Why is there so much hate from the dumper?

[Young mind]

I'm looking for analysis into this question, as I have searched and usually found nothing, this is not a get my ex back thread, I understand the basic "move on", it only surprises me, comparing to my ex gf and other mates I spoke to, like mine, she dumped you, was in a relationship with someone else, but sill hates the dumpee?,I believe this covers both sexes, but what could be the rationale?, I mean they should be pretty much relieved that the dumpee is finally gone, and the dumpee should be the one cursing their hearts out.

[skywriter]

Young Mind, this is from an older woman's perspective, because this has only been from my experience.

 

The Dumper, uses anger to alleviate their guilt, and rationlise

their reason for being the, said, Dumpee.

 

Now I'm not implying that this particular Dumpee doesn't have any reason to be angry because I don't know.

 

I do, however, understand that anger can make it easier on the person that is attempting to, "move on", to do so.

 

I can also give testimony to the fact as being the Dumped, that the best revenge is , moving on. No begging, attempting to make contact, get closure, etc.

 

In my experience, giving the Dumper what they want, was actually of benefit to the Dumpee. Being me of course.

 

Best wishes to you.

[Zoolander]

When you dump someone, I guess it's easier to get over it by being angry than by being remorseful and allowing yourself to feel upset and guilty and what was. I've never broken up with someone so i can't speak from personal experience but only what my friends have said

[central]

Perhaps the dumper feels wronged by the person they dumped, and if not for that, would have been happy to stay. That would only apply when the dumpee has done something awful, like cheating. In other cases, I think the above posters are correct.

[sdraw108]

In my experience, the following is a fairly typical course of events:

 

1. At some point the dumper starts to have doubts about the relationship but doesn't express them properly (or at all) because they're still not sure, and bringing it up will cause a lot of tension that they want to avoid. During this period the loss of interest builds up with little or no signs to the dumpee.
   
2. After a while, the build up of loss of interest leads to the point where arguments happen more often and escalate more quickly. At this point the dumpee knows the relationship is having problems but probably doesn't suspect that the dumper is building up to a break up.
   
3. Finally the dumper's interest levels plummet to the point that they initiate the breakup. For the dumpers who are devoid of morals, they may even be in the beginning stages of seeing someone new.
   
4. When the break up happens, the dumper is way further moved on than the dumpee, for whom the break up is often a big shock. The dumpee works hard to convince the dumper not to break up, which ends up annoying the dumper because they've made up their mind, and all the convincing is just a lot of hassle that they now have to deal with. Particularly if they are with someone new.
   

It's the imbalance of love and feelings between the two parties that enables to the dumper to be a lot colder and heartless than the dumpee. Sadly, many people forget that both parties are still human beings and you should treat other people with respect and account for their feelings, regardless of whether or not they are your ex. Also, many people lack the strength of character and maturity to approach the other person honestly when they are in stage 1 above.

[gone_girl]

I'm not sure what happened with your ex, but as a woman the times I left it was mostly because I was taken for granted. I felt I wasn't treated like a woman of value. I wasn't visibly angry though, I just stopped caring. But I did carry out a certain bitterness for some time, because I knew in my heart that I let my self settle for less than I deserved.

[CptInsano]

Most of my relationships didn't break apart in anger, actually only one of them. Even though I was technically the dumpee I had given up, unable to figure out how that relationship work. She was indeed angry, but it didn't affect me, as I had already written off the whole thing.

 

I never broke up with somebody in anger, just the grim determination to do what is inevitable.

[d0nnivain]

if the dumpee did something to force the dumper's hand, that could explain the anger.

 

Anger usually covers up hurt. It's a self preservation thing.

 

Sometimes anger develops when the dumpee doesn't take it's over well & begs, pleads, chases & generally makes a pest of themselves.

[Jj66]

I am always the dumper. I am cold and callous in the process because it's the only way I can maintain my resolve in doing something emotionally difficult that I would rather not be doing. If there is any anger it's because I am being child-like. I am angry that she wasn't meeting my needs. I am angry that it didn't work out. I am angry at myself for letting things go beyond the point of repair.

[basil67]

*Hate* is a strong word. I wouldn't say that I've seen much in the way of unwarranted hate towards a dumpee.

 

The hate I have seen is usually connected to domestic abuse. Otherwise, it's normally in the realms of simply having moved on with perhaps a grumble or two about the ex if pressed for an answer.

[callmegm]

My last ex got mad at me for dating my then-boyfriend 4 months after the ex dumped me. Three years later and then-boyfriend has become my now-husband - and my ex still refuses to acknowledge it. We're friends still - at least sort of - mostly because we were such good friends before we dated so it was just easy for me to slip back into that - even though it was really the most painful break-up that I went through.

 

Maybe because he was divorced and I was his first and only longterm girlfriend after his ex-wife, he still thinks at some point I'd get divorced? He still think that my now-husband is a rebound but... I've had my rebounds - I've dated around before meeting my now-husband.

 

My now-husband thinks my ex regrets dumping me, and maybe I agree, and maybe that's why I'm okay with our friendship fading away now.

 

He dumped me, he does not have the right to be unhappy with whom I'm happy with.

[Chilli]

I am always the dumper. I am cold and callous in the process because it's the only way I can maintain my resolve in doing something emotionally difficult that I would rather not be doing. If there is any anger it's because I am being child-like. I am angry that she wasn't meeting my needs. I am angry that it didn't work out. I am angry at myself for letting things go beyond the point of repair.

 

 

Always the dumper eh, yaknow there must be something in all that. Sounds like it's happened a lot.

 

Like your just choosing the totally wrong women to start with over and over , and letting something start when it shouldn't have even began in the first place or gone anywhere.

[Logo]

Some commentators have already touched in the subject and provided a good answer. I think to feel better and alleviate the guilt, dumpers get angry so as to rationalize in their minds the validity and decision to break up with that person. It’s not a good or healthy or fair defense mechanism, buts it’s a mechanism nonetheless.

 

Otherwise, the guilt the dumper may feel after the breakup can be consuming and can become unhealthy.

[hotpotato]

I'm pretty sure they still have beef from the relationship.

 

This may seem baffling to the dumped who has been heartbroken and left. Your dumper may very well be mad at you. They may feel they were driven to break up with the dumpee for whatever reason.

[preraph]

Well, I mean, you break up because you've decided you don't LIKE the person anymore or that they are useless for anything long-term. So why wouldn't an ex hate you? There were problems that didn't get resolved. So there will be resentment and disgust and some people hang on while others just don't ever want anything to do with you again.

[thefooloftheyear]

There are many people. that when they throw something in the trash or put it at the curb they don't just toss it, they deliberately destroy it...They want to justify throwing it out in the first place, and don't want someone to stop and pick it up and potentially make use of it...It's a psychological release to know that whatever you leave behind is now considered worthless...

 

I don't really think it's all that much different, in many cases...Especially when there wasn't some issue like infidelity or abuse, and the dumper is just looking to better deal the dumpee...

 

TFY