Frustrated and disgusted

[Logo]

I've just commented in someone else's thread, so this is my chance to vent.

 

I went out tonight and tried to approach a couple of women. I do my best to be friendly -- in a gregarious way -- and respectful, but tonight, not only did I get rejected, I even got nasty rejections. It might have been the geographic location.

 

I don't know where I rank looks wise, it's hard for me to self assess, but people who are older than me, both men and women often tell me that I am handsome and good looking. When I was younger, good looking women would often say behind my back that I'm "hot".

 

Well, it might be the emotional, not the physical that's playing a barrier here. But for the life of me, I don't understand why women have to be so rude. Not all of them. In some cases I might get the usual, "Oh I have a boyfriend" or "It was nice to meet you" as she walks away. That's fine. Not everyone is going to be interested. I understand that. I don't expect every person to like me.

 

But in 9 out of 10 cases, when I do get positive non-verbal cues that someone is interested, I get figuratively chased away by a sour friend of hers who for some reason or another decides that she hates my guts. And so, that woman decides that she has to do the same. "She doesn't want to talk to you", they say as they pull her away. Rarely do they stand up for themselves and say, "No. I actually want to talk to him." There's that entire pack mentality that comes into play, too. So the odds are against me in those cases.

 

[/vent]

 

I feel better now.

Edited March 4, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Chilli]

Glad ya feel better logo.

 

And yeah, it;s weird, women wonder why guys are hesitant when they're in a pack or with friends all giggling away .

l never ever use to go near women in that situation, not in that way anyway can't trust it.

 

But it can be a funny situation in all sorts of circumstances though too can't it. Once l met my business partner's sister when we met at a pub to discuss a deal. Me and the sister hit it off instantly, and the partner got a really really ruffled.

Partners married anyway , dunno why she'd care.

But she never brought her along again after that.

[IndigoNight]

One of the benefits of having a wing man, is that he can distract the potentially rude friend while you get to know the one you're interested in. You can also wait until she is sitting alone, and approach her then. Try to avoid cheesy pick-up lines, unless you make a joke out of using them.

 

I tended bar for years, and I noticed that the friend who gets rude also tends to be the one who has not been getting hit on. Does jealousy cause her to be rude? Possibly. I've also known women who are just rude for no reason.

 

In the future, you could try buying a couple of drinks, and talk to both girls with slightly more focus on the one you're interested in. OR A good server can sometimes be just the ice breaker you need. Have your server take them a round of drinks (the server will likely know what they're drinking), and you should get smile and nod as a thank you (a sign that your approaching might be welcome, but not a guarantee). No smile or nod, don't bother approaching them.

 

Unfortunately, in all of the bars I worked in, playing the game is almost a requirement. Sad, but true.

[d0nnivain]

Glad you vented.

 

Just assume the sour friend had some issue of her own going on which made her cranky or that she was "protecting" her friend who you fancied because that woman may have been dragged out after a break up to cheer her up or something else was going on with her.

 

While rudeness is awful, it probably had nothing to do with you.

[CptInsano]

One of the benefits of having a wing man, is that he can distract the potentially rude friend while you get to know the one you're interested in. [...]

 

Absolutely this^^. I have been in relationships for most of my adult life, but I have been the wing man so many times for my single friends. If you talk to a woman in a group you interrupt the group dynamic and exclude the remaining women, and they may feel annoyed and excluded.

 

If the wing man talks to the remaining women he gives the single guy a chance to chat up the woman he is interested in. Being a wing man lead to some very "interesting" situations, but looking back it surely worked.

[somanymistakes]

But in 9 out of 10 cases, when I do get positive non-verbal cues that someone is interested, I get figuratively chased away by a sour friend of hers who for some reason or another decides that she hates my guts. And so, that woman decides that she has to do the same. "She doesn't want to talk to you", they say as they pull her away. Rarely do they stand up for themselves and say, "No. I actually want to talk to him." There's that entire pack mentality that comes into play, too. So the odds are against me in those cases.

 

[/vent]

 

I feel better now.

 

If those cues are non-verbal, it's possible that the friends are missing them and are afraid that you're badgering a girl who is, for whatever reason, too shy/scared/intimidated to tell you to go away.

 

After all, if she doesn't protest when they pull her away, that suggests she might be the kind of girl who doesn't know how to protest if she doesn't like your attentions, either.

 

Not necessarily the case of course, but it's a possibility.

[Popsicle]

The friend is left with no one to talk to. If the friend wanted to be alone she would have gone to the bar alone. That is why she is hating.

[Popsicle]

One of the benefits of having a wing man, is that he can distract the potentially rude friend while you get to know the one you're interested in.

 

I think good wing men are hard to come by. He'd have to be someone who is already taken or extremely selfless.

Because why would a guy want to waste his whole night talking to the ugly friend?

 

If the guy is charming, funny or entertaining, he can talk to and entertain both women. Then they might both be wondering which one he's interested in. Then at the end of the convo, he can turn to the one he likes and ask for her number. He does the choosing.

[IndigoNight]

I think good wing men are hard to come by. He'd have to be someone who is already taken or extremely selfless.

Because why would a guy want to waste his whole night talking to the ugly friend?

 

If the guy is charming, funny or entertaining, he can talk to and entertain both women. Then they might both be wondering which one he's interested in. Then at the end of the convo, he can turn to the one he likes and ask for her number. He does the choosing.

 

My single male friends used to take turns being the wing man. The approach worked for more often than it didn't. A lot of women don't want to bail on their friends, or their friends give them a hard time when they try to go talk to a guy alone. I saw it all of the time during the 10+ years I tended bar. Bar dating rules are a bit, odd. To say the least.

[Happy Lemming]

I went out tonight and tried to approach a couple of women. I do my best to be friendly -- in a gregarious way -- and respectful, but tonight, not only did I get rejected, I even got nasty rejections. It might have been the geographic location.

 

 

Maybe it is your area... I've been approaching women for years at bars, pubs, book stores, basically everywhere... I've only gotten a "nasty rejection" a handful of times. Most of the time its a simple "No Thank you" or "I already have a boyfriend, but thanks anyway".

 

For the record, I've always worked without a wing man. I like the challenge of pealing a woman away from the group and seeing the others get jealous.

 

There was one time I approached a blonde and a brunette at a local pub. Initially, I started working on the blonde, but noticed she had a wedding ring and band; I quickly changed tactics and started working the brunette. As it turns out, the blonde was happily married and was being the brunette's "wing woman". I ended up going home with brunette and dated her for a while.

[CptInsano]

I think good wing men are hard to come by. He'd have to be someone who is already taken or extremely selfless.

Because why would a guy want to waste his whole night talking to the ugly friend?

 

Because the ugly friend may be fun to talk to, the roles are reversed the next time, or because I wanted to use my friend's hydraulic lift.

 

If the guy is charming, funny or entertaining, he can talk to and entertain both women. Then they might both be wondering which one he's interested in. Then at the end of the convo, he can turn to the one he likes and ask for her number. He does the choosing.

 

That would a unusual. The guys I helped were focused on one woman in particular.

 

The hard part as the wing man is to remain cordial and focused. He is also the one who has to make sure to pull the plug at the right time, and is usually also the designated driver. I had to make sure to get my friend out of there before the husbands or the police arrived.

[Shining One]

I think good wing men are hard to come by. He'd have to be someone who is already taken or extremely selfless.

Because why would a guy want to waste his whole night talking to the ugly friend?

Most of my guy friends are very good about returning favors. Being a wingman for one night means I get a wingman for another night. Also, the "ugly" friend might be good in bed.

[Mr. Lucky]

I do my best to be friendly -- in a gregarious way -- and respectful

 

I wonder if you're coming on too strongly and then misreading the resulting body language? If you have a female friend, you might have her watch you in action and offer some constructive feedback...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Vyliss]

I'm guessing you are approaching while you're still "cold". And probably by yourself right? So you're coming across creepy and stalkerish. To do well with women while out, you should ideally go out with one other guy, be super social with EVERYONE (men and women, whatever group is around), look like you're having a ton of fun on your own. This will minimize looking as if you're on the prowl. (Turn off).

 

Also if you're going to approach a couple of girls, make sure to give attention to BOTH. If you only target one then of course the other is going to get bitchy. No woman wants to be the "ignored one", it makes them feel insecure. Give equal attention to both, win BOTH over (especially the friend), and if you want to talk to one in particular, make sure you have a wing man that can keep the friend company. (This is also why you go out in groups).

 

Never direct approach - it rarely works unless you're extremely confident and can handle many rejections in a row.

[preraph]

I hate to be the odd-woman out here, but I have never known a friend to run off a man interested in her friend except if she KNEW said friend was no way interested in him and was doing her a favor so she didn't have to be the bad guy, but that would look more like, "Mary, we better get going" or something like that, not leering crazily at you. Good friends know who their friend will like because they spend a lot of time talking about those things. Usually the bigger problem is they both want you so they have an ethical dilemma. Also, though they were out appearing to be partying, it is possible she knew the friend was in no condition to let her run off with someone. A good friend will be the B if she knows her friend has drank too much and will regret it. But nothing wrong with just giving her your number.

 

You have to realize, the one you liked has her own brain. If she objected to her friend running you off or whatever, she had the power to intervene, and she didn't.

[lana-banana]

Two really good truths here: 1) whether you're just friends or a couple, nobody likes a third wheel on a night out, and 2) friends don't block their friends from potential love interests. If a friend blocks you it's because they already know your approach isn't welcome. (By the same token, if your approach WAS welcome, they wouldn't let their friend drive you off.)

 

Have you tried meeting women in larger groups? I've heard a lot of success stories about apps like Meetup, social sports, gyms, concertgoing clubs, etc.

[Logo]

If those cues are non-verbal, it's possible that the friends are missing them and are afraid that you're badgering a girl who is, for whatever reason, too shy/scared/intimidated to tell you to go away.

 

After all, if she doesn't protest when they pull her away, that suggests she might be the kind of girl who doesn't know how to protest if she doesn't like your attentions, either.

 

Not necessarily the case of course, but it's a possibility.

 

I think that's what happened in addition to what I wrote below. The friend had no idea. She was busy looking for someone her type to take home.

 

But you know what? Show me your friends and I'll tell you who you are.

If her friend was such a 'class act', then I'm glad things didn't work out.

 

One of the benefits of having a wing man, is that he can distract the potentially rude friend while you get to know the one you're interested in. You can also wait until she is sitting alone, and approach her then. Try to avoid cheesy pick-up lines, unless you make a joke out of using them.

 

I tended bar for years, and I noticed that the friend who gets rude also tends to be the one who has not been getting hit on. Does jealousy cause her to be rude? Possibly. I've also known women who are just rude for no reason.

 

In the future, you could try buying a couple of drinks, and talk to both girls with slightly more focus on the one you're interested in. OR A good server can sometimes be just the ice breaker you need. Have your server take them a round of drinks (the server will likely know what they're drinking), and you should get smile and nod as a thank you (a sign that your approaching might be welcome, but not a guarantee). No smile or nod, don't bother approaching them.

 

Unfortunately, in all of the bars I worked in, playing the game is almost a requirement. Sad, but true.

 

 

I had a wingman, a couple, actually. And we're usually more than happy to be each others' wingmen. It's a none issue. But sometimes we get caught up talking to one woman or another, so we end up approaching separately.

 

We always look out for one another. But my wingman on the night in question was busy talking to another woman, while two other friends went to the bar to get drinks, and I decided to give it a go without "playing the game". I was interested, she seemed interested, so I stayed behind and went to talk to her.

 

In hindsight, her nasty friend was dressed like she was planning on taking a guy home, while the other one was better looking and more approachable; she was also dressed more casually. I think the friend was jealous that she dressed up so provocatively and still couldn't get someone to approach her. She also appeared unapproachable in general as she walked around with a sour face. Perhaps it was a combination of a nasty personality and jealousy.

 

Whatever. No skin off my nose.

 

One thing we can improve on is to perhaps take turns being the wingman. Then it's more focused.

 

Like you said, it's sad that adults have to play these silly games.