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Can a player to one woman be Mr Perfect to another?


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Eternal Sunshine

This is what I thinking of: there are men that use OLD saying that they are looking for a serious relationship. They will go on multiple dates with a woman, asking for exclusivity, dropping hints about the future and basically leading her on to think that they see a future with her (and saying so). Then they sleep with a woman, sometimes once, often few more times and poof, they lose interest. Or start dating other women on the side and keep her as a back up for sex (without informing her).

 

 

Those men can technically meet a woman of their dreams and suddenly completely change into Mr perfectly committed? Or is above a character flaw that will in some ways rear it's head even with their dream woman?

 

For clarification, I am not talking about players that are open about wanting something casual.

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I've only seen that change of heart when they were in their late 30s and suddenly realized they wanted a family and kids. Yes, in that case it can happen.

 

But I have never seen where the woman was the deciding factor, it was that they wanted the change to occur in the first place.

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It generally doesn't pay to make sweeping concussions, or ask generalist questions, about an entire subset of a gender!

 

Sure, for some guys, your proposition might hold true. Some guys might "change their ways" when they meet the right person - or rather, appear to. Some guys are genuinely looking for Ms Perfect right from the start, just as they say. But when they find the woman they have been courting isn't Ms Perfect, they move on (possibly keeping her as backup for free sex or whatever). That might make it seem to you that they were leading you on all along, but it's not necessarily true.

 

And for some guys, it's just talk to get laid. Interesting that you see it as a "character flaw". To them it's not a character flaw, it's a skill they have developed and spent much time practising.

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This is what I thinking of: there are men that use OLD saying that they are looking for a serious relationship. They will go on multiple dates with a woman, asking for exclusivity, dropping hints about the future and basically leading her on to think that they see a future with her (and saying so). Then they sleep with a woman, sometimes once, often few more times and poof, they lose interest. Or start dating other women on the side and keep her as a back up for sex (without informing her).
I've done some of these things. During my last stint on OLD, I was looking for a serious relationship. I would go on multiple dates with a woman, usually having sex in the process. During the course of those dates, I'd often determine that she's not relationship material. After we have sex, I tend to be more clinical in my analysis of her relationship potential. Thus, from her perspective, it may have looked like I said I wanted a relationship, slept with her, then dumped her.

 

From your list of items, the two things I didn't do were asking for exclusivity (I only do this when I see relationship potential) or keep women in the background for sex without informing her.

Those men can technically meet a woman of their dreams and suddenly completely change into Mr perfectly committed?
When I met a woman with actual relationship potential, I then asked for exclusivity and was perfectly committed.

 

I can't speak for all or even most men, but many that I know are happy to spend time with (sleep with) Ms. Wrong while searching for Ms. Right. It doesn't mean he was lying about wanting a serious relationship. It just means he determined that Ms. Wrong was not relationship material for him. Of course, you do have the men out there who have no interest in a relationship whatsoever and choose to lie about it just to get the woman's guard down.

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Yes. At some point people do grow up.

 

 

Although I'm a woman in college I loved the chase. Once things got settled I'd break up with the guy & move on to the next chase.

 

 

Several years after college the chase was no longer as much fun so I settled down.

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Eternal Sunshine
I've done some of these things. During my last stint on OLD, I was looking for a serious relationship. I would go on multiple dates with a woman, usually having sex in the process. During the course of those dates, I'd often determine that she's not relationship material. After we have sex, I tend to be more clinical in my analysis of her relationship potential. Thus, from her perspective, it may have looked like I said I wanted a relationship, slept with her, then dumped her.

 

From your list of items, the two things I didn't do were asking for exclusivity (I only do this when I see relationship potential) or keep women in the background for sex without informing her.When I met a woman with actual relationship potential, I then asked for exclusivity and was perfectly committed.

 

I can't speak for all or even most men, but many that I know are happy to spend time with (sleep with) Ms. Wrong while searching for Ms. Right. It doesn't mean he was lying about wanting a serious relationship. It just means he determined that Ms. Wrong was not relationship material for him. Of course, you do have the men out there who have no interest in a relationship whatsoever and choose to lie about it just to get the woman's guard down.

 

Asking for exclusivity and dating other women while women think they are "exclusive" are key factors of a player. It's lying and deceit that's the problem rather than having sex.

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Eternal Sunshine
Yes. At some point people do grow up.

 

 

Although I'm a woman in college I loved the chase. Once things got settled I'd break up with the guy & move on to the next chase.

 

 

Several years after college the chase was no longer as much fun so I settled down.

 

Yeah but that was because of a life stage rather than a "dream man".

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Yeah but that was because of a life stage rather than a "dream man".

 

Exactly.

 

Nope. It’s a character trait. Things like this do NOT change. He may settle if he gets tired/ bored but a [jerk] stays a [jerk] for life.

 

Even if a lady ‘tricks’ a gentleman like this into commitment, she may be assured it is just a matter of convenience and her girlfriend or wife status means zero to him outside the pure convenience. She’d be dropped like a hot potato once another assertive lady swings her tail around him.

 

History has great predictive information hidden in it.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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If a guy is a player, he doesn’t really have a “dream woman” in mind. A lot of the guys women think of as players are like the previous poster mentioned. They will often break it off with a woman shortly after sex, but only because she’s not a good match for him. It would take him some time to figure that out, and he might prefer not to multidate so can still ask for exclusivity.

 

Good rule of thumb. Time is your friend. For both women and men, try not to get too caught up in the early stages. It takes months or even years to really get to know if someone is a good match. You can weed out players by giving things the time they deserve to really get to know him and allow him to get to know you.

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Asking for exclusivity and dating other women while women think they are "exclusive" are key factors of a player. It's lying and deceit that's the problem rather than having sex.

 

I think the character trait of lying and deceiving others for one's own ends and own pleasure - with little conscience and zero empathy - is one that is unlikely to change.

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This is what I thinking of: there are men that use OLD saying that they are looking for a serious relationship. They will go on multiple dates with a woman, asking for exclusivity, dropping hints about the future and basically leading her on to think that they see a future with her (and saying so). Then they sleep with a woman, sometimes once, often few more times and poof, they lose interest.

 

If he's losing interest after having had sex, then the sex was bad and he thinks he can find better.

 

Or start dating other women on the side and keep her as a back up for sex (without informing her). Those men can technically meet a woman of their dreams and suddenly completely change into Mr perfectly committed? Or is above a character flaw that will in some ways rear it's head even with their dream woman?

 

For clarification, I am not talking about players that are open about wanting something casual.

 

I think that the woman who thinks she is his "dream woman" really isn't because if she truly were, he'd stop looking elsewhere for what she supposedly has that makes her the "dream woman". Something in their interaction made it abundantly clear that she wasn't that one and instead of pointing out the problem for her to change (or not, because some people are really invested in how they are), he let her be her while he started looking elsewhere for "dream woman".

 

How he acts is > what he says, because a lot of men will say anything to get the panties.

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Some do some don't. Ya there are those guys you see that are in their 40's and 50's in the bar chasing young girls......yuk. I worked in a club for 4 years, and there were of few of them trolling....as a young lady back then.....still thought YUK.

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This is what I thinking of: there are men that use OLD saying that they are looking for a serious relationship. They will go on multiple dates with a woman, asking for exclusivity, dropping hints about the future and basically leading her on to think that they see a future with her (and saying so). Then they sleep with a woman, sometimes once, often few more times and poof, they lose interest. Or start dating other women on the side and keep her as a back up for sex (without informing her).

 

Those men can technically meet a woman of their dreams and suddenly completely change into Mr perfectly committed? Or is above a character flaw that will in some ways rear it's head even with their dream woman?

 

For clarification, I am not talking about players that are open about wanting something casual.

 

Quite likely. Many men will immediately categorise women into one of three groups, mostly based on attractiveness

1) No interest whatsoever

2) Would have sex with, but not a relationship.

3) Genuine attraction, girlfriend potential.

 

What the guys you are talking about are doing, is treating #2 as if they were #3 in order to get easy sex, all the while really just passing the time until they meet a #3.

 

It might even be the case that they're not being totally callous and uncaring, but genuinely trying to convince themselves that the #2 is what they want (they've been taught not to be shallow, you see). Then they end up just 'not feeling it' and fade out.

 

Also... let's not forget testosterone can be a mind-altering drug. It's entirely possible that you're convinced you're genuinely into someone until after sex, and then suddenly you realise you're not so sure after all.

Edited by Andy_K
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A man, or a woman for that matter, can legitimately lose interest in someone that they initially saw potential for a future, and had sex with. It happens all the time and doesn't mean that anyone got "played." I don't think it's rare for a person who's done that during their single and dating years to end up with the right match and settled down.

 

If they're lying and cheating of course that's a different story and speaks to the character of the person. Yes people can and do change but it is a bad idea to bank on it.

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how else are you supposed to find a prince if you don't kiss a few frogs???

 

same thing for guys.

 

keep high standards and gain their respect: don't just be another hole to fall into.

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I don't believe this idea of a "dream woman" applies very well to men. For men, timing is everything: when a guy who used to enjoy sowing his wild oats suddenly decided to get married to one woman, most likely it's because the woman appeared at the right time in the right place to him — he already decided to settle down before this particular woman showed up.

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Eternal Sunshine

I guess it's still hard for me to understand how someone can act super into a woman and then lose all interest once they sleep together. The only logical explanation is that there was some deceit involved in the first place.

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Well , for me l wasn't a player , but l was girl crazy before l was married and l thought no hope l can ever get married because l just can't keep my hands off, just too much temptation out there,

 

But low and behold , l met my wife and within 2 days l wanted to marry her.

And it was all about her , nothing to do with timing , to my taste she was everything l could ever want and l just fell in love.

pure and simple.

And when your in love you just don't want anyone else full stop.

 

And so yeah ,l'd say a player could easily fall in love too. It probably just hasn't happened for him yet.

 

For that into you and then not thing.

That can be one of two things l'd say.

You see women turn it on too to get what they want but once they have it they often change.

so later , your simply seeing the real her and you just don't like her as much anymore.

 

Orrr, he just turned it on to get what he wanted and once his got it , charm over,.

Edited by Chilli
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I guess it's still hard for me to understand how someone can act super into a woman and then lose all interest once they sleep together. The only logical explanation is that there was some deceit involved in the first place.

 

He quite possibly lined up few women for banging, after the turn of one is just the turn of another one, so he can’t keep up with the first. Bait and switch strategy.

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I guess it's still hard for me to understand how someone can act super into a woman and then lose all interest once they sleep together.

The only logical explanation is that there was some deceit involved in the first place.

 

Maybe not.

Sex like everything else with a new partner will be held under scrutiny.

Sometimes things do not really gel, it may be superficial - "Her boobs aren't really big enough" or it may be more about compatibility "I like my women in bed to be shy, demure and submissive and she was the complete opposite", or "She just lay there expecting me to take the lead and do all the work..." or it may be an insecurity on his part. "OMG, she is well out of my league, how can I ever sustain this?".

Whatever it is, he may not want to go there again.

He went in in good faith, but found the experience was not for him, it happens.

Also the sex was also part of a "date" so whilst the sex may have been fine he may be found out a deal breaker during the pillow talk... anything is possible.

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I think some guys dupe themselves into thinking they're super into a woman when in effect they're merely sexually attracted to her.

 

Then after they have sex, they realize the attraction was mostly sexual.

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thefooloftheyear

I would imagine that with sex as easy as it is for many guys now, it could easily be a guy that doesn't have "player" types of traits or personality, he's just taking advantage of what's being handed to him on a silver platter with little to no effort or comittment...

 

And that guy then could just find a woman that works for him....

 

It could be as simple as that...

 

It kinda cracks me up to hear women(not singling out anyone here), cry foul about getting played when they themselves actually changed the rules of this game...

 

 

TFY

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2.50 a gallon

The world is full of beautiful women, and from my high school days I set out to kiss as many as possible. That number was some where near a hundred when at age 27 I met my ex-fiancé. It was love at first sight.

We broke up 3 years later, and then over then next five years my number grew another 100, when I married at age 35.

Six months later we broke up and I swore I would never fall in love again as I once again got into the dating scene.

I lived alone for the next 14 years. I grew to like living alone. I could do what ever I wanted, with whom ever I wanted, when ever I wanted, without having to answer to anybody.

The night I met my current GF, my first thought was there is a face I could kiss good morning to for the rest of my life. Oh and look at them long legs.

Also knew that anyone that good looking was sure to have a boy friend, and I was right. I just wanted to have sex with her, I never pushed, or tried to get a date with her, just waited for the guy to make a mistake. That was a couple of years later, by which time she had seen me with several gals. It was to my advantage as she was curious how a short, skinny guy like myself dated so many different women.

Second date, first kiss. I don't know exactly what happened as when I went home that night, I realized how terribly lonely I was.

That was 22 years ago.

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