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Dating sux vs oxytocin high


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I see posts here fairly frequently where the poster complains that they hate or fear dating. By contrast, it seems like every time I date (at least a first date or another date in what seems to be a growing relationship), I'm 'on cloud nine' for several hours or several days.

 

Had a first date yesterday evening and I'm self-diagnosing an oxytocin high. I'm charged up, optimistic, emotionally bouncing off the walls with high energy, and 'inspired' to start this thread. What creates the difference between the fear and the joy? Is it age/wisdom/emotional maturity? Previous experience? Optimism vs pessimism in one's personality? What one feels is at stake?

 

I'm an 'older' guy looking for a 'second go-around' on an LTR. I'm generally pretty 'stone-cold' about expectations but I also feel that, though I want to be 'in love' for the sake of having a happiER life, if I never find an SO I can still be happy. The archetypal fearers seem to be 20 to 40 somethings who post about being worried that their lives will not be fulfilled without a relationship developed through dating.

 

In particular, 30 something women who want to have families with their own natural children and 20 to 30 something 'nice guys' post about fearing dating for the risk of not achieving desired results. Have I just synthesized a generalization or is there much more to it than that?

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CautiouslyOptimistic

Obviously a lot of variables factor in, but it does seem like older folks who have had long term relationships in the past are the most optimistic about either finding love again or being OK if they don't. Maybe it's a "been there, done that" thing? And maybe with younger people it's a FOMO thing? (Fear of missing out....just telling you since you said you're older ;) ) Of course with women in their thirties it is a bio clock thing sometimes, so that is a no-brainer and very understandable. I do have trouble understanding the desperation in twenty-somethings, but also try not to judge since I've never been in their shoes, having gotten married at age 23.

 

Enjoy your high while it lasts :).

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So many people seem to just date date date, which l will never for the life of me understand. But that's me.

l can only imagine though doing the dating thing over and over like that but it never actually going anywhere, often for years and years , and a lot of not so nice experiences is what gets them to that point understandably.

And the with the women 30s and stuff well as CO said , no brainer.really.

 

l can well understand too people wanting a partner .

l'm a bit like you and recently divorced . l didn't think l'd wanna marry again but spending a couple of years with somebody since showed me l'll def go again should l get lucky enough to meet the right girl.

l prefer the life.

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somanymistakes

A lot of people fear/hate dating because they've had negative, even frightening experiences in the past. If in your casual dating phase you had to weed out several psychos for every decent person you met, you might get a bit gunshy. "Great, I met a new person! Is he going to be an alcoholic? A rapist? Secretly married and lying to me? Will his profile picture turn out to have been 20 years out of date? Did he make up all his interests to sound cooler and none of them are true? Will I have trouble getting out of this date safely?"

 

Others detest the dating process because they feel like they are required to act in false, artificial ways in order to attract interest, and this makes them hate themselves and resent the people they are dating. (The obvious solution is to stop being fake and only date people who like you the way you are normally, but then they go 'But less people will like me that way!' and the cycle continues.)

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In general being 50+ a man has had one long term

relationship, and the required to kids.

 

So he has no pressure to have a relationship. So if he wants

another relationship he can handle not being able

to find a new partner.

 

He is not the man that is the late bloomer looking to have his

first date, girlfriend, wife, children. The late bloomer is still trying

to get laid for the first time.

 

He is not the super picky 20 year old woman looking for Mr Perfect.

He is not the 30 year old still super picky woman looking for Mr Perfect

with her clock ticking so loud it is causing her to have hearing

loss.

 

Yes is normal to be floating in the air after a great first date for

both men and women. This is why we go on the second date.

 

I do not understand why you would post. I do not get your

question, reason. Can you explain your goal to you starting this thread?

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I get "high" after a good first date.

 

If you are dating online, then most first dates are a total chore :sick:

 

A lot of people fear/hate dating because they've had negative, even frightening experiences in the past. If in your casual dating phase you had to weed out several psychos for every decent person you met, you might get a bit gunshy. "Great, I met a new person! Is he going to be an alcoholic? A rapist? Secretly married and lying to me? Will his profile picture turn out to have been 20 years out of date? Did he make up all his interests to sound cooler and none of them are true? Will I have trouble getting out of this date safely?"

 

Others detest the dating process because they feel like they are required to act in false, artificial ways in order to attract interest, and this makes them hate themselves and resent the people they are dating. (The obvious solution is to stop being fake and only date people who like you the way you are normally, but then they go 'But less people will like me that way!' and the cycle continues.)

 

I am dating online, so my original question and observations are based on that scenario. Those of you who are meeting dating partners through other means (smiles and winks across a bar?) may have had different experiences. Both Sunshine's and somany's comments appear to me to totally apply to OLD.

 

I'm 'hearing' it's the lies that contribute to the hate for dating. Both the lies the 'other' tells and the lies 'we' tell. And that both sides lie to attract.

 

First a disclaimer: I haven't been dating again for long, just a couple of months. And though I feel I have only met 'nice, decent' women, I haven't yet found that LTR that I am seeking that would conclusively validate my approach. That said, I'm going to put myself on a pedestal about not lying and screening for lying. No brag, just fact (trivia points to any Boomers who remember what actor used that tag line as what character on what 60s TV show).

 

From my side of the activity, I feel I have been honest in my profile and my messages. Having been honest, I've sent my share of messages that had gotten no or negative response and I am guilty of not responding to messages from women who I have superficially judged to be uninteresting. When I have had an exchange of messages, I try to ask questions that will both allow me to learn more about the other person AND weed out contradictions that would raise suspicions about lies. 'We' exchange 'enough' messages so that both are satisfied that they know what to expect if we meet and that the low-end expectation is a casual, friendly conversation. I've calling this 'stacking the deck'. In the instances where this communication has resulted in a real-life meeting, the surprises have either been minor or nonexistant.

 

Is this approach so unusual? Does it really seem to be a chore and not a bit of a pleasure (one of my contacts wrote that she enjoyed the messaging more than the meetings)? Am I missing something or does the approach minimize the risks of frightening experiences and meeting psychos? Are the people who do have the bad experiences just not making as much effort to vet potential dates as I've described?

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CautiouslyOptimistic
When I have had an exchange of messages, I try to ask questions that will both allow me to learn more about the other person AND weed out contradictions that would raise suspicions about lies. 'We' exchange 'enough' messages so that both are satisfied that they know what to expect if we meet and that the low-end expectation is a casual, friendly conversation. I've calling this 'stacking the deck'. In the instances where this communication has resulted in a real-life meeting, the surprises have either been minor or nonexistant.

 

Is this approach so unusual? Does it really seem to be a chore and not a bit of a pleasure (one of my contacts wrote that she enjoyed the messaging more than the meetings)? Am I missing something or does the approach minimize the risks of frightening experiences and meeting psychos? Are the people who do have the bad experiences just not making as much effort to vet potential dates as I've described?

 

I have the same approach, and have had the same results (minimal surprises), but I DO think it's unusual. Most people seem to want to bypass messaging and just meet, seeing getting to know each other through messaging a waste of time. I see it the other way around, maybe because I'm a fast typist and enjoy writing. I don't see it as a waste of time. I see leaving my home, getting dolled up, going to meet someone I end up not liking at all a bigger waste of my time than spending more time getting to know someone "virtually." It all comes down to preference and how you want to spend your time, I think. And how much you like the written word, too. I love a man who can write, so it's a turn on if he expresses himself well that way.

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I do not understand why you would post. I do not get your

question, reason. Can you explain your goal to you starting this thread?

 

Actually the rest of your post (which I didn't quote for space reasons) provided ONE very good answer to my question about why many people hate dating. It's close to what my own answer as a 50+ male would be. I started the thread because I'm curious if there is more to it than what is obvious to me. What I'm hearing continues to reinforce my understanding that people go through stages in life. Based on our genders (men and women are truly driven by different desires and goals), ages, and experiences in our lives up to a present time, we have different feelings about dating (and plenty of other things as well). It is still interesting AND helpful to me as I continue my dating journey to hear other individuals' takes on the 'problems' of dating and love relationships.

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Eternal Sunshine

I also think it depends how long you have been doing it for. For me it's been many years on and off (in between relationships) and writing gets very repetative and tedious.

 

Most people ask the same questions.

What do you do? Where are you from? How long have you been living here?. I find myself almost out of energy to answer the same question over and over again. It's going through the motions. I usually can't be bothered and stop responding. The only way for me to even keep the attention beyond a few messages is to set up a meeting.

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Ruby Slippers

I think there may be something to your theory that the most angsty daters are 20-40. I suppose the stakes feel higher.

 

Like you, I tend to get euphoric when dating. I'm very selective about whom I'll even meet from online, so by the time I meet someone, it's clear we're likely to have a pretty good connection. We both kinda pull out the stops for the first date, so they're almost always fun and sparkly.

 

I can't motivate myself to date unless I find the fun in it. I can't even imagine how I'd be an appealing date otherwise.

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Cookiesandough

I usually like to be on dates. I wouldn’t call it an oxytocin high but I enjoy it. I Enjoy learning about people. I enjoy escaping my own mind for a little bit. I just don’t like the stuff that comes before and after. Or where they grill you about where you want to be in five years like it’s a job interview or something

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l don't really date as such , don't ask me how that works but even before l was married l just sorta met a gf somehow and the same since divorce too and been with someone a few years,

But , hasn't worked out and 2 two mths ago l joined a date site.just to have a look around. wasn't expecting anything.

Same though , l'm with CO.l'm not wasting my time going off to meet just anyone.

l talked to a fair few people , no point. But then l met a chinese girl, real honey but we both knew we weren't really suited as a couple. She invited me over for tea though, l effg love chinese, Just friends really and we talked and stuff, really nice night , nice lady, the waste.

 

Then l met the one l've been with now a mth or so ago. She knocked my socks off the sec' l found her and we talked a lot then l went down to meet her, 3hours away. wE just walked along the beach and talked for hours, cuddling, beautiful day and we're still doing our thing but again , wasn't really a date a date as such we both pretty well knew it was a given.

 

Although , she wants to take it really really slow, her divorce isn't through yet and she needs time. l do trust her feelings she proves it every time but the go slow thing worries me a bit and so l'm not sure how we'll go there, l'm getting towey.

But again , no real dating as such, we just are, still seems the same pattern it was even back when before l was married.

Thank the Gods really , l couldn't stand the dating thing.

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Eternal Sunshine
I think there may be something to your theory that the most angsty daters are 20-40. I suppose the stakes feel higher.

 

Like you, I tend to get euphoric when dating. I'm very selective about whom I'll even meet from online, so by the time I meet someone, it's clear we're likely to have a pretty good connection. We both kinda pull out the stops for the first date, so they're almost always fun and sparkly.

 

I can't motivate myself to date unless I find the fun in it. I can't even imagine how I'd be an appealing date otherwise.

 

For me, the moment I meet a guy I am attracted to, regardless of my mood or a bad day or anything else, I immediately feel happy and excited. So I am fun and enjoying it. The problem is it only happens about 1 out of 10 times I meet someone from online.

 

Before the meeting, there is virtually no way for me to get excited. I wish I could change that so that I don't waste so much time on dead-end meets.

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