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Is that really that bad not to have children?


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Springsummer

It seems everyone has children. If I don't, if feels like a complete failure, loser and life is not complete before I die.

 

Do I need to do whatever it takes to have that before it's too late?

 

If children is not an issue. I think I really don't care that much for a relationship. I think I finally figure out it is not meant for me in my life.

 

another internal debate/dialogue I don't have an answer for.

 

I think I really need to talk/see a therapist.but in the past, I talked over the phone and went to see a couple of times, I found useless. because they are free as employment benefit... you get what you paid for?

 

what's your experience with therapist? do they really help?

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I'm not sure you need a therapist. It seems to me that you just need to be able to trust yourself.

 

First up, think of someone you know who doesn't have kids (or even think of childless people who you don't know). Would you say that they are "complete failure, loser and [their] life is not complete"? I'm pretty sure you wouldn't say it.

 

So the question is, if you wouldn't say it about someone else, why say it to yourself?

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Happy Lemming
It seems everyone has children. If I don't, if feels like a complete failure, loser and life is not complete before I die.

 

Neither my girlfriend nor I have children...

 

We don't feel like losers or complete failures and we both have had fun rewarding lives.

 

Enjoy your life and try not to compare yourself to other people. The grass may not be greener on the other side.

 

If I may suggest a book "Why have kids? A new mom explores the truth about parenting and happiness" by Jessica Valenti

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CautiouslyOptimistic

There is absolutely nothing wrong with not having children. I imagine childless people have much less stress in their lives (usually) than people who have children unless they are stressing about not having children (infertility). Being responsible to guide another human being (or more than one) into a productive and happy life is VERY stressful. Would I trade it? Not for anything now that I know and love my children. But, I do see the appeal of a childfree life for sure, and fully support that.

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thefooloftheyear

Kids are a huge sacrifice on many levels and it's definitely not for everyone...I do kinda feel for women, as it seems like women with no children are often seen by society as perhaps selfish, uncaring/loving, etc...

 

They call older women with no kids "crazy cat ladies" but older guys without seem to have no negative vibe that I am aware of....

 

So I do see the point that OP is making here..Just whatever you do OP, DO NOT just have a kid because you feel compelled to fit in.....That will likely be a disaster....

 

On a side note and something I hadn't ever thought of regarding this topic popped up the other day...I had a meeting with a client who is well into his 60s...After we talked business, we spent a few minutes just chatting about life in general...He said he and his wife had no kids and it was great when they were younger now both feel like they will have no one to take care of them should they fall ill or succumb to the ravages of old age..He seemed quite concerned about it...Never really thought of it that way, though I do spend a lot of my time caring for my mother..

 

TFY

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CautiouslyOptimistic
He said he and his wife had no kids and it was great when they were younger now both feel like they will have no one to take care of them should they fall ill or succumb to the ravages of old age..He seemed quite concerned about it...

 

I have heard people say this before. It's not something that ever crosses my mind, but I have kids. However, I never think of them caring for me when I get old.

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thefooloftheyear
I have heard people say this before. It's not something that ever crosses my mind, but I have kids. However, I never think of them caring for me when I get old.

 

Neither do I, other than I kid my daughter about it from time to time....:laugh:

 

But we are still fairly young....Perhaps when we hit this guys age and maybe have a few medical setbacks, then it will be more of an issue...I can see that...

 

We'll see, ..;)

 

TFY

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happyhusband0005

You have to want kids if you are going to have kids. Being a good parent is incredibly hard work sometimes. You have to put yourself last, and take them into consideration in every decision you make. You have to look at where you live (are there good schools there) you have to financially plan for college. Every major decision my wife and I make in our lives is affected by our kids. I see so many people who are horrible parents and don't even realize it. They had kids without fully considering what that meant. Then they rant endlessly about how much expense and stress children have added to their lives. Well no one forced you dummy.

 

I commend you for being honest with yourself. If you don't have the desire for children you should feel zero shame in not having them. You should feel pride in not giving into societal pressure to do so.

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I don't have kids and I certainly don't think of myself as a failure. If I'd ever married I probably would have had just one, but I don't really regret it as it was never a priority for me. I have a pretty cushy life which I bought with the money it would have cost me to raise kids, and I have nephews and a god-daughter so my life isn't devoid of young people.

Main reasons I didn't want kids are that I feel very strongly about women being socially pressured into having families, as not all women make good mothers. My own mother was a self-absorbed woman with little to no interest in her kids, she always behaved as if we were a massive burden that had been inflicted on her. Being an unwanted child is no fun and it messes kids up, so why have them if you're not absolutely certain that you want a family?

I also am one of those save-the-planet types who believe the planet is over-populated and that, at the current rate of population growth, this will ultimately lead to a catastrophe of unimaginable proportions. Not in our lifetime, but it will eventuate. When I was younger that was always a consideration for me as far as having a family went.

There's plenty of interesting research relating to the outcomes of pressuring women to breed and removing their choice about parenthood and/or removing their choices regarding termination of unwanted pregnancies. Some of it's in a book called Freakonomics, (Dubner and Levitt), and points indisputably to the benefits of removing the social guilt or judgement heaped on women who choose not to breed.

Whatever, if ever anyone goes all 'oh, you poor thing' on me because I have no children I assume they're an uneducated simpleton who lets society dictate their choices and decisions, and my response..."Oh you poor thing."

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happyhusband0005
<snip>

There's plenty of interesting research relating to the outcomes of pressuring women to breed and removing their choice about parenthood and/or removing their choices regarding termination of unwanted pregnancies. Some of it's in a book called Freakonomics, (Dubner and Levitt), and points indisputably to the benefits of removing the social guilt or judgement heaped on women who choose not to breed.

Whatever, if ever anyone goes all 'oh, you poor thing' on me because I have no children I assume they're an uneducated simpleton who lets society dictate their choices and decisions, and my response..."Oh you poor thing."

 

 

Amen, Ladies especially the young ones, go by what you feel is right for you not what you think people expect of you. If you don't want kids, you will likely be a crappy mother. If your a crappy mother you'll raise crappy kids. If you raise crappy kids you make the world a little bit more of a crappy place. SO if you don't want kids do the world a favor and don't have them.

 

On a separate note to the women (or girls) who may read this who are not in a position to have children but think it would be cool, please don't, kids are not a fashion accessory. They need to be loved and loved and loved some more. They need to become your main focus in life. And yes they consume a vast amount of natural resources, especially the creative inventor types like mine.

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I am not clear - is it a relationship you don't want? or kids? Plenty of people (mainly women) are happy to have kids outside of a relationship.

 

As for having kids - its fine you don't. Either you have the drive - the fundamental need, purpose to have them... or you don't.

 

I know plenty of parents who seem wish washy about the kids they do have.

 

As for therapists - I have had several therapists. Each one was very different, and helped in specific ways. None was the perfect therapist. You have to look around and try different ones, or rely on referrals. But if you are trying to find one to help you be "sure" about not having kids or a marriage - I think you are wasting your time. You do or don't want them.

 

On the flip side of your view - I am at a point now in my life where my main purpose, point in life, is being a dad.

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DH & I don't have kids. I'm too old to have them now.

 

I'll be honest. There are people who make me feel bad that I don't have kids. It's hard to connect with people in my town without kids because this community revolves around kids.

 

I always knew I was too selfish to be a good mom & I never wanted to be a single parent. If I had children I would have done whatever it took to care for them & love them but by the time I married at 41 & we started trying it was already close to too late. In my ambivalent spirit, I was unwilling to try expensive IVF. For a lot of reasons, including age, we were unable to adopt.

 

Having children is a personal choice but if you are not sure, don't bring a kid into this world as a status symbol or some kind of accessory.

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It seems everyone has children. If I don't, if feels like a complete failure, loser and life is not complete before I die.

 

Do I need to do whatever it takes to have that before it's too late?

 

If children is not an issue. I think I really don't care that much for a relationship. I think I finally figure out it is not meant for me in my life.

 

another internal debate/dialogue I don't have an answer for.

 

I think I really need to talk/see a therapist.but in the past, I talked over the phone and went to see a couple of times, I found useless. because they are free as employment benefit... you get what you paid for?

 

what's your experience with therapist? do they really help?

 

Background: When we were courting, it was clear both my ex-wife and I wanted to have children. It turned out that (IMNSHO) her several character flaws made her a terrible mother, put significant stress on the marriage, and eventually led to divorce. Again IMNSHO, though she was always around, my sons had one 'parent'.

 

Children: I'm glad I had them. I devoted half my life to being there for them and it was worth it. I see our relationships as good and much better than their relationships with 'her'. With my best non-family friends having died young (in their 50s), my sons are among my closest friends.

 

Therapists: I think they are worthless. They may help people who are REALLY f--ked up. But for my family they sucked. On the one hand MCs: if we had one that saw what a poor wife and mother she was, she stopped going. Otherwise the MC just said I had to change my behavior to adapt to wife ... and change again ... and change again ... On the other hand IC for for her: antidepressants FOREVER - the therapist totally acting as the salesperson for the drug company. On the last hand IC for the kids: ditto the antidepressant thing. As they matured, the kids got to the point where they saw that the drugs didn't help at all and just stopped going.

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losangelena

I echo what everyone else has said. Society is changing; women have opportunity outside the domestic sphere, and are no longer reliant on family life to survive (quite literally). I could not care less about having a child. I am just barely learning to care for myself, never mind another human being. I do not want the financial burden or the responsibility it would take to truly be a good parent. If you don't want them, do not have them. If someone gives you a hard time, that's ON THEM.

 

As far as therapy, I had a great one for three years. It took a while to notice any internal changes, but when I look at the person I was when I started compared to when I stopped, I could see I'd grown a lot. It does take some work to find someone you connect with—not all therapists are good fits.

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Of course it's not "bad" to not have children. It's a personal choice like anything else.

 

That being said, if YOU feel that "life isn't complete" without them, then chances are that YOU want them. In that case, I would recommend going for it - with a sperm donor or an adopted child if you don't have a mate. But first you have to be sure that you actually have the resources to care for them - money, stability, time.

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RecentChange
It seems everyone has children.

 

Everyone? "Seems" isn't reality. Here are some facts:

 

https://www.statista.com/statistics/241535/percentage-of-childless-women-in-the-us-by-age/

 

53.8% of 25-29 year olds do not have any kids. Millennials are having kids at a lower rate than ever before. Not everyone is having kids, in fact, more and more people like myself are choosing deliberately to not have kids.

 

If I don't, if feels like a complete failure, loser and life is not complete before I die.

 

Why do you say that? What do you have to offer a child? Why is success or failure in life tied to getting pregnant?

 

Is Jennifer Aniston a complete failure? What about Oprah? No accomplishments? Dolly Parton? Diane Sawyer? Gloria Steinem? Condoleezza Rice? Rachel Ray?

 

You right... what a bunch of complete failures, with incomplete lives.

 

Do I need to do whatever it takes to have that before it's too late?

 

Nope, not unless you REALLY want kids, and your biggest goal is to live the life of a mother.

 

what's your experience with therapist? do they really help?

 

I have had good luck with in person counseling when I had challenges in life that I needed help with.

 

My husband and I are childless by choice and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have always known that "mommy" was a role I never wanted. My idols growing up, were successful business women who had careers, traveled and had horses (but no kids). Its a lifestyle I enjoy.

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Having children these days often puts so much stress on a relationship that many couples end up divorcing. What does that tell you?

 

 

Personally, I have one child. I had him when I was 28 because my sole purpose in life was to have a child.

 

 

I raised him on my own. I did a good job. I cannot imagine what it would have been like if I had to share the parenting with someone who did not see eye to eye with me on parenting issues.

 

 

So as if having children was not anchoring enough, hard enough or stressful enough, imagine what it could be like with an incompatible partner or doing it alone, possibly.

 

 

If you take this into consideration and one day decide you still want to give it a go, have a child.

 

 

Otherwise, I think having children is vastly over-rated. My advice to someone who is on the fence....don't do it! ever

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Springsummer
I'm not sure you need a therapist. It seems to me that you just need to be able to trust yourself.

 

First up, think of someone you know who doesn't have kids (or even think of childless people who you don't know). Would you say that they are "complete failure, loser and [their] life is not complete"? I'm pretty sure you wouldn't say it.

 

So the question is, if you wouldn't say it about someone else, why say it to yourself?

 

Actually I don't really know anyone who is older than me doesn't have children. I will be the first in my family, like as far back as great grand parents of both my mother and father sides.

 

I know a few ladies of certain age in this of city who are childless, but I doubt they are older than me.

 

For ordinary and traditional people, that does seem like a failure:(

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Springsummer
Everyone? "Seems" isn't reality. Here are some facts:

 

https://www.statista.com/statistics/241535/percentage-of-childless-women-in-the-us-by-age/

 

53.8% of 25-29 year olds do not have any kids. Millennials are having kids at a lower rate than ever before. Not everyone is having kids, in fact, more and more people like myself are choosing deliberately to not have kids.

 

 

but....I am not 25- 29 anymore...

 

Why do you say that? What do you have to offer a child? Why is success or failure in life tied to getting pregnant?

I think I can teach a child a lot of things about life. Every thing I learnt I learnt through mistakes. I really want to pass on my hard earned wisdom so that he/she won't make the same mistakes.

Is Jennifer Aniston a complete failure? What about Oprah? No accomplishments? Dolly Parton? Diane Sawyer? Gloria Steinem? Condoleezza Rice? Rachel Ray?

 

They are highly accomplished people. few people can achieved that.

I guess it depends on how you measure success and the meaning of life.

 

They are not failure, but are their life completed? totally fulfill in all aspects? experiencing everything as a woman?

 

 

Nope, not unless you REALLY want kids, and your biggest goal is to live the life of a mother.

 

I have had good luck with in person counseling when I had challenges in life that I needed help with.

 

My husband and I are childless by choice and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have always known that "mommy" was a role I never wanted. My idols growing up, were successful business women who had careers, traveled and had horses (but no kids). Its a lifestyle I enjoy.

 

I have never really known if I want to be a mommy or not. Marriage and kids seemed something quite foreign to me, because I had never been a mature person mentally. Now as I got older, I have different perspectives and realization.

 

I think I am a nurturing and sacrificial kind of person.

 

I also enjoy travel, sports, career, etc...but life feels empty and meaningless without someone to really care about and to go home too.

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Springsummer
Of course it's not "bad" to not have children. It's a personal choice like anything else.

 

That being said, if YOU feel that "life isn't complete" without them, then chances are that YOU want them. In that case, I would recommend going for it - with a sperm donor or an adopted child if you don't have a mate. But first you have to be sure that you actually have the resources to care for them - money, stability, time.

 

Yes. It's a personal choice. but I just don't know what my choice should be. there are pros and cons in every choice.

 

Yes, I do want them but I don't know if I can have them. I meant now that I work for the fed and my personal income is more than the national median family income. there is one year paid maternal leave and other kind of short paid leaves are generous. but I don't have a partner and it looks like I can never find someone I like and who also like me back. so in order to have a child I will have to settle for someone I don't really like or be a single mom. Is it worth all the troubles and sacrifice? can I afford a child in this sense?

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so in order to have a child I will have to settle for someone I don't really like or be a single mom. Is it worth all the troubles and sacrifice? can I afford a child in this sense?

 

 

Being a single parent is tough, but with one year paid leave and other generous benefits (daycare?) it would be easier for you then many single parents.

 

Is it worth all the troubles and sacrifice ? Thats impossible for me to say for you.

 

For me...it was worth it for many reasons.

 

1) I wanted family lineage a connection - chain/circle of life thing. I see my late mother and late father and other family members in my kids. It fills me with belonging and connection - I dont feel alone in the world. It will make my own passing later in life easier or more natural for me.

 

2) The unconditional love I feel for my kids is unlike any love I have given. Their love for me is unlike any I have received. Maybe some are lucky to have a spouse or partner or something else like this - but this is true love to me.

 

 

 

To a smaller extent - this kind of connection to the larger world and future -making a difference - has spurred me to serve in other ways - politics, community and professional leadership. I like giving to others and the world. But kids are my main legacy.

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2.50 a gallon

I am retired, wanted to but never had kids and wish I did. I am not a failure, just did not find the right lady.

My girl friend of over 20 years, (read wife) has a grand daughter and now a great grandson. It is a two edged sword, I wish I too had the same, but at the same time, she keeps giving them her retirement money, that she is going to need once I am gone.

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Studies have show that couples that don’t have children are happier. So if you don’t want children then don’t have them. Don’t have them just to have them. Not having children doesn’t make you a failure. My 2nd wife never wanted children. Children are a huge responsibility and are expensive.

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I never ever wanted children.

 

But I did want marriage. So I got married.

 

I have children now. I chose them. And I appreciate and love it. I understand now why women want children so badly. But I was never that woman originally.

 

But at the same time, had I never ever had children, I'd have been fine too. I would have been happy without children as well. Maybe I would have had a regret while I was older, that oh gosh I didn't do that, didn't get to experience it. But that regret is with everything else I haven't tried. And tbh, it wouldn't have killed me. The regret. It's just normal to want something you don't have that everyone else around you does have.

 

Anyhow, the worst thing anyone can do, is have a child when they don't want to, or have a child with a partner just cause they have to settle. Worse thing ever.

 

Especially for a woman, who will enter a war zone, get the beating of her life, her world will be trashed upside and down, and no one will help or sympatise. And children don't even do that. The process of child bearing does. You don't get a good start even as a woman, when your child is fresh in your arms, and now you have to raise it.

 

Motherhood is a brutal process on your mind and body.

 

The madness a woman can experience is real and common.

 

And what's worse is no one will care. As it's expected and asked for when your get pregnant.

 

Also I won't be shy saying this. But it is the most selfish and heinous act to purposefully raise a child as a single parent. Sure you can plan it. To get pregnant and go solo. Just cause you have a need to hold a child, but a child has a deep innate need for two parents. Don't care how modern the world gets. The nature of children, which we continually like to ignore will never ever change when it comes to mom + dad.

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Studies have show that couples that don’t have children are happier.

 

'Studies have shown' pushes my hot buttons. Simply because of the biological imperative, Occam's Razor sez BS. So .... citations, please. And a statement on a non-authoritative website merely stating the conclusion does not qualify. Please make any citation you care to provide be a link to the actual report produced by the study. A well-reported study includes a description of the experiment design, the statistical analysis, and enough of the raw data to evaluate whether the analysis was performed with mathematical rigor (parametric vs non-parametric, alpha levels, and other less important considerations). And ... are you (or another LSer) aware of any other studies that came to the opposite conclusion?

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