nospam99 Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 I'm only looking for opinions here because I don't think anyone can give someone else 'advice' on this question. I already had a long monologue with myself about this and I'm NOT going to repeat the whole thing, just the Cliff Notes. It's only been a couple of weeks. It started when she Yes'ed me on OLD (equivalent of 'swipe right'). We've only seen each other in person twice, third time planned for today. That's the 'only' part. I don't know what's in her mind. I can only report the way she acts. We have a greater degree of common goals and values that any other woman I've ever met to the extent that one of the things we laugh about is discovering the next value that we share. We also have strongly congruent (great word that I love to use) values about how to live our lives. So what is love? When do I (or anyone) know that I love her? That I'm 'in love' (something different) with her? That she is a woman I love enough that .... I'm not afraid to say 'I love you' because I'm not sure it's true, that it's not just my pair of gonads calling out to hers (not a meme I made up myself, just one I heard a lifetime ago that stuck with me)? BTW, I haven't said 'I love you' yet. Neither has she. We are both intellectual and cautious enough that when we speak of relationships we abstract to third parties, friends or our own previous relationships. I can even say that I love my ex-wife .... like a wayward sister, like family. I love my family: my mom, my kids, my uncle, aunt, and cousins. That love is caring about them, enjoying being with them, being willing and happy to be able to be there for them when they need someone. As much as I love family, there is a hierarchy. For example, I love my kids way more than I love my cousins or my ex. So when (again looking for opinions) will I know that I love this woman I'm dating enough to not fear to tell her? I have already said enough 'other words' and she's perceptive enough that she has to know that I'm VERY 'fond' of her. I 'feel' more 'in love' with her than all but two previous women in my life. But that could just be that she is in my life NOW. And the two previous are not 'more', rather 'just as much'. Is it something as simple as waiting? That there is some threshold of time since we first met or time we have spent together over the course of our relationship? I think it's obvious that I am at least infatuated, the gonad thing for sure. And I'm obviously very happy to be this optimistic. For now we have both said we want to keep seeing each other, to give ourselves time to talk, talk, and talk while doing the many fun recreational activities that we both enjoy in common. I remain afraid to be sure of my own feeling and to 'say the words' (reference to the David Bowie/Jennifer Connolly movie, Labyrinth). At least I'll keep enjoying the ride. And FWIW, I've been dumped enough times to be a bit afraid that my feelings are not reciprocated and too love-blind to see any signs that a dumping may be coming. The relationship is new enough that I'm still on that 'initial high'. Link to post Share on other sites
Chilli Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Hey nos. Haha l knew it , remember what l told ya ! Anyway , the love thing , yep. Tis one nice feeling that is for sure, like an understatement. Well , my 2 cents , been lucky enough to be in love twice in this life and l knew it right away both, few days, even before. From there it just keeps growing until one of you finally burst and out it comes. Could be a few weeks or a few months. But really you've gotta see her more yet, give it a few weeks, see how it goes,or maybe someone bursts haha Good luck man and l hope it keeps on coming for you guys. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Amanda Marshall said it best in her song 'If I didn't have you'. I'd give up my sight just to see you I'd beg, I would borrow and steal I'd cut off my hands just to touch you And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow There's nothing that I wouldn't do 'Cause I wouldn't want to be me If I didn't have you To me love is not infatuation, it's a much deeper connection and it's a connection that requires me to know the person for a few months. Anything else like butterflies and infatuation is fluff, not the real thing. I know I am in love when I am ready to put my life on the line for him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 To me, real love is when the rose coloured glasses have come off, when the butterflies and excitement have settled back down, when you've seen them at their best and worst and when they are a person who adds to your life and makes you feel good about who you are. This is when we're talking love. In my experience, it's not before six months together. That said, I have declared love while still under the magic of infatuation 2 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 Vary rare for myself but my sign is, in that twilight period between unconsciousness and the brain kicking in to start the day, thoughts and feelings focus on one person. If there's no love in my life, that period is a blank. I'm not talking about love for friends or family, rather a more elemental love like when I was married. I trust everyone has their sign. That's mine. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 13, 2018 Share Posted February 13, 2018 (edited) when the thought of seeing their face makes the world a brighter place, when their smile is not a memory you would want to erase, when you realise that they arent perfect ,but you just dont care, you know you will miss them as soon as they aren't there, you would take a bullet for them rather than see them in pain, when someone gossips about them you stand up time and again when you would rather face storms by their side than paradise on earth without, you see all their potential just how much they are worth and what they're all about, you would go to hell for them just to bring them back, you see them bright and beautiful and not how much they lack love is a many splendored thing such a bright and beautiful place, feels like home where the one you loves smile can never be erased...... deborah Edited February 13, 2018 by todreaminblue 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CrazyKatLady Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Wow--sorry, I have to say this real quick--great lines Deborah! And everyone else here that posted-great thread as well... Ok...so, there is no definitive timeline for love. And, you only live once, so make the most of it. If you are still afraid because of situations in your past, then maybe you need more time to focus on this lady--I would think real love would drive out all your old demons and you would only see the person you love...that's what I think. Love is stronger than your past. If you have lingering feelings from past relationships and are carrying them with you into your new relationship--maybe it isn't time to say those magic words yet. I wouldn't be scared to say it to Mr. Hellllloooo Gorgeous if I find him just because I had a couple of poor relationships. At least, that is what I am waiting for--someone who is just going to knock the socks right off of my feet and feels the same about me Then again, I'll probably be waiting...awhile! Good luck. At least you are in a position where you have found a great gal to feel for and enjoy moments in life with at this point--maybe it will just keep going up from here. I know for me, I can hardly contain myself when I feel in love. It's the best, isn't it?! Have fun with your new gal! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Wow--sorry, I have to say this real quick--great lines Deborah! And everyone else here that posted-great thread as well... Ok...so, there is no definitive timeline for love. And, you only live once, so make the most of it. If you are still afraid because of situations in your past, then maybe you need more time to focus on this lady--I would think real love would drive out all your old demons and you would only see the person you love...that's what I think. Love is stronger than your past. If you have lingering feelings from past relationships and are carrying them with you into your new relationship--maybe it isn't time to say those magic words yet. I wouldn't be scared to say it to Mr. Hellllloooo Gorgeous if I find him just because I had a couple of poor relationships. At least, that is what I am waiting for--someone who is just going to knock the socks right off of my feet and feels the same about me Then again, I'll probably be waiting...awhile! Good luck. At least you are in a position where you have found a great gal to feel for and enjoy moments in life with at this point--maybe it will just keep going up from here. I know for me, I can hardly contain myself when I feel in love. It's the best, isn't it?! Have fun with your new gal! I would think real love would drive out all your old demons and you would only see the person you love...that's what I think. Love is stronger than your past. this is very true and lovely to read.....reads liKE a true uplifting loveshack signature quote...smilin....deb Link to post Share on other sites
SevenCity Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 In my life, I would say I was in love 3 times. It was the last time that redefined love for me and it was so powerful I was the one who blurted it out first - after a month. It makes me feel like I was only in love once - perhaps I was. It was far beyond butterflies, beyond infatuation, beyond obsession. It was a feeling of having found my soulmate - a spiritual connection. As the years past I never did anything in my life without first thinking how it would affect her. I would die for her, I would kill for her. It was a very intense feeling, one which carried no doubt. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr.Me Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 That moment when you can't remember your life without them, and you can't imagine your future without them either. Once I remember telling a story to a group of people at a party and I realized that the person I loved couldn't have been there like a told it, because it happened years before we actually met. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 Maybe you feel like you're in love with her, but my advice is not to say it after only 2 dates. You can tell her after 2 months of dating. That's totally okay to me, even though I'd sure folks here would disagree. Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 It's not really long-term love until you both mutually want to take care of each other and protect each other and support each other and help each other exist on a day to day basis. It's not love until you reach the point you know he/she is imperfect but you love enough about them to accept it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
gaius Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 I loved her before I even met her in person, but didn't tell her until she was ready to hear it. For me it was just a feeling of utter rightness. Like two puzzle pieces coming together. Hearing her voice, seeing her face, having her next to me in bed, every fiber in my body being in tune with the fact that was what I wanted. Every day I could get. It's what was right. And knowing in the back of my mind that even though it was a crazy online thing, and I was only one half of the equation, that I was going to see it through and do whatever I had to for us to have the chance to be together. That it wasn't even a choice really. Just what had to happen. And that 3 years later, I still feel the same way with the same fire and passion. If anything my love has only grown stronger. Maybe you're angry or hurt from past experiences still, maybe this one isn't for you, but for whatever reason you don't love this woman. You wouldn't have to ask us if you did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nospam99 Posted February 14, 2018 Author Share Posted February 14, 2018 Maybe you're angry or hurt from past experiences still, maybe this one isn't for you, but for whatever reason you don't love this woman. You wouldn't have to ask us if you did. A couple of posts have kind of hinted at this interpretation. Not at all. If a 'hurt from past experiences' is in play, I'm oblivious to it. Just aware that while I believe, I can't be certain (yet) that she is fully reciprocating my feelings. To the (rather small) extent that my head is not in the clouds, I FEEL like I am either already in love with or in the process of falling in love with this woman. My question both to myself and to y'all is how soon do I dare to say so explicitly with some confidence that my big head is not being unduly influenced by my 'little head' and that she won't react with a 'it's too soon to say that' vibe. So thanks all for the various insights. What I'm synthesizing is after waiting no more than two months, I can be 'reasonably safe' from self-delusion or toosoonitis. Given that the feeling appears to be mutual, it remains to be seen if I (or we) can and will hold out that long before one of us blurts. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 14, 2018 Share Posted February 14, 2018 What could you possibly love after knowing her 2 weeks? You don't know who she is yet. You love a shell, it's about it, 2 weeks isn't enough to explore what's inside that shell. You have no clue if she is honest, if she has integrity, if she's trust worthy, if she's understanding, forgiving, passionate, ....to know if she is all that you need to spend time together, a lot of time together. Once you know what's inside that shell of hers then you can talk about love. Link to post Share on other sites
seren Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 Before I met my husband I never, ever thought or believed love at first sight existed, truly never and would argue against it. Then I was working in a bar and I saw this beautiful man, it was an eyes across a crowded room moment and I felt a, oh hello, here you are, moment. Each time I saw him we had a weird recognition moment, a smile and him asking for a beer was as far as it went. I was married and wouldn't take it any further. Over a few month's we got talking and he was dating someone else, we talked at length about this and that, but never acknowledging what we both knew was bubbling away. I left my husband, not for my now husband, other reasons. I was moving back to the UK from Germany, I wished my now H good luck, gave him an engagement card and went back to the UK. 4 months later I get a knock on the door of my Mum's house where I was living and it was him. he had tracked me down, he said he had bought his girlfriend an engagement ring but couldn't give it to her as he knew he loved me. We took it slowly, it just got better and better, I found out, by coincidence that in the 1881 census his gt gt gt uncle lodged with my gt gt gt grandfather, fate or what? and I did;'t believe in that either. We have had our moments, times when he has done things that I hated, yet I could never hate him. he had an affair that almost broke us, but I never stopped loving him nor he me, I hated the affair, I loved him. We have now been together over 34 years and I still get flip flops when I see him, I still love him to bits and he me. I have a chronic disease, he cares for me, but he is still my love. He always will be, he is my view of choice, makes me laugh, the only one who can make me cry, he is my first and last thought of each day. We are super lucky and we know it. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 Amanda Marshall said it best in her song 'If I didn't have you'. I'd give up my sight just to see you I'd beg, I would borrow and steal I'd cut off my hands just to touch you And tear out my heart so you'd know how I feel There's nowhere that I wouldn't follow There's nothing that I wouldn't do 'Cause I wouldn't want to be me If I didn't have you To me love is not infatuation, it's a much deeper connection and it's a connection that requires me to know the person for a few months. Anything else like butterflies and infatuation is fluff, not the real thing. I know I am in love when I am ready to put my life on the line for him. I sincerely doubt that you would maim yourself in order to prove your love, and if your lover let you, he must be cruel psycho Link to post Share on other sites
CptInsano Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 Given that love itself is hard to define, I know it when I can feel her inside of me like a warm glow that is always there, and when I notice myself wanting to spend more time with her. It's less of a state than a transition, feeling myself change and being open to what she brings into my life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 I’d say this in the short term Given that love itself is hard to define, I know it when I can feel her inside of me like a warm glow that is always there, and when I notice myself wanting to spend more time with her. It's less of a state than a transition, feeling myself change and being open to what she brings into my life. And this in the long term It's not really long-term love until you both mutually want to take care of each other and protect each other and support each other and help each other exist on a day to day basis. It's not love until you reach the point you know he/she is imperfect but you love enough about them to accept it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 15, 2018 Share Posted February 15, 2018 I sincerely doubt that you would maim yourself in order to prove your love, and if your lover let you, he must be cruel psycho Darkmoon: It's a song ....It's not meant to be taken literally, Link to post Share on other sites
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