LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > General > General Relationship Discussion

Letís talk about confidence


General Relationship Discussion Everything else under the sun. Not sure where to post? This is the place!

Like Tree33Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 9th February 2018, 11:28 AM   #1
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 97
Letís talk about confidence

ďThe fundamental cause of trouble is that in the modern world the stupid are cocksure while the intelligent are full of doubtĒ

There are a number of different versions of the above quote, but in essence it captures the paradox of the Dunning-Kruger effect: The illusory superiority of people of lower ability and their inability to recognise their own limitations.

In the context of dating, confidence is very often mentioned as a desired trait - especially for men. And so is intelligence.

However, confidence is often just tossed out there. Without proper context. Yet, confidence - according to my understanding - must relate to an ability in order to have meaning. As in, confident to repeatedly achieve a desired outcome. Only highly narcissistic individuals will believe that they can perform well in everything, in other words; be confident in all areas.

I highly doubt that those whom are looking for confident men want stupidity and/or narcissism. What Iím trying to figure out is how, concretely, confidence manifest. Or more specifically which actions or behaviours are perceived as confident? Or, Is it perhaps something else entirely thatís desired?

tl/dr: What is confidence?
MaleIntuition is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2018, 11:49 AM   #2
Established Member
 
d0nnivain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Northeastern USA
Posts: 26,966
As a woman in the dating context I would say that at a minimum a confident man is someone who can articulate the Q to arrange the date in a clear voice with a purpose:

Would you like to meet me at the corner bistro on Wednesday at 7 pm for a drink?

It gives specifics. There's little humming, & uhmmming, or stuttering or hesitation.

It's a man who knows there are plenty of fish in the sea & simply because 1 woman declined his invitation her decision is not a condemnation of his entire existence.
d0nnivain is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2018, 11:57 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Gaeta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 15,197
To me a man acting confident in the dating field is a man that trust a relationship should come easily and if it doesn't work with tonight's date then the next lady may be the one. It's a man that trust he has good qualities to offer and does not compare himself to others. He knows he may not be the tallest, strongest, smartest but he trusts the qualities he does possess would make a happy relationship.

Confidence has nothing to do with bragging, talking loud, and constantly looking for a challenge. An introvert quiet man can be very confident. It's a vibe coming out of him that women can pick on.
__________________
'' The Biggest Coward Is A Man Who Awakens A Woman's Love With No Intention Of Loving Her '' - Bob Marley
Gaeta is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2018, 12:19 PM   #4
Established Member
 
CptInsano's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: South of Lake Erie
Posts: 1,590
Confidence in this context does not relate to the competence that Dunning-Kruger described. That's a separate animal.

In dating the confidence is simply the willingness to take a calculated risk. You know that whether you get rejected or not the sun will rise tomorrow, and that you have the life you have created for yourself. It's about knowing who you are and not second-guessing things you either cannot know or control, or know so well that it's counterproductive to question them.

I think of it as having the courage to be direct and honest about what you want and communicating it well, knowing that this calculated risk exists.
__________________
"The Durango-95 purred away real horrorshow." - Alex
CptInsano is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2018, 12:40 PM   #5
Established Member
 
GorillaTheater's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Texas
Posts: 9,619
Quote:
Originally Posted by CptInsano View Post
Confidence in this context does not relate to the competence that Dunning-Kruger described. That's a separate animal.

In dating the confidence is simply the willingness to take a calculated risk. You know that whether you get rejected or not the sun will rise tomorrow, and that you have the life you have created for yourself. It's about knowing who you are and not second-guessing things you either cannot know or control, or know so well that it's counterproductive to question them.

I think of it as having the courage to be direct and honest about what you want and communicating it well, knowing that this calculated risk exists.

Exactly right, and I'd phrase it this way:


It may or may not be actual confidence (the surety of achieving a desired outcome) as much as it's a significant degree of detachment from the outcome.
GorillaTheater is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2018, 1:08 PM   #6
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: United States
Posts: 4,855
Confidence is the feeling that there isn't anything here you can't handle.

Ever notice how confident guys roll in fearlessly. It is because they expect the woman to like him (and other guys to respect him) and if not, it's still fine! He can handle whatever tests the woman or other dudes throw his way.

This also shows up later during the relationship--putting his cards out on the table unapologetically ect

It's the opposite for guys who are not confident. They have their physical guard up and come across nervous because they are so concerned whether they can handle rejection, tests, other guys, ect
__________________
You'll thank me for saying that later.
Imajerk17 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2018, 1:25 PM   #7
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 47,482
Journal Entries: 39
I'm always curious why women are never mentioned when confidence rolls into the room. What is a confident woman?

Does she roll in fearlessly? Own the room? Clear and direct? Handles rejection without notice or complaint? Is she emotionally disconnected from any outcome expectations?

Then again, if confidence only applies to men, cool, go with that.
carhill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2018, 1:33 PM   #8
Established Member
 
CptInsano's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: South of Lake Erie
Posts: 1,590
Quote:
Originally Posted by carhill View Post
I'm always curious why women are never mentioned when confidence rolls into the room. What is a confident woman?

Does she roll in fearlessly? Own the room? Clear and direct? Handles rejection without notice or complaint? Is she emotionally disconnected from any outcome expectations?

Then again, if confidence only applies to men, cool, go with that.
No, it doesn't only apply to men. Part of the confidence is being able to take an active role in selecting somebody, rather than being selected. And yes, some women absolutely don't want to be passive and will approach men very directly. Personally I don't mind in the slightest.

From what I've seen, despite all that talk about letting men hunt, they are successful with it.
CptInsano is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2018, 1:41 PM   #9
Established Member
 
Cookiesandough's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 5,242
I see it as surety in one's thoughts, actions, beliefs. I think way too much to ever be 100% sure or confident about anything.
Cookiesandough is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2018, 1:42 PM   #10
Established Member
 
thefooloftheyear's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 9,798
As those in competitive athletics are often say....

"act like you have been there before"...

TFY
__________________
"don't fear the baddest or strongest.....fear the one that never gives up"
thefooloftheyear is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2018, 2:24 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Posts: 97
Quote:
Originally Posted by GorillaTheater View Post
Exactly right, and I'd phrase it this way:


It may or may not be actual confidence (the surety of achieving a desired outcome) as much as it's a significant degree of detachment from the outcome.
This one is interesting. Not caring about the outcome (multiple posters have mentioned this) should indeed have a positive effect on the perceived confidence. But thatís perhaps better described as indifference, is it not?

And is it even possible to not care about the outcome simultaneously as you develop true feelings for someone? Or what happens when you start to care?
MaleIntuition is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2018, 2:29 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Cookiesandough's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 5,242
A confident person wouldn't be like "I don't care" but more like "I know I have this in the bag"
Cookiesandough is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2018, 2:31 PM   #13
Established Member
 
CptInsano's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: South of Lake Erie
Posts: 1,590
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaleIntuition View Post
This one is interesting. Not caring about the outcome (multiple posters have mentioned this) should indeed have a positive effect on the perceived confidence. But thatís perhaps better described as indifference, is it not?

And is it even possible to not care about the outcome simultaneously as you develop true feelings for someone? Or what happens when you start to care?
Have you ever played golf or shot trap? It's not about the score, it's about getting the swing just right, isolating it from everything else around you and blocking any thoughts about the score. It's about achieving near-perfect form in sports, in life it's becoming who you want to be, not about reaching one particular goal.
CptInsano is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2018, 2:35 PM   #14
Established Member
 
Cookiesandough's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: USA
Posts: 5,242
Quote:
Originally Posted by MaleIntuition View Post
This one is interesting. Not caring about the outcome (multiple posters have mentioned this) should indeed have a positive effect on the perceived confidence. But that’s perhaps better described as indifference, is it not?

And is it even possible to not care about the outcome simultaneously as you develop true feelings for someone? Or what happens when you start to care?
It is interesting to me too. I have to say I do a lot of feigning confidence. That 'fake it 'til you make it' stuff. And it is all about detaching yourself from the outcome and not caring. It's not actually that I have confidence it myself, it just looks that way because I don't care if I mess up. The problem is that I detach myself so much that I don't even think it's possible for me to develop true feelings in this mode. I'm not being vulerable or my "real self." Once I start to care it all goes down the drain and I become a mess again, stumbling, stuttering, and tripping everywhere.

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 9th February 2018 at 2:39 PM..
Cookiesandough is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th February 2018, 2:43 PM   #15
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 47,482
Journal Entries: 39
Rewinding to a different time not that long ago, some ladies gathered together to discuss confidence:

Confidence girls, confidence...

Note how open they are about the challenges and successes and the willingness to show a bit of vulnerability. I thought they showed a lot of confidence. Fast forward to a climate where vulnerability and honesty is pounced upon and beaten down. I deal with it every day here in my other job. Can we talk about confidence in that vein or is that period over?
carhill is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How do I gain more confidence to talk to women? markdhanu In Search Of... 7 25th March 2016 12:52 PM
No confidence to even talk to her. SamENG In Search Of... 3 18th August 2014 11:22 AM
How to handle her emotions, talk to her, drugs, self confidence issues.... Jim046 General Relationship Discussion 15 5th April 2013 8:13 AM
How can I talk myself out of fear and have more confidence? Lucky555 Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being 7 13th June 2011 11:18 PM
Confidence girls, confidence... lovestruck234 Self-Improvement and Personal Well-Being 25 30th August 2006 7:54 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 3:16 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.