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Why do people stay in relationships when they aren't happy?


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A conversation last night with a friend sparked this question. Anyone who has ever been in this position or knows someone who has, why do people settle? I'm not talking about bad or unhealthy relationships that people choose to stay in. I mean (specifically guys), why do they stay with a girl who they don't have a deep connection with or who makes them happy, but not REALLY happy?

 

My theories:

1. I think in most of these cases the guy is afraid of being alone. This woman serves as a placeholder and someone to pass the time until he finds "the one", but he doesn't want to be alone in the mean time.

 

2. He is trying to get his mind off of someone else, and this girl is the distraction. Like the phrase "the best way to get over someone is by getting under someone else." This new girl doesn't make him AS happy, but hey, it's better than missing your ex.

 

3. It's a confidence thing and they like being needed/depended on.

 

4. They like the idea of being in a relationship more than this particular person (kind of similar to the placeholder).

 

5. He stays out of pity and not wanting to hurt her. The other person is head over heels and he is not necessarily unhappy, so why fix something that isn't broken?

 

What do you think? Obviously the situation doesn't only apply to men, but it is where I most often see it.

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I've done it because I was getting old (turned 30) and thought my time for fun is done anyway and I need to birth a baby before my ovaries are toast.

 

Bad decision.

 

Some women also supper from 'aspiring wifey' syndrom - they feel like it is the bestest achievement to trick a dude into giving them The Ring ;)

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IDK about 'relationships' but my #1 observation regarding marriages is lifestyle, the combination of social and monetary power that is attractive beyond a perceptibly 'meh' partner, or so the person believes at the time.

 

#2 is fear, whether it is fear of losing that lifestyle, or being alone. Back in my younger days guys feared getting hammered for custody and support, basically losing their kids and a significant portion of their monthly labor to someone who didn't care about them in the least. They'd wall off the bad stuff from solvency and time with their kids and soldier on. Women had different fears; the most common I heard was abandonment. Times may have changed but fear, in general, is still a motivator.

 

Relationships, if you're talking about dating stuff, not living together, are a different kettle of fish. IDK what would keep people in the game there but your list is as good as any. In my memory if either of us was done, done. See ya. Exit, no discussion. The only investment was time and emotion and, at least back in my day, money for the guy beyond his own maintenance. I considered that sunk cost of socializing without expectation of return so, if things went sideways I tied it off and moved on. Billions more on the planet.

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Hope18,

Who's to judge that they are "not happy"?

 

No-one has any way of knowing the dynamics of other people's relationships.

 

And here's a newsflash - no-one can make anyone else happy. If people go into relationships with the idea that the other person do this, then they are in for one big disappointment,

 

We are all responsible for our own happiness and it isn't the responsibility of these girls you mention to make their b/fs "happy". :)

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What do you think? Obviously the situation doesn't only apply to men, but it is where I most often see it.

 

what about thinking that you won't find someone better?

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The dread of having to date again....ew.

 

Yeah - this is a big one. Meeting strangers to 'date' is as fun as pulling teeth without sedation.

 

Also, many people are just... unable to function if they are single. My mom was that way. Lived 25 years with parents, they another 30 with my dad. It was a terrible marriage but she stayed with him until his death because she just didn't know how to live alone...

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Relationships, if you're talking about dating stuff, not living together, are a different kettle of fish. IDK what would keep people in the game there but your list is as good as any.

 

I think the settling in relationships, especially with younger men and women also may have to do with convenience. My friend and I were discussing a previous guy friend of ours from highschool who had been head over heels for his ex girlfriend, they were madly in love and connected on every level. And then college came and distance broke them apart, he jumped into a new relationship only a couple weeks later and 3 months later is with a girl who he is not nearly as happy with but likely is convenient because he can pretty much live with her since they're at the same college and doesn't have to deal with being alone. While she doesn't make him as happy as his ex did, she makes him happy enough, so it's kind of a "meh" relationship. That's the most recent example I can think of.

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Fear:

- that they'll be less happy alone, without any relationship

- that they'll end up in a worse relationship

- that they'll regret leaving once they do

Better the devil you know than the one you don't.

 

 

Or perhaps laziness, complacency, an irrational hope that things will improve, an inability to deal with upsetting their partner by leaving, etc.

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littleblackheart

Perceived or real family or cultural pressure. In certain families - at least in some middle-class areas where, coincidentally, affairs are rife - getting divorced or leaving a LTR is still not viewed in a good light, particularly in religiously minded families of any faith.

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what about settling because you can't have the one you want? Like in my above example about our friend from highschool. No doubt if his ex was at that school with him they never would have broken up. I see this many times, people settle after a breakup even if the new relationship is mediocre compared to what they used to have.

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Also, some dudes are just complacent. If a woman (any woman really) shows extensive interest, they just follow. As long as they have their needs met they can't care less about the actual woman they are with, just need one. These are easy to spot: they serially monkey branch.

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Also, some dudes are just complacent. If a woman (any woman really) shows extensive interest, they just follow. As long as they have their needs met they can't care less about the actual woman they are with, just need one. These are easy to spot: they serially monkey branch.

 

I’d say pragmatic is a more accurate adjective than complacent. And monkeybranching is only for those who have opportunity. For many of us, the first woman seriously interested - my wife in my case - simply wins. In our 25 years together, no other woman has even chatted me up.

 

I found being single to be embarrassing because I struggled so much to even get a date. Of course, at the time I was in grad school and at the bottom of the totem pole professionally. If I was single now, I’d have a much fuller life apart from dating.

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I’d say pragmatic is a more accurate adjective than complacent. And monkeybranching is only for those who have opportunity. For many of us, the first woman seriously interested - my wife in my case - simply wins. In our 25 years together, no other woman has even chatted me up.

 

I found being single to be embarrassing because I struggled so much to even get a date. Of course, at the time I was in grad school and at the bottom of the totem pole professionally. If I was single now, I’d have a much fuller life apart from dating.

 

Why don’t you think no other woman has chatted you up because you’re NOT single :D?

 

I didn’t date at all up to the last year of grad school as well but this has had no correlation with the amount of men that have been interested afterwards. Before then they had no chance to meet me because I was usually hiding in the lab when friends will invite me out :D

 

But I see the pragmatic side ... Dating/mating is a huge burden and the sooner you don’t need to do it, the more time you have for other things.

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For some people it's sheer practicality. I know a couple that seems really ill-suited, and when we ask him why he stays he says "because divorce is expensive and I can't afford a new townhouse". They're still together but generally try to avoid each other.

 

I hate speaking in generalities like this, but in my experience men are a lot less likely to leave a bad relationship than women. Men hate change. Women tend to tell themselves (sensibly) "this is bad, I should leave" and men more often than not seem to want to stick it out. Men also really like being married! Men view being married and having a home, a car, whatever local measure of financial success, more highly than women do, oddly enough. There is an element of status that prevents some divorces.

 

All aside, I have to agree that not everyone is as miserable as they claim. Some people are just naturally negative and love to complain, even when they love the people they're complaining about. And there are lots of people who do genuinely want to repair their marriages and believe it's possible.

 

It's also true that dating is horrendous. Marriage is hard sometimes, but I don't envy my single friends.

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Something actually like being miserable and complaining. Sitting together and talking about how awful their spouse is is actually an enjoyable leisure activity to them.

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Almost forgot a phrase I coined decades ago, coinciding with my first experience with a MW, a shocking subset of that experience where I was standing next to her at the bank while she drained the ranch bank account for a five figure sum just because she could and wanted to 'get away'.

 

'Relationship (marriage in their case) of convenience'

 

They would remain married for a decade after that particular experience, a bit over 20 in total.

 

Another aspect, at least back during the era I'm referring to, and prior, was that domestic violence was a lot more common and less prosecuted than it is now and fear of violence was also a factor. I remember encountering it firsthand with a friend's mother at 15 when her H decked her in the kitchen. My friend went after his dad and I comforted his mother. They would remain, AFAIK, married for life. I lost touch with them after 20 years or so, at that point some 40 years into their M.

 

IMO, there was perhaps hope involved as G_T put it, laced with fear. Different times too and a different social matrix.

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Like Guerilla said, sometimes people think they can change the person, especially women. Women think love will fix anything, but it won't. A person is who he is and it all started in childhood and that's not work for an amateur. Men do the same thing a different way: I gave her everything, I complimented her, etc. It doesn't work. But still why people stay in a marriage or LTR is way more complicated. My friend does it. She'd rather be with somebody than nobody. She has abandoment issues from childhood, so it was always her pursuing her dad/boyfriends, etc., and then settling for way less than she deserves, because she is a very pretty and tolerant and sweet person -- but those tolerant people are who end up putting up with someone who really isn't as good as they deserve. Kids, of course, complicate everything, the finances, the ability to care for them, the emotional factor of putting them through it.

 

There's people who feel unanchored when they're not coupled up. SO glad I'm not one of them, because they usually have pretty chaotic lives. I admit on the extreme end the other way, but I'm glad I've never found being unmatched painful. My greatest pain has come from dealing with relationships. My greatest peace has come from pets.

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A conversation last night with a friend sparked this question. Anyone who has ever been in this position or knows someone who has, why do people settle? I'm not talking about bad or unhealthy relationships that people choose to stay in. I mean (specifically guys), why do they stay with a girl who they don't have a deep connection with or who makes them happy, but not REALLY happy?

 

My theories:

1. I think in most of these cases the guy is afraid of being alone. This woman serves as a placeholder and someone to pass the time until he finds "the one", but he doesn't want to be alone in the mean time.

 

2. He is trying to get his mind off of someone else, and this girl is the distraction. Like the phrase "the best way to get over someone is by getting under someone else." This new girl doesn't make him AS happy, but hey, it's better than missing your ex.

 

3. It's a confidence thing and they like being needed/depended on.

 

4. They like the idea of being in a relationship more than this particular person (kind of similar to the placeholder).

 

5. He stays out of pity and not wanting to hurt her. The other person is head over heels and he is not necessarily unhappy, so why fix something that isn't broken?

 

What do you think? Obviously the situation doesn't only apply to men, but it is where I most often see it.

 

People stay where and with whom they are because they want to. Full stop.

When any person wants something different, you'd be amazed how quickly they make it happen.

 

Human beings tend to be creatures of habit. It works, until it doesn't.

 

Finding a way to make someone 'held' against their will (regarding OP) is folly.

 

Most people, most of the time, do exactly what they want...barring criminal (they can't get out of) and income.

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Depends.

Relationships and marriage are hard sometimes it's not always roses..

But if you can't work through the tough times and ups and downs then you shouldn't be in one.

So.lf you still love each other you keep trying ..

love doesn't grow on trees, your lucky if you love someone and they love you, but it ain't always easy.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

I don't know any men in relationships who are miserable, but then I don't really talk to many men about their personal problems. I know some women who are less than happy, but out of all of the relationship I know that aren't blissful, all have children and mortgages and very intertwined lives. Divorce is pretty sucky after kids and mortgages and intertwined lives. The grass is not always greener.

 

So, there's that.

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I think it's mostly because it's hard to change. It's easy to just go along with the status quo unless you are completely miserable. Ending a relationship is an emotional upheaval, and who wants to hurt someone? Actually going through with dumping someone sucks because there is no nice or easy way to do it. Those are the worst kind of relationships to end. When you like the person well enough and can't find anything glaring wrong with them. But you know you'd never marry the person.

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A couple of my theories - and these are from experience:

 

1. Out of pity as OP suggested. Not wanting to hurt your partner - the idea you'll be less happy hurting someone than staying in a miserable relationship.

 

2. It's a significant change in life. In the case of leaving a live-in partner, you end up having to find your own place, paying double the rent/utilities (which in some cases is completely unaffordable), losing mutual friends and completely isolating yourself. Which, when viewed from inside the relationship, appears to be more miserable than staying.

 

3. This one's an ongoing struggle for me - Not knowing if the misery is bad enough to warrant actually leaving. Is it just a rough patch? Should I leave if at least some things are good? Or at least better than any alternatives?

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