Jump to content

Relationship mental-load anyone?


Recommended Posts

I am trying to remember how early in my relationship I started this. It hit me again a couple of nights ago when my BF said to me *You forgot to remind me to pay my phone bill*. - *sigh* I have become my partner personal organizer. Again.

 

I first volunteer to take care of things, then I slowly take over, I organize everything and then BOOM it hits me I am overloaded and feel I have to remember and organize everything for the both of us!

 

I am 52, is it because of my generation or younger women do it as well? I am saying *women* because most of mental overload are on women but if you are a man and suffering from mental-load (or not) please drop in.

Link to post
Share on other sites

When DH & I first met he characterized himself as organized & financially savvy. I always said I was scatter-brained & a financial dummy. I zeroed my check book to $1,000 as built-in overdraft protection before you could look up your balance on line because I still don't know how to balance a check book. Still I'm the one who has to remind him to do things that he repeatedly agreed would be his domain.

 

I think it's a an organized / not organized thing & somebody has to fill any power vacuum

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You touch it, you own it. If you keep reminding him, he will eventually expect it. It's not a generational thing, just humans being creatures of habit. I like to do my own thing if I remember something, then my phone reminds me, and then the gf calls about it on top of it all, I get somewhat annoyed.

 

Or in other words, if you mother him by volunteering to take on tasks that are his own there will be consequences.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
if you are a man and suffering from mental-load (or not) please drop in.

Yarp. I do most of the "mental load" like finances, taxes, remembering things, organising, utilities, etc. I wouldn't say I'm suffering though, I don't mind at all.

 

It's quite infuriating to see all the posts and articles about "mental load" that assume all men are jerks and all women need to break free. In fact I regard many of those articles as quite sexist.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Or in other words, if you mother him by volunteering to take on tasks that are his own there will be consequences.

 

Sometimes when he has to reply to emails for his work and courses and I see him struggle with the keyboard I do ask him if he wants me to type his message so now it has almost become the norm that I type all his correspondence. He's very articulate and well educated but he has a hard time with keyboards. Then from typing his email correspondence it became even typing his text back to his boss. When he gets a message from his boss he'll hand me his phone and ask that I type back a message for him.

 

Does that fall in the mothering category?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Yarp. I do most of the "mental load" like finances, taxes, remembering things, organising, utilities, etc. I wouldn't say I'm suffering though, I don't mind at all.

 

It's quite infuriating to see all the posts and articles about "mental load" that assume all men are jerks and all women need to break free. In fact I regard many of those articles as quite sexist.

 

If I think quick I can't really identify a man that takes over the mental load of the relationship. I know they exist though!

 

Do you in a way *father* your GF/wife?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Sometimes when he has to reply to emails for his work and courses and I see him struggle with the keyboard I do ask him if he wants me to type his message so now it has almost become the norm that I type all his correspondence. He's very articulate and well educated but he has a hard time with keyboards. Then from typing his email correspondence it became even typing his text back to his boss. When he gets a message from his boss he'll hand me his phone and ask that I type back a message for him.

 

Does that fall in the mothering category?

 

Not just usual mother, but overbearing mother.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Not just usual mother, but overbearing mother.

 

Overbearing? How am I overbearing if he's seeking my help? It's not like I am taking it out of his hands.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Do you in a way *father* your GF/wife?

No not at all. I do things I'm good at (organising) and she does things she's good at (cooking and ironing). I'd call it teamwork.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease

This is going to sound cut and dried and I guess it is, but I'm pretty independent and don't get involved in helping organize someone else's life ever. And don't want them to do that for me, either. Come to think of it my kids are the same way and so was my ex.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
No not at all. I do things I'm good at (organising) and she does things she's good at (cooking and ironing). I'd call it teamwork.

 

I am good at cooking and ironing, I am also good organizing and at finance cause it's my profession. Fixing the toilet is about the only thing left for him to take over ;)

Link to post
Share on other sites

Hum,

 

I do the majority of the bill paying, plus the taxes etc. I am a project manager by profession, so yes, keeping matters organized like that is up my alley.

 

Plus we have been together all of adulthood, our finances and taxes etc were always an "us" (not mine and yours) thing.

 

As for doing things for him, I think the one that bothers me is setting his alarm clock! (we have an old dual alarm, I set mine and his every night).

 

He is slow at a key board compared to me, but I would not type for him, no no no. He is a big boy, he can do his own emails.

 

Fixing the toilet? If it has to do with the tank, I got that too (ahh I will pass on the dirty work).

 

I actually get offended when he tries to step in while I am fixing a lamp, or working on my car, or some other project around the house. He is welcome to help me with the yard work - but sometimes I really enjoy tinkering and fixing things.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
When DH & I first met he characterized himself as organized & financially savvy. I always said I was scatter-brained & a financial dummy. I zeroed my check book to $1,000 as built-in overdraft protection before you could look up your balance on line because I still don't know how to balance a check book. Still I'm the one who has to remind him to do things that he repeatedly agreed would be his domain.

 

I think it's a an organized / not organized thing & somebody has to fill any power vacuum

 

It's the same for us. My husband is the organizer and the financial decision maker. Not because of gender but because of personality. I let him do it, because he's better at it.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I do the majority of the "mental load" in our relationship, for sure. When he was living separately for work for a while in the past, he regularly ran out of toothpaste, soap, toilet paper... :lmao: He had just gotten so used to me remembering all that stuff.

 

I don't generally find it to be a burden, though, for two reasons: 1) It is never an expectation that I manage his personal stuff, even though I sometimes offer to help, and 2) he takes up the reins in other areas like driving or anything that requires physical strength, so it balances out for us.

 

If this isn't a role exchange that you want to sign up for, you should certainly stop doing it IMO.

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
He's very articulate and well educated but he has a hard time with keyboards. Then from typing his email correspondence it became even typing his text back to his boss. When he gets a message from his boss he'll hand me his phone and ask that I type back a message for him.

 

Does that fall in the mothering category?

 

Every one of my teenagers has tried this approach to their chores, I call it "conscious incompetence". Their goal is to complete the task while looking so helpless and inept that you feel compelled to step in and take over.

 

You've fallen for this scam, hook, line and sinker. Is this really the role you want in this - or any other - relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 3
Link to post
Share on other sites

To be honest the email thing really does sound more like a helicopter parent than anything. It would be one thing if you were a great writer and he just wanted your advice, but actually having you write them?

 

I am absolutely the planner in our relationship. I love planning, and happily coordinate our work/social calendars, but it ends there. My husband would never ask me about a task or a bill (we have everything on autopay anyway). He does, however, ask "are we doing anything on X date?" all the time. Hello! We have an adorably color coordinated Google calendar for a reason!

 

I handle weekday cooking, cleaning, and house shopping; he does weekend cooking, the backyard and outdoors, home construction, and social events. The important part is it works for us. If you feel overwhelmed or like he isn't doing his fair share, you need to sit down and discuss it. Things won't change unless you both commit to making a difference.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
Sometimes when he has to reply to emails for his work and courses and I see him struggle with the keyboard I do ask him if he wants me to type his message so now it has almost become the norm that I type all his correspondence. He's very articulate and well educated but he has a hard time with keyboards. Then from typing his email correspondence it became even typing his text back to his boss. When he gets a message from his boss he'll hand me his phone and ask that I type back a message for him.

 

Does that fall in the mothering category?

 

Yes, indeed it does to me. He behaves like a teenager in this regard, using real or feigned incompetence to make you do his work. It is not that hard to learn how to type.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Every one of my teenagers has tried this approach to their chores, I call it "conscious incompetence". Their goal is to complete the task while looking so helpless and inept that you feel compelled to step in and take over.

 

You've fallen for this scam, hook, line and sinker. Is this really the role you want in this - or any other - relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Ah that's what it is !! lol. I don't think it was a scam on his part. He's really bad with anything pc or phone, or even remote controls.

 

I don't take over everything, example I let him iron his clothes and I don't offer my help.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Yes, indeed it does to me. He behaves like a teenager in this regard, using real or feigned incompetence to make you do his work. It is not that hard to learn how to type.

 

I rarely met an teenager (or a kid, for that matter) at this time and age who's worse than myself in using their smartphone keyboards. I can imagine typing up a long passage for an elderly who has trouble using a smartphone.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Ah that's what it is !! lol. I don't think it was a scam on his part. He's really bad with anything pc or phone, or even remote controls.

 

So he doesn't text, email or operate remote-controlled devices during the course of his business day when you're not there? I'd guess he does so quite competently.

 

It's manipulation, pure and simple. Why he'd do it - and why you'd participate - are subjects for consideration...

 

Mr. Lucky

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
scatteredmusician
To be honest the email thing really does sound more like a helicopter parent than anything. It would be one thing if you were a great writer and he just wanted your advice, but actually having you write them?

 

I am absolutely the planner in our relationship. I love planning, and happily coordinate our work/social calendars, but it ends there. My husband would never ask me about a task or a bill (we have everything on autopay anyway). He does, however, ask "are we doing anything on X date?" all the time. Hello! We have an adorably color coordinated Google calendar for a reason!

 

I handle weekday cooking, cleaning, and house shopping; he does weekend cooking, the backyard and outdoors, home construction, and social events. The important part is it works for us. If you feel overwhelmed or like he isn't doing his fair share, you need to sit down and discuss it. Things won't change unless you both commit to making a difference.

I completely agree with the quote and also that he will let you do his work as long as you will do it. If you don't - maybe he gets better at typing? My DH and I do the things we are good at, but don't have expectations of the one doing the other's tasks. We are partners, trying to bring out the best in each other. Best wishes.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
So he doesn't text, email or operate remote-controlled devices during the course of his business day when you're not there? I'd guess he does so quite competently.

 

No he doesn't. Why is it hard to believe? Like I said he's a 50 yo man that works constructions, he doesn't use a computer at work. At night he follows a technical course, again no computers.

 

He knows how to use his computer, he knows the basic, I never said he didn't , what I said is he is really slow at typing. Once I saw him reply to an email and noticed he types 1 letter then look at screen, then type the next letter and look at screen....I said *how about I type if for you* ....

 

It was not a game on his part, it was not a scam, so please stop coming back and telling me he's *quite competent* at typing and he's manipulating me.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

Well, more I think about it more I think there is nothing wrong with me typing something long for him. I am being a helpful and kind girlfriend. Yes it's his task so what? Each time he breaks the ice on my front steps and shovels tons of snow out of my driveway it's MY task, MY property, and he does it out of kindness. If some of you were my neighbors and saw him shovel my entrance you'd be shocked he does my tasks and you'd judge me manipulative? really,..

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Well, more I think about it more I think there is nothing wrong with me typing something long for him. I am being a helpful and kind girlfriend. Yes it's his task so what? Each time he breaks the ice on my front steps and shovels tons of snow out of my driveway it's MY task, MY property, and he does it out of kindness. If some of you were my neighbors and saw him shovel my entrance you'd be shocked he does my tasks and you'd judge me manipulative? really,..
I think it's logical for individuals in relationships to use their strengths to cover their partner's weaknesses. You clearly have different skillsets and you're both using them to help each other. I don't agree with the others saying he is manipulating you by feigning incompetence.

 

With that being said, does he have a smartphone? If so, you might want to consider setting him with a calendar which you can help manage. I put appointments on my girlfriend's calendar (she is the forgetful one in our relationship). Rather than remind him 12 times a year to pay a bill, you set it up once and the phone reminds him.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...