic and will continue to do so over time. Thanks for the input!
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Last edited by William; 29th October 2017 at 12:01 PM.. Reason: Clarify publicly
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Old 28th June 2014, 1:32 AM   #43
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Armegoggon View Post
All this I'm saying in this thread is not only happening to me but it's happening a lot on this site.

I've noticed that many threads seem to have a lot of likes but 99% of the threads I've seen do not contain any likes that are given towards the thread starter. I mean why not give credit to them for writing all this out and finding a place to get help? I know that they're not helping but they've spent efforts trying to explain themselves.

Thread starters have seemed to repeat themselves multiple times because they've been asked the same question of clarification. Yes people may not be able to read and we don't have an edit but I've seen times when the same person still puts up the same question.

Off topic posts have seemed to get likes. I have seen a lot of threads where posts just seem off topic. Those posts may be funny but come on, don't post it here and expect the thread starter to look happy. For example, a lot of 18 year olds have been questioned why use dating sites in the first place? People use dating sites for a reason and that reason may be personal.

The most common inappropriate treatment is when people just post a lot of abusive comments. I understand that it can be stupid that people don't know about dating but that's ok. This site is supposed to help them not laugh at their mistakes are criticize them in a rude manner. Where is the maturity? Why blame people for not understanding. It's ok, I think just a lot of people have problems dating even though their problems can be solved. I see a lot of rude comments towards them especially on the first page. This also ties back into my first point because most of those comments seem to get a lot of likes. Why would people post stupid things on purpose? That's what I've been hearing is noobs getting attacked because many people think they're faking this and just want attention/time to be wasted. I trust this and a lot of people are innocent people trying to find a date. Perhaps being more constructive can help.

Finally, I see a lot of misleading advice. I understand that we're all humans and we're different in many ways so some advice may work for others some may not work. However, even though it works for a lot of people, it happens a lot that people may have mental health problems. I think people need to stop making fun of them and give them the information that fits them. Perhaps that also connects with my other point of rude comments. I have seen a lot of people with Aspergers post on this forum and there is no issue on this. We have the right to be treated fairly and there is no reason to give them stupid advice. The society is stupid indeed so there are too many stigmas.

Now that I've said all of this, what is causing all of this? Why treat them this badly if they can't write a good question? Why not just kindly speak to them?
Great post, Armegoggon


My activities in this forum follow the golden rules I grew up with.
I post all over the place and find many different kinds of threads interesting, and sometimes challenging.

I remind myself that each poster is a real person with a real personality.
If they were known to us in our real life, we might not like them much, or we might like them a lot.....depending.

All that being said, I participate here as a social exercise, the same way I do in my real life.
I try to gather what pertinent information I can, and then offer helpful comments.
Sometimes the topic gets pretty volatile. That's the nature of the beast.

There are times when I'm scanning a thread that's perhaps 50 or more posts long, and I realize that I disagree with almost everybody.
Then I have to make a decision - am I going to jump in with my disagreement, or not?
It depends on how comfortable I feel with the topic, I suppose.

It always makes me feel bad when I encounter a typical scenario: a relatively young OP who immediately gets gang-banged by a bunch of irate posters.
I work with a lot of young people (college students) and I'm used to handling issues that should leave me rolling my eyes, but I always want to be fair and understanding.

But again....that's the nature of the beast.
I suppose there's a certain intellectual enjoyment I derive from the process. This is after all, a lot of social noise. And some of it is pretty good noise.
Sure......personally, I would like to see more respect in the threads.
But this isn't a forum of select like-minded individuals who all know and like one another.
It's a whole wide world of everything under the sun.

So there's bound to be a few mine fields to tip-toe through.......
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Old 28th June 2014, 6:40 AM   #44
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Armegoggon View Post
All this I'm saying in this thread is not only happening to me but it's happening a lot on this site.

I've noticed that many threads seem to have a lot of likes but 99% of the threads I've seen do not contain any likes that are given towards the thread starter. I mean why not give credit to them for writing all this out and finding a place to get help?
I personally don't feel comfortable about "liking" somebody's presentation of a problem they're having. I feel like it could be interpreted as some sort of schadenfreude. I'll often like posts as shorthand for agreeing with them, or if I think they're particularly well written, help me view something from a new perspective or just make me laugh.

Quote:
The most common inappropriate treatment is when people just post a lot of abusive comments....noobs getting attacked because many people think they're faking this and just want attention/time to be wasted.
I think people often assume that posters who write stuff that sounds completely out there are just trolling. There are rules against accusing people of trolling. Personally even if I think somebody's trolling, if I think they're doing it out of some surreal humour and with the desire to entertain, then that's fine by me. The posts I see that tend to attract abuse are often those that express negativity about a large section of the population.

Quote:
it happens a lot that people may have mental health problems. I think people need to stop making fun of them and give them the information that fits them.
It depends on the severity of the mental health problem. Somebody who has a lot of difficulty interacting with others probably needs a more specialised board that's geared to their needs. There are times I've put a lot of effort into a post where I'm trying to gauge the person's needs and issues from the way they're presenting, and then - perhaps because of their difficulty in interacting socially - they haven't even bothered to acknowledge the effort. I've seen the same thing happen to others - and I think it's quite common to want to validate the person who clearly put time and effort into a post, but didn't get so much as a thanks from the person they were trying to help. Probably rescuer "burn out" can happen as much here as anywhere else.

Quote:
Now that I've said all of this, what is causing all of this? Why treat them this badly if they can't write a good question? Why not just kindly speak to them?
What I've said above. Human beings are flawed. A person can go into a situation with good intentions, wanting to help. Then they don't get the reaction they wanted or expected. The desire to help transforms into indignation and possibly even becomes quite abusive behaviour in people who have poor control. Just because a person is of a helpful disposition doesn't mean they've got their stuff sorted. It doesn't mean they're equipped to cope when people ignore or disparage their attempts to help. You mentioned the need to understand people who have mental health problems. I think people here do try, but you shouldn't rule out the possibility that at least some of the time, the people presenting themselves as helpers or fixers may have some fairly major issues of their own. It might be a mistake to hold responders to a higher standard of behaviour than thread starters.

The most usual situation where a thread starter is under attack is when that thread starter presents in a negative, complaining way that casts aspersions on a group. Well, in a sense that's what has happened with this thread. The group in question being the community of people who make up LS. Personally I think it's unfair to attack this board as being a particularly abusive one. It's one of the safest and most supportive online environments I've seen. You can't guarantee a safe environment on any "open to the public" site, of course, but in comparison to other sites out there I think LS does well.

Finally, people who consistently have run ins with others are often entrenched in complaining and aren't really solutions focused nor too interested in taking personal responsibility for negative interactions with others. If there's a common problem on LS whereby new posters get a bad reaction, I see two solutions

1. Ban everybody who the new poster feels treated them insensitively
2. Start up a thread aimed at providing guidance for new posters so that they get the best out of the site (and out of other posters willing to help).

The guidelines deal with 2 to a certain extent, but they're not very interactive and don't necessarily provide much instruction on how a new poster can elicit really good, useful advice from others.

On the rare occasions I've posted a thread seeking advice, I haven't tended to get responses from many people - but those who do respond have been top notch and given me great advice and support. I wasn't brought up with any expectation that people should go out of their way for me, but I was certainly brought up to appreciate those who do...and in any thread I started I would always try to respond to every bit of advice I was given.

I see others who do that, and who get very good quality advice as a result. So perhaps rather than focusing on the notion that this is a community filled with horrible, abusive people, it's more helpful to read those threads that work well for the thread starter - and learn from them. Learning to take personal responsibility without shouldering blame in an unhealthy way is, I think, something people struggle with all the time - and you can see the conflict playing out on a lot of these threads. But there's a lot to be learned from conflict. Not every person who disagrees with or challenges a thread starter is being abusive. In some cases, they may just be pushing a thread starter towards a lesson they really must learn if their interactions with other people are ever to improve.

Last edited by Taramere; 28th June 2014 at 6:50 AM..
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Old 28th June 2014, 9:18 AM   #45
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I've always viewed a quote or someone talking to you directly as the highest honor loveshack can bestow, with a like being a lower form of respect. So in essence thread starters get the most honor of anyone with all the attention bestowed on them and their problem. If they get any replies that is. Getting tons of likes on top of that seems like overkill.
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