Breaking the Cycle...

[la_luna]

Sorry it's a long one...

 

Nearly six months ago, a close friend of 3 years declared that he was in love me. Having felt the same about him for a long time, I couldn't believe my luck and I'm still overjoyed. He's been living with me ever since, and for the most part quite harmoniously, i think.

 

He is very attentive, but I sometimes doubt how genuine his feelings are. He only mentioned his feelings towards me at the end of his only longterm relationship which i think was quite unrequited for him, and although we both find it hard being apart, we live off my student grant and he's failed to look sufficiently for work since we got together.

 

I also feel that my insecurity arises from a lack of communication between us, i am confident i can deal with anything he tells me, but when i try to talk tentavily about issues that i feel are important he usually shrugs me off and i end up feeling ignored and unvalued.

 

It seems I can only gain his attention when my frustration has built up into a brief but passionate outburst, making him angry and annoyed and escalating into an argument, for which we both seem to feel i'm to blame. Though i accept the issue itself may seem small, he accuses me of 'making trouble for no reason, every day' and after explaining why i'm upset (several times) he doesn't seem to listen, because his attitude ramains just as blameful.

 

These confrontations usually end either with his determination to leave the house and/or my breaking down and apologising. Either way, my initial assertiveness eventually gives way to utter guilt - we can't seem to find an alternative.

 

As he is aware, this scenario is nothing new for me and I've seen it spiral into physical and mental abuse from two previous long term partners. I'm so frightened that this relationship will end the same way, its as though i'm stuck in some 'Groundhog Day' nightmare because he says and acts exactly how the other 'rotten apples' did. Although i've had normal relationships before, i wonder if i'm instigating it, or that the trouble i've had in the past just gives him an excuse not to take responsibility for any part in our problems.

 

Earlier today, after a similar situation he walked out several times to go and stay with a friend, until each time i begged him to stay. it made me angry that he could leave when i was so upset and things were so unresolved - he often does this, and every time he returns the issue is apparently forgotten.

 

So i asked him not to go this time, i though we'd be better off if we could talk and understand eachother and i told him about a traumatising incident that happened to me a few years ago. I didn't feel very comfortable telling him, although he appeared to listen and was quite caring, he seemed to have half an eye on the TV. He didn't say much, but later i felt a bit better and he said he'd me a nice cook dinner.

 

I still felt guilty that he hadn't gone out as i knew he wanted to, but even though i was still upset underneath, my concerns seemed already forgotten. His friend rang and he told him he would set off immediately. He left me with a peck on the check and a groaning belly...

 

now i feel numb. I think i should break up with him, but i do love him. Am i driving him away or driving us both mad?! How do i deal with it?

 

Thanks x

[Judas Christian]

Ditch him, he doesn't respect you. If you are telling him a deep and traumatic memory and he can't stop watching television long enough to hear you out and respond, then you're wasting your time. I'm not sure about the cycle of relationships, but I will say this much - you have to stand by your words. In other words, when you bring up something that bothers you and want it to change, he (and others before him) threatens to walk out the door and leave you alone. You, being afraid to be alone (either in general or just without him) then back off and beg him to stay. Conclusion - he knows you're not serious and if he threatens to leave, you'll give in. Next time, don't. Even if he keeps walking right out of your life, you haven't lost a thing other than a mentally abusive relationship. If he doesn't leave, he's forced to deal with the issue because YOU called HIS bluff and therefor there's no having to pretend your concerns never existed. He's then forced to be on your turf. My two cents.

[Art_Critic]

Stop begging him to stay and let him go ..

 

Idiots that play the leaving game should only be dealt with one way.. call their bluff and let them walk right the hel* out of your life..

 

You would be so much better off not having such a manipulator lying next to you in bed

[Enema]

I think that you are instigating this and while I have no information on it, it's entirely likely you did the same thing in your previous relationships.

 

There's nothing wrong with your relationship: He doesn't hit you, by your own admission he's very attentive, cooks you dinner, he's not cheating on you, not mooching off you, not harsh to you without provocation.

 

YOUR issue is that you "sometimes doubt how genuine his feelings are" - for apparently no good reason.

 

His leaving the house is the way some men deal with confrontation they cannot make sense of. And believe me, to a man, you make absolutely no sense.

 

You should be grateful he's stuck around so long with such an insecure fruitcake. GL.

[oh_what_am_I_doing]

Wow... as I was reading your post I was thinking to myself, "This is exactly what I am going through," and I mean exactly. The walking-away thing is so unfair and hurtful. It absolutely crushes me when my guy does that.

 

And I also know what you mean when you say you're wondering how much of it is you and how much of it is the guy's fault. I struggle with that too. Do I just have bad luck and find guys who instigate it? Probably not. Now, I am not absolving my exes or current man from all responsibility, however I can't help but think the bigger problem is me.

 

And even if the problem isn't me (and/or you), we can't do anything to change the guys' behaviors anyway. The only thing we have control over is ourselves, and so I encourage you to make the decision that I have made in the past week: to not "be myself" but instead be "better than myself." I've been doing alot of reading up on the topic and am convinced that if I can bring about positive changes in myself, petty little disagreements that escalate into wars and tears will significantly decrease.

 

For example, I came up with the acronym SPARK to remind myself to be a better girlfriend and overall more enjoyable person to be around.

 

S- supportive

P- patient

A- accepting

R- respectful

K- kind

 

I don't know if anyone's still reading this or not, but I'll keep on going anyway.

 

Let's take the problem with our guys that we want more undivided attention while talking to them, while they want to keep an eye on the tv (or in my case, the internet). I think patience, accepting, and respectful all apply here. This is one I have been struggling with alot, but I keep telling myself to have patience- don't be quick to anger. Yes he is doing something to upset me (seems like he'd rather surf the web/watch tv than talk to me) but I need to have more patience. Just yesterday this issue arose again. I came over and apparently was a little on the quiet side and he asked me what was wrong, without ever making eye contact with me (eyes glued to the computer screen). I told him I wanted to talk about it but would not do it while he was on the computer, and he said ok but that he wouldn't get off the computer. Actually it's still pissing me off as I think about (ok, breathe deep! SPARK. SPARK. SPARK....)

 

Anyway, it's natural to think, "If he cared, he would get off the d@mn computer (or tv in your case) and talk this over with me...." well this is where "Accepting" comes into play. We must just accept that some guys, apparently our guys, just don't respond well in those types of situations. My SO has the capacity to treat me like a princess but in that type of situation, forget it. We just must accept him for who he is.

 

Let me finish by spreading some good news about today. Today was the first day in several days that crisis was avoided. We were walking home from getting a late dinner to-go, and was getting a drink from the vending machine. (This happened yesterday too but I didn't say anything yesterday. Today I just couldn't keep my mouth shut though). He got a mello-yello which I can't stand, and then started walking away. It was my assumption that I would get a drink also, and after this happened two days in a row I said something like, "I would like a drink too" and I was thinking to myself that he was being pretty thoughtless to just get himself a drink and not offer me one. I was angry for about one minute before I convinced myself that I wasn't being patient, and I wasn't being accepting of who he is. So I got over it and all was well.

 

Hope that helped. Knowing someone else is in the same boat makes me feel better.

[la_luna]

Thank you all for your replies - it's all starting to make a lot more sense.

 

I think I could definitely do with some time to breathe. I think there are issues we both need to confront about our own feelings and behaviour, but at the moment we don't seem able or mature enough to work through them together...

 

It's my birthday on Tuesday. Obviously, he has no money of his own and i'll be interested to see if he does anything special for me...a card would be nice! At the moment it doesn't bode well... upon passing a job vacancy sign at a new local sandwich shop yesterday, he refused to go in and said he didn't want to work there...i'd just payed for a night out to the cinema for both of us, beers n all.

 

I'll keep you posted with what comes up over the next few days...i'm amazed at how supportive this forum has proved!

 

x

 

I think that you are instigating this and while I have no information on it, it's entirely likely you did the same thing in your previous relationships.

 

There's nothing wrong with your relationship: He doesn't hit you, by your own admission he's very attentive, cooks you dinner, he's not cheating on you, not mooching off you, not harsh to you without provocation.

 

YOUR issue is that you "sometimes doubt how genuine his feelings are" - for apparently no good reason.

 

His leaving the house is the way some men deal with confrontation they cannot make sense of. And believe me, to a man, you make absolutely no sense.

You should be grateful he's stuck around so long with such an insecure fruitcake. GL.

 

Enema...Though i respect your overall opinion, i found your comments extremely hurtful and unconstructive. I already accept my responsibility for the problems, but i was hoping for some advice on how i deal with these kinds of situation in future.

 

Surely, most people deserve not to be cheated on or abused without having to feel grateful?!

 

On the contrary - i cook for him every night (which i mostly enjoy) As stated, he offered to on that occasion, but failed to follow it through. I would say he is 'mooching off' on me (if i understand your definition)...and that particular argument began when i very calmly expressed concern that he still carried kissy pics of him and said ex in his wallet - does that count as provocation, deserving to be told my feelings should not and therefore might as well not exist?!

 

is not communication the only way of making sense of something/someone you don't understand? how does walking away help in the longterm?

 

and, more worryingly - what sort of man is so attracted to an "insecure fruitcake" - and why?

 

*sigh...*

 

i'd be interested to hear your thoughts.

[NYCmitch25]

Wow, there is a lot going on here, and a lot of great detail. I guess I'll cut to the "sound bites" or the short answers if you will. I'm not any kind of expert and you can take everything with a grain of salt.

 

A couple of things:

 

"He only mentioned his feelings towards me at the end of his only longterm relationship"

 

"It seems I can only gain his attention when my frustration has built up into a brief but passionate outburst"

 

"i begged him to stay. it made me angry that he could leave when i was so upset and things were so unresolved"

 

 

 

I don't mean to sound pessimistic but his feelings for you were probably genuine at one time but are now seemingly not invested in the relationship. In short, I would say that the pressure of issues in this relationship are causing it's implosion. Some of this could be a bi-product of a man not being capable of dealing with his emotions or a woman *always* dealing with her emotions (like over pettiness) but that's a larger issue and unsolvable anyway.

 

Regarding him, he may be a total jerk, I don't know that of course, but part of the problem is also you. Getting right to the point I would say that I'm very sorry you went though such a traumatic experience and if you wanted to share with anyone I would be willing to listen openly or privately (have you sought counseling?). You may be exhibiting issues such as PTSD and having bi-polar issues. Again, I don't know this but you seem to be very co-dependent and overbearing in your relationships. Of course I don't know you so I'm only suggesting things, not asserting them.

 

In short, the things you are looking for in this guy isn't going to happen but consequently some of it doesn't exist in any guy. What do you think, is this too far off ? Want to point out some details I missed? Anyway, I would partly focus in on the you part of the relationship first instead of blaming the guy for not being all that he can be. You may want to seek professional help as well.