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Great relationship.. Mediocre sex.


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Old 30th January 2018, 10:20 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by LilySun View Post
I don't like the thought of talking to him about this because I don't want to give the wrong idea that he's not good in bed. How well he performs isn't the problem.
Don't talk to him... tell him what he is going to do to you.
(Night 1) Turn you over, pull your hair and plow you like there is no tomorrow.
(Night 2) Reverse cow-girl him like you want to break the bed.
(Night 3) Naked night, no clothes the entire evening (ending in his choice of position)
(Night 4) Toys, bring some in and let him watch

I could go on and on, but you get the picture, don't talk... just do.

You might discover he has a little kink he's been hiding and it may be exactly what you need. You never know unless you act!!
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Old 31st January 2018, 9:08 AM   #32
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Yes that is where my dilemma lies. We get along so well and have all the same interests, he treats me good, and people say we look great together. That by itself is hard to find. So to run just because it's not hot sweaty sex.. Seems silly. If I keep chasing after the fairy tale of a perfect package, I'll never find it. But I do wish there was more passion between us in the bedroom.

I can't place it all on level of attraction either because in the past I've passionate sex with men who I wouldn't consider the best looking. I'm having trouble understanding why this is missing for us when everything else is so good. I don't like the thought of talking to him about this because I don't want to give the wrong idea that he's not good in bed. How well he performs isn't the problem.
Sexual chemistry doesn't have much to do with bedroom techniques. It's all psychological: How you flirt together, sarcastic jokes with sexual tension underneath, the way he looks into your eyes and makes you focus on him and him only.

I've had boyfriends where the relationship was all passion. Once you start to have sex the physical technique is good to have but the talking and eye contact are what get you hot. You CANNOT teach a man to act this way. Unfortunately, men who know how to do this have high sex drives and are more apt to cheat.

You have to decide what is the most important to your life. What need must be satisfied most for your survival. You won't get everything on your husband wish list but you can get the top priority stuff.
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Old 31st January 2018, 10:22 AM   #33
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Yes that is where my dilemma lies. We get along so well and have all the same interests, he treats me good, and people say we look great together. That by itself is hard to find. So to run just because it's not hot sweaty sex.. Seems silly. If I keep chasing after the fairy tale of a perfect package, I'll never find it. But I do wish there was more passion between us in the bedroom.

I can't place it all on level of attraction either because in the past I've passionate sex with men who I wouldn't consider the best looking. I'm having trouble understanding why this is missing for us when everything else is so good. I don't like the thought of talking to him about this because I don't want to give the wrong idea that he's not good in bed. How well he performs isn't the problem.
I got a question.

Your title says the sex is mediocre.

Then you say the sex is not hot sweaty.

To me that's 2 different issues. Mediocre means the sex is bad as in it leaves you unsatisfied. You can have very satisfying and fulfilling sex without it being wild and sweaty. So what is your problem exactly? The sex is bad, or the sex is great and you just want it more wild?
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Old 31st January 2018, 11:25 AM   #34
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I got a question.

Your title says the sex is mediocre.

Then you say the sex is not hot sweaty.

To me that's 2 different issues. Mediocre means the sex is bad as in it leaves you unsatisfied. You can have very satisfying and fulfilling sex without it being wild and sweaty. So what is your problem exactly? The sex is bad, or the sex is great and you just want it more wild?
She said they are not hot for each other. That's why the sex feels mediocre.

Lily, I think I couldn't go forward in the relationship if I felt the way you are feeling. Having been in a very long term relationship (18 years) where I was not as attracted to my husband as I wish I had been, I would never put myself in that situation again. It didn't get better with time. I was best friends with him, we had lots in common, and he was handsome when he was younger (he gained a lot of weight during the relationship and ended up with a huge belly, with a strong family history of heart disease and obesity, diabetes, etc. so not great for so many reasons). If sex isn't that important to you, it may be okay, but if it is...
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Old 31st January 2018, 1:45 PM   #35
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OP said, "Honestly not sure. He could stand to be a bit more aggressive maybe. I will try telling him that. I really don't want to be more aggressive myself but maybe I should try."

It appears that you are not willing to do that which you want your boyfriend to do, that is to suddenly develop a strong passion in the bedroom. My question is: if your boyfriend did suddenly approach you with unbridled passion, would you be able to respond in kind? If not then I suspect that would be the last time he would exhibit such passion. Don’t forget that for your passionate/jerk boyfriends such action was part of their repertoire and came naturally, but for your boyfriend he must work at it.

This whole #meto campaign is not helpful to women of your ilk.
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Old 31st January 2018, 4:50 PM   #36
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OP said, "Honestly not sure. He could stand to be a bit more aggressive maybe. I will try telling him that. I really don't want to be more aggressive myself but maybe I should try."

It appears that you are not willing to do that which you want your boyfriend to do, that is to suddenly develop a strong passion in the bedroom. My question is: if your boyfriend did suddenly approach you with unbridled passion, would you be able to respond in kind? If not then I suspect that would be the last time he would exhibit such passion. Don’t forget that for your passionate/jerk boyfriends such action was part of their repertoire and came naturally, but for your boyfriend he must work at it.

This whole #meto campaign is not helpful to women of your ilk.


The me too campaign is about consent and power differentials and a host of other related issues, NOT being dominant or passive in the bedroom. She is allowed to take a passive role in sex if that is what she is most comfortable with. She is trying to decide how she feels about the guy.

What do you mean by “women of your ilk?”
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Old 31st January 2018, 5:12 PM   #37
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"women of her ilk" means single women who want their new boyfriends to approach sex with more passion. My son told me that there are young men who are now concerned with their aggressive approach to women in the past and some have asked past girlfriends and acquaintances if everything is "cool" between them.
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Old 31st January 2018, 5:42 PM   #38
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talk to him and give him a chance.

most guys are not mind readers.

I am not a mind reader. show him what you want.
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Old 31st January 2018, 8:04 PM   #39
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Was this the guy who was going to rape and kill you in his cabin according to all the posters in your prior thread?

I have to laugh at the irony because everyone said he was going to use you for sex and now that he’s not performing to par he might get dumped. Assuming this is the same dude.

The funny thing about sex is, time wise, it only represents a very small fraction of the relationship. However, the intimacy created (or not created) can have rippling effects.

You have to decide how important it is to you. This issue is why I got divorced.
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Old 31st January 2018, 9:09 PM   #40
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@LilySun, I don't think you ever said how long you've been dating this guy. How many times would you say you've had sex with him?

If it's less than, say, 10, you're still figuring things out, and should hold back on any huge judgments or conclusions. More than 10, less than 25: you're already developing a clear picture, and it's safe to conclude: not great. Above that, you are actively committed to a relationship lacking sexual fire, and it's time to decide whether that's a dealbreaker.

* Of course I'm just tossing out pretty arbitrary numbers here. Obviously it's not hard math.

I think another important question is whether you think HE might feel equally disappointed by the mediocre sex. If he believes things are going great, that's a problem. But if he's in the position as you, you have two people battling "bleh" chemistry who can either 1) learn to live with that compromised outcome, 2) actively work to try to spice things up, via direct communication.
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Old 31st January 2018, 11:23 PM   #41
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Mediocre to me means its in between so its not bad but its also not great. Climax isnt an issue its what comes before that, its just not very passionate. We started talkinh and met almost a year ago. Really got to together a couple months ago. Sex started around 1 month ago and I dont know how many times, probably 10 times or so.

Maybe its is his personality, because he is very laid back and shy sometimes. He isnt the type that tries to act sexy, in fact I have wondered if sex is really just not that important to him. Because he always wants to see me and make future plans (like we have summer plans already) and he has said he is ready for a lifetime relationship. Its as though sex is low on his priority list.

But how much does sex even matter when you are old and crippled anyway? We take good care of each other (like if we are sick or what not...we have both been sick in yhe last few weeks. I realize these kind of things in the end are more important in the long term.

I am far from dumping him at this point as someone said.I like him very much and I dont like the thought of ending it over this. So perhaps its something I just need to live with and appreciate more.
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Old 1st February 2018, 11:20 AM   #42
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Was this the guy who was going to rape and kill you in his cabin according to all the posters in your prior thread?.
I would assume it's not the same man. The man in her last thread was a stranger she met, this guy here she's known for 2,5 years.

I'm sure curious to know what happened with the cabin-guy.
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Old 1st February 2018, 11:42 AM   #43
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Nevermind. Sorry.
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Old 5th February 2018, 3:08 AM   #44
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I don't know what a person would do in this situation...when I am attracted to a man it is always because he stimulates my mind in some way or he did/said something bold to garner my attention...so I am not so much occupied with the physical contact, as I am preoccupied with the nonphysical aspects of intimacy...once he has my time and attention, the physical component is always just the icing on the cake for me.
You could grab some adult toys, role-play, watch naughty videos together or make your own...have foreplay that starts outside of the bedroom, like a designated weekly/monthly date night so that the anticipation builds...talk dirty once in a while to each other...
Maybe I am a bit of a narcissist or something, but thinking of ways to turn my partner on gets the mood going in my head too...take some time to maybe think of dirty things to do with your partner...if he/she isn't really doing it for you physically, then switch over to the mental side and create a fantasy that gets you hot and bothered again with that person...have fun!
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Old 5th February 2018, 7:19 AM   #45
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Not sure I understand. Sounds like he is not that interested either? BOTH of you kind of look at each other in bed and its like "well ok I guess".

My view is this - sex rarely gets better as the relationship goes onward. Add marriage and kids - and take 50% off what you have now.

Whether sex or non sexual compatibility - there are minimums for a LTR.

Keep looking. Sorry he does sound like a nice guy.
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Last edited by dichotomy; 5th February 2018 at 7:22 AM..
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