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Old 9th August 2017, 8:06 AM   #46
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I've never been rude to anyone here and I am quite proud of that.
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Old 9th August 2017, 8:14 AM   #47
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On a side note, I also wonder (in more like a thinking out loud process than an elicitation of replies) if the fact the posts can be 'liked' have an effect on how the advice is given and received; I suspect it does.
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Last edited by littleblackheart; 9th August 2017 at 8:18 AM..
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Old 9th August 2017, 8:23 AM   #48
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Originally Posted by littleblackheart View Post
On a side note, I also wonder (in more like a thinking out loud process than an elicitation of replies) if the fact the posts can be 'liked' have an effect on how the advice is given and received; I suspect it does.
It does of course. We do have winners among the advicers here. Mine generally gets few likes despite my good mood and friendliness.

No, seriously. Sometimes ''harsher advices'' are necessary like a virtual kick in the ass. Some are posting looking for approval in their situation (eg. I am banging my best friends boyfriend, I am having an affair etc)

I don't mind some harsh comments, because they are sometimes on the money, berating genders is not though whether from a man or a woman.
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Old 9th August 2017, 8:51 AM   #49
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I'm pretty blunt and it's gotten me in trouble with the mods from time to time but I've found it's really all in the approach.

If my contribution comes from a place of bitterness then I usually get tossed out for a bit but if I genuinely want to help and offer my contribution with good intentions I've never once had a problem with being blunt.

And yes I'm the very same way in person.
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Old 9th August 2017, 9:01 AM   #50
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Originally Posted by amaysngrace View Post
I'm pretty blunt and it's gotten me in trouble with the mods from time to time but I've found it's really all in the approach.

If my contribution comes from a place of bitterness then I usually get tossed out for a bit but if I genuinely want to help and offer my contribution with good intentions I've never once had a problem with being blunt.

And yes I'm the very same way in person.
Do you mean blunt or direct? I feel there is a difference. We in the community give our opinion or perspective, not a universal truth, to people we don't know, so to me the delivery matters to a degree.

For me, direct means saying what you mean, blunt means not caring how others will take it. I try to be respectfully direct and when I'm blunt, it's not intentional.

Last edited by littleblackheart; 9th August 2017 at 9:07 AM..
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Old 9th August 2017, 9:39 AM   #51
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Originally Posted by littleblackheart View Post
Do you mean blunt or direct? I feel there is a difference. We in the community give our opinion or perspective, not a universal truth, to people we don't know, so to me the delivery matters to a degree.

For me, direct means saying what you mean, blunt means not caring how others will take it. I try to be respectfully direct and when I'm blunt, it's not intentional.
I take the blame (or credit) for starting this meta-discussion which has been twice moved by a moderator. I take that as a tag of "controversial" which was not my intention. But the types of topics I was and am curious about handling are also controversial, more so than a typical "I'd appreciate some sympathy" or "I'd appreciate a second opinion" post.

I agree that direct means something like saying what you mean. But blunt is more like without "sugar coating"; saying "you're being foolish" and leaving out the "but you're still a good person and I love you" part. Like I said, I can't see myself playing advice guru on this site. Not only don't I have "professional credentials" but I also can't claim to point to my own life as a sterling example. However I will note that if someone I knew shared with me some of the situations I see posted at loveshack I'd be grabbing them by the shoulders, shaking them, and asking "WTF are you thinking?".
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Old 9th August 2017, 10:09 AM   #52
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Quote:
Do you mean blunt or direct? I feel there is a difference.
"Blunt and direct mean the same thing regardless of what you feel."

That sounds rude compared to

Quote:
Do you mean blunt or direct?
"Actually I think they mean the same thing" which opens the door to discussion.

That's what I was saying about it being all in the approach.
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Old 9th August 2017, 10:27 AM   #53
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Originally Posted by nospam99 View Post
I take the blame (or credit) for starting this meta-discussion which has been twice moved by a moderator. I take that as a tag of "controversial" which was not my intention. But the types of topics I was and am curious about handling are also controversial, more so than a typical "I'd appreciate some sympathy" or "I'd appreciate a second opinion" post.

I agree that direct means something like saying what you mean. But blunt is more like without "sugar coating"; saying "you're being foolish" and leaving out the "but you're still a good person and I love you" part. Like I said, I can't see myself playing advice guru on this site. Not only don't I have "professional credentials" but I also can't claim to point to my own life as a sterling example. However I will note that if someone I knew shared with me some of the situations I see posted at loveshack I'd be grabbing them by the shoulders, shaking them, and asking "WTF are you thinking?".
You and me both on the advice guru front .

In the end, we each have our own idiosyncracies and interpretations and delivery styles but I think that the advice that comes from a place of empathy and genuine care for the OPs is all good.

There's no guaranties your advice will even be considered anyway, but as long as there is no agenda or selfishly driven motivations (like some sort of personal validation) it's fair game. A healthy emotional detachment is also handy, in case you get caught up in a particularly frustrating or personal story.
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Last edited by littleblackheart; 9th August 2017 at 10:32 AM..
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Old 9th August 2017, 2:35 PM   #54
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Quote:
Originally Posted by amaysngrace View Post
"Blunt and direct mean the same thing regardless of what you feel."

That sounds rude compared to



"Actually I think they mean the same thing" which opens the door to discussion.

That's what I was saying about it being all in the approach.
That's not my personal distinction, it's in the dictionary but you're right, I shouldn't have said 'I feel' .

I'm not judging by the way

(Sorry I only just saw your reply)
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Old 9th August 2017, 3:25 PM   #55
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Originally Posted by littleblackheart View Post
That's not my personal distinction, it's in the dictionary but you're right, I shouldn't have said 'I feel' .

I'm not judging by the way

(Sorry I only just saw your reply)
It's cool man, I'm busy drinking on the beach professing my love to my ex best friends husband through my friend Mike who works for them still so it's all good

lol
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Old 9th August 2017, 3:38 PM   #56
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Originally Posted by amaysngrace View Post
It's cool man, I'm busy drinking on the beach professing my love to my ex best friends husband through my friend Mike who works for them still so it's all good

lol
That sounds way more fun than what I'm doing (finishing a stupid PhD / procrastinating on LS !).

I hope Mike doesn't butcher the job for you
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Old 9th August 2017, 7:27 PM   #57
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Originally Posted by amaysngrace View Post
It's cool man, I'm busy drinking on the beach professing my love to my ex best friends husband through my friend Mike who works for them still so it's all good

lol
.........why?
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Old 9th August 2017, 7:32 PM   #58
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Old 9th August 2017, 8:08 PM   #59
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When I've noticed the gloves come off here, it's when everyone loses patience with someone who's been posting at length about a problem and got a lot of sympathy and advice, but then it becomes clear they left out an important factoid, like that he or she has never met the person face to face, for example, or the person has already told them they're not interested, and then they reject all advice or suggestions that they might need to change or leave the person alone. That's when people start to get a lot more direct.
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Old 9th August 2017, 8:22 PM   #60
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Yes, we see that regularly, and that's when I'll generally stop by and remind members that no one is required to post here, read here, or follow any advice or opinion voluntarily offered on LoveShack.org. I believe Paul, Tony and Midori touch on that subject as well, if the current moderation staff is considered irrelevant by some. Paul and Tony trained myself and original Robert on the rules here.

Sure, it sucks when someone doesn't acknowledge or follow one's advice. We deal with it all the time when members willfully or not don't appear to read or follow our directives. It is what it is. Everyone has choices. Still, the house rules apply, to offer opinion and experience in a manner that engages others and is a collaborative effort to work their stated relationship issue. If the content falls on their deaf ears, perhaps some other reader will see similarities and take the content to heart. That's the value of the resource IMO.
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