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Better to have loved and lost...


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Old 30th November 2017, 7:27 AM   #1
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Better to have loved and lost...

Than never to have loved at all.

What do you think? This is a spin off from another thread. Someone responded to me in the affirmative and said people who believe that arent dumpees. I think the saying also makes sense if the relationship has ended bc of some external issue neither party has control over.

In my experience, dumpers do seem happier than myself bc they have already planned and lined up someone else. If i contact one and talk about my love life, they seem very optimistic "Dont worry love is out there ." Im just like, where?
I am a chronic dumpee, and i disagree with the saying. I think i wouldve been happier had i never dated nor attempted to date. However, if i never wouldve dated, i would wonder what it was like!

I have a pattern. Ill be single. Ill get really, really happy. Ill date someone, get dumped (usually for another woman), then im unhappy again. Dating has been a significant source of misery.
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Old 30th November 2017, 8:47 AM   #2
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It depends. If it's the kind of transformative love where you're better for having known the person, I'd say it's true. Dumper or dumpee.
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Old 30th November 2017, 8:49 AM   #3
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I dunno if thats because you are a woman, but it may very well because you have been often the dumpees.

I have been both and equally, dumper and dumpee. Both hurt to be honest. Its also painful to break up with a woman we used to love, whatever the reason.

I think what even hurts more is the ''slow fade'', someone becoming nonresponsive, evasive and cold and you wonder why. Maybe its their way to make you comprehend the relationship is over.
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Old 30th November 2017, 9:53 AM   #4
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I dunno if thats because you are a woman, but it may very well because you have been often the dumpees.

I have been both and equally, dumper and dumpee. Both hurt to be honest. Its also painful to break up with a woman we used to love, whatever the reason.

I think what even hurts more is the ''slow fade'', someone becoming nonresponsive, evasive and cold and you wonder why. Maybe its their way to make you comprehend the relationship is over.
The dumpers ive known dont seem too sad. For them imo its mostly a pity thing in which they feel bad for hurting someones feelings. Its not the same as the oftentimes out of the blue, sudden rejection and powerlessness that the dumpee may feel.

When someone slow fades, theyve probably found someone else. 'Just a different way of doing the same thing.
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Old 30th November 2017, 9:54 AM   #5
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I also dumped and got dumped at about the same rate. Being dumped was far more painful for me initially. However, the lingering guilt of dumping somebody never really went away. One woman was terribly affected by it and moved out of the city because of it. I still feel horrible about it, even though I know that the relationship would have never worked out.
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Old 30th November 2017, 10:40 AM   #6
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Been dumped/rejected plenty in life and still believe it (the title topic statement) and still practice it as opportunities and desires present themselves. The main difference is it doesn't rule me anymore. The hopeless romantic and clueless lover grew up, learned to accept the risks of loving another human and to hold one's head high regardless of the result.

Another, perhaps synergistic topic would be is it better to have been loved and lost than to never have been loved at all. That's different. I can spend a lifetime loving people and never have been loved at all. Possible! Interesting. That was a lesson I learned being married.
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Old 30th November 2017, 11:19 AM   #7
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Let's please stop using the word dumper or dumpee--it is so degrading, like garbage.

Your question is so ambiguous, hard to answer because it depends totally on the situation--it is relative--with no final definite answer.

In my own case, the answer is clearly no, it is not better. Also depends on your age, and the love itself.
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Old 30th November 2017, 1:20 PM   #8
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I'm on the fence here. On one hand, I think that being in a real, loving relationship is an experience I would never want to forget. On the other hand, I think that experience changes us in many ways, and not always for the better. I am almost always the one to end a relationship, but the one time that I was not, I was pretty crushed for a good while. I can only imagine how people must feel that have endured that sort of thing time and again. I consider myself lucky in that regard.
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Old 30th November 2017, 2:13 PM   #9
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I'm on the fence here. On one hand, I think that being in a real, loving relationship is an experience I would never want to forget.
Same. I have no regrets to have been in happy relationships. I can regret the way they ended or the mere fact that they ended, not much you can do about it.

I would probably be a lot more miserable now if I had never found love, or to be blunt, to be still a virgin too, than what I have lived over the years.
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Old 30th November 2017, 3:21 PM   #10
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Better to have loved and lost...

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Originally Posted by hotpotato View Post
Than never to have loved at all.
For me, absolutely yes.

I always try. I don't see how you'd be able to find someone to be happy with, if you're so risk averse that you don't even try. Sometimes you choose poorly, sometimes you choose well, but you absolutely must choose.
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Old 30th November 2017, 5:24 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by Amethyst11 View Post
Let's please stop using the word dumper or dumpee--it is so degrading, like garbage.

Your question is so ambiguous, hard to answer because it depends totally on the situation--it is relative--with no final definite answer.

In my own case, the answer is clearly no, it is not better. Also depends on your age, and the love itself.
To be frank, thats how dating has made me feel-like garbage to be discarded. Im not offended by terms like dumper and dumpee.

I guess it is open to a lot of interpretation. Maybe a better question was,"When do risks of finding love outweigh the benefits?"

To add a lityle clarity,by dumpers i dont mean people who are in very bad situations like abuse, dealing with an addict, etc.
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Old 30th November 2017, 5:29 PM   #12
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It depends. If it's the kind of transformative love where you're better for having known the person, I'd say it's true. Dumper or dumpee.
I dont think ive had that tbh. I get transformed for the worse. If i had never met the person, i wouldnt know the difference. The entire situation can be avoided.
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Old 30th November 2017, 6:43 PM   #13
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I think it also really depends on the quality of the relationship, and what you got out of it.

I have been broken up with, and I have had to do the breaking up.

But honestly, no regrets, zero. I certainly would say better to have loved and lost.

Although, to be real, I have only fallen in love with one person, my husband. The rest.. fondness? Puppy love? Infatuation? Not the deep love I have with my spouse, not even close. I have never experienced true heart break from a relationship ending.

Every relationship taught me about myself. Taught me about being involved with someone. Helped me understand what I wanted, how to treat people, how to communicate.

And every partner I have had, has treated me with respect, and kindness, and I have tried to do the same. I don’t wish ill on any one of them, and I am glad that I knew them.

Those experiences have made me who I am, and I am grateful for them.
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Old 30th November 2017, 7:48 PM   #14
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Being the dumper or the dumpee are both awful. And love, either way, always felt miserable to me after a breakup.

However, once you're out of that miserable zone and can look back , oh man is love fun. Yes, there were bad times. But the good times? I had the best amazing highs.

So yes, I think it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
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Old 30th November 2017, 11:32 PM   #15
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l've wondered about this a lot myself.
Still don't know.

On one hand , l've been so lucky to have loved and lived it all , twice in my life, and l have my beautiful daughter.
ex w and later gf.
More than most could poss' imagine , not just love, much much more.
And as l read around or notice things with people l know, l see how many have just never even known love , let alone stuff l have.

But how am l suppose to feel.
Was l so lucky , don;t forget about the pain too.

And what do you do with the memories ?
Were you lucky to have loved , twice ?

A very wise man l know , says that you keep those memories and you always enjoy them.
But l haven't figured out just how you do that without separating the rest from it.
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