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Thinking of agreeing to having a "lover"


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Old 7th February 2018, 4:52 PM   #1
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Thinking of agreeing to having a "lover"

So I met someone ba few weeks ago at lunch when a friend brought a coworker. This guy and I hit it off, dominated the conversation, lots of jokes. He FB friended me. We had another group lunch, it was supposed to be the two of us but the mutual friend unintentionally crashed. We finally got together last week the two of us for lunch, kissed. Great chemistry. Lots of texting between. Saw each other again yesterday.

He's 31, 4 years younger. No kids or ever married. He is 8 months out of a 4 yr relationship, has dated since. His ex was physically abusive too. He "could see himself falling for me". But is busy with his work right now and doesn't feel he has time for a relationship. He was ok with being friends if I am. But he suggested being lovers as an alternative. Exclusive for health reasons and not seeking others but if I found someone who was ready for what he wasn't he'd pull away. I struggle with this because while I like the idea, I am a busy single mom with my own career to work at, and he says other women wouldn't be in the picture, I know talk is cheap and this is triggering feelings I had while in my affair that it was just sex and not being an open priority. It's just different reasons this time.

He said if we had no relationship outside the bedroom he wasn't interested and would rather just be friends. (Not possible imo as the attraction is too strong). So it's not just sex, some connection has to be there. But he hasn't been assertive in setting up times to see each other. Maybe it's too soon for me to want that? Especially from just a "lover"? Im into him. He seems into me and says so. Maybe I'm still not truly available myself if I'm considering this? But then wouldn't it be good match of two eu people? Part of me feels like I'd be letting myself down not holding out for a true relationship especially since that was motivation for divorce and ending affair. But I could have fun for a little bit since we are both single right? Going back and forth the past few days and he'll follow my lead. Don't want to give too many mixed signals. Thoughts?

ETA we were going to get together this weekend and sex was implied, I suggested an alternative activity that let it known I wasn't rejecting him and there's opportunity for other physical connection. Think movie at halfway location instead of Netflix and chill at his place. He hasn't replied. I think that might be TOO outside the bedroom? I think he sees us having sex once a month and lunch every other week or so.

I hope bluespower will offer his male pov here, even though I think I know what it would be.

Last edited by norudder; 7th February 2018 at 6:15 PM..
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Old 7th February 2018, 7:18 PM   #2
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To assist, how would you define the difference between a boyfriend and a lover for you?

Reading, seemed like a bunch of parameters, sexual exclusivity being one of them.

Myself, presuming all parties are verifiably single and STD-clear, I'd just progress things without a lot of detailed negotiations and, if it felt 'loving', cool, go with that. If not, no harm no foul. Humans can change their minds at any time for any reason or no reason at all and it's completely outside our control so take the moment go with it and whatever happens tomorrow will get here soon enough.
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Old 7th February 2018, 9:12 PM   #3
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I think if you are this divided on it, it’s not worth it. It has a propensity to become too emotionally messy just for some sex and a facade of intimacy. I understand how this kind of thing appeals to a person coming out of a divorce. But it’s really not worth it most of the time. Although maybe it’s one of those must live to learn things

Last edited by Cookiesandough; 7th February 2018 at 9:18 PM..
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Old 7th February 2018, 11:33 PM   #4
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I like how you put it, "facade of intimacy".. Negotiations and labels and limitations and all that stuff aside, I don't care so much about, it's the real intimacy I want, whatever form that takes and that's what I'm not sure if he can offer, if the emotional maturity has happened. Like I read in another post, not many people spend a significant amount of time educating themselves about healthy relationships and how to be ready for one and seek one.
I do tend to overanalyze. I will try to be open to seeing how it goes and try to enjoy it until it doesn't work for one or the other. Even if it ends up being me.
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:02 AM   #5
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Well thanks, I don't know why though...

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Originally Posted by norudder View Post
I hope bluespower will offer his male pov here, even though I think I know what it would be.
Well thanks, I don't know why though...but I will try.

First off, you list all of his "assets" as if you want to date him.

Right there is your answer. You are thinking more, when, based on all of the conversations that you two had were about FWB, maybe light dating.

So right there you are on the wrong path, and a path that most likely leads to you getting hurt because you want to believe it "will be" or "want it to be" more than it is. (Sound familiar?)

So those are a couple of observations right there.

Next observation, so a guy that wants to get laid once a month and not see anyone else. Babe, that is just about asexual. He is lying about that. He has at least a couple of other women that he is sleeping with, minimum.

Now, if you use a condom, and if you can keep yourself in check emotionally, cool, get laid. But can you???

I am thinking that your affair kind of proved that you have issues with that.

And how long have you been divorced and out of the affair?

You better pass on this guy. He is a player, which is OK, but be honest about it.

And he is not interested in a movie honey, he wants to get laid.
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:28 AM   #6
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I think he sees us having sex once a month and lunch every other week or so.
That's not a friend or lover - it's a bootycall. And probably one of several he'd have working simultaneously.

Quote:
Originally Posted by norudder View Post
Exclusive for health reasons and not seeking others
Uh huh, he's going to sleep with you once a month and forsake all other women. For health reasons ...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:38 AM   #7
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This is such a classic case of a guy wanting all the benefits of a relationship without doing any of the work. He wants to do stuff "outside the bedroom" (a.k.a., dates), and wants to have condom-less, "exclusive" sex, but he's "too busy" with work to "have a real relationship." Riiiiight. But instead of doing "friend" things, he's already putting on the full court press and wanting to Netflix and chill over at your place? To quote Whoopi Goldberg from "Ghost," you in danger, girl.

Sleep with him if you want, but treat him like the piece of meat he is. Don't let him spend the night; keep contact to a minimum outside of planning meet-ups; make him wear a condom, for chrissakes. No offense, but you don't not sound like you'd be cool with this guy being a pseudo-boyfriend. Hold out until you find someone who can give you what you really want on that front. Don't play pretend with this dude. Prioritize your own wants and needs ahead of what this man's "small brain" wants.

I'd be willing to put money on the suspicion that he will disappear immediately, or soon after y'all have sex (if you do).
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Old 8th February 2018, 10:40 AM   #8
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Thanks for the perspectives

Blues, because you're a pretty straight shooter and from your posts seem to know the mind of a "player".

Mr Lucky, thanks you are always very insightful with regard to the big picture.

I've been officially divorced over 2 years, haven't been physically or romantically involved with anyone in over a year.

I have no delusions of what is on offer here. I think it's kind of funny that he wants the pretenses of pseudo relationship instead of calling a spade a spade, he didn't like it when I tried being blunt about it. He looks like he walked out of SEAL team or special forces poster, I wouldn't mind one night. If I decide to hookup up with him, that's exactly what it will be and all it will be. Then I can keep looking for the combination I eventually want.
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Old 8th February 2018, 11:35 AM   #9
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I would also like to remind you that entering into any kind of FWB situation means YOU have a say in it as well.

This sounds like the guy wants things on HIS terms while you wait around for his Bat-Signal to know when you're getting some. Give me a break.

I would agree with both BP and Losangelena. This guy sounds like a bit of a player with his own agenda that he's not being completely transparent about. The probability of his losing interest after getting you to bed is also very high.

If you think you can handle him and what he's offering, go for it but don't be surprised if he turns out to be less than expected.



Good luck.
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Old 8th February 2018, 11:48 AM   #10
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Could I please...

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Originally Posted by norudder View Post
Blues, because you're a pretty straight shooter and from your posts seem to know the mind of a "player".
Could I please...for the record say that:

1) I am not that way anymore, and

2) I was always honest, not that women did not get hurt, which I regret, but I was straight with all of them.

And 3) I am in a great relationship with a wonderful woman and I plan on staying that way.

Just saying...
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:40 PM   #11
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Sorry Blues

Of course I didn't mean to imply that is who you are, just that you have a lot of experience. Very happy for you and your gf
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Old 9th February 2018, 9:20 AM   #12
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To be honest, it doesn't really matter all that much about what his intentions are, this is about you and what you want. He's being relatively clear about what to expect here so at least he's not really leading you on.

My advise on this is to skip. Mainly because of how you worded your OP. It reads like you want to date him and you're hoping something will eventually develop out of it. Plus, how would you have the time or emotional capacity to be looking out for the real deal while you have this kind of set up going on?

I understand the appeal - I've been there. Some attention is better than none and the cards are on the table so both parties understand what is going on more or less (even if he isn't exclusive like he claims he would be). But this isn't what you actually want. I'd hold out for the real thing and be honest with yourself about what you really want. It may mean a longer dry spell, but I think it would be worth it. Take it from someone who hasn't waited in the past. Ultimately, it'll feel like you're being used for sex and that isn't a very nice feeling at all.
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Old 9th February 2018, 11:11 AM   #13
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No sweat...

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Of course I didn't mean to imply that is who you are, just that you have a lot of experience. Very happy for you and your gf

No sweat...
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Old 9th February 2018, 11:16 AM   #14
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All good

Went out with him last night and had great conversation and (protected) sex. Absolutely worth it even if we don't see each other ever again.
I accepted what the reality was and was at peace with it, freed me to just enjoy the moment. I realize what place he is in and it wouldn't be a match, I won't pursue and am not disappointed.
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Old 9th February 2018, 11:18 AM   #15
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Thumbs up Good for you...

Quote:
Originally Posted by norudder View Post
Went out with him last night and had great conversation and (protected) sex. Absolutely worth it even if we don't see each other ever again.
I accepted what the reality was and was at peace with it, freed me to just enjoy the moment. I realize what place he is in and it wouldn't be a match, I won't pursue and am not disappointed.

Good for you... all of that sounds very healthy.
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