When men move on and you're still single

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

So I hadn't heard from my ex-boyfriend in such a long time. Since August. He broke up with me over the phone and two weeks ago he wanted to meet up to apologise for the way he treated me. I agreed, he was moving cities and I wanted to hear what he had to say. Unexpectedly, I was so attracted to him when I saw him even though he could have treated me better.

 

He apologised and later that night told me he had moved on and was in a new relationship and had been in one for three weeks with a girl I thought he was dating. I couldn't help but take this personally. When I'm in relationships and get close and fall in love, I cannot help but feel really like I'm giving my all. I have had few and far between and so I cannot help but be incredibly grateful.

 

I couldn't help but wonder why he had moved on so quickly. Before my ex, I had been single for like 12-13 years. So the relationship I had pretty much changed my life. In some ways, it made me more open to other guys who weren't single as long as me before, before I couldn't relate to guys unless they had experience of being single for as long as I had been. I just had nothing I could relate to them with.

 

My ex-had has been single for a long time before he got with me and we had been friends for ages.Suddenly I was replaced.I cried but in the morning I felt ok. it just makes me more determined than ever to meet guys and find my soulmate soon as waiting for 12-13 years can keep you locked in a prison and is very unhealthy. Now I am just so determined to date many, many guys.

 

Have anyone been out with someone only for them to go out with someone soon after you break up with them?

Edited January 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs ~T

[Popsicle]

Yep, been there, done that with the ex-bf. Don't be surprised if after he runs thru her, he starts contacting you trying to get your attention again.

[bachdude]

Personally, I think dating before moving on will only complicate your life.

 

Before getting over a break up, most of us are emotionally needy and not at the top of our game regarding establishing another healthy relationship. We tend to make poor decisions in this frame of mind too.

 

And many guys, if they get wind that you recently had your heart broken, will get wary, fearing they will be a rebound relationship. They either run or think to themselves they can just use you for sex and stay unattached.

 

All in all, it often doesn’t work out.

 

Save yourself additional heart break and let yourself heal.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Personally, I think dating before moving on will only complicate your life.

 

Before getting over a breakup, most of us are emotionally needy and not at the top of our game regarding establishing another healthy relationship. We tend to make poor decisions in this frame of mind too.

 

And many guys, if they get wind that you recently had your heart broken, will get wary, fearing they will be a rebound relationship. They either run or think to themselves they can just use you for sex and stay unattached.

 

All in all, it often doesn’t work out.

 

Save yourself additional heartbreak and let yourself heal.

 

I guess my question is though, how come it's ok for guys to just move on and find someone as if going out with me was like losing a sock and for mei have to ' heal' & rebuild my life.

[Popsicle]

Personally, I think dating before moving on will only complicate your life.

 

Before getting over a break up, most of us are emotionally needy and not at the top of our game regarding establishing another healthy relationship. We tend to make poor decisions in this frame of mind too.

 

And many guys, if they get wind that you recently had your heart broken, will get wary, fearing they will be a rebound relationship. They either run or think to themselves they can just use you for sex and stay unattached.

 

All in all, it often doesn’t work out.

 

Save yourself additional heart break and let yourself heal.

 

Yes, these are good points. The same applies to your ex as well but some guys don't really like the "take time to heal" and all that stuff...

They just wanna jump in for the thrill and be a rah rah tough guy.

[Popsicle]

I guess my question is though, how come it's ok for guys to just move on and find someone as if going out with me was like losing a sock and for mei have to ' heal' & rebuild my life.

 

It's been 5 months I think you said. It's ok for you to date others if you want to. Just make sure it's what you want to do.

[stillafool]

From what you described about your ex's past he isn't quick to jump into relationships so perhaps he met this woman and finally found his mate. I wouldn't suggest you wait another 10-12 years before you start dating again if you want a partner.

[Popsicle]

Me? I won't just date any guy who shows up. I need to LIKE him.

If history is any indicator, I find a guy a like about once every 5 years.

 

And yes, I just have to watch everyone else (including ex) get in and out of relationships over and over while I sit alone.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

It's been 5 months I think you said. It's ok for you to date others if you want to. Just make sure it's what you want to do.

 

My dream is to get married and have children. I don't have much time to wait, I'm in my 30's. So although I could take time to heal, it might prolong what I ultimately desire and I can't afford to waste any more time. I think you're right we encourage women to heal before moving on, men get encouraged to find someone and go out and hook up.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

From what you described about your ex's past he isn't quick to jump into relationships so perhaps he met this woman and finally found his mate. I wouldn't suggest you wait another 10-12 years before you start dating again if you want a partner.

That's why I feel i need to date as soon as possible

[Popsicle]

My dream is to get married and have children. I don't have much time to wait, I'm in my 30's. So although I could take time to heal, it might prolong what I ultimately desire and I can't afford to waste any more time. I think you're right we encourage women to heal before moving on, men get encouraged to find someone and go out and hook up.

 

Then go for it!

The biological clock for women is REAL

[stillafool]

I'm so glad I never wanted kids. I can't imagine putting myself under that type of pressure.

[bachdude]

I guess my question is though, how come it's ok for guys to just move on and find someone as if going out with me was like losing a sock and for mei have to ' heal' & rebuild my life.

 

I would give the same advise to a guy as I would to you.

 

In fact, my advise is largely born out of experience (I’m a guy). I jumped into a relationship after a major heart break and looking back it is so obvious to me that my own unhealthy frame of mind was a key factor in that relationship ending. I’m even embarrassed looking back.

 

Jumping in didn’t save any time for me. It set me back, not ahead.

[Popsicle]

I would give the same advise to a guy as I would to you.

 

In fact, my advise is largely born out of experience (I’m a guy). I jumped into a relationship after a major heart break and looking back it is so obvious to me that my own unhealthy frame of mind was a key factor in that relationship ending. I’m even embarrassed looking back.

 

Jumping in didn’t save any time for me. It set me back, not ahead.

 

Interesting. Why do you feel it set you back?

[bachdude]

Interesting. Why do you feel it set you back?

 

Well, I guess what I am saying is that in the amount of time that the rebound relationship lasted, I could have been over the previous relationship. Now I had another failed relationship to get over. And I’m not convinced the rebound relationship truly helped me get over the previous one. Because when the rebound ended what did I do? My mind went right back to the previous one! Haha It seemed more like a bandaid, I think.

[Popsicle]

Well, I guess what I am saying is that in the amount of time that the rebound relationship lasted, I could have been over the previous relationship. Now I had another failed relationship to get over. And I’m not convinced the rebound relationship truly helped me get over the previous one. Because when the rebound ended what did I do? My mind went right back to the previous one! Haha It seemed more like a bandaid, I think.

 

Wow, that's great insight.

[bachdude]

Wow, that's great insight.

 

Thank you, Popsicle!

[HiCrunchy]

Well, I guess what I am saying is that in the amount of time that the rebound relationship lasted, I could have been over the previous relationship. Now I had another failed relationship to get over. And I’m not convinced the rebound relationship truly helped me get over the previous one. Because when the rebound ended what did I do? My mind went right back to the previous one! Haha It seemed more like a bandaid, I think.

 

I think it depends more if the person was the dumpee or the dumper.

Sometimes the dumpers doesn't need the "healing time" the dumpee needs when they head into a new relationship.

[Popsicle]

I think it depends more if the person was the dumpee or the dumper.

Sometimes the dumpers doesn't need the "healing time" the dumpee needs when they head into a new relationship.

 

It seems like this matters and even I want to believe it but I think it depends more on the person. How introspective they are. How much importance they put on examining feelings and stuff like that. My ex was the dumpee and he ran right into another relationship. Hell, he would have gotten into another one the very next day if he could have.

[SevenCity]

I think it depends more if the person was the dumpee or the dumper.

Sometimes the dumpers doesn't need the "healing time" the dumpee needs when they head into a new relationship.

 

Agree. Though often they use the tail end of the relationship for the healing and tell you about the breakup once they are over it.

 

For the record, I've seen more women get into relationships after a breakup as they have an easier time finding a guy than guys do a finding a girl.

[carhill]

Have anyone been out with someone only for them to go out with someone soon after you break up with them?

 

Gave exW keys my keys to her new place in April, she filed for divorce in June, new guy was living there in August, our D was final the following year in October. I knew because I saw him when I was still dropping off stuff she had forgotten when we moved the stuff to the new place. I ended up with my mom's furniture since I had put her in a dementia facility and closed down her house. Fun times. However, this is not unusual. Nearly every woman in my local demographic whom I've known had a new guy lined up before the divorce was final. Him living with was a bit of a surprise. That was her first solely owned house and she was 50.

 

Anyway, they're still together and I'm still single. It all worked out. Ironically, her best friend did the same thing the next year, moving in with the guy next door to her before she and her H were divorced and she lived with him until she died a few years later.

 

IME, the least invested or attached person moves on first, all else being equal, presuming they want another partner. Of course more attractive people can generally successfully move on more quickly if they want to because they have more options and are more popular for mating. Are men less invested/attached? IDK. Some are I guess. Each couple is different.

[Young mind]

Although the balance might be tipped to more female dumpers doing this, that is a debate for another day.

IMO, for guys, initially it's all about sex and companionship, there's no way you could be 'in love' with someone else that quickly, all of that takes time.

It is all the excitement of something new and suddenly this something new is gold and the previous relationship becomes bronze,

These are all classic monkey-branching, which no matter how much we can dispute never last because they are based on someone who is unhappy, dissatisfied, unable to find true love or hold on to one

[Gaeta]

I guess my question is though, how come it's ok for guys to just move on and find someone as if going out with me was like losing a sock and for mei have to ' heal' & rebuild my life.

 

It's not a matter of 'ok'. It's his life so he can run it as he sees fit and you can run yours the same. He's been with a new woman for 3 weeks, that's laughable, it means she can be gone tomorrow or next week, a 3 week relationship is nothing.

 

Some people jump from one relationship to another, mostly men. They're wired differently, they actually suffer more being single that's why they're so in a hurry to find the next one. Women in general will spend more time single because we're emotionally stronger. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't be impressed by him at all.

 

You broke up a while now, go back to dating and forget how other people run their life, how do you want to run yours!

[primer]

So I hadn't heard from my ex-boyfriend in such a long time. Since August. He broke up with me over the phone and two weeks ago he wanted to meet up to apologise for the way he treated me. I agreed, he was moving cities and I wanted to hear what he had to say. Unexpectedly, I was so attracted to him when I saw him even though he could have treated me better.

 

He apologised and later that night told me he had moved on and was in a new relationship and had been in one for three weeks with a girl I thought he was dating. I couldn't help but take this personally. When I'm in relationships and get close and fall in love, I cannot help but feel really like I'm giving my all. I have had few and far between and so I cannot help but be incredibly grateful.

 

I couldn't help but wonder why he had moved on so quickly. Before my ex, I had been single for like 12-13 years. So the relationship I had pretty much changed my life. In some ways, it made me more open to other guys who weren't single as long as me before, before I couldn't relate to guys unless they had experience of being single for as long as I had been. I just had nothing I could relate to them with.

 

My ex-had has been single for a long time before he got with me and we had been friends for ages.Suddenly I was replaced.I cried but in the morning I felt ok. it just makes me more determined than ever to meet guys and find my soulmate soon as waiting for 12-13 years can keep you locked in a prison and is very unhealthy. Now I am just so determined to date many, many guys.

 

Have anyone been out with someone only for them to go out with someone soon after you break up with them?

 

 

 

Yes - he was dating someone three weeks after our eight year relationship ended. Then he decided he wanted me back. I rejected him.

 

 

I too take years before I am ready to get into a relationship again.

 

 

In my ex's case, it's almost like he had to prove himself. Prove to his friends and coworkers that other women want him. It's like he was trying to impress people.

 

 

It's hard and it sucks - but I still don't want him back. He made it worse.

[preraph]

None of it's easy, but I will just say the goal is to stop caring what or who your ex is doing and then you don't have to compare yourself to them. Block them on everything and don't visit their social media or let friends tell you all about what he's up to if you want to get past it quicker. Later, once you're detached and have moved on, it won't matter as much.