If you could give ONE relationship tip to someone younger, what would it be?

[Nothingtolose]

I am 33 year old woman, not old, but not that young anymore. Funnily enough, I've had a couple of conversations with girls in their early 20s this year and they asked if there was anything I regretted relationship-wise or any advice I'd give...I thought for a little while and this was my response:

 

If I could go back in time 10 years, I would have NOT wasted my time with douchebags. I would have NOT been afraid of ending bad relationships, and would have not dragged on for years something that clearly was wrong for me and not going anywhere. I was drawn to the wrong guys, fixer uppers. I had lots of nice guys interested in me, yet I had no interest in them, because I wanted a challenge. Boy, did that approach come back to bite me in the ass.

 

Now I'm single in my 30s, with a large portion of my friends married with kids, to good guys who treat them like queens. I could have had that, if I hadn't been drawn to trouble. Sure, a lot of it comes from childhood traumas/daddy issues etc which I have worked on over the last few years, but it's so much harder finding the relationship I want now that I'm in my 30s.

 

The trouble is, you think you have time. Only yesterday I was 24, ending a 6 year relationship, and going on to a string of unsuccessful relationships with not so great men. Time has flown by, sometimes I can hardly believe it myself.

 

So if you're a woman in your early 20s reading this, please, do not waste your time with jerks. Learn to listen to your gut and stop chasing men who blow hot and cold and are inconsistent with your feelings. Learn to appreciate men who provide comfort and stability, and always let you know where you stand. I appreciate those guys so much more now, but most of them are now married with kids, to women who were smarter than I was in my 20s.

 

What's your advice to younger people? Perhaps I can hear some from people in their 40s/50s/60s that may be helpful for my 33 year old self

[alphamale]

What's your advice to younger people? Perhaps I can hear some from people in their 40s/50s/60s that may be helpful for my 33 year old self

 

great question. my advice would be to not be too nice and always keep your own self interests at heart

[amaysngrace]

wear a condom

[alphamale]

wear a condom

 

:laugh:...

[nospam99]

What's your advice to younger people? Perhaps I can hear some from people in their 40s/50s/60s that may be helpful for my 33 year old self

 

I'm 63, male. Just got the divorce 'settled' this year. But my 30+ year relationship 'went south' LONG before so this is the same 'advice' I'd have offered in my 50s: Beware that sometimes when people (SOs included) change, the change is to become more irresponsible, immature, and selfish. The farthest thing from one's mind (mine at least) when the bloom is on the rose of a relationship, including marriage, is to get a pre-nup. Emotionally it feels like you're expecting the relationship to fail, which is the last thing you want. But if you can, do get one. For you, Nothingtolose, or any woman near your age, my 'advice' is almost not applicable. As discussed on many threads on LS, the 'pairing off' process is SO different for women and men. Advice from one of the 40/50/60 women who participate here will be more useful to you.

[todreaminblue]

48 year old woman..my advice in point form to 20 somethings

 

 

..never become a hooker......

 

bad guys are like junk food......make you fat and unhealthy or skinny and unhealthy depending on the eating disorder

 

good guys are healthy food......for your soul....and your body.....they are more attentive as lovers.....translation.... mad sex with an attentive lover.....

 

 

if they wait for you to be ready ....then thats a good guy...if they pressure you for sex when you arent ready thats a bad egg....

 

 

good guys are like low calorie chocolate that actually tastes as good as it looks...which is hard to find....rare....and worth keeping.......

 

if you dont have a good guy yet and really want a good guy never give up on one happening your way....and hold out for him..wait for that guy......deb

[hippychick3]

OP, I am am more than 10 years older than you. I divorced 5 years ago and will tell you that you are still young and that there are plenty of good, decent men out there who are your age and older. Don’t give up, don’t settle, and go out there with a positive attitude

[Eternal Sunshine]

OP I am 5 years older than you.

 

At your age, there are still decent guys left. Not as many as when when you were in your 20s, but some. Once you pass the mid 30 mark, the decline is rapid to virtually nobody left.

 

So get out, look around, do OLD. You have about 2-3 key years. After that, you may as well give up.

[lana-banana]

If I had to pick just one piece of advice, it would probably be "never give more than you get". Don't go all-in on someone who isn't doing the same for you. Don't send a dozen texts for his every message; keep it equal. Never break your back trying to make something work. If he isn't getting serious then neither should you.

 

I have heard that the dating scene changes dramatically in your 30s. Is it true?

[somanymistakes]

Grass ain't always greener. Don't get obsessed with the idea that you "need" to date around and score a pile of partners in your college years, don't break up a good thing just because you're afraid that you're "missing out". You may not actually find all those partners even if you're single, and it may not be that much fun if you do. Judge your current relationship by whether you're happy in that relationship as it is, not because you think there might be some magical perfect thing elsewhere.

 

On the exact opposite side, don't marry someone you've only been dating for a year or less, no matter how much in love you think you are. The early rush of love wears off! And then you may be stuck in a mess that's hard to get out of and leave a lot of hurt feelings behind you.

[jjgitties]

..Learn to appreciate men who provide comfort and stability, and always let you know where you stand. I appreciate those guys so much more now, but...

 

^^ but you weren't attracted to men like that in your 20s.. what makes you sure you are attracted to those types now? because all your friends are married and have kids and you dont have that and you want to be like them? or is it because you think you have changed?

 

personally, i have found that the types of people that you are attracted to and the types of people that get attracted to you does not change. i have always somehow for whatever reason been attracted to complex moody women... and complex moody women seemed to always have been attracted to me and i wound up in relationships with them. i always wanted or dreamed of getting into a relationship with a "straight cut" well adjusted type woman -- but it's never happened and those straight cut well adjusted ones were never attracted to me. this didnt change when i was in my 20s, 30s, or 40s.

[jjgitties]

What's your advice to younger people? Perhaps I can hear some from people in their 40s/50s/60s that may be helpful for my 33 year old self

 

I forgot to add my advice.

 

Try to follow your heart and your gut. Its very very hard to follow either one and it take a very self assured person to believe in themself to such an extent to follow their gut.

[alphamale]

i have always somehow for whatever reason been attracted to complex moody women...

 

in my experience most women are complex and moody

[salparadise]

Older man here, with 23 year marriage and a couple of longish relationships since in the rearview mirror. My advice would be to learn as much as you can about the psychology of personalities, attachment and the dynamics of healthy and unhealthy relationships. And learn what needs of your own are generating attraction and attachment to the opposite sex. This applies equally for women and men.

 

From my perspective there are a few key distinctions that can be made for everyone... 1. Attachment styles, 2. Personality types (and recognizing disorders), 3. Self awareness/introspection/empathy (or lack thereof), and last but not least, 4. does a person genuinely, deeply attach to others, or is it more egoic in nature; that is, based on what they receive, and how the other makes them feel about themselves. A person's ability to love outwardly (other-focused) is directly associated with inherent belief in their own worthiness.

 

Also realize that pretty much everyone is attracted based on a subconscious imago of their opposite sex parent, or some combination of same sex/opposite sex parents or primary caregivers. Most likely the one who was more critical and less accepting. I just love it when people deny this... always interesting to hear the denials and justifications.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Make sure your partner respects you and your needs and interests and truly wants you to be YOUR best person and will support you in that, and you need to be the same for them.

 

Respect, respect, respect.

[Gaeta]

I was married at 20, a mother at 21 and a divorcée at 33.

 

20 years later now and looking back my advice to younger women is take your time, you'll never run out of men to date, wait for the right guy to come along.

 

If I could turn back time I would not marry my first bf, I would travel, work on a carrer, date around, get to know myself and then I know I'd be making the right decision when I pick a partner.

[jjgitties]

The chocolate analogy is right

The good healthy chocolates get taken quick, the ones that remain? ....well they look good but something must be wrong with them

 

There are elements of truth to that. This same analogy applied to males that are getting older and have not settled down and married. Sometimes there is a very good reason why they aren't married. Other times it was bad luck in the relationship world.

[Nothingtolose]

^^ but you weren't attracted to men like that in your 20s.. what makes you sure you are attracted to those types now? because all your friends are married and have kids and you dont have that and you want to be like them? or is it because you think you have changed?

 

personally, i have found that the types of people that you are attracted to and the types of people that get attracted to you does not change. i have always somehow for whatever reason been attracted to complex moody women... and complex moody women seemed to always have been attracted to me and i wound up in relationships with them. i always wanted or dreamed of getting into a relationship with a "straight cut" well adjusted type woman -- but it's never happened and those straight cut well adjusted ones were never attracted to me. this didnt change when i was in my 20s, 30s, or 40s.

 

I just know now that those men are nothing but trouble, and I do not have the energy for it anymore. On the outside, I appeared confident, attractive etc, but on the inside, I had lots of childhood wounds I hadn't healed, I was an insecure mess, and ended up drawn to men who were also 'broken'. I had this strong desire to "fix" them and change my own story, prove to myself that I was worthy, that I could save someone, and that they could save me. Back then, I listened to a lot of really depressing music too, I saw beauty in chaos, in 2 messed up people coming together and 'healing' together. People who just naturally had their **** together seemed a little 'boring' to me, and like they could not possibly understand or accept my flaws.

 

Then I learned that in reality, those type of relationships are far from the 'beautiful mess' poetry would lead you to believe. You put together two people who aren't emotionally healthy, and the combination is TOXIC. They drain each other, and the combined insecurities, poor communication skills etc, is a recipe for disaster, with often one (or both) people leaving the relationship with more baggage and scars than they entered it.

 

My last relationship was the nail in the coffin for me, when it comes to people with issues. The whole thing just caused me so much grief, I decided I was done. During the relationship I realized all the work I needed to do on myself and got to it: I went back to counselling and really dug deep into my childhood wounds, started reading a lot on the subject, as well as attachment styles, commitment phobia, and a ton of other topics related to human behaviour, neuroscience and relationships. I started meditating and journalling - all things I'd never done before. And I finally worked up the courage to leave my toxic relationship and my boyfriend who was unwilling to work on his own issues.

 

It makes me happy to see that now I am actually not attracted at all anymore when I see that someone is around my age or older and still don't have their **** together emotionally. I completely lose interest in guys that play hot and cold, have issues with intimacy and stability, don't know what they want, play mind games etc. It's no longer an effort to cut them off, it feels like a natural process. By the same token, I'm way more drawn to emotionally mature men, who are more in line with who I am striving to be now, as a person. I no longer see them as boring or predictable, and can't believe why the hell I used to feel that way. But I guess it's because you attract who you are.

 

I read once that you stop attracting certain people to your life once you heal the part of you that once needed them, and I feel like that is very, very true.

[somanymistakes]

Also realize that pretty much everyone is attracted based on a subconscious imago of their opposite sex parent, or some combination of same sex/opposite sex parents or primary caregivers. Most likely the one who was more critical and less accepting. I just love it when people deny this... always interesting to hear the denials and justifications.

 

We probably need another thread for that conversation, because I will happily fight you on this. 'Be nothing like my dad, who I hate' is pretty high on my criteria list. Reminding me of him at all is an instant attraction-killer.

 

Yeah I have issues.

[jjgitties]

I read once that you stop attracting certain people to your life once you heal the part of you that once needed them, and I feel like that is very, very true.

 

I dont believe that at all. I firmly believe people don't change and if they ever do, its a very very slow and gradual process. Listening to depressing or happy music is no indicator to internal mental state. Its just music.

[todreaminblue]

We probably need another thread for that conversation, because I will happily fight you on this. 'Be nothing like my dad, who I hate' is pretty high on my criteria list. Reminding me of him at all is an instant attraction-killer.

 

Yeah I have issues.

 

 

 

i also wouldnt want to date either of my dads i have two...both abandoned me......both dominant.......i dont know if the father figure thing is the reason i have chosen dates...it could be though......i just think im too forgiving. (i hate the term daddy issues never called anyone daddy in my life...makes me shudder .........)

 

and like anyone else without father issues i just feel i have looked in the wrong faces for love......and now i know the right faces.....with maturity..deb

Edited December 9, 2017 by todreaminblue

[aMguilts]

Great topic question!!

 

We can ALL look back on our lives and maybe ask ourselves the same question??

But that would be living in hindsight.

There's a million things that I would have done different if I knew NOW what the outcome would be!

But then I wouldn't be me. Different parallel universes

In 1 ..I,m rich

In another I'm poor.

 

I know it's a cliche... But my advice would be

Live every day as if it was your last..cos one day you'll be right

aM

[aMguilts]

I was married at 20, a mother at 21 and a divorcée at 33.

 

20 years later now and looking back my advice to younger women is take your time, you'll never run out of men to date, wait for the right guy to come along.

 

If I could turn back time I would not marry my first bf, I would travel, work on a carrer, date around, get to know myself and then I know I'd be making the right decision when I pick a partner.

 

Hindsight

You are what you now and it's a good thing?

How do you know if you didn't do all those things you'd be 'better' off?

Could be worse off?.. went traveling...got eaten by a tiger?

aM

[Nothingtolose]

I dont believe that at all. I firmly believe people don't change and if they ever do, its a very very slow and gradual process. .

 

I have seen incredible transformations from people close to me, and I firmly believe people can and do change - but only if they really want to. When staying within the same patterns, habits and thought processes starts to be more painful/damaging than doing the internal work required to change, that's when a person will change.

[No_Go]

OP i'm 33 year old woman as well, happily single.

 

If I have had one advice to my younger self, it would have been to treasure my single time and NOT get into strings of relationships. I've spent my years between 27 and 32 in a 'relationship string' which made me 1) tired 2) dumbed down 3)burned out.

 

When you're single - BE it, don't bother with dating whatsoever. It is your time to develop, grow, find yourself. It is your time to become a relationship-worthy material for the day in which you'd eventually venture into one.