If he’s interested, he’ll pursue or not?

[LB2016]

So this question is just to get the input of random people...

 

My friend and I were talking last night about relationships in general (and hers) and it got me thinking. Here’s her situation:

 

There’s this guy she’s been hooked on for like 5 years. They dated for like a year when they first met but then it didn’t work out Bc he had things come up (family issues, stress from his job, etc.). So they ended it but they still keep in contact. He reaches out to her via text every few days now. She suggests to hang out and he always seems to be busy. He knows she wants to pursue more but he never acts on it. He keeps saying how his job is holding him back. It’s not stable enough, he’s very unhappy there and he’s not happy with where he is overall with his career. THIS has been his reason for the past like 3 years now.

 

She’s convinced that his reasons are what’s holding him back. Me? I used to agree with that until recently when I’ve come to the realization (due to my OWN experience) of the good old simple concept- if he was into you- he’d come after you! Unhappy with his job or not, if he wanted to be with her he’d make an effort to talk to her, see her and date.

 

So my question to everyone here is what’s your take? Is it possible that guys can really be INTO a woman but not pursue for their own reasons...OR...is it that cookie cutter concept of he’s just not THAT interested???

[nothingsintheflowerz]

I agree with you.

[d0nnivain]

Buy her a book called He's Just Not That Into You. Read it before you give it to her.

 

If a man genuinely is interested in a woman, he will pursue her come hell or high water. This guy is not pursuing your friend because he has no interest in doing so.

 

How much more time is she going to waste? Has she learned nothing in 5 years?

[LB2016]

Despite what was said- check this article out. Perhaps it’s NOT so clean cut...?

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-love-and-war/201206/when-hes-just-not-you-backfires

 

This is like my little research project...?

[smackie9]

She's been hovering over the idea of being with him for five frickin years?! She's wasting her time, and losing out on other opportunities to meet someone that is willing and ready to have a relationship with her. IMO she is obsessing over him because she knows she can't have him.

 

You are right he isn't really that into her, because we, ourselves, have gone out of our way, with leap and bonds over barriers to be with someone we want to be with. She wants that kind of commitment, he isn't willing to give it to her.

 

She needs to snap out of it and cut him off.

[BaileyB]

An intereated guy will make it known if he wants to date a woman...

 

The fact that he hasn't done so in five years, speaks volumes...

[smackie9]

Despite what was said- check this article out. Perhaps it’s NOT so clean cut...?

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-love-and-war/201206/when-hes-just-not-you-backfires

 

This is like my little research project...��

About the guy that gives the girl HIS number to contact him make him fall into two categories

1) he is insecure, fears rejection, lacks experience

2) he's a lazy dater, he thinks he's all that, likes to have all the control

 

I get what the article is saying....she doesn't score any points for being desired because she is being too available and chasing. BUT this also applies to guys that are too eager to please, to be liked, to be desired.

 

I don't think this is her problem tho, he's the one that reached out but says he's too busy to date. I think he was hoping or toying with the idea to get sex out of her but realized she still has strong feelings for him. He's a jackass. I bet money on it if she offered a FWB he would be all over it.

Edited January 20, 2018 by smackie9

[Quagmire243]

There is a woman I know who I am interested in but have not pursued out of fear, insecurity, inexperience and general shyness. Then that raises the question, why would you even want to go out with someone like that?

[salparadise]

People are just people. Rigid notions with respect to gender roles, i.e. "if he's into you he'll pursue with abandon," are not universal truth.

 

It could be that he's decided definitely that he's not interested in dating her, but it also could be that he has some kind of psychological barrier (such as fear of rejection, conscious or subconscious) and just needs some additional reassurance... or he could have it in his head that the ball is in her court for some reason.

 

I know the latter is true for me in some cases. I went out with a woman several months ago, then asked her out for the following Friday. She turned me down with the excuse that she was leaving on vacation Sunday and would probably be too busy. I didn't ask again. My presumption was that it was a thin excuse and that if she had really wanted to go out again she would have either made time or suggested an alternative. In the meantime, she has viewed my profile a few times which makes me wonder if she's trying to encourage me to ask again. But to me it feels like I was blown off with a thin excuse and it's up to her to reach out in some way if she's interested. She may see it differently. It feels like a mexican standoff. I'm not going to put myself out there again without some encouragement.

 

So the point is, if OPs friend wants to date this guy then she needs to do something proactive to overcome whatever resistance this guy may have. Sometimes what needs to be done, what works, is not consistent with the gender-based witticisms that so many seem to think of as hard, fast rules.

Edited January 20, 2018 by salparadise

[Lamartine]

I agree with you, OP. He is stringing her along. She needs to cut off contact with him: I suspect it's preventing her from finding someone with whom she could be truly happy. If she's always holding out hope for this guy, then she'll never be able to be fully invested in someone else. I think she should tell him that she values their friendship, but that this situation isn't healthy for her and that she needs to cut off contact for now. If I were her, I'd tell him to come back when he's in a better place. I am FULLY away of how difficult this is: it's much easier said than done. On the other hand, it's short term pain for the sake of long term fulfillment. Please update us! I hate that your friend is going through this!

[Versacehottie]

Despite what was said- check this article out. Perhaps it’s NOT so clean cut...?

 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-love-and-war/201206/when-hes-just-not-you-backfires

 

This is like my little research project...?

 

I would seriously trust the article more than the book!! I mean consider the sources: psychology professional and real research vs TV writers who came up with a good line that approximates and oversimplifies something that happens in dating and then capitalized on it to write a book. Hmmmmm. The funniest thing about it is if you have ever listened to either one of those two writers I would not really trust their dating advice whatsoever. They were funny tv writers.

 

That said, while the actual situation could be for many reasons and a self-fulfilling prophecy as the article says (something that I think happens almost as much with anxious and rigid people on the other side), your friend is letting herself string herself along. Basically i didn't see much in your OP that said she is living her dating life in any other way, so that's a mistake. You can keep the door somewhat open where the guy feels comfortable to contact you when and if the time arises but not allow yourself to be a doormat and make yourself more attractive in the process. Allowing him to have what he wants and putting her own needs and wants to the side actually diminishes her value and lowers her chance of getting what she wants from him eventually. She needs to stop being so accessible. Show that she is moving on with her life, even dating other guys.

 

It's funny that people look for a "formula" about this level of human behavior. It's just more complex than a simple line or black and white answer. Also a simple if he was into you, he'd pursue to justify all sorts of illogical and ridiculous behavior by people is silly but hey i read stuff like this on this site all the time (just read one this am!). At the same time, it doesn't really pay to try to figure it out or hold on for the OP's friend. Both of which idealize and romanticize relationships. Simply put she needs to do her and prioritize herself. It's actually amazing that doing that will draw people toward you and give you the power of choice rather than leave you powerless.

[FilterCoffee]

You’re right, in most cases, if he’s interested he will pursue. There are exceptions like if the girl is his close friend’s ex, or if the girl is just coming out of a bad breakup but otherwise he will convey his interest.

[Maggie4]

They dated for like a year when they first met but then it didn’t work out Bc he had things come up (family issues, stress from his job, etc.). So they ended it but they still keep in contact.

 

This is where she'll flnd her answer. He already dated her, and it didn't work out. Who ended it? I think he did, not "they". So he probably won't try again, since the reason he gave will probably always be there.

[Fair]

I ended it with someone last night from OLD because he was calling a lot on the phone and showing a DEGREE of interest, but it's not enough. I never hear from him on the weekends from Saturday through until late Sunday night...

 

I keep asking what he's doing on the weekends because I want him to suggest we finally meet!! He never does. And NEVER promises to call me on Saturday nights when usually during the week he's good about saying what day he'll call next. But there's a mystery surrounding the weekends.

 

He assures me he's not seeing anyone else, that he's got 3 kids and would never have time to date two women. I suppose that's why he's leaving me hanging... he's not seeing two women maybe, but he was definitely seeing someone while keeping me dangling on a hook.

 

All I can say is, I hope he picked the better candidate because he lost a good woman on this end. Although, I'm not so virtuous not to hope his other woman doesn't feed him back a good dose of his own karma.

 

I don't understand your friend. People like that will put up excuses like this from these guys forever and never accept they're being played. I put up with this guy for a month now and am kicking myself for wasting even four weeks on someone who really wasn't that into me. But he's gone now for good.

Edited January 20, 2018 by Fair

[act00]

Always busy=uninterested.

 

What bugs me the most is he keeps reaching out to her...he's not in it, but he's keeping that carrot dangling. I'm guessing that many, many times in the 3-4 years since the breakup and his job and life are a barrier to him having a relationship, there have been many dates and hookups (sex), and then it's back to being too busy with the texts and phone calls in between.

 

It's those moments captured in between "too busy" and "the job" that keep her hanging on for dear life.

 

Time to let him go. His job or life stresses will always be an excuse or an issue. There is never a perfect time.

 

Find someone who can have a healthy job/life balance...and someone truly interested in making it happen.

[SevenCity]

People are just people. Rigid notions with respect to gender roles, i.e. "if he's into you he'll pursue with abandon," are not universal truth.

 

It could be that he's decided definitely that he's not interested in dating her, but it also could be that he has some kind of psychological barrier (such as fear of rejection, conscious or subconscious) and just needs some additional reassurance... or he could have it in his head that the ball is in her court for some reason.

 

I know the latter is true for me in some cases. I went out with a woman several months ago, then asked her out for the following Friday. She turned me down with the excuse that she was leaving on vacation Sunday and would probably be too busy. I didn't ask again. My presumption was that it was a thin excuse and that if she had really wanted to go out again she would have either made time or suggested an alternative. In the meantime, she has viewed my profile a few times which makes me wonder if she's trying to encourage me to ask again. But to me it feels like I was blown off with a thin excuse and it's up to her to reach out in some way if she's interested. She may see it differently. It feels like a mexican standoff. I'm not going to put myself out there again without some encouragement.

 

So the point is, if OPs friend wants to date this guy then she needs to do something proactive to overcome whatever resistance this guy may have. Sometimes what needs to be done, what works, is not consistent with the gender-based witticisms that so many seem to think of as hard, fast rules.

 

Considering the non-directness that often accompanies rejection from women, I don't blame you for handling as you did.

 

I've found that women who are REALLY into you will make an effort and make it easy for you. Like they don't even give you a chance to ask them out because they are asking you out.

 

If a woman isn't interested it's easier for her to just ignore you. I'm not into women who expect me to chase them.

 

Think you made the right call. Corey Wayne says to give it a week and try one more time. I typically don't follow that practice.

 

Buy her a book called He's Just Not That Into You. Read it before you give it to her.

 

If a man genuinely is interested in a woman, he will pursue her come hell or high water. This guy is not pursuing your friend because he has no interest in doing so.

 

How much more time is she going to waste? Has she learned nothing in 5 years?

 

Up until a point. I had a date this week with a woman who checked every single one of my boxes. I wasn't sure how she was feeling me (mixed signals like staying for a meal over the drink, letting me pay despite her offering, asking wuestions about me, walking with me back to our respective transportations.

 

I texted her the next day saying I would love to take her out again, she never responded.

 

Of all the women I have dated in the past 1.5 years, this one was the best match for me and I would jump through hoops to take her out again.

 

That said, her lack of interest is apparent by her silence so I have ceased all forward momentum and will be removing her as a match.

 

I agree when a guy is into a woman he will pursue, but lack of reciprocity stops me dead in my tracks.

[LilySun]

Reasons can be taken as legit in the beginning, but at this point it's excuses and not reasons anymore. Not that he is lying but he is utilizing it as an excuse not to move forward.

 

Though I have known many men who will not settle down with someone if they don't feel their career life is doing well. They believe if they aren't happy they can't make someone else happy. But the fact is, even then if they happen to meet someone they are super into, the career stuff won't hold them back. I've seen this happen. Since this guy has been saying the same thing for so long.. It's an excuse not to be with her, period. But in his mind he feels it is a logical reason. If he was head over heels for her, logic would go out the window.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

I think, in the short term (like a month or two), a man can be too afraid of rejection to ask out a woman he really likes, but this is not one of those situations. I'd agree he's just not that into her. He likes her, sure. But not enough.

[Imajerk17]

Well, I am typically one on here calling for women to go for what they want instead of trying to read the tea leaves on everything. And with that said, I have to agree with the others that He's Just Not Into Her (sorry).

 

All the above excuses--not stable w my career, not ready for a relationship, ect are just too easy and too standard. Plenty of people get together and fall in love despite all the above. This goes even more that they dated a year.

 

Look, just as women tend to be "nice" and avoid confrontation, we men were taught to be *"chivalrous"*. If our brother is acting like an idiot then we go right ahead and put him in his place, but woe betide us if we make our sister cry! Hence the lack of a direct answer, where the guy is subconsciously hoping to let your friend down gently.

Edited January 20, 2018 by Imajerk17

[mortensorchid]

That's ridiculous that she is holding on for FIVE YEARS after they have broken up and she thinks that this guy is going to someday come around. HE'S NOT THAT INTO HER and that belongs in all caps. A man who is interested doesn't have reasons or excuses as to how or why he can't do something, he makes up reasons why he CAN do things. I hope she is out trying to see other people because if she thinks he'll come around she'll end up very disappointed.

[LilySun]

That's ridiculous that she is holding on for FIVE YEARS after they have broken up and she thinks that this guy is going to someday come around. HE'S NOT THAT INTO HER and that belongs in all caps. A man who is interested doesn't have reasons or excuses as to how or why he can't do something, he makes up reasons why he CAN do things. I hope she is out trying to see other people because if she thinks he'll come around she'll end up very disappointed.

 

This is the big problem here that she has been waiting 5 years and never gets tired of hearing the same old excuses over and over?

 

I reconnected with an Ex that had his fiance pass away in the years we lost touch. She was only gone a few months so it was obviously understandable that he wanted company but nothing more. We were on/off for the next 2-3 yrs and if the excuse wasn't about her, it was about something else. Next thing I know he was "seeing someone". It didn't last, but still, the excuses apparently only applied to me and no one else. Once I figured that out I cut him out of my life and his excuses were no longer acceptable. I don't understand how they are still acceptable to this girl.

[Chilli]

For a little while yeah , at least with me.

Time can be a B2tch in this stuff sometimes.

Sadly this was a legit and huge part of the sitch with me and my ex now gf for nearly 2yrs as it was very long distance.

l just wasn't in the position to cope with it financially as l'd just been divorced. Someone local yeah no problem we could've been living life that whole time. But sadly with very long distance, nope , l just couldn't manage it.

 

ln your friends case though , 5 years and his close not like his stuck on the other world or something, Nah , something wrong there he's just not feeling the right stuff.

[preraph]

If he was interested, at the very minimum, he would make time to go to her and get laid. He's obviously not interested in being gf/bf with her. He may value her as a friend, but he's just making excuses to keep from losing her friendship. He's got other irons in the fire.

[LB2016]

Wow! So many good responses with great points. I do agree with what everyone is saying for the most part: perhaps it’s NOT so simple and there may be cases with exceptions to the “rule”...but in this case- I do feel he’s stringing her along. She has a good heart and is one of those hopeless romantics and I think that’s what’s keeping her stuck.

 

She IS dating other people (trying to anyway being on Match.com, etc) and he does know this about her. She claims she’s not putting things on hold Bc of him. But being in the same spot myself one time, I know what that’s like when you still have that door open with this person. You try to convince yourself that you’re not “waiting” for them but still being in contact with them does nothing but keep the wound open and keep you holding on. I’ve tried to tell her this but she swears she’s not “waiting”. Meanwhile 5 years later...!!!! Lol

 

The guy has issues and I think he likes the validation he gets from her and God knows why else. He makes no effort to see her. They live an hour apart so he sometimes even uses the distance as an excuse. The job has BEEN the excuse and I’ve told her I think he just uses it as a crutch. She gets to points where she tells him not to contact her anymore unless he’s serious, but she always gives in and goes back to the same.

 

It is a shame though Bc I feel like she’s just wasting so much of her time. She says if someone came along that blew her away- she’d def move on and wouldn’t turn down the opportunity. I just think she’d continue to have this guy in the back of her mind.

Edited January 21, 2018 by LB2016

[Logo]

There isn't enough information in the original post to make a definite determination. For example, that one year relationship, well, it would be nice to know more about that: His feelings, hers, etc..

 

 

But based on the information provided alone, he's not interested. They already dated for a year. It didn't work out.

 

It's time to move on.

Edited January 21, 2018 by Logo