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Concern over my teens (probable) relationship.


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Old 3rd January 2018, 7:12 AM   #1
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Concern over my teens (probable) relationship.

I have a dilemma I am having a hard time sorting through. Any opinions will be very welcome.

I am engaged to a wonderful man. Due to be married mid year. This isnít my first rodeo, nor his. We both have one child from previous relationships.

We have all been living together for close to a year now and I strongly suspect, in fact Iím almost positive, that our two kids are seeing each other. My son is 17 in a few months and his daughter has just turned 16. I also believe theyíre sexually active. We have had the sex talk with them both and his daughter is on contraception and they both have access to condoms.

Now obviously when we get married they will become step-siblings. I know biologically and even legally there is no issue but society is funny sometimes. Do you envisage any repercussions?

Iím also concerned about them living together. I would never let my sonís girlfriend live with us, yet here by circumstance, that is exactly what we will have. The ease of access they will have to each other is of concern. Iím not sure thereís much I can do about this though.

We do plan to talk to them about this, but honestly weíre not even sure what we are going to say. We arenít going to tell them to stop, but weíll certainly be setting some house rules. Besides that itís a very touchy subject with two teenagers.

My biggest concern is that they will be home alone for hours every day before we get home from work. I know what it's like to be a teenager, and them being home alone, with a whole house and all that it offers, well, that's temptation at its finest. It's not so much the sex that is my issue but rather the potential frequency of it. I don't want their whole relationship to just be about sex.

So can I put my mind at ease? Should I be worried? Iím happy to hear what anyone has to offer.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 7:44 AM   #2
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Oh wow....tough one. I would definitely sit them both down and talk to them about this together, AND separately. I'd also try to find a solution to them being alone so much! I do think that, regardless of them not being blood-related, they will receive negativity about their relationship should it be found out, and they obviously need to be aware and prepared for this.

This makes me think of a couple of from the show Teen Mom. One of the most popular couples on that show is actually married now after becoming pregnant in a situation just like this, and giving that baby up for adoption. Their biggest issue was not that they were step-siblings, but that the family itself was so dysfunctional. (They are no longer step siblings because the parents got divorced). I know this doesn't help at all, just throwin' it out there.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 8:31 PM   #3
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Not sure if I'll be much help here. I think you've done as much as you can to ensure it's a safe scenario on the contraception side of things, and I feel you've got a fairly open outlook on the (potential) relationship as is. Sure people will have strange reactions but how different is it to (as an example) your sister deciding to date your brother in law?

As for them basing their relationship around sex, I feel as if that's something they will have to use as their own learning experience. The biggest problem I see is the (inevitable?) break up, but they're of an age where they could be moving out of home in the next couple of years anyway so that might take out some of the awkwardness. Or is there other family (say the other parent, grandparents, etc) either of them can stay with?
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Old 4th January 2018, 8:43 AM   #4
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As for them basing their relationship around sex, I feel as if that's something they will have to use as their own learning experience. The biggest problem I see is the (inevitable?) break up, but they're of an age where they could be moving out of home in the next couple of years anyway so that might take out some of the awkwardness. Or is there other family (say the other parent, grandparents, etc) either of them can stay with?
Yes, the breakup is a real concern, but we'll just have to deal with that when and if that happens.

We do have plenty of family close by but I don't really like the message sending one of them to live away from us would send.
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Old 4th January 2018, 9:42 AM   #5
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Why haven't you spoken to your children already? You've been living together for nearly a year and haven't spoken to them about their new family dynamic in a year?
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Old 4th January 2018, 10:35 AM   #6
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Wow, yeah this is definitely a tough situation. I agree with @causiouslyoptimistic, I think it is a good option to sit down with them altogether, but then also individually. Maybe your child will be more likely to be vulnerable in conversation/have a more productive conversation if it was just with you. Given their ages and the fact that they will be alone a significant period of time, it sounds like making them break up isn't an option. Maybe just helping them see the pros/cons of their relationship, given that they will be step siblings is the best bet- that it could be really hard if they break up yet still have to live under the same roof and be siblings.
Good luck and congrats on the engagement!
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Old 4th January 2018, 11:18 AM   #7
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Besides that itís a very touchy subject with two teenagers.
Doesn't matter if it's touchy or not. You're the parents and you set the rules.
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Old 4th January 2018, 2:07 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Jazz77 View Post
I have a dilemma I am having a hard time sorting through. Any opinions will be very welcome.

I am engaged to a wonderful man. Due to be married mid year. This isn’t my first rodeo, nor his. We both have one child from previous relationships.

We have all been living together for close to a year now and I strongly suspect, in fact I’m almost positive, that our two kids are seeing each other. My son is 17 in a few months and his daughter has just turned 16. I also believe they’re sexually active. We have had the sex talk with them both and his daughter is on contraception and they both have access to condoms.

Now obviously when we get married they will become step-siblings. I know biologically and even legally there is no issue but society is funny sometimes. Do you envisage any repercussions?

I’m also concerned about them living together. I would never let my son’s girlfriend live with us, yet here by circumstance, that is exactly what we will have. The ease of access they will have to each other is of concern. I’m not sure there’s much I can do about this though.

We do plan to talk to them about this, but honestly we’re not even sure what we are going to say. We aren’t going to tell them to stop, but we’ll certainly be setting some house rules. Besides that it’s a very touchy subject with two teenagers.

My biggest concern is that they will be home alone for hours every day before we get home from work. I know what it's like to be a teenager, and them being home alone, with a whole house and all that it offers, well, that's temptation at its finest. It's not so much the sex that is my issue but rather the potential frequency of it. I don't want their whole relationship to just be about sex.

So can I put my mind at ease? Should I be worried? I’m happy to hear what anyone has to offer.
I would just ask them if they are dating. Encourage them to
be honest, and you approve that they are.

If they choose to deny then leave it alone.
If choose to admit thank them for being honest.

There is nothing more to say because they already got
the safe sex talk.

For if they are sexually active they will find places and
times to "git'er on"
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Old 4th January 2018, 3:51 PM   #9
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This is a tough one... they really aren't doing anything wrong,but at the same time this could go horribly for your family and tear it apart...

But you can't just tell them to stop, and even if that worked, it doesn't put the genie back in the bottle so to speak, they will be step siblings and ex lovers and it can still tear your family apart.

Sorry, the situation sucks, I wish I had actual advice.
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Old 4th January 2018, 7:47 PM   #10
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Why haven't you spoken to your children already? You've been living together for nearly a year and haven't spoken to them about their new family dynamic in a year?
Of course we've spoken to our kids about out upcoming marriage, just as we spoke to them before we moved in together, just as we spoke to them when we started getting serious with each other, just as we had the sex talk with them.

I didn't for a minute think I needed to include a talk about them having sex with each other. Maybe that's my fault, maybe I should have realized that with two horny teenagers this might have happened, but it honestly never entered my mind.
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Old 4th January 2018, 7:53 PM   #11
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Doesn't matter if it's touchy or not. You're the parents and you set the rules.
Of course we are going to speak to them. We are just trying to work out our strategy. Nut trying to find someone who has lived a similar situation so we can ask about the pros and cons is not easy for obvious reasons.

When I said it was a touchy subject, I didn't mean that we would avoid it, or that we wouldn't set rules. But they are teenagers, it's hard to get them to talk at the best of times. Confronting them about their sex life is touchy, they will likely shut down, that's why we are seeking advice on how to approach this. But make no mistake, we certainly will be dealing with it.
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Old 4th January 2018, 7:58 PM   #12
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This is a tough one... they really aren't doing anything wrong,but at the same time this could go horribly for your family and tear it apart...

But you can't just tell them to stop, and even if that worked, it doesn't put the genie back in the bottle so to speak, they will be step siblings and ex lovers and it can still tear your family apart.

Sorry, the situation sucks, I wish I had actual advice.
That pretty much sums it up. Our only saving grace is their age. If something goes wrong, it's not like they'll have to live under the same roof for the next ten years. They're two great kids, they're smart, they're caring, I think they're a good match... but they're teenagers, and teenagers sometimes make stupid choices. God forbid one of them kisses someone else, the tension in the house would be unbearable.
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Old 4th January 2018, 8:00 PM   #13
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Of course we are going to speak to them. We are just trying to work out our strategy. Nut trying to find someone who has lived a similar situation so we can ask about the pros and cons is not easy for obvious reasons.

When I said it was a touchy subject, I didn't mean that we would avoid it, or that we wouldn't set rules. But they are teenagers, it's hard to get them to talk at the best of times. Confronting them about their sex life is touchy, they will likely shut down, that's why we are seeking advice on how to approach this. But make no mistake, we certainly will be dealing with it.
If I were you, I'd talk to them together about their relationship, but talk specifically about sex separately.....you with your child and your fiance with his child.
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Old 7th January 2018, 9:47 AM   #14
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So we had "the talk", and yes they are in a relationship. And they're happy it's out in the open as they were worried how they were going to tell us and how we would take it.

We set some rules based around respect of the household, namely not when we're home please. We also spoke about frequency and our concerns over that. And that their grades at school had to be maintained. They seemed receptive, but whether they comply will be another story. And honestly, if they don't it's going to be hard to impose any effective punishments. Our only real option would be getting the Grandparents over to "babysit" them until we get home, but that's a pretty big imposition on them.

They had already discussed the whole "brother/sister" thing and had run it by their peers who, according to them anyway, were not the least but concerned.

But, you know how some people like to share too much information? Well my (future) step-daughter is one of those. She approached me and asked to talk, and let's just say I pretty much got a rundown of her entire sex life. Awkward!! I don't know why she did this. She wasn't looking for advice, more validation that what she was doing was ok. Half the things they've already done I hadn't even heard of at their age. It really was awkward, and honestly I didn't really need to know. There was no stopping her. I'm thinking maybe she was testing me or trying to shock me. But to what end?

Not specifically in regards to my kids, but teens today are far too advanced sexually. I mean if you've done it all by your 20's what's left to spice up your life when your married and in you 30's or 40's? No wonder so many marriages fail.

Back on topic. We're pretty pleased with how it went. It's just up to us now to be vigilant and make sure the boundaries we agreed to are respected.
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