Bank account

[Michaelseth22]

Ok guys and girls I'm recently engaged very happy with eachother until the subject of changing bank where I've been currently banking for years and also have a lot of loans and accounts and direct deposits from work blah blah and well she doesn't really have much where she is and she wants me to change only because my mother works at the bank i bank with my question is what should I do? She said she was uncomfortable with my mom working at same bank out money is in help all advise is welcomed!

[snowboy91]

I'm confused... Most transactions are done electronically these days so it's not as if your mother would know what's in your account unless you went to the bank frequently and asked her specifically to do transactions.

 

What is your fiance's reason for being unhappy with your bank?

 

You could also use this as an opportunity to get a better deal on interest rates, etc. Is there a reason why you're with the same bank your mother works at? Other than your mother?

[MidwestUSA]

Open a joint account at the bank of her choice. Leave your account in place, and just transfer what will be marital money into the joint account. There's no reason you should have to tranfer loans.

 

The fact that your mother works there is irrelevant. It's not as if she won't have some idea of your financial situation anyway.

[Michaelseth22]

ok my family is real close knit family and my mother had been working there for years before I was needing a bank account so reason I have an acccount there is simply because my mom does work there it creates easy problem solving and just easy and she's uncomfortable with my mom being able to see our account which she just can't get into without me saying so.

[Michaelseth22]

I do like the separate account deal I'm just kinda wondering why it's such a big deal to her for our relationship to work right I have to change banks cause she don't want in that one

[basil67]

Having worked at a bank many moons ago, I can understand your fiance's concerns. With a name and address, I could have looked up your entire marital financial and spending history if I chose to. If I was nosy or had issues with the marriage, I could use my knowledge to manipulate.

 

I'm not suggesting your mother would do any of the above, but it would be possible.

 

Open any joint accounts at a different bank. Your fiance should be guaranteed privacy if it is her wish.

[MidwestUSA]

I do like the separate account deal I'm just kinda wondering why it's such a big deal to her for our relationship to work right I have to change banks cause she don't want in that one

 

Will she have a problem with you keeping some of your money separate if you leave your accounts in place? I know some couples like to pool all of their money, and others have a his/hers/ours mindset.

 

If she insists on you moving YOUR money to a different, I'd have a problem with that.

 

As for why it's a big deal, it could be as simple as her not wanting your mom to see your joined finances (and I agree), or it could be an inkling of something deeper. Which do you think it is?

[Michaelseth22]

I'm not sure she will like the idea but I'm going to bring the joint account up! She has told me if I didn't move banks we wouldn't be getting married cause she said it shows her and her requests doesn't come first in our relationship

[MidwestUSA]

I'm not sure she will like the idea but I'm going to bring the joint account up! She has told me if I didn't move banks we wouldn't be getting married cause she said it shows her and her requests doesn't come first in our relationship

 

Well, one joint account is a compromise. See how she does making it.

 

That last statement has me worried. I do hope that your requests of her will also come first. I'm talking about reasonable requests tho.

[Michaelseth22]

Yes I do hope she realizes that I am trying and thinking of her in trying to make everything work for me and her thank you everyone for yalls help it truly helps thank you all

[Purepony]

What’s she worried about that she doesn’t want your mom to see ?

[Michaelseth22]

I really have no clue I currently work offshore and I call my mother to pay a couple of bills that I do not have automatically done so she's saying she wants all control of the account which I already told her she would have full control to pay bills herself when we got married I had only told my mom to access my account to pay bills that when I'm at work so they are not late she thinks since I gave my mom access to the account for the reason of paying bills while I'm at work she will always have access to everything which is wrong and even if she did there's nothing to see lol

[PegNosePete]

She has told me if I didn't move banks we wouldn't be getting married cause she said it shows her and her requests doesn't come first in our relationship

Goodness, emotional blackmail and you're not even married yet. I would see this statement as a major red flag!

 

I can see why she wouldn't want your joint account to be at your mother's bank. She doesn't want her being able to see your private financial matters. But I second Midwest's idea about keeping your own separate accounts for personal expenditures, and having a joint one for joint expenses (with another bank). It's how I do it with my partner. At first we just used the joint for groceries shopping and household bills but over time that has increased, and now pretty much all expenditures come from the joint account. The only thing I use my personal one for is my wages coming in, making transfers to the joint account, and my own personal purchases such as presents.

 

Your credit rating may take a hit if you close a long-term bank account. Or rather, having a long-term bank account improves your credit rating.

 

But, all of these are sensible, logical reasons. Your GF is clearly not being sensible or logical. Good luck!

[d0nnivain]

I'm not sure she will like the idea but I'm going to bring the joint account up! She has told me if I didn't move banks we wouldn't be getting married cause she said it shows her and her requests doesn't come first in our relationship

 

 

Whoa!

 

 

I was gonna to tell you that you should consider respecting her wishes about the bank. She doesn't want her MIL knowing your joint financial business. Even if your mom has the integrity not to look, from your FI's perspective the possibility that her MIL might peek is clearly worrisome to her.

 

 

However, the minute your FI held your entire relationship hostage over this issue she went too far. I'd put a freeze on all wedding plans -- no deposits, no bookings -- until you have completed pre marital counseling. This kind of ultimatum does not bode well for future conflict resolution down the road. My way or the highway is not a team based solution.

[carhill]

IMO, save any financial changes for after the marriage is completed but definitely do continue discussing the financial program that you and your future spouse will agree to when getting married.

 

This deal isn't a contract of adhesion. You're both equals here. IMO, if one or the other plays power cards at this point, and doesn't see the union as one of respectful equals, then don't proceed.

 

If you have a substantial asset/debt disparity, meaning your net worths are quite different, and if you or she have substantial assets, please consider a pre-nuptial financial agreement. I made the gross error of getting married without one and my exW could have destroyed me in the divorce. She didn't but that was a combination of her not being too greedy and some clever moves by my lawyer. Don't make that mistake if you or she have substantial life's work.

 

Banks track everything and, if you change your account where no one can access it and file that with the bank, they'll track any accesses, even if no transactions occur, and your mother could face termination if she snoops. I've worked at a bank, actually a credit union, and was part of the decision-making body for loans we made. Everything we did on-property was tracked to each of us. No funny business, not even innocent stuff.

 

However, for you, that is a long ways off. You're not married yet. One step at a time. Good luck!

[nospam99]

If you have a substantial asset/debt disparity, meaning your net worths are quite different, and if you or she have substantial assets, please consider a pre-nuptial financial agreement. I made the gross error of getting married without one and my exW could have destroyed me in the divorce. She didn't but that was a combination of her not being too greedy and some clever moves by my lawyer. Don't make that mistake if you or she have substantial life's work.

 

Me too - gross error but not destroyed. It's why the divorce 'negotiations' took more than four years and a lawsuit to settle her financial 'indiscretions' is still ongoing. Also that my exW was lazy and not savvy. Depends on how much the divorce laws in your state favor the female. The most annoying consequence of my own willingness to share money with the woman I thought at the time was going to stay a true partner, was the substantially larger contribution I made to our initial joint accounts meant nothing when it came time to divide assets.

[Poutrew]

Does she also want you to put her name on all your bank accounts and CDs? If so, then she is manipulating you . She wants to get your money away from the prying eyes of your mother so she can clean you out... this happened to someone I know... he was ruined and there was nothing he could do to get the cash back. Be careful, friend...