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wife no longer attracted, maybe she never was?


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ilovecables

Will have been married for 12 years this August, we have 2 kids, a 7 year old boy, and a 3 year old girl.

We've had our share of fights, arguments, etc. I've been seeing a councellor for anxiety/depression since February. It's helped sort out a lot of stuff that's been going on in my head. Since February, I've tried to talk thing out with my wife as to what she's been feeling/not feeling in our relationship. She says it's becuase she married to young, and is now realizing what she likes/doesn't like. She was 22 when we married, I was 27.

This morning, I was horny, had a good sleep, wanted to get intimate.

She said "I'm not having sex until we both brush our teeth, and your hands are clammy"

Neither of us got up....................

About an hour later she came down for her workout, then had a shower while I dealt with the kids.

I was putting cream on her back, giving her a foot massage, etc, after her shower, and we were talking about sex and relationships etc.

Both of us seem to becoming more aware of what we want - she has said she wants the tall/dark/handsome type, which I'm not. We're both the same height.............

I'm, also becoming more aware that I'm attracted to petite women - something I wasn't conscious of when we got married.

At the end of the chat, the subject of "let's just be freinds and co-parents that sleep in the same bed" came up yet again.

Part is me is ok with that, and another part of me thinks "no more sex for me".

She's also said she likes the guy to take charge, sometimes I feel like I'd be forcing her do it agianst her will, and I don't want that.

Another big part of it is that we have no help with the kids at all, and I think that's a huge part. I'm not even sure if having date nights is going to help at this point.

Frustrating to say the least. :o

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she has said she wants the tall/dark/handsome type, which I'm not. We're both the same height.............

I'm, also becoming more aware that I'm attracted to petite women - something I wasn't conscious of when we got married.

 

Give me a break. 'Tall, dark, and handsome' will grow 'shorter, paler, and wrinkled' and 'petite' may remain short but may not be tiny. Life and love are about much more than body type unless you two are hopelessly shallow.

 

She's also said she likes the guy to take charge, sometimes I feel like I'd be forcing her do it agianst her will,

 

Um. Hello? She SAID she wants it so your 'feeling' is bogus. Next time you 'feel' that way remember she said she WANTS it so give it to her!

 

You two need to go see a counsellor. There is more to this than you've told us. Could be it's just you've gotten too used to each other and need to do some things to spice up the relationship and reconnect.

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Unless you are open to divorce, I don't think it's ok for the two of you to become friends without sex while she tests the waters with other men. Now that she is your wife and mother of two kids, she has to snap out of her selfish fantacies and commit to her family and work on fixing the problems she commited herself to for life. Same goes for you. Too bad your wife is not petite and too bad you are not tall.

 

As far as her wanting a guy to take charge, that is something you have to work on. Sounds like you are too passive and unmanly. If you feel like you will be forcing her to do something againt her will, you can ask her at first to know what she will and will not be ok with. Both of you have to make some changes. You can't sit back and wish things will get better without taking action.

 

The counsiling you are getting for your depression is a good step forward. Maybe she needs to be in therapy too so she doesn't think it's ok to run off with another man now that she is discovering she married too young. People seem to leave marriages so easily and casually without working on them.

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ilovecables

Divorce is not an option, and I've told her many times "you ain't getting my sig, I'm in this for the long haul". I think deep down she appreciates that I'm not one to just give up, but sometimes I'm just so tired of trying.

 

On May 6th we drafted a "contract" of sorts - we put down on paper what we each need to do to improve our relationship.

One of those things that we agreed on is that we both need work on our physical intimacy. I went out a bought a book....hell, I can read all I want, but who the hell am I going to practice on if she isn't in the mood?

She's never masturbated, doesn't know how to pleasure herself, part of me thinks that maybe it's not what I'm doing/not doing, maybe she doesn't know what she likes? But, how is that possible? I've told she has to tell me what she likes/wants, but she says she's too shy/gets embarrased.....

Sounds crazy after being married this long - it's almost as if she just broke out of here shell a year ago.

 

Yes, I need to work on being less passive, that's for sure. :o

 

Even though she's not petite, I still find her attractive, hell, somedays she's downright hot, and I tell her so!

 

I've told her she needs to see a councellor to talk about things...

 

One thing she regrets is not having a realtionship with anybody else when she was in high school. I was her first guy. Sometimes she's jealous that I've had past girlfriends.

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If she is too shy to masterbate and experiment, maybe those are the times she is hinting on that she wishes you would be more in charge and 'force' her to do those things. She might find it easier to be herself with a stranger as strange as that sounds, than to go outside the box with you. Why don't you surprise her and 'make' her do the things she is wanting to do without giving up? It will be a challenge at first but it will pay off and prevent her from wanting to get her needs satisfied by another man who will do those things for her to get her out of her shell.

 

As far as her regretting not dating in high school. She really has to get over it. Don't we all wish we could turn back the clock to do some things we never did. Now that she is married with children, it is too late for her to start dating around as though she were in high school. Why don't you tell her you regret not having done something you wanted to do and that chapter is now closed, you can't do it either. That way she will see that you are making sacrifices too and won't resent that you have experienced 'everything' that she missed out on.

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ilovecables

Let's pretend I'm stupid - not to far from the truth.

 

How do make her do he things she wants? Her excuse is she's tried but her fingers are skinny, and she can't gt the angle right. I've suggested dildos or vibrators, but, yet again, she's too shy to go into a toy store with me.

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Then go to the store by yourself. Purchase a few items and surprise her with them. It is something a girl would rather have the man take care of those things. You should definitely head out and buy a few items and experiment together. You can also surprise her with some sexy lingerie. She will love it. In each of the stores, you can ask the salesperson to help you choose what they think would work best. They help men with these things every day.

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ilovecables

Thanks, maybe that's part of what she means by me taking charge.

 

She has mentioned MANY times that sh likes it when I talk to her and sit on the couch to watch tv, etc. That hasn't happen much between the kids and me working nights, and she's started to work days too.

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ilovecables

just had sex, tried my very best at doing everything she likes, she enjoyed it a lot, right up to the point where I came too soon for her liking. The whole time I kept asking here what she wanted me to do, she didn't verbalize. She moaned a lot, here breathing quickened at times.......

There was a certain postion that she likes where she said "yes, there, don't stop" I tried my VERY best to not come. When I felt I was going to come, I pulled out and tried the head-squeeze to no avail. I couldn't hold it. She got very upset and started to cry, and said "I can't do this anymore, I can't continue to hope you'll last long enough, only to be dissapointed again". I said "please tell me waht I need to do, or is it just lasting longer?" She maintains that she has a hard time verbalizing, and that "can't you tell from my body clues?" Well d'uh, I wouldn't be asking if I could tell, and I wouldn't be asking what you wanted me to do if I knew.

I'm thinking maybe I should see a sex therapist, this is getting ridiculous, and it's affecting our relationship. Right now she's sleeping on the couch......

I thought I was doing so well today. She went to the movies this aft, had a great time, came home all smiles. I sat on the couch and chated with her, gave her kisses all day, told her I was proud of her with the progress she's amde ove teh last 4 months with her excersice program, etc, etc. Made her a great cup of tea, kept her company while she took her contacts out - everything she likes.

I dunno what's gonna happen now. :(

She's very unreceptinve to do anything - am I supposed to know exactly what she likes?

Not even sure if "surprising" her with a dildo will go over well at this point.

More frustrated than ever. :( :(

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How often do you come before she does? Does she orgasm regularly when you have sex? That is a big problem if she doesn't. It can make her feel a lot of anger towards you. I hate being with a man who doesn't please me completely and comes before I do. You should definitely get yourself to a sex therapist, fast. I have left men instantly and without providing an explanation because of exactly what your wife is going through. I think why should I bother teaching him, if he cared he should take the time to find out what pleases me and make me orgasm before he is finished.

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ilovecables

She's never had an orgasm, and hasn't tried to bring herself to one, and I've come before she's wanted me to everytime. Yep, tonight was the nail in the coffin, time to seek out a sex therapist.

 

I think why should I bother teaching him, if he cared he should take the time to find out what pleases me and make me orgasm before he is finished.

 

Exactly! I'm trying to do that, I've asked her to tell me what she wants, tell what to do, SHOW me waht to do........argh!

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ilovecables

This thread is going to turn into a personal journal....................

Today was very depressing, I'm essentially traumatized by last night. Felt very distant, she was very distant today too. Went throught the motions with the kids. Went out and got her a Starbucks and a nanaimo bar, she LOVES that, enjoyed it, thanked me for it. She spend the day watching movies, it made here relax a bit. The bathroom was overdie for a clean, so I went at it, she thanked me - I made sure the showere was clean before she finished her workout.

She says she's miserable - she hates dropping our son to school, she hates potty training, she hates my schedule working nights, she hates being miserable, she hates the problems we're having..............

She wants to do the things she likes that make her happy - meeting with people she likes, watching movies, shopping, going to restaurants - when I asked her who she liked, she said "I don't know". Guess that rules me out. :(

I spent the last 15 minutes talking to her in bed as she fell asleep in a very low/calm voice. All I could think of was that she is a child in an adult body. Holy s***, grow up already! Who said being married and having kids was easy? Tried to suggest that she talk to somebody about how she's feeling.........she can't see how talking to anybody will help her feel better.

Gawd, how the hell can I get her the help she clearly needs?

I've tried changing my schedule to makes things easier, but it affected my health in a negative way.

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whichwayisup

No, until SHE learns how to give herself an orgasm and learns how to communicate in bed, she'll complain.

 

Seems you're doing all the giving and she's taking...

 

As for her behaviour in general??? Either she's depressed or going through a midlife crisis which has reverted her back to a child. Doesn't wanna have any responsibility, doesn't want to DO anything except to have some fun and on her terms.

 

Don't give up, but she really could use some therapy...Not too sure how old your kids are...They need their mom so she better wise up and act like it! Sorry to sound harsh, I can feel your frustration here...

 

Life is hard! Having kids is hard. Marriage is hard. So what? This is how it is, so she better get used to it and find a way of dealing with it. Hopefully with some guidance and her realizing talking to a therapist will only help her, things will get better.

 

As for the sex...Please her first. Go down on her, use your fingers...Even put on a condom to lessen the feelings, if you know what I mean. Or, masterbate abit before having sex with her, so that way you'll last longer the second time around.

 

She has to feel confident about herself...And her body. She seems to hold back, and either she isn't secure in her sexual abilities, or she's shy? Bad experience from the past?

 

Good luck, keep the lines of communication open. You're going a good job, you're meeting her needs, doing nice things for her so honestly, she has no reason to complain.

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ilovecables

I'm starting to realize that I'm a complete dolt in bed, at least that's what she's said - I can't seem to do anything right. To rough, not hitting the right spots, not the right motions......I do wear a condom eventhough I got a V 2 years ago. I got the ones that are "for her pleasure" hoping it would help, as well as de-sensitize me. I still come too fast for her liking, and mine too now. Hell, I even masturbated in teh shower this morning to see it I could control it........sex therapy time. Or a shrink......thnking back over teh years and relationships, I've never been able to hold it for very long.

 

I think she is depressed, or bipolar, gawd I hope it's not bipolar...............

I want her to talk to a therapist, but getting her to make the call, not sure how to go about. Hand her the phone, dial the number? Threaten to walk out if she doesn't?

 

Kids are 8 and 3 and they love us dearly. They seem to be happy with me, and cranky with her. When we're all together the kids are very

happy. Part of her baggage is that she went from getting here degree to marriage, house, kids , etc. "never got a chance to party" story. I keep saying that she could have said "no" when I asked to get engaged.......

 

I've ordered the book "Tickling Her Fancy", hoping it'll teech me a thing or two about pleasing her. Yep, before things get better, I'm going to have to get her off. I was her first, she never had a previous relationship, not even a boyfriend. When she's relaxed and into it, she pretty talented. But she's still shy about communicating what she wants.

 

Thanks for the support, I still feel at my wits end, but at least putting the words down in the forum is making abit more sense out of it.

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ilovecables

I ordered a book (arrived yesterday in the mail) called "tickle her fancy". Hopefully it'll tach me a thing or 2 about female anatomy, and maybe she'll let me try some finger work on her.....

That is until the phone call today.

I call her on my breaks to see what going on with her and the kids. Kids were playing outside, she said the ice cream was finshed, and that we needed more groceries, we're runningout of stuff, yada yada. HOw can that be, we just did groceris on Thursday, and payday ain't until next Wednesday. Course she didn't think about this when she spent $118 on personal crap that could have waited. Ponted this out, and she hung up on me. No phone calls at all later today. I get home to find cash to "cover the expenses for June" and a note saying that before I question her again about "unecessary expenses" I should find out how much a nanny, housekeeper and cook costs on a months basis.

WTF?

I'm out busting my hump, I know damn well how much running a house costs! All I meant was if were hat low on food, surely getting facial wax could have waited another week!

So much for trying out what's in that book. :(

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Don't get sidetracked, discouraged and distracted by issues she makes out of nonissues. Until you please her in bed, she will bitch about anything and cause fights out of things she could take care of or solve without fussing. She is obviously digging for problems intentionally because she has had it. This is when you need to use the advice in that book more than at any time, before it's too late as far as the marriage is concerned. Trust me. Don't give up now that you have the book to help you. That is what she needs.

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no offense, but it sounds like your acting like a pussy and not a "man" like she wants. she wants you to be an animal, to take charge. She want's to be ravaged. The more you kiss her ass to make up for your sexual inadaquacies, the less she is going to respect you. If you keep it up I won't be suprised if she cuckolds you with someone who won't shy away from giving it to her the way she wants it. "tall dark and handsome" is some stupid ass fairy tale bulls***, most women say that because it's programmed in their heads that that is what they should desire. Like men are supposed to all want skinny busty blondes. she wants a man to take charge of her body, even if your short pale and morbidly obese. maybe that's a slight exaggeration but you get my drift

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