Upbringing vs Experience vs Observation vs Speculation: The Virgin's Dilemma (long)

[Artscrafter]

Okay, this is going to be a very long post, and it's about half a question and half just writing to clear my mind, so bear with me here.

 

I'm a virgin. So's my girlfriend. We're roughly on either side of 20 years old, give or take. And recently, she's started commenting that she expects that fairly soon, we may end up having sex.

 

Note that I said "expects" instead of "wants." I honestly can't tell how much she wants it and how much she's just simply connecting the dots and extending the line. Lately we've been progressing at a relatively steady pace through stuff until the most recent thing (which sparked this off, as far as I can tell) was dry humping while I was more or less completely naked and she wasn't. She commented that at this rate we'll have to be breaking out the condoms soon.

 

Well, that got me to thinking. In my estimation there's still a whole lot of stuff left to progress through (in particular getting her comfortable with being a more active participant rather than lying there and taking it, however appreciatively, not to mention a number of actual intermediate steps) before it actually gets to sex. Regardless of whether she's seeing those intermediate steps or not, her comments drove into my mind the reality that we may very well end up having sex fairly soon (or at least soonish) at this rate, making it really register in a way it hadn't before.

 

This is all well and good, but enter the dilemma: What to think about it. The problem is that I'm still trying to sort out what I've been told during my upbringing from what messages I'm getting from my peers, filtering in my own observation of those around me and trying to put my own spin on it, in an attempt to come up with my own core set of values about this.

 

We'll start with the upbringing. My parents are naturally of the mindset that one should wait until after one is married before having sex. Though we're reasonably religious, this isn't the basis for that argument. It's more geared towards making sure you're with the right person and maintaining the stability of any family that might result. And I can see that there are some very good points here.

 

I have two problems with this: Firstly, it clashes so much with the way a good chunk of modern society looks at it as to have this view be called old-fashioned, idealistic, or what have you. But secondly, I've come to the realization that if you delay sex until marriage, then when you do get married, part of your reason for doing so, however small or large a piece of it that may be, will be because then you can have sex with this person. And I have a serious problem with that.

 

Call me a hopeless romantic, call me idealistic, heck, even call me naive, but I believe that the "right" reasons for marrying someone are because you love them and, after weighing the entirety of their being with all of yours, you feel you can continue to love them and stay with them for the rest of your lives. And that's it. Not because of your or their wealth or influence, not because it would make either or both of you more famous, not as a matter of convenience because you want kids (or not), not in order to allow yourself to finally let loose and sleep with the person, and certainly not because you already have slept with them and have a pregnancy you've got no other way to deal with.

 

I've seen that last one very close to home. My brother, who bears the personality that is very easily excited and just as easily bored with things, had been going through girlfriends at a more or less consistent rate until, suddenly, he got one pregnant. Then his sense of honor kicked in (he had been a Marine for a while) and he decided he would marry her. Certainly, at the time he claimed to be deeply in love with her, and I have no doubt in my mind that at the time he was. But now? Two and a half years later, he's cheated on her at least once (with a minor, no less!), he holds himself at completely different standards than where he holds her, they've been told by therapists and my parents to separate indefinitely and their marriage is all but officially over. I can only imagine how much fighting there would be over my nephew.

 

Granted, I have almost none of that same thrill-seeking tendency that's gotten my brother into this whole mess, but when one's real-life model for premarital sex is "get her pregnant, marry her out of a sense of honor, be miserable," one becomes extremely wary of the fact that pregnancy is still possible if you have sex no matter what kind of birth control you're using.

 

So how does this tie back to my girlfriend and me? It's hard to say. As of now, at least, I do indeed love her. Looking into the future, I can see myself eventually marrying her if things go well, but it's way too early on to be even remotely seriously considering it. (We've been dating for about 6 months.) In any case, it leaves me with a dilemma I'm not sure how to answer: Have sex and run the risk of getting her pregnant, resulting in either an abortion (which I'm not sure either of us has a moral objection to but which can still get ugly) or a marriage neither of us is ready for or necessarily wants; or put off sex, possibly eventually getting married, and run the risk of having that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I may have married her for the wrong reason?

 

All I'm sure of is that I'm not ready to have sex with her yet. Past that, I'm still working it out. I'd discuss it with her, but that's a lot of marriage talk and I don't want to be going down that road yet; besides, she'd probably just wave it off with a "that's okay, we don't have to have sex if you don't want to," thus entirely failing to address the real issue.

 

Thoughts?

[Outcast]

Have you heard of birth control?

[JayKay]

Outcast!!! ROTLMAO!!!

 

 

Ok, Artscrafter....

 

 

I understand that sex is a Very Big Deal for you and that you have lots and lots of thoughts about it.

 

The thing is, you need to sort out your own moral and ethical leanings and decide what is right for YOU and HER. Are you both OK with pre-marital sex? Do you both feel it is necessary and right for the relationship to progress?

 

If you are almost (or just past) the age of 20, you are an adult. Your parents' teachings can only bring you so far. Now you must start making decisions on your own and certainly....despite the fact there are many wise and wonderful people here on LS, they will not be able to tell you when is the right time to have sex.

 

If you are concerned with the possibility of pregnancy, there are ways to be sexual without inviting the risks of an unwanted child. There are lots of books about sex in this world and you may want to read a few -- you can bring each other lots of pleasure and affection without doing the actual deed!

 

And yes, there is birth control. Perhaps you two could take a trip to Planned Parenthood to learn more about how it works, which types are safest and have the fewest risk of side effects.

 

You sound like a thoughtful person....but is IS possible to over-think things. Consider just letting things run their natural course. Perhaps niether of you are ready for sex.

Believe me, when the time comes that you BOTH feel you want to progress in that direction, you will know!

[Artscrafter]

Have you heard of birth control?

This is why I don't post my innermost thought processes here more often. Of course I've heard of birth control! I even refer to it in my post. But frankly, a part of me is terrified of that small but real chance that any given form of it may fail.

 

JayKay, thanks for at least understanding that the point of this post is that I'm trying to figure it out for myself.

[Outcast]

Yes, there is a small chance that birth control will fail which is why you use more than one method.

 

I didn't see your main dilemma as an ethical one but rather a fear of pregnancy so it seems that's the issue to address.

 

I don't think people should wait until marriage to have sex; I do think they should wait until they are in love.

[Neptune]

Artscrafter,

It`s great you are thinking things through. Of course, there is only one way to entirely eliminate the possiblility of pregnancy and that is don`t have sex. Or any sexual activity that could result in pregnancy (heavy petting and mutual masturbation, naked dry humping etc....)

 

Most people seem to have too much confidence in birth control. Spend some time on the internet and be objective and try to find as much info as possible to educate yourself. Just don`t take Planned Parenthood`s info as gospel truth. (They don`t called them Planned Parenthood for nothing.)

 

What I`m getting at is that in reality my investigation seems to indicate that BC pills in perfect circumstances are 95% effective as opposed to 99%.

Not only that, BC in general, or as in the real world, is only about 77% effective. That`s a good 1 in 5 women end up unexpectly pregnant.

 

So, be informed by your own investigation. That way you will have the info for you and your girl.

[Outcast]

BC pills in perfect circumstances are 95% effective as opposed to 99%.

 

So you use both BC pills and condoms - or the BC patch for both (I think the one for men is available now?) - or some other sort of redundancy.

[NYCmitch25]

Have you heard of birth control?

 

YOU REALLY WANT TO TAKE ADVICE FROM SOMEONE WHO LIKES TO BE CALLED "OUTCAST" ?

[NYCmitch25]

I'm not sure how to answer: Have sex and run the risk of getting her pregnant, resulting in either an abortion (which I'm not sure either of us has a moral objection to but which can still get ugly) or a marriage neither of us is ready for or necessarily wants; or put off sex, possibly eventually getting married, and run the risk of having that nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I may have married her for the wrong reason?

 

This isn't the problem at all, the problem is whether or not you want to live with the moral consequences of having pre-marital sex. Right? Assuming that you are going to put off marriage for at least 4 years; by then if you don't know if you are marrying her for sex or not you'll never know. I bring this to light because apparently you don't konw much about relationships in general or the state of your own since you didn't know that should overcome the "marriage = sex" comment you've made. In short, waiting to have sex would be prudent esp. considering morality issues and the imature state your relationship is in.

[Outcast]

WHO LIKES TO BE CALLED "OUTCAST" ?

 

Never said I liked it. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO TAKE ADVICE FROM SOME GUY FROM NYC?

[NYCmitch25]

Never said I liked it. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO TAKE ADVICE FROM SOME GUY FROM NYC?

 

TO-SHAY!!