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Boyfriend is ignoring me can anyone advise?


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Old 11th August 2006, 5:32 AM   #1
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Boyfriend is ignoring me can anyone advise?

Perhaps someone has gone thorugh the same experience as I am going through now and will help me understand what's going on. Briefly, my boyfriend has been having a bit of a tough time in life at the moment (health-wise, money-wise, job-wise, etc) and I have tried to be as supportive as I can. 10 days ago however, he told me that he needs one week to be alone to clear his head. I said fine. That one week has now passed and I have not heard a word from him. He is talking to his frineds though and I seem to be the only one getting the silent treatment. There was no fight before that, in fact he was telling me how grateful he was that I was helping him with his job/career, etc.

I am so angry with him and feel like lashing out on him but know that this would do no good. I'd just like to know what's going on, but my guess is that the best way to respond to this behaviour is to do exactly the same to him, i.e. ignore him. I am just very, very hurt.... :cry:
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Old 11th August 2006, 9:13 AM   #2
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....my guess is that the best way to respond to this behaviour is to do exactly the same to him, i.e. ignore him.

Normally I would say you were right, but have you called him at all? Even once? If not, I would suggest you do & yes, don't lash out at him. Just keep it light & breezy. If he doesn't call back then assume it's over.
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Old 11th August 2006, 10:07 AM   #3
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I sent him a text the day after he told me he needed time (one week) to clear his head, just to say that I am there for him. He never responded to it.
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Old 11th August 2006, 10:32 AM   #4
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In a man's life - actually, in anyone's life - there comes a time when the relationship with the SO has to take a back seat in order to deal with other issues, like career, health, etc.

It seems that this is one of those times for him.

I'd suggest calling him once. Just once. Don't text or email. Speak to him directly. If he says he needs more time, or wants to take a break, it's pretty safe to assume that the relationship is, alas, over.
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Old 11th August 2006, 10:44 AM   #5
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Thanks Superconductor, that makes sense - I needed to hear a man's view on this. I get the feeling that he is overwhelmed with stuff and is taking it out on me because he knows how much I care about him and is counting on the fact that I'll be there when and if he decides to come back. The thing is, I am angry and as such, do not feel that I am in a good position to call him - it may turn out to be counterproductive because I just know that my pride will get in the way. So no matter how hard, perhaps it is best to stay away and let him crawl back if he wants to. Does this sound logical?

Why do men retreat when they have issues in life? Women do the opposite thing completely.
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Old 11th August 2006, 10:49 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ddd
Thanks Superconductor, that makes sense - I needed to hear a man's view on this.
No prob, glad to help.
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Originally Posted by ddd
Why do men retreat when they have issues in life?
You're making an assumption that issues are causing a retreat. That's probably not the case.

Generally, men don't spend a lot of time and energy venting their feelings. Yakking about it is all very nice, but it doesn't fix anything. Men just deal with the problem. Fix the problem and the bad feelings go away, therefore there's no need to talk.

So he's probably not retreating, he's just doing what he can to fix the problem.
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Old 11th August 2006, 10:54 AM   #7
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....my guess is that the best way to respond to this behaviour is to do exactly the same to him, i.e. ignore him.

Normally I would say you were right, but have you called him at all? Even once? If not, I would suggest you do & yes, don't lash out at him. Just keep it light & breezy. If he doesn't call back then assume it's over.

This is hard. I understand your pain. The worst thing you can do right now is chase him so DONT DO IT. He will run away even more. I would send him a text saying something like,

I guess you need more time. That is cool. Talk to you later.

You know, something like that. But let him know that you are not freaking out. He will call or text if he does not feel pressure.

In the meantime.....I know it is hard but try to do things to make you feel better and clear your own head. Try not to think of him so much so you can get a picture of what is going on.

I hate to say this but men are like children so to speak. I dont mean this negatively. It just means you cant put your all into them. You have to be stronger than them. You have to make decisions for them. You have to be the bigger person because alot of times they will not do it. They run from problems....we women deal with problems. Men love strong women because they are weak. So change your mind set. Dont be overbearing or mean. Just think differently about your man. He will like it. Dont be weak. I would probably cried at first too but my male friends would have told me how to deal with the situation and it would have been better advise than just crying.
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Old 11th August 2006, 12:33 PM   #8
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Ok, so I did send something neutral - I am helping him with a project and have just sent him a text saying what I had done for him since the time he cut all contact with me and added at the end "talk to you later". Got no response.

Is he angry with me? Does he hate me? I can not think of a reason why he would be doing this?? A simple text won't kill him...
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Old 11th August 2006, 1:00 PM   #9
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Ok, so I did send something neutral - I am helping him with a project and have just sent him a text saying what I had done for him since the time he cut all contact with me and added at the end "talk to you later". Got no response.

Is he angry with me? Does he hate me? I can not think of a reason why he would be doing this?? A simple text won't kill him...
I dont know everything that is going on but he probably needs some space and time to think. Dont crowd him. Believe me, I have had to practice what I am preaching so this is not some words not done. Just give him space, let him think......the opposite would be....

You coming on strong, irritating him....him saying just leave me alone. So THE BEST thing to do is......try whatever you can to get your mind off of it for a while....let you guys have the space.....and if you see that after another week or 2 he is still acting distance and not calling then you will have a better chance to say ....can we talk and resolve our differences. But right now....he dont want to talk. So you have to accept that and do other stuff right now
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Old 11th August 2006, 1:12 PM   #10
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Thanks 9Lives - I agree. At least I tried in a non-intrusive way. I'm going to wait and see and if he continues like this for the next week or so, then I need to see him and speak to him.
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Old 14th August 2006, 2:13 AM   #11
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In a man's life - actually, in anyone's life - there comes a time when the relationship with the SO has to take a back seat in order to deal with other issues, like career, health, etc.

It seems that this is one of those times for him.

I'd suggest calling him once. Just once. Don't text or email. Speak to him directly. If he says he needs more time, or wants to take a break, it's pretty safe to assume that the relationship is, alas, over.
That's true, if he's not in love with someone.

Girl, he's not into you, he's trying to make enough excuses to not see you. I get stressed out all the time and feel really lonely sometimes when no one else helping me. I occasionally turn to the closest person and if it's a girl that I like, I will turn to her. "Yo babe, I wanna go get some ice cream with ya" and then just chill with her. There is a saying that "men" go into "caves" but those kinda situations are ones where it's married life where the husband stays in the room for long periods and then comes back fine the next day.

This tactic he's using which many people use is called "Delaying the inevitable" , by him ignoring and not making any effort or excusing his behavior from external areas of his life in a way he wants you to ignore and move away from him because he doesn't want to be with you, other people in this thread will sugar coat their advice to you, but I will tell you how it is. Everyone has money problems. Everyone has work problems. Everyone has school problems. he doesn't want to make time for you because he's not into you!

Last edited by Hitman10000; 14th August 2006 at 2:16 AM..
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Old 14th August 2006, 9:05 AM   #12
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That was mean. It is not always that simple.
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Old 14th August 2006, 12:37 PM   #13
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I think he ran from what he percieves as the problem.

And I highly doubt he'll come running back to her whether she talks to him or not.

I agree with Hitman. I think this is his immature way of breaking up. Doing so with a lack of respect, and complete diregard for her emotions. The very least he could've done is to call her after the week was up, and communicated that he needed a longer period of time. Yet he didn't care to even return a text message?

Would you put up with an employee pulling that on you? Why would you put up with the person who supposedly "loves" you, respects you, and wants to ensure your well-being?

No communication - then no relationship. I think I heard it referred to as "the Fade". A slow dawning realization that he really isn't coming back..

Why would you want to be with someone who can't take 5 WHOLE minutes out of their day to send a text message saying a.) he'd like more time, or b.) he'd like to break up. Why would you want to be with someone who can't give the common curteousy that they would extend to their employers? Who wouldn't treat his friends that way, but feels it's okay to treat you that way? Why would you want to wait for him?
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Old 17th August 2006, 11:32 AM   #14
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ddd

how long was the relationship? i'm in the exact same position right now, only it ended last sunday in a fight and he just walked out. we didn't really fight at all, but i was just being moody, and he all the sudden said, "you're not happy, and that matters," and walks out. ignored all phone calls and i emailed a few apologies. now it's been a week and i don't know what to think. any updates in your situation?
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Old 17th August 2006, 12:13 PM   #15
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How long have you been with this guy, and is this behavior out of character for him?

Sometimes when guys are having a tough time with financial and job situations, they feel pretty low about themselves. Job and financial success is, after all, how many of them define themselves and their worth. Failing at those makes them feel like failures. The last person they want to see them as a failure are their women. And the last person they want feeling sorry for them are their women, or in your case, helping them out with something. They want to be heros, the ones women rely on, not the other way around.

So, it could be that he just can't face you right now.

Yes, it's possible he's taking the coward's way out and dumping you without a word. I don't know how you'd be able to tell which it is unless you know him really, really well, or unless you talk to him.

I'd go with an actual phone call, no texts or emails or messages. Just tell him that you're getting the impression that he doesn't want you in his life anymore and ask him if that's the case.
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