Spouse's weight - need some suggestions

[ICEMAN69]

So before I incur the wrath of any females who read this let me just say this. I've been married for two decades and when we married my wife was slightly overweight, but nothing dramatic or earth shaking. I was at a point in my life when we wed where I wasn't looking for a trophy wife (she's very pretty) but I was looking for a great person with a great personality and she had both. She has many admirable qualities. Also, this isn't about my ego. I'm not a superficial cad or a misogynist. I just wanted to get that out of the way up front before anyone decides to label me.

 

Since marriage my wife (now in her mid-40s) has gone up 3 to 4 sizes. But I happen to be caught in a strange situation and I'd love advice from either men or women. Men if you've dealt with this and found a way to convey your concerns to your spouse, I'd be interested in hearing about a particular formula that worked for you, or for that matter what blew up on you.

 

On one hand my wife suffers from slightly poor self-esteem. Nothing that requires professional help, but she admitted to me years ago it's something that she has had to deal with. Never because of anything I've done or said, but more about where she was when I met her. I've spent our entire marriage building her up telling her how sexy and attractive she is. It has not always been easy by the way.

 

So knowing that her self-esteem is fragile, it strongly prohibits me from approaching her with this subject lovingly and candidly. I have this awful feeling that if I bring it up, it may destroy all of the self-esteem building I've worked on for all these years.

 

My concern IS NOT purely about how she looks. I'm also very concerned about her health and fear that if this continues it could be detrimental to her overall well-being. At the same time, let's lay our cards on the table. We marry our spouses based on many factors, and looks, chemistry and attraction work into that equation.

 

The other notable part of this issue is that I'm a complete opposite. I watch what I eat. I try to be health-minded. I work out regularly. I stay fit. I do it for me, but I do it just as much for my spouse because I want her to remain attracted to me and I'd never want her to assume I take her for granted.

 

So aside from suggestions about how I best approach this, here are some questions I'm hoping the ladies reading this posting can offer with some reasonable and insightful explanations.

 

1. Why do women after marriage sometimes let themselves go? Before anyone is offended (I don't want anything thrown at me), I do realize that this same issue often applies to men in marriage as well. Is there a psychology as to why this happens so frequently? Is it just laziness or complacency?

 

2. Should I feel like she takes me for granted? I'm not sure if I should feel that way, but the fact is that I do feel that way. I can't help the way I feel.

 

3. Why do I feel like this reflects on me somehow? She knows that I'm into fitness and that I'm a health-focused individual, but it has never seemed to motivate her or rub off on her in the least.

 

Any practical advice is welcome. Thanks!

[grays]

1.) I dont know that its necessarily true that people do this, but I have been in love twice in my life. The first time I gained 40 pounds in a matter of weeks. The second time is recent, met him 4 months ago, I've gained 15 pounds and am fighting with myself every day to my pre-guy eating patterns but having a hard time. I'm afraid that this is what its like when Im really blissed out.

 

2.) She is not taking you for granted. In fact, she is probably worrying about this for practically every minute of every day, hoping that she can get control of it, hoping that you don't notice each new pound, hoping that youre still attracted to her.

 

3.) I don't know why you would take this personally. Its really about her and her chemistry/genetics and her relationship with food. I think some people do gain weight as a defense mechanism in certain situations but I don't see any reason to believe that here.

[anika99]

Does your wife complain of hormonal problems? Does she miss periods or complain about unusually heavy periods. Does she mention sleeplessness, sudden sweats or hot flashes? At mid forties she is probably perimenopausal and possibly even near menopause. Women often get accused of "letting themselves go" around the peri and post menopausal years but actually our bodies sort of turn on us. I used to eat as much and as often as I wanted. I excercised moderately and barely paid attention to nutrition, yet I always looked fit and lean. If I did gain a pound or two I could just cut my calories a little bit and those pounds would melt away.

 

Now some people might look at me and say I've let myself go meanwhile I'm dieting and excercising more than I ever have in my whole life. It takes a ton of discipline and effort just to drop 2 or 3 pounds and those pounds will come back almost overnight if I drop the ball for a day or two. I've had to completely change my diet just to STOP gaining, nevermind losing. The more I practice maintaining a healthy diet and excercise the easier it gets but it's been a journey that makes I've been working on for a few years now.

 

So maybe your wife hasn't let herself go. Maybe she's doing the same things she's always done but her body is changing along with her hormones. If she's never dieted and excercised then this is going to be hard on her. I would suggest a complete physical with her doctor including getting her hormone levels checked. Then she will need to read up on what changes she can expect in the near future and what steps she can take to counter or lessen those changes. There is a wealth of people info online regarding pre and post menopause. Excersise is an absolute must to maintain muscle and prevent bone loss. It also keeps the blood pressure stable and the heart strong. These problems creep up on women a lot sooner than women realize. Menopause may be 5 or 7 years away but the symptoms start years before.

 

I'm not sure how you can bring this up with your wife without offending her. Most women are well aware that they have gained weight and don't need to be told. However your wife may not have considered that it's hormonal and not her fault. If you could find a gentle way to work that into a conversation that may alleviate any feelings of shame she has been feeling about her weight and inspire her to seek medical advice regarding what changes she should be making.

[basil67]

Yes, given her low self esteem you will destroy her if you bring this up. And are we talking morbid obesity here or just overweight? Has her doctor raised the issue of her weight? What does she say about her own weight?

 

My advice is to wait till she brings the subject up. If she complains or asks for help or starts talking about weight loss programs, then it's your time to offer.

 

In answer to your questions:

 

Should I feel like she takes me for granted? Her weight isn't about you or how she feels about you. I know you say that you keep your weight in check so that she will know you don't take her for granted and she stays attracted to you, but she apparently doesn't think like you do. I can't speak for her, but I would never make a connection about someone's weight reflecting how they feel about me.

 

Why do people let themselves go? I'm wondering if your wife really has changed. You say she was overweight when you met, so it's not like you married a gym junkie/health nut. She's probably doing much the same as she always has but her metabolism has changed.

 

Why do I feel like this reflects on me somehow? I can't help you with that one. Her weight isn't about you.

[basil67]

Anika99, I've never seen a better description of menopause and what it does to us. You're spot on.

[Mysterio]

Only thing I can see is if you both work out and eat right together and make it a marriage project. That way its a shared experianced.

[Chilli]

lt is a tough one.

 

l'd put on weight too and when l realized how much l started running and watched food and went back to looking great in about 8mths.

l had plenty of problems and stress too, so what, it made me feel great getting back into shape.

 

But l dunno , my w just couldn't seem to toughen up on herself. She had problems too but her weight was her eating. she always just way over did it especially sweets and chocolate..

l'd lost attraction but in a way l never thought there was any excuses l managed it with just as many stresses and as l say it helped me.

 

lt was really tough , l tried everything , probably 3/4 the wrong things too. She just couldn't watch her food. she would for awhile but always cracked.

We're not together anymore for a lot of reasons but that one was really tough l must admit.

[elaine567]

A doctor friend of mine, she is a GP, says it is almost impossible for a woman to lose weight after the menopause.

So her idea is that it is best if she never puts it on the first place, as losing it afterwards barring illness is not going to happen very easily if at all.

Which ties in directly with Anika's experience.

[nospam99]

Observations (some of which 'should' be obvious since I'm not the Great Guru of Health):

- My own ex-wife, though never 'hot', let herself go after the birth of the last of our children. No amount of suggestion, encouragement, or 'let's do this together' from me or, when they grew up, the kids motivated her to change her lifestyle of no exercise and junk food. In more recent years she would become fatigued just getting out of her chair or walking up a flight of stairs. I don't know the threshold for 'morbidly obese' but the kids said she was.

- I see a lot of people here and elsewhere asserting that they have healthy diets and sufficient exercise. I'll just say assertions don't make reality. I'm certain that going to the gym regularly is not enough. Diet, specifically WHAT you eat and not just counting calories, is a major factor in weight. Same for exercise: just going to the gym by itself means nothing. It's what you do when you're there that counts. The gym can be great for keeping you motivated, meeting other-sex hotties, and they'll have all the equipment for people whose exercise programs depend on something like trainers or free weights. But you can also design your own gym-free exercise program (running, walking, swimming, biking, yoga, tai-chie, pilates, your own free weights) that can be effective if your goals are health and weight control.

- Yes, you have to change as you age to compensate for hormonal changes. Your body will tell you how effectively any compensation is working.

- It's easier said than done Health AND weight control is not a diet or a gym membership. Unless you are blessed by your genetics, it's a lifestyle - every day.

- And mea culpa. I'd not Adonis or Hugh Jackman. I'm overweight. I know exactly what I need to do and don't stick with it (some days are 'good', some 'not so much'). My lame excuse is that I don't have an LTR with a SO to motivate me to git 'er done 'for her'.

[ICEMAN69]

1.) I dont know that its necessarily true that people do this, but I have been in love twice in my life. The first time I gained 40 pounds in a matter of weeks. The second time is recent, met him 4 months ago, I've gained 15 pounds and am fighting with myself every day to my pre-guy eating patterns but having a hard time. I'm afraid that this is what its like when Im really blissed out.

 

2.) She is not taking you for granted. In fact, she is probably worrying about this for practically every minute of every day, hoping that she can get control of it, hoping that you don't notice each new pound, hoping that youre still attracted to her.

 

3.) I don't know why you would take this personally. Its really about her and her chemistry/genetics and her relationship with food. I think some people do gain weight as a defense mechanism in certain situations but I don't see any reason to believe that here.

 

So if I understood your first answer correctly you're saying that when you're happy (blissed out) you tend to overindulge?

 

Thanks for your insights!

[Chilli]

Funny that should come up.

l'm def' not overly happy right now not even close but l am kinda blissed out and l've been pigging out something bad.

 

l understand everything that piles on weight for me though these days so l usually just straighten things out again after a few wks of it and it comes off again.

 

Food is the one biggest thing for me. l can sit around and do nothin but as long as l don't over do the foods that put my weight on , no problemo.

l do have a physical job though, that helps too.

[ICEMAN69]

Does your wife complain of hormonal problems? Does she miss periods or complain about unusually heavy periods. Does she mention sleeplessness, sudden sweats or hot flashes? At mid forties she is probably perimenopausal and possibly even near menopause. Women often get accused of "letting themselves go" around the peri and post menopausal years but actually our bodies sort of turn on us. I used to eat as much and as often as I wanted. I excercised moderately and barely paid attention to nutrition, yet I always looked fit and lean. If I did gain a pound or two I could just cut my calories a little bit and those pounds would melt away.

 

Now some people might look at me and say I've let myself go meanwhile I'm dieting and excercising more than I ever have in my whole life. It takes a ton of discipline and effort just to drop 2 or 3 pounds and those pounds will come back almost overnight if I drop the ball for a day or two. I've had to completely change my diet just to STOP gaining, nevermind losing. The more I practice maintaining a healthy diet and excercise the easier it gets but it's been a journey that makes I've been working on for a few years now.

 

So maybe your wife hasn't let herself go. Maybe she's doing the same things she's always done but her body is changing along with her hormones. If she's never dieted and excercised then this is going to be hard on her. I would suggest a complete physical with her doctor including getting her hormone levels checked. Then she will need to read up on what changes she can expect in the near future and what steps she can take to counter or lessen those changes. There is a wealth of people info online regarding pre and post menopause. Excersise is an absolute must to maintain muscle and prevent bone loss. It also keeps the blood pressure stable and the heart strong. These problems creep up on women a lot sooner than women realize. Menopause may be 5 or 7 years away but the symptoms start years before.

 

I'm not sure how you can bring this up with your wife without offending her. Most women are well aware that they have gained weight and don't need to be told. However your wife may not have considered that it's hormonal and not her fault. If you could find a gentle way to work that into a conversation that may alleviate any feelings of shame she has been feeling about her weight and inspire her to seek medical advice regarding what changes she should be making.

 

I don't think it's those things because as I stated, she was slightly overweight when we met and married. That didn't bother me because it wasn't like over the top and I'm not looking for perfection as I'm far from perfect myself.

 

This isn't something that just happened over the past 3-5 years so it's not hormonal although that could be playing into it over the past year or two, who knows? It's just been a slow process over the past 20 years. She's not really health-minded and she doesn't take stock of calories or trying to eat better. She never has however. She's also less active than she was a few years ago. She has a gym membership but never uses it. And her time on electronic devices has gained momentum of late as it has for many in our current "cyber" world.

 

I would never bring it up as a shaming mechanism. I'd like to be able to approach her with it candidly. But there's no way to do it that I can think of without pulling the rug out from what little self-esteem I've helped her to build up for 20 years.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Do you have a dog? Suggest nightly walks together (you ane her with the dog) after dinner. If you don't have a dog, get one .

[clia]

The other notable part of this issue is that I'm a complete opposite. I watch what I eat. I try to be health-minded. I work out regularly. I stay fit. I do it for me, but I do it just as much for my spouse because I want her to remain attracted to me and I'd never want her to assume I take her for granted.

 

What is your wife doing while you are preparing healthy meals? Do you two eat separately? My husband and I make dinner together most nights. Can you try to do that and just make healthier meals together that you both can eat? Do you grocery shop together?

 

What does your wife do while you are at the gym? Have you tried asking if she wants to join you, to take a class or walk on the treadmill? Have you tried incorporating evening walks around the neighborhood together in the evenings? Have you tried asking her to join you in active activities for fun in your free time -- i.e. bike rides, ice skating, tennis, hiking, volleyball, etc.?

 

You don't have to phrase any of the above as "You're fat and need to lose weight." I'm sure she already knows that. Think of it more as an invitation to spend time together.

 

1. Why do women after marriage sometimes let themselves go? Before anyone is offended (I don't want anything thrown at me), I do realize that this same issue often applies to men in marriage as well. Is there a psychology as to why this happens so frequently? Is it just laziness or complacency?

 

I think time becomes a factor for a lot of people, especially when kids are in the picture. They have trouble finding (or making) the time to go to the gym or workout or take the time to plan out healthy eating options when they are dealing with the demands of work, life, and kids. It's easier to order a pizza or maybe they prefer to take a nap if they get a few spare minutes. Do you two have kids? Does she work? Do you help out equally with work around the house and with the kids? Do you watch the kids for an equal amount of time that she watches them while you are working out or at the gym?

 

2. Should I feel like she takes me for granted? I'm not sure if I should feel that way, but the fact is that I do feel that way. I can't help the way I feel.

 

I'm not really sure what you mean about her taking you for granted.

 

3. Why do I feel like this reflects on me somehow? She knows that I'm into fitness and that I'm a health-focused individual, but it has never seemed to motivate her or rub off on her in the least.

 

Because that's not who she is, and it sounds like she's never been that way since you met her. I don't know why you are expecting her to change now.

Edited January 5, 2018 by clia

[heartbrokenlady]

I’ve struggled with my weight my whole life. Always had to diet and exercise hard to maintain a normal size. Since chemo put me into early menopause, the weight has crept on and it’s like chipping at concrete to get it off.

 

My analogy is my 2 cats. Female was a scrawny alley cat until I had her fixed. Now she is podgy and I have to severely limit her food to 1 pouch of food a day. Boy cat was also an alley cat. He eats 4 punches of cat food a day. He’s scrawny and greedy.

 

 

 

Guys, if your love for your partner stops when she gains weight, it isn’t that deep.

[ICEMAN69]

Yes, given her low self esteem you will destroy her if you bring this up. And are we talking morbid obesity here or just overweight? Has her doctor raised the issue of her weight? What does she say about her own weight?

 

My advice is to wait till she brings the subject up. If she complains or asks for help or starts talking about weight loss programs, then it's your time to offer.

 

In answer to your questions:

 

Should I feel like she takes me for granted? Her weight isn't about you or how she feels about you. I know you say that you keep your weight in check so that she will know you don't take her for granted and she stays attracted to you, but she apparently doesn't think like you do. I can't speak for her, but I would never make a connection about someone's weight reflecting how they feel about me.

 

Why do people let themselves go? I'm wondering if your wife really has changed. You say she was overweight when you met, so it's not like you married a gym junkie/health nut. She's probably doing much the same as she always has but her metabolism has changed.

 

Why do I feel like this reflects on me somehow? I can't help you with that one. Her weight isn't about you.

 

No, not morbid obesity. She's a size 16 and she's average height. But she was a size 10-12 when we met. So as you can see, she's not beyond help, but at the same time it's noticeable.

 

I can't answer what her doctor has discussed with her because she doesn't really fill me in about her doctor visits. If it's ever come up with she and her doctor she'd be unlikely to even pass that on to me because she'd be embarrassed or worry that I'd agree and then start bringing up to her "what the doctor said."

 

As far as what she says about her own weight, not too much. I know she's aware of it but it's not something she openly talks to me about and I've avoided it (for right or for wrong) for all these years because I've been the self-esteem building spouse telling her how beautiful she is, etc. So you can see what a setback that could be for me.

 

She's never ever mentioned a weight loss program. She's not the most disciplined person in the world. She likes her creature comforts and has never really denied herself something that she really wants or craves. In fact a few years ago I suggested we both do weight watchers. I didn't really need it, I was maybe 10 over at the time, but I suggested if we do it together we could be supportive of one another. It was around October when I had that conversation and her response was "yeah, the holidays are coming up, so no thanks." Again, it comes down to the fact that she's incapable of telling herself no when it comes to the things she likes.

 

You are correct that she's never really changed anything about her diet and the weight gain has been slow over these 20 years but it's noticeable as well. And I knew this when I married her so that's somewhat on me, but I guess I figured she'd never really go beyond where she was and I could live with that since I was very fond of her and loved her. At the time we married she was maybe 25 lbs over. Nothing earth shaking.

 

I kind of figured the ladies would tell me that "her weight isn't about you." I get that. I don't happen to think that way myself but I get what you're saying that she doesn't think that way or see it that way. I've known women however who take great stock in how they look from their hair to their toenail polish who have always been very "aware" of their physical appearance and take the time and the effort to go that extra mile. Some are married, some are single, but I'm trying to wrap my brain around why some women who have been married as long as I've been do have that driven self-awareness of trying to be the best that they can be. I realize we're all built differently and what motivates one individual is entirely different from another individual, but I'm very motivated to be the most presentable husband I can be in terms of everything from hygiene to physique, so there's a disconnect for me that I struggle to understand. If I put on say 30 lbs of extra buoyancy I'd be in despair. I'd feel like she'd reject me and rightfully so. I'd be angry with myself, and I'd be ashamed that I let myself get to that point. But most importantly, I'd take action and do something about it.

[amaysngrace]

I envy her. It took her 20 years to go up three dress sizes.

 

It took me only two and a half

[ICEMAN69]

Anika99, I've never seen a better description of menopause and what it does to us. You're spot on.

 

Well this is yet another concern because I think she's entering the early stages of menopause. But this isn't a sudden weight gain issue. It's more like a marathon of 20 years of slow gradual gain. What worries me is that I've read about menopause and the weight gain that comes with that stage of a woman's life and that has me quite worried. I'm asking myself, is she aware of this?

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

If I put on say 30 lbs of extra buoyancy I'd be in despair. I'd feel like she'd reject me and rightfully so. I'd be angry with myself, and I'd be ashamed that I let myself get to that point. But most importantly, I'd take action and do something about it.

 

She probably does feel that way, but lacks the gumption to do something about it.

[ICEMAN69]

In my experience, there really isn't anything you can say or do in this situation. You just have to accept her for what she is now. You can try bringing up the gym or something but I wish you luck there. I think breakups motivate women to work out more than anything else.

 

Okay, I'll breakup with her then and see if that works

[heartbrokenlady]

Okay, I'll breakup with her then and see if that works

 

Oooo you’re a catch!

[wmacbride]

No, not morbid obesity. She's a size 16 and she's average height. But she was a size 10-12 when we met. So as you can see, she's not beyond help, but at the same time it's noticeable.

 

I can't answer what her doctor has discussed with her because she doesn't really fill me in about her doctor visits. If it's ever come up with she and her doctor she'd be unlikely to even pass that on to me because she'd be embarrassed or worry that I'd agree and then start bringing up to her "what the doctor said."

 

As far as what she says about her own weight, not too much. I know she's aware of it but it's not something she openly talks to me about and I've avoided it (for right or for wrong) for all these years because I've been the self-esteem building spouse telling her how beautiful she is, etc. So you can see what a setback that could be for me.

 

She's never ever mentioned a weight loss program. She's not the most disciplined person in the world. She likes her creature comforts and has never really denied herself something that she really wants or craves. In fact a few years ago I suggested we both do weight watchers. I didn't really need it, I was maybe 10 over at the time, but I suggested if we do it together we could be supportive of one another. It was around October when I had that conversation and her response was "yeah, the holidays are coming up, so no thanks." Again, it comes down to the fact that she's incapable of telling herself no when it comes to the things she likes.

 

You are correct that she's never really changed anything about her diet and the weight gain has been slow over these 20 years but it's noticeable as well. And I knew this when I married her so that's somewhat on me, but I guess I figured she'd never really go beyond where she was and I could live with that since I was very fond of her and loved her. At the time we married she was maybe 25 lbs over. Nothing earth shaking.

 

I kind of figured the ladies would tell me that "her weight isn't about you." I get that. I don't happen to think that way myself but I get what you're saying that she doesn't think that way or see it that way. I've known women however who take great stock in how they look from their hair to their toenail polish who have always been very "aware" of their physical appearance and take the time and the effort to go that extra mile. Some are married, some are single, but I'm trying to wrap my brain around why some women who have been married as long as I've been do have that driven self-awareness of trying to be the best that they can be. I realize we're all built differently and what motivates one individual is entirely different from another individual, but I'm very motivated to be the most presentable husband I can be in terms of everything from hygiene to physique, so there's a disconnect for me that I struggle to understand. If I put on say 30 lbs of extra buoyancy I'd be in despair. I'd feel like she'd reject me and rightfully so. I'd be angry with myself, and I'd be ashamed that I let myself get to that point. But most importantly, I'd take action and do something about it.

 

My suggetsion to you is to stop projecting your thoughts and feelings on to her. I read your words ( and maybe it's just me, and if it is, I apologize) you see yourself a certain way ( fit, in shape, attractive) and you value those things about yourself.

 

Those don't seem to be as important to her. I'm also getting the idea that it's not her health you are worried about. It's her appearance and what that does to your self esteem.

 

She wasn't thin when you married her, and I'm sorry, but many women go up a few sizes as they age, just as many men do. It's pretty disingenuous to expect her to become concerned about her weight when she never really was before.

[ICEMAN69]

lt is a tough one.

 

l'd put on weight too and when l realized how much l started running and watched food and went back to looking great in about 8mths.

l had plenty of problems and stress too, so what, it made me feel great getting back into shape.

 

But l dunno , my w just couldn't seem to toughen up on herself. She had problems too but her weight was her eating. she always just way over did it especially sweets and chocolate..

l'd lost attraction but in a way l never thought there was any excuses l managed it with just as many stresses and as l say it helped me.

 

lt was really tough , l tried everything , probably 3/4 the wrong things too. She just couldn't watch her food. she would for awhile but always cracked.

We're not together anymore for a lot of reasons but that one was really tough l must admit.

 

Yeah Chilli I hear that. I'm certainly not a superficial "looks alone" driven man. Many factors come into a marriage and a relationship to make it work. But appearances obviously play a role or you wouldn't have picked that person to marry in the first place right?

 

I would agree with you that my wife as well has never been a person to monitor or gauge herself with regard to food choices. And she does like her chocolate.

 

The funny thing if I am "looks driven" it's more about monitoring myself. I really strive to put out the best version of me that I can. Because I want my wife to remain attracted to me and I want her to be proud of being seen with me. That's why this whole situation is rather alien to me because I'm so 180 degrees different from my wife in this particular area.

[ICEMAN69]

A doctor friend of mine, she is a GP, says it is almost impossible for a woman to lose weight after the menopause.

So her idea is that it is best if she never puts it on the first place, as losing it afterwards barring illness is not going to happen very easily if at all.

Which ties in directly with Anika's experience.

 

That's kind of what I read but at the same time I don't recall seeing any middle-aged chunky women in those photos from Auschwitz. That's not meant to be an offensive remark, just reality.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

That's kind of what I read but at the same time I don't recall seeing any middle-aged chunky women in those photos from Auschwitz. That's not meant to be an offensive remark, just reality.

 

I think the point is that some women have to practically starve themselves to lose weight and it's not a maintainable lifestyle unless you're willing to live with no pleasure. At least from eating.

 

Men and women are very different in the "showing off the spouse" mentality. Men like a hot woman on their arm to show her off, to be proud of her. Women don't think this way, so you maintaining your looks, while a good thing, isn't received the way you might think it is. She's like "oh great, he looks great!" Not, "ooooh I can't wait to go out and show off my hot man!"