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The problem with "nice guys"


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Old 14th December 2017, 11:09 AM   #46
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In my early 30's I had a great sex life. Nothing serious, lots of FWB's, several I had known for years. They had their lives I had mine, and every once in while we would get together.
My work schedule started at 6 in the morning, was finished and home and floating in the pool by 2:15, with a drink. Sleep for a couple of hours, then about the time most people were getting home, I was taking a shower and getting ready to hit the bars. Where I stayed until at least midnight, home for a couple of hours sleep, after maybe a ONS, and it was time to go to work again.
I lived in a large singles only complex, was a good cook, did a lot of grilling, met lots of ladies that way. I had a two bedroom apartment, and the second bedroom was set up for Boudoir photography. I had the back drops, props, lighting. The women would buy the film, and after the shoot, I would return it to them for them to process. I had a good reputation and it was not uncommon for me to answer a knock at my door to find a women I had never met asking if I would be willing to take nude photos of her.
Enter the future wife. She knew about my bad boy ways but was determined to marry me.
Example: She did not get home until after 6 on Fridays, one Friday, a race car friend stopped by at 4 asked for my help, off we went to the track, turned some practice laps, then back to his place to make several changes, that took most of the night, I slept there, then that night back out to the track where he won, so we partied. I did not get home until afternoon on Sunday and never called her.
Another time she came home early on a week night to find me in bed with her best friend. I told her she had a choice, she could get mad and leave or join in.
At the time I was getting a lot of pressure from my family to settle down and start a family. Me being the only one of a dozen grand children capable of passing on the family name.
And the future wife had a fantastic body, foldout material, sex with her was any where, any way any time. If I must settle down with just one woman, why not choose the sexiest one. That and her begging me to change my ways.
I did not love her until I saw her walking down the aisle to take her vows. Then poof, I can be a daddy, have a family, and I totally changed my ways. No more partying, straight home from work, even went to church with her. A nice guy
Six months after the wedding we broke up.
My nice guy days were over

Last edited by 2.50 a gallon; 14th December 2017 at 11:11 AM..
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Old 14th December 2017, 11:42 AM   #47
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Originally Posted by Popsicle View Post
Usually itís mostly because they arenít good looking.
that's a factor but I have met some good looking guys who strike out with the ladies
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Old 14th December 2017, 6:49 PM   #48
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I would agree that unfortunately the problem is when they are just nice, and not good looking. Also, the whole bad boy, blowing hot and cold thing, is only exciting to GIRLS, not WOMEN. Once you mature, you get sick of that crap, and you crave stability, knowing where you stand, feeling safe. Bad boys can't provide that.

Also, one thing I'd highly stress: you can be 100% nice, but please PLEASE have a killer sense of humor. Make jokes, have banter, break into silly songs with the girl, etc. This is super important. I find that often guys who are super nice don't know how to be funny, are constantly scared of saying the wrong thing/sounding inappropriate etc. You can be super funny without being a jackass, and I think some guys don't know how to find that balance. I've lost count at the amount of dates Ive been on with a guy who was perfectly nice but was SO serious, couldn't make a joke, treated the date like it was an interview etc...incredibly boring. So please, for f* sake, have a sense of humor
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Old 14th December 2017, 7:41 PM   #49
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Originally Posted by sdraw108 View Post
Have you heard of the false consensus effect?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/False_consensus_effect

If I "just" want to see panties and bras, I can just live out the rest of my days in strip clubs, and save myself the hard work and effort that comes into building a solid relationship.

I don't do that, because there is far more to a girl than that. Contrary to your belief, not all men are merely walking penises.
We sometimes sit, stand, run, lay down, jump.
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Old 14th December 2017, 7:58 PM   #50
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Usually itís mostly because they arenít good looking.
Add to that:

Average looking at best.

Social skills weak. They can be pleasant, well mannered,
but not natural conversationalists. They don't have the skills
to close the deal with the women. Not meaning that he can't get
them into bed. Just that he can't get dates and if he does the
second date does not follow, so forget the relationships.

Income: with todays goal of $100,000 income being something to
brag and desired by women. The nice guy makes $50,000 a year
and is not going to do better. Though he is considered a good
worker and is able to keep his job. The women will ignore him.

Not fat, but not toned, maybe looks so thin you would think
he is fighting cancer. The women will ignore him.

He showers, shaves, clean clothes everyday. Regular hair cuts.
These things make him a good guy. But not good enough to the
women pass on him.

He's a nice guy. Is the same kiss of death. Just as when a man tells
a friend: do you want to date my cousin.

Yeah, well tell me about her first, well she's got a great personality.

Then we know why she can't get a date on her own.
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Old 16th December 2017, 5:16 PM   #51
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I think this is in the spirit of the thread...

Why won't women date me, a very nice guy?

https://www.newyorker.com/humor/dail...-very-nice-guy

Quote:
Whenever I introduce myself to a woman, I always make sure to slip in the fact that I am a very nice guy. I then proceed to repeat that fact any time thereís a pause in conversation. I think itís important to constantly remind women how nice I am. How else will they be able to figure out that I am such a good, kind man?
..lol..
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Old 17th December 2017, 3:11 AM   #52
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Love all this PC talk about nice guy this and nice guy that. Love the whole about nice being "subjective" and an individual perspective.

Yet, for years movies, songs, and books have clearly define the nice guy and who he is.. the subject has been brought up many time here and the reality is women are not banging down any doors for no nice dudes. Just be honest.


Typical female today defines nice men completely different than what a man defines as a nice guy.

So you always hear responses like nice guys are mostly jerks.. because those women are not dating nice guys... they are dating men who fit what they want and that is what women define as nice guys...

Because nice guys are passive and passive men are usually not jerks or a-holes. They are more submissive, prompt, or caring.

No sweetheart he was a jerk from the get go and you fell for him because he was out of your league, was a challenge or good looking and it back fired. Ive seen so many women have this style of datimg back fire in their faces many times..


There is nothing wrong with the nice guys... its that many women dont want them and when the ole clock starts a ticking, those nice guys start looking alot attractive and stable.

Later they are all in the 30 and over thread crying that they cannot fine a decent or good guy... hmm because all the nice guys are either A. Taken or B. Jaded

Like for 30 years not one good/nice guy has cross their path.

The challenge has now become a challenge.

Don't believe me or agree? Just watch the not so nice guys pick up woman after woman. I know because my friend who was a virgin.. was one and once he snapped out of It was he who saw that many woman are the ones that wear the mask of being nice.
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Old 17th December 2017, 3:15 AM   #53
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nothingtolose View Post
I would agree that unfortunately the problem is when they are just nice, and not good looking. Also, the whole bad boy, blowing hot and cold thing, is only exciting to GIRLS, not WOMEN. Once you mature, you get sick of that crap, and you crave stability, knowing where you stand, feeling safe. Bad boys can't provide that.

Also, one thing I'd highly stress: you can be 100% nice, but please PLEASE have a killer sense of humor. Make jokes, have banter, break into silly songs with the girl, etc. This is super important. I find that often guys who are super nice don't know how to be funny, are constantly scared of saying the wrong thing/sounding inappropriate etc. You can be super funny without being a jackass, and I think some guys don't know how to find that balance. I've lost count at the amount of dates Ive been on with a guy who was perfectly nice but was SO serious, couldn't make a joke, treated the date like it was an interview etc...incredibly boring. So please, for f* sake, have a sense of humor
Point proven...

Crave stability... crave a beta... crave a guy who will step in and take the baggage.

Plan B.

Lol

Just want to show you nice guys what you are...


Plan B.
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Old 17th December 2017, 5:13 AM   #54
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Originally Posted by Sweetfish View Post
Typical female today defines nice men completely different than what a man defines as a nice guy.
Yes, of course we define it differently. It's because "nice guy" is a term which has been manufactured by men for men. It's not a term women use to describe men. Because we don't use the term to describe men, I guess it's hard for us to understand the male perspective. I think most of the time women can't even begin to relate to the way men describe how they think we think about "nice guys"

Yes, a woman may breakup with the line "you're a nice guy but....". In this case, being a "nice guy" is a POSITIVE thing we can say about him. As in, he's good person, but there are other issues which may make the relationship unworkable. But men have gone and turned that one positive women can find into a negative trait. Now the poor dude has nothing going for him. I don't know why men choose to turn the positive into a negative.

In my experience, a lot of women want what we would term as a 'Good Guy' (or in my country, a good bloke). The good guy IS a nice guy, but he's also got other things going for him. He's thoughtful and meets the needs of his partner, but he's not a doormat. He will stand up to her when she's being too demanding. He'll be there for her, but will also be there for his mates. He's well liked by both genders. He's trustworthy. He looks after those who need help. He gets on well with her friends and family. Oh wait...that's my husband.

I'm 50 now and in all my years, I have only known one woman who went after the bad boy type. Most of us could spot the bad boy from a mile off and knew she'd hone in on him. And then we'd be sitting waiting for her to come crying a month or two later with something like "all men are scum". No hon, you just choose scummy men. She was the master of her own misfortune. Meanwhile, we were all getting on with life. Happy with our good blokes.
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Old 17th December 2017, 5:23 AM   #55
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweetfish View Post
Point proven...

Crave stability... crave a beta... crave a guy who will step in and take the baggage.

Plan B.

Lol

Just want to show you nice guys what you are...


Plan B.
Hang on, are you suggesting that a bad boy who blows hot and cold is an alpha? That's not an alpha. That's just a jerk. An alpha is a good and wise person. A natural leader who is respected by both men and women.

Last edited by basil67; 17th December 2017 at 5:26 AM..
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Old 17th December 2017, 6:00 AM   #56
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Yes, of course we define it differently. It's because "nice guy" is a term which has been manufactured by men for men. It's not a term women use to describe men. Because we don't use the term to describe men, I guess it's hard for us to understand the male perspective. I think most of the time women can't even begin to relate to the way men describe how they think we think about "nice guys"

Yes, a woman may breakup with the line "you're a nice guy but....". In this case, being a "nice guy" is a POSITIVE thing we can say about him. As in, he's good person, but there are other issues which may make the relationship unworkable. But men have gone and turned that one positive women can find into a negative trait. Now the poor dude has nothing going for him. I don't know why men choose to turn the positive into a negative.

In my experience, a lot of women want what we would term as a 'Good Guy' (or in my country, a good bloke). The good guy IS a nice guy, but he's also got other things going for him. He's thoughtful and meets the needs of his partner, but he's not a doormat. He will stand up to her when she's being too demanding. He'll be there for her, but will also be there for his mates. He's well liked by both genders. He's trustworthy. He looks after those who need help. He gets on well with her friends and family. Oh wait...that's my husband.

I'm 50 now and in all my years, I have only known one woman who went after the bad boy type. Most of us could spot the bad boy from a mile off and knew she'd hone in on him. And then we'd be sitting waiting for her to come crying a month or two later with something like "all men are scum". No hon, you just choose scummy men. She was the master of her own misfortune. Meanwhile, we were all getting on with life. Happy with our good blokes.


Good and nice are two different words with different
meanings.

The nice guy label for a man is the same kiss of death
as saying she has a nice personality for a woman.

This is the reason they both are single and no date for
Saturday night.
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Old 17th December 2017, 6:07 AM   #57
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Originally Posted by basil67 View Post
Hang on, are you suggesting that a bad boy who blows hot and cold is an alpha? That's not an alpha. That's just a jerk. An alpha is a good and wise person. A natural leader who is respected by both men and women.
Unfortunately you are mistaken.

Being an alpha does not immune a man from being an
A-hole, jerk, loser, or other negative labels.

Being an alpha means he keeps getting the women to
bang while mr nice guy gets a paper towel to play with.

As to being a leader I have seen many men in life that
were leaders though there were not liked or respected.
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Old 17th December 2017, 7:44 AM   #58
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Originally Posted by road View Post
Good and nice are two different words with different
meanings.

The nice guy label for a man is the same kiss of death
as saying she has a nice personality for a woman.

This is the reason they both are single and no date for
Saturday night.
OK, perhaps good and nice used to have the same meaning. But some men have recently twisted the word 'nice' and given it a negative meaning and now use it to describe other men. Or in your case, women too.

To a woman, being nice is a good thing. Have you EVER heard/read a woman complaining "I can only ever find nice guys."? Or what about women complaining "all men are nice."?

It's interesting that you see 'nice women' as being undesirable. Perhaps you're projecting your own preference for horrible women?
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Old 17th December 2017, 8:08 AM   #59
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Originally Posted by road View Post
As to being a leader I have seen many men in life that
were leaders though there were not liked or respected.
I've seen that too
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Old 17th December 2017, 8:28 AM   #60
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What sours a lot of these "nice guys' is that despite everything women actually preach and say, time and time again they see women doing the exact opposite when it comes to who they choose as a mate...These women constantly bang on about how guys should be sweet and chivalrous, respectful and attentive, only to throw their attention at guys that have little to none of these traits...It's almost like the "size doesn't matter" deal...Ask a random woman on the street, and if she's honest, she'll say she prefers a guy have a larger than average dick....But size doesn't matter??

I'd imagine that must be very frustrating.....and the bitterness ensues...

But at the end of the day, what these guys don't get is that there are no "points" or extra credit for just being nice...You can be nice and women will love that aspect of your personality, but there better be more of the other qualities (good looks. body, strong and self assured, good career, confidence, etc)...

TFY
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