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I've accidentally fallen for someone thinking they fell for me which they haven't p2


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it goes on.

 

(part 1 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/general-relationship-discussion/588568-i-ve-accidentally-fallen-someone-thinking-they-fell-me-they-haven-t) (some sagas span more than 60 days)

 

my heart is a mess.

 

I have no way to express these feelings.

 

time passed, I got better at distancing myself from thinking about this, if there were slight movements of relapse, usually spurred by her (unclear) actions, I got into the habit of reminding myself that it was in my head, and got on with my life. They got married over the summer. she seemed happy. I felt closure.

 

[well, on the night of the wedding I'm sat chatting drunk with the groom, and I say something like "2 words <groom> adore her. sometimes we get so lost in ourselves we forget to put the other person first. adore her"

 

(not two words, I know).

 

I mean it. it's what I think she needs. he takes it in, and says I've nearly made him cry. it's a sweet moment. then he says, later, after a list of things that he loves, "I even love our weird love triangle."

 

Luckily I have already cried that evening (unrelated, I blame the gin cocktails) so I am not emotional and reply with a very cool "ah, it's all one big love triangle <groom>." I make light of his statement and it is forgotten. The next morning of course, again, it hits. this is like the first time it's been clearly been expressed. by him! she's told him about her feelings! bar the lingering looks, and her hugs, and slight turns of phrase *that in a court of law amount to nothing and overall amount to about 5 incidences in as many years* finally he says something to confirm what I have put down as delusion for so many years. But they have gotten married and after a relatively short period of time I put it behind me again.] closure. whatever,

 

then it's my 40th recently. all my closest friends come down to my parents house, it's lovely. towards the end of the night I find myself outside having a smoke with <bride>. ("A Love Story in 5 Cigarette Breaks" by kivan3x). she seems so sad. that same sadness. she tells me they are getting ready to have a baby but there is something holding her back. she says she really didn't enjoy herself the previous weekend when we were all out, but specifies the only time she did was the two times we talked. it hits me like a train. that she is saying she's in love with me. but it's a blurry, champagne and cocaine fuelled mess. I can't remember the bits that made it seem so clear that that was indeed what she was telling me, albeit in riddles. I say at some point "ah it's all riddles anyway." I remember her repeating this, confirming it. It feels like we're talking about the same thing. I remember this depth of feeling. I remember her hands resting tenderly on my knees. the night ends abruptly, my friends all leave. it's hella late (early). I sit there stunned for an hour. whiskey night cap. For the first time, after years of doubting, it feels like she has told me she's in love with me and that she can't help it. I even tell my sister the next night I'm so sure. I've never told anyone about this. I have always concluded it is a delusion in my head. it is utterly improbable.

 

I have never acted on this. Previous occurrences I followed without any contact, I let it fizzle away after a week or two of what I can only describe as intense suffering. But this time I am worried about her and feel the need to contact her, so I send a very casual, friendly, I hope she's ok, and she replies equally casually. cue me going mad again and thinking it's all in my head and I've heard what I wanted to hear which is what I don't want to hear.

 

If she is deeply, secretly in love with me, against all the odds, then I guess I have fallen in love with her, but can and will do nothing about it. If she hasn't I hate myself for my delusion, and for causing myself so much pain through my own stupidity and narcissism.

 

And to make it very clear, it may sound like it, but she is one of the sweetest, deepest girls I know, and wouldn't knowingly trick or hurt anyone. If my delusions are true, she is agonised by this. If not then I am an idiot of the very worst order. the worst bit, as ever, is not knowing, nor being able to do a single damn thing about it. I wish I could not care, or not think about it but I can't seem to stop myself from feeling so much, and allowing this to consume me.

 

I haven't been in a relationship with anyone for 8 years. I am desperate for love but am further away from it than I've ever been and now I feel like my heart is broken by an illusion and I am going mad.

 

x

Edited by kivan3x
typo
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