Tango89 Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 First time poster and any and all advice/perspective shared is genuinely appreciated... Met a girl through work who was dating another guy at the time. Let's call her "J". From a personality perspective we clicked almost immediately, similar sense of humor and I have to admit to noticing personality parallels in most scorpio's I meet, I'm one myself. She eventually broke up with the guy she was dating, I made a move initially but it was clear she was not looking to date to in the immediate and did not..fast forward a few months and we are talking/flirting... Around that same time we go out with a group of her and my friends and her best friend came onto me really aggressively. I was drunk and eventually ran with it and hooked up with her friend. We chalked it up to just being drunk and the relationship between the two girls seemed unchanged... In honesty, the same thing occurred again on her friend's birthday less than a month later...I went out to hang out with J, this girl that I have this amazing intellectual connection with and her friend is all over me...we hook up and somehow J ends up in bed with us but nothing really happens...Next time I see her I come clean to the best friend that while I think shes a beautiful girl and fun to be around my interest is in J.. From there I pursue J but feel like I'm stuck in this friend zone and probably get too comfortable feeling like I will work out of it eventually and be with this person... A few weeks ago she calls me to hang out, "I want to see your face, I miss you, etc" I go to meet up with her and while we are hanging out she calls and invites over a friend/acquaintance of mine she met recently through our group of friends and they end up going home together. I was honestly surprised by how much it stung the next day and I realized I like this girl more than I admitted to myself. Its been a few weeks now they hang out casually but the odd thing is that she talks to me, wants to hang out, she recently called me a night after hanging out with him and was all lovey dovey in tone on the phone, "I want to see you, I want you to meet my friends and family" etc.... I have no idea how to navigate this situation... 1) I sadly feel like maybe a window closed and regret decisions made under the influence of alcohol...At the same time I'm confused in that if she ever had feelings for me, which I feel very confident she did, why would her best friend hit on me multiple times without causing any friction in their relationship? 2) I don't know how I feel about pursuing a girl who smashed or is smashing a homie...She wants to hang out with me on the side and that feels all kinda wrong but I feel like it would be unfair to give her an ultimatum of, stop seeing this guy if you want to talk/hang out again... 3) The double standard is clear as day to me although something I'm not sure how to gauge is that she pursued a friend of mine vs her friend pursuing me... I've been stuck in my head about this lately and would appreciate any and all comments...Different perspectives on topics is very important to me Thank you Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 It's all legal and life isn't fair. Do what you feel is right for you and, seriously, who cares about other people. Time limited, mortal, fallible. Here's an old guy tip about women: They can have double-standards, be hypocrites, lie through their teeth, treat you horribly, sleep with your best friend, whatever. They know another guy will want to have sex with them anyway, and they just might let him and play with him for awhile and even let him enrich them if he's of a mind to. That's life! That doesn't mean it happens all the time everywhere, rather to accept that it can. Once that is out of the way, things get a lot more fun. Link to post Share on other sites
somanymistakes Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 I'm not even sure what double standard you're talking about. Are you talking about your OWN double standard, because you feel like she should date you even though you slept with her friend, but you feel weird about dating her now that she slept with your friend? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Yosemite Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 (edited) Come on dude, you did the exact same thing to her (twice)…now you know how it feels. What do you expect? You really think you can hook up with your crush’s friend in front of her face and have everything be fine? At the same time I'm confused in that if she ever had feelings for me, which I feel very confident she did, why would her best friend hit on me multiple times without causing any friction in their relationship? Was that your goal, to ruin their friendship? Is your friendship ruined with your guy friend who’s seeing her now? Probably not. Why do you expect anything different between her and her friend? If she had feelings for you, she wouldn’t have rejected you. The double standard is clear as day to me although something I'm not sure how to gauge is that she pursued a friend of mine vs her friend pursuing me... At least you can admit that you have a double standard. If she had any feelings for you, it wouldn’t matter to her whether her friend hit on you or you hit on her friend. The end result is the same, you went home with her that night. And you did it twice. Nothing else matters. Edited February 20, 2018 by Yosemite Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tango89 Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 Thanks to those responded, always nice to get hit with a bucket of reality and I sincerely mean it.. I have to agree with everything posted, it is definitely my personal double standard for the poster who asked and to the other I am certainly getting a taste of my own medicine. I think I am trying to give myself an out by falling back on the fact that her friend pursued me vs her pursuing a friend of mine...and feel bad there was an opportunity to lock her down and I made a mistake, twice, drunken or not... Ultimately, I do care for her more than just on an attraction level but just as human being/friend... I guess what prompted me to post was A) get hit with that bucket of reality I mentioned above and B) Where should I go from here? If anywhere? I'd like to tell her that her hooking up with my friend hurt me more than I realized and how it must have felt the same way when I did the same...At the same time I certainly do not want to pressure her or make her feel like she needs to stop seeing my friend to keep on talking/hanging out with me..but..the idea that she still wants to hang out and talk on a regular basis just feels bizarre...no idea what to make of it... At the moment I think I let the two of them enjoy and develop whatever they may have/create..if they go separate ways than make a move and hope for the best and respect what happens Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 I don't think she likes you romantically. I think now that you're having sex with her friend, she feels she can just relax and be friends without worrying about it. I could be wrong. I mean, she has turned you down once. If a woman has ANY romantic interest in you, they are not going to turn you down when you ask them out or confess feelings or whatever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tango89 Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 Thanks...I tried to edit a comment but that's outside the allowed terms... As far as originally make a move, I'd like to retract that comment...not to say you are wrong..but in reality it was more so she broke up with the old bf, I gave her space and then reengaged her a month or so later and we started talking/flirting..I can't honestly say I put my feelings on the table and said lets do this thing... However, I think you make a great point...once I hooked up with her friend the window may have closed at that point and she took the mindset you mentioned...That's not really the sense I got, but, could be wrong.. Lastly, sex with her friend was completely spontaneous both times, we never met up or really talked much past those nights...not trying to absolve myself of anything just providing the details 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 If she has no romantic interest in you, then all of this makes perfect sense. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tango89 Posted February 20, 2018 Author Share Posted February 20, 2018 Ya..makes sense Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted February 20, 2018 Share Posted February 20, 2018 Not just window closed. Door closed. If she was interested in you, she must have been disappointed that you ruined it (thereby closing the door) by sleeping with her friend. It doesn't matter that it was her friend who came on to you. The simple fact remains you cannot undo what happened. It's forever tainted. You ought to know that. That's why you're just friends now. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tango89 Posted February 21, 2018 Author Share Posted February 21, 2018 Thanks for the input, I understand your point of view...you're most likely right...I feel horrible about it but I gotta live, learn and move on Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 She suffered through you doing that to her (twice) and she acted unphased. She expects you to act the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 She eventually broke up with the guy she was dating, I made a move initially but it was clear she was not looking to date to in the immediate and did not.. I have to question if your "move" was clear enough. You two had already been just friends before, are you sure you made it clear that you wanted more at that point? Or was it just asking to hang out like a friend would? Or like you already were doing before? Just asking, because most people are NOT direct when it comes to asking someone they already know out. Also, I'm guessing she wanted a little bit of time alone to heal and process after her breakup. I know it's difficult to ask someone to wait for you but that is where I think her head was. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Tango89 Posted February 22, 2018 Author Share Posted February 22, 2018 (edited) To address the comment above....In making a move, I was not nearly as assertive as I normally am or should have been...I knew she needed space and at the time we were just starting to get to know each other and I didn't value our connection to the same extent that I would down the line... So I facetime'd with her a night ago and talked for about an hour I basically told her that I was surprised by how much it stung to see her call me to hang out only to call a friend of mine for the purposes of hooking up and that as I thought about how I felt I realized how hypocritical it was of me to feel anything given what I had put it through...I mentioned that I'm not sure if she felt exactly how I felt but if she felt, 1/5th, a percentage of what I felt that I feel horrible, I apologize profusely and I honestly can't make sense why she still talks with me w/ such regularity... During that she commented, "Ya, doesn't feel good does it?" I continued to apologize, explain that I don't have any feelings for her friend, that we don't talk, don't click and its slightly if not really uncomfortable to hang out with her group of friends because the second we sit down her best friend has her hand up my leg, literally... At the very end she asked if we were good, which took me by surprise and I emphatically asked if she was okay with me, she said yes the conversation drifted to a conclusion.... More than anything it felt really good to get my feelings off my chest. I feel like I'm firmly planted in the friend zone and quite frankly, I should be. Even still, I feel and know there was a connection between the two of us once and I plan to stay positive that in being a good friend to her, giving her time and space that maybe one day we can revisit taking the next step. What a life lesson.... Edited February 22, 2018 by Tango89 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 22, 2018 Share Posted February 22, 2018 Good you two were honest with each other and talked it out. Whatever happens, there will be less resentment. Link to post Share on other sites
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