Reactions of the BS when they find out aout the affair

[wmacbride]

A question was asked in another thread about the reactions some bh/bw have. Why do some reconcile, while others divorce and some choose to take their own life ( or reach a point where they feel like they want to)

 

I can only speak for myself, but as much as I hate to admit it, if it wasn't for my children and parents, I can see myself as having chosen the last option. My whole world had been flipped on its head, and I really felt, in the moment, like I could no longer trust my spouse, who was the one person I felt I should have been able to trust. The mental pain was also unimaginable.

 

Paradoxically, this strafing of trust was one of he driving factors that kept me somewhat grounded. I felt like I couldn't trust him, so I needed to be there for my children.

[ItsJustMyOpinion]

If I ever get married, if she cheated on me and it came to light, I would certainly not consider taking my own life.

 

I would probably be angry, hurt maybe a little, but mostly relieved that I found out instead of wasting my love on someone who was ****ing around behind my back.

[Woggle]

I was calm as can be but the weekend after all hit the fan I sat in my living room with a loaded gun trying to get drunk and high enough to get the guts to pull the trigger on myself. It wasn't just the cheating but it felt like I had finally built a life after a life of hell only to hell it blow up in my face and I was fed up. I couldn't bring myself to do it and ever since that weekend it was like the fear just left my body. My life has been a success ever since. I am not really a religious person but it was like there was a force telling me don't do it because better things were ahead. I am thankful everyday I didn't pull that trigger.

[RecentChange]

Hum...

 

I knew I wanted to reconcile, separating was very very far from my mind, and suicide? No... No way. But there was a point where I felt pretty lost. I had never envisioned a life without him, so being forced to do so, was hard.

 

It made me sad, and it made me pissed and angry. I felt like I had invested so much into him. Into us. I had spent years toiling, building a life for us - and to think that it was all for nothing. That made me mad.

 

Waking up in the morning, and knowing our future was uncertain made me sad - I definitely had a period of time where I started every morning with tears.

 

But suicide.... No no no...

 

In many ways, the episode made me stronger. It made me see that I could be fine on my own two feet if I needed to. That I can have a life apart from him.

 

In the end, I insisted he get counseling, and I got some counseling myself... And we made it to the other side.

[Popsicle]

Hum...

 

I knew I wanted to reconcile, separating was very very far from my mind, and suicide? No... No way. But there was a point where I felt pretty lost. I had never envisioned a life without him, so being forced to do so, was hard.

 

It made me sad, and it made me pissed and angry. I felt like I had invested so much into him. Into us. I had spent years toiling, building a life for us - and to think that it was all for nothing. That made me mad.

 

Waking up in the morning, and knowing our future was uncertain made me sad - I definitely had a period of time where I started every morning with tears.

 

But suicide.... No no no...

 

In many ways, the episode made me stronger. It made me see that I could be fine on my own two feet if I needed to. That I can have a life apart from him.

 

In the end, I insisted he get counseling, and I got some counseling myself... And we made it to the other side.

 

RecentChange (my neighbor) I know we've talked privately and I want to commend you on your progress. You've come a long way and I am proud of you. <3

[road]

A BS's reaction to being cheated on:

 

Divorce

Recovery

Suicide

Murder

 

Asking a very general question yields a very general answer.

Though suicide and murder are two choices that no one should

ever take yet sadly a few do.

[JohnAdams]

Finding out about your spouse's affair is similar to coping with a close death. You go through the stages of grief:

 

* SHOCK & DENIAL- You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. ...

* PAIN & GUILT- ...

* ANGER & BARGAINING- ...

* "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS- ...

* THE UPWARD TURN- ...

* RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH- ...

* ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-

 

How you deal with these stages will vary with individual, divorce or reconcile. You may not necessarily go through all the stages or in this order. Personally, I think I pretty much went through all of these stages. I know for myself during the first few stages i analyzed all of my options; divorce, reconciliation, suicide. The option I wanted, which was for it to have never happened was not possible. On the question of divorce or reconcile, I analyzed many factors; we had 2 small children, poor finances, love, and our martial history. In the end, we reconciled, and I am glad we did.

[seren]

I was shocked beyond words, I always felt we were rock solid, everyone held us up as the most loving couple they knew. H told me, I felt sick, was sick, was angry like I never thought I could be. I clenched my fists so hard I popped my knuckles out of joint. I asked him to leave the house as I felt so angry I wanted to hit him (not proud of that), I drank a huge gin then rang him to come home. Asked all the questions we ask, who, how long, when, where and the biggie, did he love her?

 

I sat up all night, the next day I had what I needed and we spoke. I set a limit on how long we talked about it as we just kept going around in circles. The first thing I needed to know was if he wanted to stay, the second to say that we had to move as I didn't trust myself not to rain hell on the OW and had I, I would have lost my job.

 

The OW kept ringing the house as he destroyed his mobile phone, she and I spoke, I actually felt sorry for her all that she said was the same as my H. But, she also told me that she loved him and no, he hadn't said it to her, but she said she would do all she could to break us up. TBH I laughed when she said she knew him, I remember saying well I have known him almost 30 yrs and never saw this coming, so she must be a mind reader and no I wasn't stopping him contacting her, even said he should and give her closure, but he refused. It became a hot mess when she kept phoning me, especially the late night calls and the one where she pretended to be from the MOD and said he had died in Iraq. For that I went looking for her and am thankful we never met then. I helped her get a safe house when her husband found out, but for over 6 yrs she pursued us.

 

Sorry, rambling, initially I didn't not love my husband, I never fell out of love with him nor lost my trust that he would do it again. It has changed our relationship and he mourns my absolute trust in him with me. Our son, who was 22 or so came back and overheard me yelling at H. I told our son that his Dad needed a hug and to be told that he was loved and I am glad I did that as their relationship is as strong as ever, had I bad mouthed H or looked to our son to support me it would be so different.

 

Now, we are 10 years on from D Day, we have a different relationship, not worse, in some aspects better despite the affair. Coming so close to losing us made us both change and we communicate better. One thing I always puzzled was how he could say he loved me, yet have an affair, he says he knew he was being bad and made excuses to himself. Now we know one reason why it all happened, combat stress, and all and he has counselling still for that. it was a dreadful, awful time and I am speaking as someone who knows dreadful times. It is something I could never, ever do, not even to my worse enemy. I forgive, but I never forget.