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Men who pursue me are never single


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Hello all,

 

Just thought I'd share my experience. At 32 years of age I am still looked at as [a potential affair partner]. Most men who have tried to pursue me are either married, taken, or already involved with someone. I can't wrap my mind around why I am attracting these type of men. I am very reserved, I dress modestly, and have a lot of respect for myself.

 

I feel disgusted and wonder what am I doing wrong. The last man I dated did not tell me he was married and I cut him off instantly. When he was aware that I knew, he said, "So what when am I going to see you again" I broke down. Am I worth anything to men? It hurts soooo bad that I am still going through this at my age.

 

I am very much alone because of this and have severe trust issues. Life just seems unfair sometimes.. Why do these men choose decent, respectable women to cheat on their SO with. Why damage these women.. I just dont understand and I feel so disgusted with myself

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healing light

What was your parental situation like growing up? Did your father cheat a lot on your mother or vice versa? I believe these types of situations that keep happening again and again when you're not consciously choosing them come from deeply rooted subconscious conditioning that tends to mirror those unresolved beliefs or patterns in the form of sleezebag men.

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My parents were happily married until My dad died in 2014 he was 73. No issues in that department. I try to treat others the way I would want to be treated and still get screwed. This has been a thing in my adult life. Like I said Idk what Im doing wrong.. maybe its time to act like a bitch and demand what i want. Being nice doesnt seem to work these days

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Coming from a man.....most men are dirtbags.

 

I'd be more inclined to think its the circumstances more than you however internalizing it is easy.

 

Your age, the type of crowds, geographical location, etc. all have a bearing on the type of guys you will meet and I'm suspecting the married with kids type are the ones your more often associating with ergo, unhappily married dirtbags looking for easy scores because they are bored at home is likely the going culture for 30 somethings.

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Is it possible that you are missing more subtle signals from single men and only pick up on the more overt signs of interest from taken guys?

 

Do you do an internet search for the men when you 1st start dating them? It's not everything but you can usually ascertain if they are married.

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Coming from a man.....most men are dirtbags.

 

I'd be more inclined to think its the circumstances more than you however internalizing it is easy.

 

Your age, the type of crowds, geographical location, etc. all have a bearing on the type of guys you will meet and I'm suspecting the married with kids type are the ones your more often associating with ergo, unhappily married dirtbags looking for easy scores because they are bored at home is likely the going culture for 30 somethings.

 

You know what, I do believe its the location.. I moved here 8 years ago and its been hell. I was treated way differently when I used to live up north. I usually do my research and is able to leave the situation before anything starts so its not like im screwing all these married men.

 

It was my last encounter I screwed up.. didn't ask the right questions and assumed this man was respectable because he's a police officer. I found out days after we became intimate through a simple task that he was married with kids.. I cried my eyes out. I wasnt given the choice.. Some women are okay with that.. I'm not.

 

On top of that he continued to harass me and send dirty pictures.. Had to block him on my phone. Im not an easy score. I failed one time and I continue to beat myself up about it. I guess I have to be FBI every time I meet someone.. its sad

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Is it possible that you are missing more subtle signals from single men and only pick up on the more overt signs of interest from taken guys?

 

Do you do an internet search for the men when you 1st start dating them? It's not everything but you can usually ascertain if they are married.

 

I usually do and the one time I didnt I learned the hard way as mentioned in previous comment.

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I understand completely. I mostly find myself with married/attached men chasing me, and it's been that way all my life with very few who were available. I now live in a small town and the situation is ongoing. It's location... scarcity of single men... I didn't get married young like all my friends did. Don't know how old you are but after a certain age this problem becomes worse and there are less and less singles to choose from. I don't ask for, encourage that kind of attention, either. I sympathize. It does a number on you even though it's not your fault. You start to question yourself.

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One perspective is men are the pursuers and women are the choosers. Married men have the safety and social power and freedom of the ring. If they have a wandering eye, regardless of whether they actually have affairs or not, they are exercising their freedom to be who they really are. The woman chooses.

 

Something to watch for is degree. Married men can come on strong with little risk. How the woman perceives the approach, compared to that of a single man, can influence the processing and comparison.

 

I noticed the power of the ring while married in the past. Prior, few to no single women ever hit on me. Zero would be closer to the truth. After getting married, boom. Go figure. Bust my nuts getting rejected for 20 years, go on dates that go nowhere with women looking down their nose at me, then get married and all of a sudden a change? ;)

 

IMO, keep firm boundaries and look for those single guys. They're out there, maybe not as obvious but around. It'll work out.

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I sympathize. It does a number on you even though it's not your fault. You start to question yourself.

 

I’m 32 :/

 

I agree it's definitely going to get worse. Recently I was told to not focus on what I don't want because those things will manifest. Strangely enough the one thing I despise and refuse to do is commit adultery.. Yet married men flock to me.. Maybe my friend was on to something. I think it has something to do with the laws of attraction. Hmmm

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One perspective is men are the pursuers and women are the choosers. Married men have the safety and social power and freedom of the ring. If they have a wandering eye, regardless of whether they actually have affairs or not, they are exercising their freedom to be who they really are. The woman chooses.

 

Something to watch for is degree. Married men can come on strong with little risk. How the woman perceives the approach, compared to that of a single man, can influence the processing and comparison.

 

I noticed the power of the ring while married in the past. Prior, few to no single women ever hit on me. Zero would be closer to the truth. After getting married, boom. Go figure. Bust my nuts getting rejected for 20 years, go on dates that go nowhere with women looking down their nose at me, then get married and all of a sudden a change? ;)

 

IMO, keep firm boundaries and look for those single guys. They're out there, maybe not as obvious but around. It'll work out.

 

 

This is deep.... Wow

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Im not an easy score. I failed one time and I continue to beat myself up about it. I guess I have to be FBI every time I meet someone.. its sad

 

Why are you beating yourself up?

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Maybe it’s the type of guys you go after ? I mean you said police officer well most cops typically get hit on and most cops from what I hear are players because I’ve seem it first hand

 

But anyways maybe your focused on certain types that get a lot of attention ?

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Hello all,

 

Just thought I'd share my experience. At 32 years of age I am still looked at as [a potential affair partner]. Most men who have tried to pursue me are either married, taken, or already involved with someone. I can't wrap my mind around why I am attracting these type of men. I am very reserved, I dress modestly, and have a lot of respect for myself.

 

I feel disgusted and wonder what am I doing wrong. The last man I dated did not tell me he was married and I cut him off instantly. When he was aware that I knew, he said, "So what when am I going to see you again" I broke down. Am I worth anything to men? It hurts soooo bad that I am still going through this at my age.

 

I am very much alone because of this and have severe trust issues. Life just seems unfair sometimes.. Why do these men choose decent, respectable women to cheat on their SO with. Why damage these women.. I just dont understand and I feel so disgusted with myself

 

Are we twins? The same exact thing happens to me! I'm 32 as well, reserved, dress conservatively, etc. The only men who seem to approach me are married men. Obviously I've dated single men as well but those always end in disaster. It's the married men who always seem to like me and actually pursue me. Sometimes I wonder if I give off a vibe, but how could that possibly be? It's very frustrating and at times I feel like I'm destined to be 'the other woman' because that's what I attract.

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Are we twins? The same exact thing happens to me! I'm 32 as well, reserved, dress conservatively, etc. The only men who seem to approach me are married men. Obviously I've dated single men as well but those always end in disaster. It's the married men who always seem to like me and actually pursue me. Sometimes I wonder if I give off a vibe, but how could that possibly be? It's very frustrating and at times I feel like I'm destined to be 'the other woman' because that's what I attract.

 

:laugh: This is peculiar. I too am reserved, and dress conservatively as does the OP. Maybe they see us as more level headed and less likely to be bunny boilers if they do manage to catch us and then toss us aside.

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I noticed the power of the ring while married in the past. Prior, few to no single women ever hit on me. Zero would be closer to the truth. After getting married, boom. Go figure. Bust my nuts getting rejected for 20 years, go on dates that go nowhere with women looking down their nose at me, then get married and all of a sudden a change? ;)

 

 

This is true for both sexes. I've always attracted the most attention when I was in a relationship. There's a theory that says we seem like we have more potential as partners if people see we are already capable of sustaining a relationship.

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:laugh: This is peculiar. I too am reserved, and dress conservatively as does the OP. Maybe they see us as more level headed and less likely to be bunny boilers if they do manage to catch us and then toss us aside.

 

Haha, maybe? I have always been attracted to older men (not old enough to be my father but always older than me) so maybe that has something to do with it as well?

 

Perhaps, subconsciously, the "forbidden" aspect of it is enticing?

 

I don't know. But it's something that's starting to bother me. It's not that I don't like single men, but they never seem to like me back.

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Only married men hit on me. I think it’s a self confidence thing and they really have nothing to lose and someone secure at home waiting for them.

 

I live in a big city, I dress stylish but not slutty, have a good job and am very social.

 

Are most men just dirtbags?

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littleblackheart

I'm a single mum, I don't particularly care about my appearence or dress in any specifically fashionable way, I only put fresh water on my face (no makeup), I'm not gossipey, I think I'm smiley but I'm not sure I give a specifically approacheable vibe (nor do I want to, frankly) yet none of this seems to stop married fathers on the playgound from trying it on.

 

I just shrug it off as desperation (not getting what they want at home), or looking for an ego-boost. It's hugely cringe-worthy as they seem oblivious to the embarrassment they are causing themselves or their wives, but maybe they think any single woman is fair game.

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maybe they think any single woman is fair game.

 

I think this is true. And maybe there's something of misogyny in it where single women are still looked at as being 'fair game' because they haven't 'proven their worth' as 'good women' to society because no man has put a man put a ring on their finger. Married women at large are treated with more respect.

 

I've worked a lot with men and I can tell you there's still some bias where if you're not married or attached they automatically think there must be something wrong with you... that you must sleep around a lot, because they can't conceive of you being single AND a good, decent person, especially if you're attractive. So they all make advances thinking it's almost certain they can get some on the side from you if they want it.

 

Women are suspicious of single women too, especially if they don't know you... always worried you'll steal their man when their backs are turned.Being a woman is just.... tough.

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littleblackheart
I think this is true. And maybe there's something of misogyny in it where single women are still looked at as being 'fair game' because they haven't 'proven their worth' as 'good women' to society because no man has put a man put a ring on their finger. Married women at large are treated with more respect.

 

I've worked a lot with men and I can tell you there's still some bias where if you're not married or attached they automatically think there must be something wrong with you... that you must sleep around a lot, because they can't conceive of you being single AND a good, decent person, especially if you're attractive. So they all make advances thinking it's almost certain they can get some on the side from you if they want it.

 

Women are suspicious of single women too, especially if they don't know you... always worried you'll steal their man when their backs are turned.Being a woman is just.... tough.

 

Maybe it's residual misogyny. I see it as a normal human response mostly, especially if they've been married a while and want to see if they still 'have it'. I don't really know they are looking for something concrete out of it (apart from an ego stroke) but it's a little bit depressing that a single woman would still be considered relatively easy prey by default.

 

You still need to keep your wall way up high and your boundaries in check, which is tedious, but times are changing so maybe people will become less judgey and more open-minded in time.

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You know what, I do believe its the location.. I moved here 8 years ago and its been hell. I was treated way differently when I used to live up north. I usually do my research and is able to leave the situation before anything starts so its not like im screwing all these married men.

 

It was my last encounter I screwed up.. didn't ask the right questions and assumed this man was respectable because he's a police officer. I found out days after we became intimate through a simple task that he was married with kids.. I cried my eyes out. I wasnt given the choice.. Some women are okay with that.. I'm not.

 

On top of that he continued to harass me and send dirty pictures.. Had to block him on my phone. Im not an easy score. I failed one time and I continue to beat myself up about it. I guess I have to be FBI every time I meet someone.. its sad

 

umm...cops are sort of notorious for being cheaters. Not all married cops cheat of course, but enough of them do so that they have a reputation for it.

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You know what, I do believe its the location.. I moved here 8 years ago and its been hell. I was treated way differently when I used to live up north. I usually do my research and is able to leave the situation before anything starts so its not like im screwing all these married men.

 

It was my last encounter I screwed up.. didn't ask the right questions and assumed this man was respectable because he's a police officer. I found out days after we became intimate through a simple task that he was married with kids.. I cried my eyes out. I wasnt given the choice.. Some women are okay with that.. I'm not.

 

On top of that he continued to harass me and send dirty pictures.. Had to block him on my phone. Im not an easy score. I failed one time and I continue to beat myself up about it. I guess I have to be FBI every time I meet someone.. its sad

 

 

This type of thing makes me so angry. He assumes that because he has no ethics, you won't either...or he knows you have ethics and lies so he can get what he wants, never mind what it does to you or how it makes you feel.

 

There should be a special sort of punishment for men/women like that.

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:laugh: This is peculiar. I too am reserved, and dress conservatively as does the OP. Maybe they see us as more level headed and less likely to be bunny boilers if they do manage to catch us and then toss us aside.

 

Could be they see you as more of a challenge?

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