Am I being overly jealous?

[Giselle]

Hey all

 

I have a question. My bf and I are both college students in our senior years, taking 18 hours, working, he's in the school choir, I'm a soloist in a local ballet company, basically we're insanely busy people but we cope with it. Therefore, what little time we have together is very precious to me.

 

The situation I am concerned about is his choir fundraiser coming up in November. During the fundraiser, choir students audition to perform whatever song they want to. My boyfriend said last year that he wanted to perform with another girl in choir at the fundraiser. This other girl gives me bad vibes--we've been introduced so many times but whether I am alone or with my boyfriend she *never* acknowledges me, only him. We even had a class together a few semesters ago and she never even waved at me. I told him last semester that I was pretty uncomfortable with him performing with her, since they would have to rehearse together a lot (by themselves).

 

Last night, he told me that they were definately going to perform together, and I was like "what???" and then he said that he regretted telling me (since I will be out of town that weekend and would not have found out). They're going to sing "Come What May" from Moulin Rouge.

 

I trust my boyfriend, but it's her that I don't trust. I *have* to trust my boyfriend, otherwise I would not be able to deal with all the freshmen having crushes on him. I don't think it's right to put my foot down and say "You can't do this!" But would it be too much to insist on sitting in on their rehearsals in the back while working on my homework or something? Am I being too jealous based on what is just a gut feeling about this girl?

[morrigan]

The only person who can make sure that nothing goes on with this girl is your boyfriend. It's his choice.

 

Don't hover around the rehearsals or try to confront this girl about her actions. I agree she's acting rather rude, but she will sense your insecurity and it won't stop her from going after him if that is what she is doing.

 

You have to trust that he will not cheat, but to be honest, if you do become concerned that he would, there are other issues in your relationship.

[Sheba]

Giselle, I have been in your shoes. I am learning that my imagination gets carried away on the wings of what I think is intuition. It may be intuition or may simply be more imagination.

 

Is it possible that your boyfriend will listen to your expression of discomfort and collaborate with you so that you can feel better about the arrangement.

Assuming that your boyfriend merely admires this girl's voice and think it is a good accompaniment to his own, of course. Would he, for example, invite you to come to the rehersals to watch them practice (maybe as background music to your studying?). Would he do that in a gracious way, by saying to her that he invited you? Would he make a point of being extra attentive to you in her presence so that she can not so easily ignore you?

 

You may be right or wrong about her intentions, but of course it is his intentions that matter the most. If I were you, I would be appeased if he cared enough about your feelings to accommodate them.

[Giselle]

Thanks for the advice guys.

 

I think part of what I'm worried about is that my bf can be stupid about how women are sometimes. For example, a different girl tried to kiss him during a school trip a few years ago. She got him outside by saying "Oh, oh, I just need somebody to talk to." My boyfriend, being the nurturing and protective person that he is (he wants to be a therapist or psychologist), didn't suspect anything and followed her outside and listened to her talk about her problems for awhile. And then on the way back inside, she tried to kiss him and he was totally shocked and pushed her away. I *know* this girl and I totally knew that the whole "I just need somebody to talk to" bit is just a ploy (cuz I've done it myself back in high school!).

 

He's made me give up guy friends in the past because, in his words, "guys don't want to be friends with you, they are just being friendly to get into your pants" and "I don't trust other guys," etc. But when I try to tell him that some women are like that too, he just dismisses me as being silly and jealous. I've never made him give up a girl friend because I trust him. I guess this is a reflection of those "other issues" in our relationship that morrigan brought up.

 

Sheba, thanks for the reality check. Admittedly, I sometimes do let my imagination take over. I think my bf is just expecting me to not make a big deal of it and forget about it (also, I definately won't be confronting the girl in question). But it still feels like a big deal to me... :-(

[morrigan]

He's made me give up guy friends in the past because, in his words, "guys don't want to be friends with you, they are just being friendly to get into your pants" and "I don't trust other guys," etc. But when I try to tell him that some women are like that too, he just dismisses me as being silly and jealous. I've never made him give up a girl friend because I trust him.:-(

 

Trust works both ways. I'm not trying to be nasty, but your boyfriend is being pretty hypocritcal about it.

 

There's nothing wrong with either of you having friends of the opposite sex. It's only an issue if the friendship is being hidden from the SO or the person is lying about the time spent with a friend.