29 old, never had girlfriend, love is not for everyone.

[ffar]

Let me tell you something different from what most people says… I will debunk some ideas and face facts.

 

Short story long is that since my first heartbreak at 18 I realized that dating I will be hard. I am not going to describe my childhood and being self-pity but it was nightmare, horror whatever you can call it. I remember back in time to be so devastated about that idea that I might be single forever, that I was even consider escorts. I had psychotherapy, had antidepressants, even contacted psychic and wrote online about my situation and most answer were like:

- Love will find you accidently, don’t look for it,

- Focus on yourself, build carrier,

- Find hobby/passion,

- learn to love/being happy yourself, how can someone love you, if you don’t love yourself?

- etc, etc

 

Now 11 years later, I am still alone. I never actually had girlfriend. I am not virgin, but my sexual experience is worthless, it is almost zero. I would not even count it as experience at all, technically I am just not a virgin.

I am successful in life actually. I have 2 apartments, soon maybe 3, learned to cope with my anxiety disorder, overcome lots of my PTSD, Panic attacks are not so often, depression is not that strong as it used to be, became much more optimistic in almost every situation(but girls), practicing 3 types of martial art, confidence quite big(again - but not girls), good body language(that came automatically with confidence, i did not work on it, i just notice that it changed) things I would never dream of when I was younger.

 

And? 11 years later love did not find me… I hate myself for believing what i was told. It is a lie.

Second thing that I never truly understood, is this “learn to be happy with yourself” If that’s the case what for even you to be in relationship?

 

Well I aged badly, gray hairs, and balding, wrinkles, so even if I was not worse looking man on the planet, my look is won’t help me anymore. Not everyone will find girlfriend, love their life. Suicide though came back actually stronger, and I am loosing strength to cope. Why not I wonder?? It is not because of depression but rather hopelessness.

Edited February 10, 2018 by ffar

[sdraw108]

What steps have you been taking during those 11 years to actively meet girls? Out of what you said, the following stood out as bad advice:

 

"Love will find you accidently, don’t look for it"

 

Yes, you can't force love. But you can certainly increase the number of situations you place yourself in, in which you are more likely to find it.

[ffar]

That was a point. I was told to not pushing, looking harshly. I was open for girls, relationships, but I did not walk on streets like some kind of pua, and asking girls for numbers. If something was happening, I was ending up in friendzone or end up, as someone who never existed id woman mind after some meetings.

 

"Yes, you can't force love. But you can certainly increase the number of situations you place yourself in, in which you are more likely to find it."

Older you get, harder to do it. I am doing decend job on that i believe. Friend meetings, martial art grups, work but adult life where most of people at your age come back to their families is not helping.

 

And one more BS i heard "Age does not matter". Oh yes it does. I can just imagine how person who is telling this, can see his/her 20 year old daughter dating 60 old dude...

Edited February 10, 2018 by ffar

[gecco]

Good to hear that you worked on yourself. I was not a confident child either but I was always stubborn and ambitious so I developped quite well, became confident and successful (although I don't own any appartments like you ).

 

However, I think we both had to realise that all this BS that goes like "become rich and successful and women will love you" is a lie.

 

Sure, it gets you female attention and girls will be attracted to you at first but it won't make them feel affection. And if they don't feel it right away, they will withdraw rather sooner than later. Female psychology is extremely complicated.

 

I have problems "connecting" with people I've just met. What about you? Could you describe your dating experience in those 11 years?

[hotpotato]

I agree with the premise 'll be isn't for everyone.'

 

Some of us are too weird, quirky, or awkward to date.

 

If you feel suicidal, please call someone who can help.

[ffar]

Well not so long time ago actually I became more social outgoing, but I am not party person. I just became some sort of “YES men”(cool movie with Jim Carry). I did not find excuse to isolate myself and stay in my own word. I started talking to people more.

 

If it comes my dating, I was never on real official date. Because I am struggling with fear of rejection and asking out. Funny because I do not have problem with social speeches at all.

 

I don’t have problem to talking with girls, make jokes together. I made them laugh quite often but really something more than that happened(friendzone). Things changes when I would like to ask one of my friends out, then I somehow acting totally different, scared inside, fighting with hallucinations I have in my mind, that whole world will laugh at me because I am thinking I am someone that could have a chance with this girl. Body language change, voice, confidence goes low…

 

I know a girl from work, who slept with almost all guys from department. And I know that’s true, because she was open with that statements, dudes were talking about it and she was fine. Well everyone but me… I was her best male friend actually. We were talking a lot. The point is that I am not feeling bad about not having sex with her, I feel bad that there is really something wrong with me being attractive to woman.

Edited February 11, 2018 by ffar

[kkm994]

In my case women believe am a "player",i cant tell you how many times a female has voiced that opinion of "you look like a player".Now there is already trust issues before the second date(not good).

[gecco]

In my case women believe am a "player",i cant tell you how many times a female has voiced that opinion of "you look like a player".Now there is already trust issues before the second date(not good).

 

THIS! I feel the same way. Actually, this has just happened to me. That girl thought I just wanted to use her for sex. No second date

[gecco]

If it comes my dating, I was never on real official date. Because I am struggling with fear of rejection and asking out. Funny because I do not have problem with social speeches at all.

 

[...]

 

Things changes when I would like to ask one of my friends out, then I somehow acting totally different, scared inside, fighting with hallucinations I have in my mind, that whole world will laugh at me because I am thinking I am someone that could have a chance with this girl. Body language change, voice, confidence goes low…

 

Don't be so concerned with your flaws. I have hair loss, too. I struggled with it in my early twenties, not anymore. You mentioned you had good looks before; I bet you are still attractive.

 

When it comes to asking someone out, I've always thought of it like this: When I ask her out, no matter if she is going to be interested or not, she will be impressed that I did it – because there are not many guys that would do that right away! It makes me feel "cool" somehow and I am always happy when I did it (regardless of the outcome). Nobody would laugh at you! Would you laugh at someone doing it?

Once, there was a girl in my gym who was considered totally hot. A few times, she seemed very friendly, however, more often than not, she had that "bitch shield" (and I am sure it was out of insecurity). I thought it would be fun asking her out, just out of curiosity, to see how she would react. So I wasn't too serious with her. Although she rejected me, it felt great having asked her! I bet she didn't expect that

[Chilli]

First of all . be thankful. why the hell would you even wanna sleep with someone like her and degrade yourself like that . no thanks.

 

But you sound like your very hard on yourself , especially in the achieving thing. Unless you just wanted to achieve , if that's it then good for you you've done amazing but if it's for some other inner thing then l'd slow it right down and start smelling the roses if l was you , while your still young.

You must've been very busy to over the years, that wouldn't of helped at all.

 

The aging thing , you can make changes and look after yourself and offset stuff like that , l've been amazed at the changes l've seen in some people turning that stuff around.

 

With the women , well , not sure but l mean all those things people tell you , your still very young, that can still happen and does all the time. A lot of people don't meet anyone until their 30s or so.

l know it's hard but one thing screams at me right through your post is you need to just relax a bit on the whole thing , on life too actually, stop trying for ahwile and ease up on yourself.

 

Good luck.

[losangelena]

Oh goodness. I read these posts sometimes and they are just gut-wrenching.

 

OP, you're 29 years old. In no universe is that over the hill. Hell, I didn't really date anyone or have sex until I was in my early 30s. Everyone's timeline is different. Now I'm approaching 40 and single again, but not really sweating it. Because, A) I know that my circumstance could change in a moment, and B) If I never "find someone," I know I will have just an enriching as a life as I would if I were coupled—if not more! I am single, free to do as I want, spend my time and money as I want. I don't have to answer to anyone. I hear some of the things my coupled friends have to deal with in their relationships and many times I think, "no thank you; I'd rather be single than deal with that."

 

I wish you would try and shed this mindset that there is something deficient with you because you're a certain age and you haven't had a certain kind of experience. That is a false societal message that you (and many others) need to have deprogrammed. Romantic love, or the pursuit thereof, is not the ultimate human experience. It has zero bearing on your worth as a person.

 

If it's something you want, though, you are going to have to do something to find it. Relationships don't just fall into a person's lap.

[ffar]

Thank you all for respond.

Gecco, I really like your attitude. I would not laugh to anyone, your are right. And I know it is all my imagination/hallucination or whatever. It is irrational fear, sadly irrational fears don’t vanish after logical explanation. I would love to have attitude like you or being able to approach girl on street or town. I remember when some years ago I was on drugs, that almost totally took my anxiety about everything. I don’t take them anymore(I started meditation 1,5 year ago and it helped me more then everything else put together). But still I was not able to approach… I hate that :/ Something must change because I don’t want to be alone forever. But I don’t want to act desperate.

 

Chilli, you missed my point. I would probably refuse this one-night stand anyway but what I was talking about that even for ladies like her, I am friend, not sexualy attractive men. I am coming back with memory I actually knew 3 more girls like that, and the same story. Let’s be honest. I am saying that I could be thankful if I would have choice, there was not.

Maybe I am to hard on myself, yet something is not right that if I am almost 30 and never had a girlfriend, but I was open for it since I remember… And to be honest I don’t know many people who had their first relationship in 30s. Almost everyone I know or knew, had someone since teen if not then 20s. I know however someone who is alone whole life and he is I think 35 now, small men with full of insecurity and lack of self-confidence. Don’t belame him. People can be awful, ane treated him like a garbage. But that’s’ about it. Almost all my friends are married or are(or at least had relationships long-term one).

You are right. I had very busy life, I am coming from very poor family, and my dream was to not end up like them.I also took people advices who were saying to focus on carrier, and archive things and love will find itself. So I did, and no, love did happen to find me. I slowed down already, no rush in anything material anymore.

 

losangelena Well I know everyone has it’s own time. But I don’t buy this explanation as for something like having first sex in 30s or relationship. Unless you are devoted to wait until weeding or are ex-priest.

I was consider this mindset you offer, but then I look deeper intomyself and then I realized that I would only lie myself that I prefer be alone and convincing myself that I am free, like you are saying. I tried but for me this is a lie. Than you anyway.

Edited February 12, 2018 by ffar

[MaleIntuition]

I’ve identified your problem! Or, well. You did. Approach anxiety and fear of rejection.

 

Love will NOT just find you. This is really a terrible advice to give guys. Society expects us to take the active role in asking women out, that means risking rejection.

 

Have you tried dating apps? They are a great source for practising being rejected - if nothing else. You mentioned PUA; If you where to read through some of their stories, you will find some common themes. A normal guy who was insecure around women and “learnt” a bunch of “skills”. Because of these skills he starts to ask women out. In bars. At public transport. And online. He stopped fearing rejection because he switched his mindset: He is practising an “art”. He isn’t failing. And all of a sudden he becomes more successful. Why? Because he started to ask women out. Not because of stupid lines or funny hats.

 

A couple of days ago I asked about confidence in a thread. My current understanding is that you actually don’t need confidence - success is never guaranteed - but you need to be brave enough to ask for her number despite your lack of confidence.

[ffar]

Thanks. I really wanted to avoid all this PUA community. But maybe it is not such a bad idea, to get some help from someone who will help you overcome anxiety approach and fear of rejection.

[EvelynBoymn]

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[JustGettingBy]

I agree with the premise 'll be isn't for everyone.'

 

Some of us are too weird, quirky, or awkward to date.

 

If you feel suicidal, please call someone who can help.

 

I've honestly known some weird, quirky, honest people who've had success in dating. They don't find partners often, but when they find people who are weird, quirky and awkward in the same way as them, you can feel the chemistry from a mile away.