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Dilemma (need to date again....)


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As 2018 is approaching, I’m faced with a very important decision that I need to take for my 2018 resolutions (which I’m taking dead seriously).

 

I’m a woman, 33. Introverted, self-sufficient, loner by nature.

 

Past 5 years I’ve spend in relationships. After my break up with my last ex, I took some time off the dating scene that I thoroughly enjoyed and allowed me to catch up with things in my life I’ve been postponing because of my then-bfs.

 

Now, I realized hate dating with all my heart and I’m very happy single. BUT problems start here: 1) I want kids and I realize my days of fertility are on their count down (and I believe male role model in child’s life is necessary so the single mom route is not for me) 2)I enjoy partnered sex (and am completely against casual encounters) 3) Sans the ‘romance’, I enjoy meeting men for inspiration (I’m super careful preselecting for individuals that have the capacity to inspire me and feed me new ideas).

 

I feel like I’m stuck. I have to date because of 1), 2) and 3), but I feel like I’m betraying myself by doing so. What are the solutions for people like me? Getting someone low maintenance for kids/sex/ideas and otherwise keep minimal connection with him? Sounds bad but I really don’t know what else will suit me.

 

I need to craft this into my 2018 dating profile if I’d venture into dating once again :sick:, so I need advice how to make it sound acceptable & not weird, and minimize the actual ‘dating game’ (the so dreadful to me ‘romancing’, ‘lovey’ expressions and ‘goofy’ ‘cuteness’). In short: my dating goal will be 2 singles coexisting vs a ‘we’-faking couple, but I don’t know how to get there.

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Dating is not the same as being in a relationship. Plenty of people hate dating, but enjoy being in a relationship. The point of dating is just to find the person who you want to be in a relationship with. Unfortunately, you really can't skip that process, although some people get lucky and find the right person for them right away. Everyone else just has to suck it up and do it.

 

Or are you saying you don't even want to be in a relationship?

 

I need to craft this into my 2018 dating profile if I’d venture into dating once again :sick:, so I need advice how to make it sound acceptable & not weird, and minimize the actual ‘dating game’ (the so dreadful to me ‘romancing’, ‘lovey’ expressions and ‘goofy’ ‘cuteness’). In short: my dating goal will be 2 singles coexisting vs a ‘we’-faking couple, but I don’t know how to get there.

 

If you aren't into romance and lovey dovey, goofy, stuff, just say that in your profile. Be explicit. And just avoid dating men who are mushy like that -- there are plenty of them out there. I honestly think you should just explicitly say what you are looking for in your profile.

 

What is a "'we'-faking couple"?

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Yeah I am one of these people: I enjoy the stage of established relationship but can’t stomach the early stages.

 

“We”-faking - I meant people that start believing they are an entity with their partner. Referring to “we” when they actually talk about themselves. Posting “couple” picture on social media as their profile picture. Basically losing identity in a desperate try to appear like ‘happily coupled’.

 

My profiles are always super dry to avoid mushy men, and yet I get the “Hello pretty” and subsequent “compliments”. If I put ‘no mushy men allowed to message me’ it comes across as demanding/controlling...

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Who said *if you cannot change it then change your perception of it*

 

In 2018 half of children are raised by single mothers and grow up to be fully functional citizens. How many times we came across someone who had accomplished something outstanding and they owed it all to their single mom, among them 3 US Presidents were raised by single mothers.

 

I think if your desire for children is THAT intense then DO IT and do not use the excuse they need a male role model, find them one he just doesn't need to be married to you, it could be a brother, cousin, a male friend, a mentor.

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Yeah I am one of these people: I enjoy the stage of established relationship but can’t stomach the early stages.

 

“We”-faking - I meant people that start believing they are an entity with their partner. Referring to “we” when they actually talk about themselves. Posting “couple” picture on social media as their profile picture. Basically losing identity in a desperate try to appear like ‘happily coupled’.

 

My profiles are always super dry to avoid mushy men, and yet I get the “Hello pretty” and subsequent “compliments”. If I put ‘no mushy men allowed to message me’ it comes across as demanding/controlling...

 

Unfortunately we (women) all get those types of creepy messages and they have nothing to do with what's written in your profile. I don't think of that type of message as mushy...but more "Silence of the Lambs." ;)

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@No_Go

 

I don't know about people who are in relationships but when two people are married, they do actually become ONE, one entity. The goal is to join with your life partner without actually losing yourself - being one entity but still being an individual at the same time. Many ppl struggle with this though. It is hard to find that balance but as long as you're always working towards it then your life partnership/marriage will be more healthy, I believe.

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Actually good point. Kids raised by single moms are grow up fully functional. The idea still bugs me a bit because usually it happens due to circumstances not by choice, so I need to push myself through a big inhibition to do it by choice.

 

However, I have better chances to find someone that I enjoy being around if the time pressure (aka declining fertility) is off the table.

 

Who said *if you cannot change it then change your perception of it*

 

In 2018 half of children are raised by single mothers and grow up to be fully functional citizens. How many times we came across someone who had accomplished something outstanding and they owed it all to their single mom, among them 3 US Presidents were raised by single mothers.

 

I think if your desire for children is THAT intense then DO IT and do not use the excuse they need a male role model, find them one he just doesn't need to be married to you, it could be a brother, cousin, a male friend, a mentor.

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@No_Go

 

I don't know about people who are in relationships but when two people are married, they do actually become ONE, one entity. The goal is to join with your life partner without actually losing yourself - being one entity but still being an individual at the same time. Many ppl struggle with this though. It is hard to find that balance but as long as you're always working towards it then your life partnership/marriage will be more healthy, I believe.

 

I’ve thought about this. I’m very reluctant to get there which makes me think marriage will be a mistake for me in particular. Social pressure is a very strong force though...

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I’ve thought about this. I’m very reluctant to get there which makes me think marriage will be a mistake for me in particular. Social pressure is a very strong force though...

 

There's a majority of married couples who aren't faking. Please work on accepting that.

 

Your issue isn't social pressure. That is not a thing. You're independent enough. Stop pretending there's an outside force out there that is putting pressure on your to find a partner and marry. You're putting that pressure on yourself. Now the question is: why are you putting that pressure on yourself?

 

As far as I can tell, your issue is that you're avoidant. So you want a relationship but for some reason, you subconsciously suppress that desire and act like you don't want it. Hence the contradiction that you note in your OP.

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I must say OP, your desires sound very difficult to meet--almost self-contradictory.

 

No well-adjusted man will want to be part of a "'we'-faking couple" (whatever that means) complete with children and the commitment of raising them, to a woman who doesn't inspire him towards romance. I mean, he is either looking to fall in love with someone to be all mushy with and (possibly or possibly not) have children with, OR he plans on enjoying his freedom, without having to have the commitment of raising and caring for kids.

 

So I'd say your choices are that a) you are either looking to fall in love and have a family, b) you are looking for a sometimes-companion without the children, or even c) you are a single mom. MEanwhile there is hardly "Societal pressure". Plenty of women are enjoying being single in their 30s, 40s, and beyond.

 

Good luck....

Edited by Imajerk17
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No_go: You said so many times you're a loner, you need a lot of alone time to recharge, you are not into all that mushy emotional show of love, you're self-sufficient as in you don't need anyone else. Having children is all the contrary of that. Once a child is there there is no-more me-time, it's gone poof! You'll have a hard time finding 2 minutes alone in the bathroom. Children are dependent physically AND emotionally on you 24/7. They will invade every facet of your life and your brain. You will not own a minute of your time and this for years. If you cannot stand a life partner who's a grown up you can negotiate with how will you be able to stand children that won't give a heck about your need of alone time?

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G for some reason children do not bother me the same way adults do. Also mushiness with children (them to me) doesn't bother me at all - because it is genuine and it shows. I just don't believe 99.99% of 'lovey' expressions of adults, that's why I dislike it. Children tend to speak their mind for good and bad, and also when they need me - they actually need me - it is not some kind of a theater I need to participate in (which is how I feel in a relationship with a grown up).

 

Of course it is hard to tell before having kids at home full time, but my experiences with kids of others, pets etc - make me think I'd be very ok with caregiving role (or maybe just my bio-clock is ticking out loud and blurring my reasoning ;) ).

 

 

No_go: You said so many times you're a loner, you need a lot of alone time to recharge, you are not into all that mushy emotional show of love, you're self-sufficient as in you don't need anyone else. Having children is all the contrary of that. Once a child is there there is no-more me-time, it's gone poof! You'll have a hard time finding 2 minutes alone in the bathroom. Children are dependent physically AND emotionally on you 24/7. They will invade every facet of your life and your brain. You will not own a minute of your time and this for years. If you cannot stand a life partner who's a grown up you can negotiate with how will you be able to stand children that won't give a heck about your need of alone time?
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See - I can't express myself properly on this topic. I *want* to love and be loved - I don't want the theatrical play around it - aka "romance".

 

The societal pressure is to have kids within a couple, not to be in a couple per se. Sans kids I'd never ever actively look for a partner - if it happens - cool, if it never happens - equally cool.

 

I must say OP, your desires sound very difficult to meet--almost self-contradictory.

 

No well-adjusted man will want to be part of a "'we'-faking couple" (whatever that means) complete with children and the commitment of raising them, to a woman who doesn't inspire him towards romance. I mean, he is either looking to fall in love with someone to be all mushy with and (possibly or possibly not) have children with, OR he plans on enjoying his freedom, without having to have the commitment of raising and caring for kids.

 

So I'd say your choices are that a) you are either looking to fall in love and have a family, b) you are looking for a sometimes-companion without the children, or even c) you are a single mom. MEanwhile there is hardly "Societal pressure". Plenty of women are enjoying being single in their 30s, 40s, and beyond.

 

Good luck....

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See - I can't express myself properly on this topic. I *want* to love and be loved - I don't want the theatrical play around it - aka "romance".

 

Have you explored why you consider a gesture of love as a theatrical play? When growing up were your parents expressive toward each other? Or maybe they were a fake-couple and that's why you're more comfortable with it?

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Maybe you're right, maybe I'm right. here is no way to tell.

 

By societal pressure I meant reproducing within a couple (marriage, LTR), not being in a couple. I've never had this issue - I've always been ashamed when I have to admit I'm "coupled" if you check my past threads over the years - I made many threads about it, my own family doesn't know anything about my 'dating' life existence although lived with a couple of men.

 

Avoidant - maybe. Are you talking about attachment type? I'd say anxious more than avoidant - from tests that I've taken in the past.

 

There's a majority of married couples who aren't faking. Please work on accepting that.

 

Your issue isn't social pressure. That is not a thing. You're independent enough. Stop pretending there's an outside force out there that is putting pressure on your to find a partner and marry. You're putting that pressure on yourself. Now the question is: why are you putting that pressure on yourself?

 

As far as I can tell, your issue is that you're avoidant. So you want a relationship but for some reason, you subconsciously suppress that desire and act like you don't want it. Hence the contradiction that you note in your OP.

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Have you explored why you consider a gesture of love as a theatrical play? When growing up were your parents expressive toward each other? Or maybe they were a fake-couple and that's why you're more comfortable with it?

 

Mainly from what I've seen in my own life (friends etc).

 

My parents' relationship was nightmarish - I don't think they even faked romance :lmao:. They never divorced and stayed together until my father passed but this was IMO a total sacrifice of my mother's life, he was never even respectful towards her... Anyway, I'm not using them as an example because I was very aware very early on that what I see at home is not an exapmple of functional couple.

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My advice would be throw it out there to the universe -- the kind of man / partner you want. I had read somewhere that you should write letters to your future partner, as if you already knew him, talking about

 

 

You seem to like relationships but not the getting to know you early stages when things are unsettled & the "audition" is still occurring.

 

 

Try telling friends & family that you are open to being fixed up with the right kind of guy.

 

 

Also consider a real matchmaking service ($$$) or at least paying for something like e-harmony. I didn't meet my true love there but I was impressed with the business model . . . that personality assessment is a p.i.t.a. but everybody I met was a serious, quality person who was looking for a long term commitment. Nobody goes through that personality quiz without some level of investment because it does take a long time. It's too easy to just swipe on some free sites.

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Maybe you're right, maybe I'm right. here is no way to tell.

 

 

This is not a matter of personal opinion. Surveys show that a majority of couples are happy. And that people who are in happy marriages really benefit from them.

 

Does that mean their relationships are perfect? Heck no. Every couple faces challenges. But nowadays, with separation and divorce being easier, happy couples are "over-represented" among married couples.

 

And yes I meant attachment style. You might be anxious-avoidant. So anxious that you've convinced yourself that love isn't real. Certainly, your beliefs about all relationships being fake are strongly suggestive of an avoidant attachment style, as is your desire to "be inspired" and admire the man you date.

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My parents' relationship was nightmarish - I don't think they even faked romance :lmao:. They never divorced and stayed together until my father passed but this was IMO a total sacrifice of my mother's life, he was never even respectful towards her... Anyway, I'm not using them as an example because I was very aware very early on that what I see at home is not an exapmple of functional couple.

 

The way I see it you want to repeat your mom's pattern. You want to find a man with whom you'll have no emotional connection. He'll be a sperm donor and a room-mate. Sure you don't want the disrespect but in all other aspect it would be the same.

 

I say go have that kid. Companionship isn't a priority to you so it can come later.

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I actually love filling questionnaires so I don’t find eHarmony’s one annoying.

 

I met my most recent ex there and it was terrible, that’s why I’m kind of on the fence for eH...

 

I’ve been considering match making. I just... don’t trust matchmakers enough, if

I find one that I trust - I’ll pay the $$ willingly...

 

The universe - I’m doing something like this as a hobby - creating spreadsheets and files about how a future mate will fit in. Maybe that’s s why I’m so anxious to date again - I’ve been thinking and overthinking it...

 

My advice would be throw it out there to the universe -- the kind of man / partner you want. I had read somewhere that you should write letters to your future partner, as if you already knew him, talking about

 

 

You seem to like relationships but not the getting to know you early stages when things are unsettled & the "audition" is still occurring.

 

 

Try telling friends & family that you are open to being fixed up with the right kind of guy.

 

 

Also consider a real matchmaking service ($$$) or at least paying for something like e-harmony. I didn't meet my true love there but I was impressed with the business model . . . that personality assessment is a p.i.t.a. but everybody I met was a serious, quality person who was looking for a long term commitment. Nobody goes through that personality quiz without some level of investment because it does take a long time. It's too easy to just swipe on some free sites.

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. . .. I had read somewhere that you should write letters to your future partner, as if you already knew him, talking about . . .

 

 

 

Just realized I didn't finish that thought.

 

 

Write letters talking about your relationship, how you feel, things you do together etc. Dating the letter is important. You write the letter, then put it away.

 

 

I did this. I had a little collection of about 6 letters. I stopped writing them when I started dating my husband. I can't tell you how long before I had met him that I had written the last one but I'd say a few months. I usually only did this when I was home alone on a Saturday night. It was nice to day dream about what would be when I met this future mate of mine.

 

 

I took the letters out again right before DH moved in with me, about 3 months before our wedding. I had been intending to throw them out but I decided to read them just to see what they said. I didn't really remember. I was astounded to realize that I could have actually written them to him & that we did many of the things I talked about in the letters.

 

 

So when we got home from our Honeymoon I gave the letters to my new husband. He was befuddled because he didn't understand why I didn't send them to him when I wrote them. I told him to look at the dates. Then he was annoyed because he thought I wrote them to another guy; remember each letter was dated months before I met him. I explained what the letters were & why I wrote them then directed him back to the first letter, where it spelled out what I was doing. It was pretty cool.

 

 

The only thing that didn't come true was his height; DH is shorter then the guy in my letter but I still know they were meant for him.

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As others have astutely noted, no man in his right mind is going to agree to as dramatic a commitment as children without caring deeply for the person who helps him raise/create those children. You can have "kids" as a priority, but "kids without romance and affection" isn't gonna happen.

 

You are obviously very anxious (I am one of the most anxious people on Earth and am qualified to judge) but I think your biggest problem is your extreme contempt for romance in general. You say you think all happy couples are faking it, you think people saying "we" is foolish, you think gestures of affection are dumb. Everyone is different, but at the end of the day if you have this much disgust for fundamental elements of romantic connection, you aren't going to get anywhere. It's like saying you want to buy a car but round wheels are a deal breaker.

 

Do you know what a happy, healthy relationship would look like for you? Can you envision the kind of situation you want?

 

(And for what it's worth, I know waaaaay too many well-adjusted people raised by single parents. Many are from divorce, but others lost their parents to sickness or violence. Even marriage isn't a guarantee that your kid will grow up with both of you.)

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Do some women really think all kids need and have a father for is a roll model or it's just fine to purposely have kids but no father for them.

Sure those poor kids can survive and grow up and be anything but do you really think they don't grow up wishing for their father.

l've been around it, and cried at what l see what the kids "really" go through. l've even had them ask me to be their dad. That's the real story.

 

Anyway , maybe you could meet someone that was interested in being in some kind of perminate real relationship or marriage but just part time .

A lot of men would probably love a part time marriage and hate the day in day out restriction of full time marriage.

 

l'd probably still be married if l could've had 2 or 3 days a wk out .

 

lf ya do the date site thing , should just put it all out there , to hell with it , see what happens, never now the perfect guy might come along and loves the idea.

Edited by Chilli
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I think there are two separate points intertwined here:

 

1) People in relationships are happier long term - I agree - this has to do with reduced stress - i.e. less moving parts in one's live. I've experienced similar stress-relief when I bought my home - no more renting, moving etc - the sense of security made me happier. I can see similar thing happening in marriage and/or long-term cohabitation.

 

2) People in relationships are in love / romance - I personally don't believe that. Maybe some are. Most are not IMO - but I can't prove it because a good honest statistical tool is NOT available :)

 

I'm curious though for one thing: why my desire to admire / be inspired by the man I date is a sign of avoidance? I put it in the same box as where peope want a beautiful woman to date (get inspired by her beauty) or a successful man (being inspired by his power). In my case I need a man that I admire intellectually and spiritually in a very specific way, but I don't see it as being much different by the two examples I gave.

 

This is not a matter of personal opinion. Surveys show that a majority of couples are happy. And that people who are in happy marriages really benefit from them.

 

Does that mean their relationships are perfect? Heck no. Every couple faces challenges. But nowadays, with separation and divorce being easier, happy couples are "over-represented" among married couples.

 

And yes I meant attachment style. You might be anxious-avoidant. So anxious that you've convinced yourself that love isn't real. Certainly, your beliefs about all relationships being fake are strongly suggestive of an avoidant attachment style, as is your desire to "be inspired" and admire the man you date.

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