Alone time

[mortensorchid]

I have been known a lot throughout my lifetime as being a loner. Spending time alone is great, I am comfortable with me and I don't mind being by myself. However, I would like to tell others how and why I became a loner, because I can tell you that it was not my choice to do so...

 

1) Childhood - I realize it's rather trite to say things like this to go back to your childhood to trace how and why things are the way they are, but in my case it was very much the case. I am talking about my junior high school years primarily, grades 6-8. My class was divided into cliques like all classes are. Of the girls there were 8 (myself included). There were 4 girls who were, for lack of a better word, "cool" and the ones who were Not. I was ousted from the cool group, but the others in the Not group were so immature at the time we had nothing in common. SO I was really not welcome with either one. They would go off and have their outings, and neither group would ever include me in them because I wasn't "one of them". Now this is junior high school, to be sure, you are NOT AN ADULT when you are that age by any means. But that's when a lot of things about adult relationships begin to form.

 

2) Teenage years - My high school years were ... Awkward. I went to an all girls' school which was also deeply divided into cliques. Long story short, things did not go well with those girls. It's a girls' school so they're bitchy and complaining like all girls tend to be with each other, and that's that. I never fit into a group there so I was a loner once again. When I made efforts with people, they rejected me or found some excuse as to how and why they didn't want to be with me. And ... That was that. College years were good ones in general, but like all things, high school and college being no exception, once it's over you loose contact (save for Facebook nowadays) and that's pretty much that. No love is lost between me and a lot of them, either because the love never existed or because it was weak if that.

 

3) Adult life - I recognize now that adult life is very much like high school as well - with cliques, fall outs, things changing, etc. And that's fine because that's how it is. Not like that will change. But one thing that continues to bother me is this : Say you want to go do something (a museum, play a game / sport, see a play, etc.) and you say to an individual or a small group "Let's go do (blank)". The answers I have always gotten out of others is no, or they blow you off. I have since determined that if it doesn't involve drinking alcohol, people don't want to do it. True, you can incorporate drinking alcohol into anything and everything that you do almost for "fun", but only then will you get others to do things truly. So ... When the answers are always no, what do you do? Go off by yourself and do things.

 

This is why I am a loner at times. I can be my own best friend if I want to be, I am comfortable being by myself. Does this mean that others are always doing things in groups without me? Not necessarily. Does this mean that others are always having fun while I am not? Not by any means. If anything I am having more fun than they are.

 

Problems? Not really any problems but it's the fact that I am comfortable doing things by myself and no one seems to want to join in with it. They'd rather sit at home or something. Anyone else experience things like this?

[nospam99]

Location, location, location. OP, I don't know where you live. I live in a moderately economically depressed area. Nevertheless, there are several social groups, specifically reachable via meetup.com, that very easily facilitate being with like-minded people for just having alcohol-free quiet fun: hiking, museums, sight-seeing, dancing. Sadly, no romance (at least for me after five years). But that doesn't sound like your primary goal for the moment.

[Els]

I very much enjoy doing things alone. You get to pick exactly what you want to do, when you want to do it, how long you want to spend there, what you eat, what you want to see, etc etc. Also, as a strong introvert, having to socialize saps my energy like nothing else. I recognize the value of having friends and, for that reason, I will compromise sometimes for the sake of holding on to friendships - I'll go someplace I don't particularly want to go, or eat at a place I don't particularly like, or meet up at a time that I'm not a fan of (everyone here eats dinner so early!! why?!?!?). But by and large, I need and want both.

 

The only exception to that is the SO. He's uncharacteristically laid-back and will accompany me to places of my choosing at a time of my choosing. He is also the only person who exists within my introversion bubble - spending time with him doesn't sap my energy at all. We also mesh fairly well as far as preferences of location, food, and timing goes (we're both very much night owls). So being with him is like being alone, except better.

 

When he is unable to accompany me though, I frequently go places and do things alone. During my last work trip, I was the only person who actually stayed and traveled around alone after the event was over. Zero regrets.

 

It's a girls' school so they're bitchy and complaining like all girls tend to be with each other, and that's that. I never fit into a group there so I was a loner once agai

 

I suspect this may be a contributing factor to your problem. ALL girls are bitchy and complaining with each other? Really??? Why do you believe that you're the only woman on the face of the planet who isn't "bitchy and complaining"?

 

I went to a girls' school as well. Sure, no shortage of "bitchy" girls. But also plenty of down-to-earth, kind, warm, friendly girls. Made a few of my best friendships there. It's just not possible that literally everyone but you is the problem.

Edited February 11, 2018 by Elswyth

[Happy Lemming]

To OP...

 

Yes, I agree with you about the "cliques" in high school. I didn't fit in either, which was OK with me. For me, I just wanted to get in and out of high school as quickly as possible. I had no desire for extra-curricular clubs or social events. I knew I didn't fit in, so I didn't try to force myself into those "cliques".

 

I ate my lunch at the "misfit" lunch table. All of the individuals that weren't in a cliques ate at that table.

 

You can change your "loner" status and without alcohol. You just need to explore your town or the next town over and find where intellectual singles hang out. I know I've suggested it before, but used book stores, coffee houses, a rotary club, or a volunteer organization?? Are any of these in your area or extended area??

[mortensorchid]

To OP...

 

Yes, I agree with you about the "cliques" in high school. I didn't fit in either, which was OK with me. For me, I just wanted to get in and out of high school as quickly as possible. I had no desire for extra-curricular clubs or social events. I knew I didn't fit in, so I didn't try to force myself into those "cliques".

 

I ate my lunch at the "misfit" lunch table. All of the individuals that weren't in a cliques ate at that table.

 

You can change your "loner" status and without alcohol. You just need to explore your town or the next town over and find where intellectual singles hang out. I know I've suggested it before, but used book stores, coffee houses, a rotary club, or a volunteer organization?? Are any of these in your area or extended area??

 

I do things all the time like volunteering and whatnot, but I never seem to meet anyone in terms of someone to date. I'd like to but it doesn't ... Seem to happen.