Jump to content

Doesn't everyone have red flags?


Recommended Posts

Aren't you just supposed to decide what you can and cannot live with? I mean really I know I have them, every one has some baggage it's up to you to decide what is too much. Certain things like abusive behavior should be avoided at all costs, but honestly many things just need better communication.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

There are red flags, and there are character traits. You have to be able to make the difference. A red flag comes from a place of dysfunction and will only get worse with time. A character trait is part of someone's personality, you decide if you can live with it or not.

  • Like 5
Link to post
Share on other sites

Red flags fall into two groups, IMO: the generally applicable ones, such as abusiveness, and personally applicable ones, such as smokers, opposite politcal leanings, or incompatible religious beliefs.

 

I don't have any generally applicable red flags, but I know that I have many personally applicable ones.

Link to post
Share on other sites
I will admit the ones with them are more fun, though

 

Not really. Unless, an unhealthy relationship filled with drama is considered to be "fun"...

 

I would agree that not everyone has red flags.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease
Not really. Unless, an unhealthy relationship filled with drama is considered to be "fun"...

 

I would agree that not everyone has red flags.

 

I agree with you on this, BaileyB. I see a red flag, I'm out, no matter how charismatic or seemingly interesting the person seems to be. There are enough intriguing fun and healthy people around to spend time with without getting involved with dysfunctional and/or dangerous ones.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
littleblackheart

We all have something that others might not like about us for sure; nobody's perfect. Even with better communication, some incompatibilities just can't get fixed - is that what you mean by red flag?

Link to post
Share on other sites

Yes!! everyone will have something that is PERCEIVED as a red flag and many that are indeed red flags such as meeting a guy who is not over his ex ... that's a red flag. But without a doubt no matter who you meet, especially in this jump- the- gun, throw away society, that someone is going to come along and see red flags, whether they're really there or not.

 

And yes, everyone has some baggage of some kind. Some will not tolerate that in you while in the meantime they have a ton more baggage than you've ever had. Baggage, however, comes with living. It's individual observations that sees these things as red flags or not.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you think better communication can change someone who's a train wreck. It's can't. There are certain things no one should accept and keep out of their life. People can't just be changed because you try to love them. People get to be bad and stay that way and get worse. The sooner you learn that and stop being so tolerant, the safer and happier you'll be.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Rather than getting into objective vs. subjective red flags, I'd suggest different terminology: red flags & deal killers.

 

Red flags are things like dishonesty, untrustworthiness, addition, abuse, anger, violence, insolvency. Deal killers are purely subjective. Smoking for instance. Deal killer for some, compatible life choice for others. Some goes with alcohol, social life, children, job, education etc...

 

So with that being said, no, not everyone has red flags. But we all have deal killers in someone's eye.

Link to post
Share on other sites

No one is perfect so everyone will have their own red flags.

 

The wife beater, as in tee shirts, and a mans favorite summer

apparel, is a red flag though some women will it the wife beater tee

if the man wears one's that are not stretched out, holes, stains.

 

The wife beater, as in the man that beats his wife, is a red flag that

all women should not ignore and sadly a few do.

 

Some red flags can be ignored when everything else a potential

spouse brings to the table makes up for it.

 

Then some red flags should never be ignored. No matter what.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Red flags are the potential for something wrong. Like s/he gets upset if you don't get a chance to text them one day. Are they unstable? Are they jealous? Possessive? Something to keep an eye on for it may mean future danger.

 

I imagine there are people who see nothing that could potentially be a bad quality in a partner initially. Likely blinded by love/infatuation.

 

But afterwards, once the relationship is terminated, that's when most people see the red flags.

 

Hindsight is 20/20.

 

ETA: If I ran from every red flag I would be a virgin

Link to post
Share on other sites

I see red flags and deal-breakers.

 

Red flags are warning signs. Abusive tendencies. Irresponsibility. Emotionally immature. Jealous. Controlling. Addiction.

 

Deal-breakers are personality traits or life circumstances you can accept or reject - do they have transportation, do they smoke, do they have kids, are they slovenly or OCD clean, religious beliefs, political leanings, table manners, body type, outdoorsy or indoorsy, habits, sense of humor, income.

 

Everyone has red flags by past experience...baggage. Someone who grew up or had a relationship with an abuser will pick up on warning signs...sometimes misguided due to heavy, unresolved baggage, they see signs that don't exist...other times, real...very real.

 

Everyone has deal-breakers...won't date short men, won't date people outside their religion, they have quirky habits you can't get past, will not date someone with X character trait, or such-and-such background, etc.

 

Everyone has a "thing." Everyone has baggage. We can communicate, but there are some obstacles that can't be changed or accepted and you can talk yourself blue in the face over it. We want who we want. That's okay, that's what dating is for...do we blend as a couple?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think everyone has their foibles.

 

I have something many would consider a red flag-I havent been in many relationships. People think something is wrong with me. Being single for long stretches of time gets comfy, and I get used to being alone. I can be a bit rusty in relationships. I can't make someone be in a relationship with me so this one is mostly out of my control.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
littleblackheart
I think everyone has their foibles.

 

I have something many would consider a red flag-I havent been in many relationships. People think something is wrong with me. Being single for long stretches of time gets comfy, and I get used to being alone. I can be a bit rusty in relationships. I can't make someone be in a relationship with me so this one is mostly out of my control.

 

That's an honest self-reflective post, hotpotato.

 

I guess I project the same 'red flag' as you, plus plenty of other things that are considered red flags by other people that I fully admit and try to work on (the hard part!) - I find frequent communication with someone to be a chore (not close family obviously!), I can go out in crowded places but only in small doses, I'm not great at small-talk, I don't deal well with people who are too emotional or passive aggressive, I need far too long than is necessary to feel safe in someone's company, I mostly dress for comfort (dressing up is also a chore that I feel I have to do to 'conform') and I have male friends!. And yet strangely I am at peace with myself.

 

My main 'red flag' in others is someone who can't recognise or admit to their own flaws, and someone who is too emotionally driven (that's most people, to me!).

 

Any form of abuse is more a no go area than a red flag.

 

OP, what do you define as a red flag?

Edited by littleblackheart
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
rachelangelo

Red flags are typically character flaws in a person. This means something major that causes you concern. Personality traits that you find unattractive are not necessarily red flags. That being said, if you find yourself not being able to live with a personality trait, then don't continue the relationship.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...