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Crazy or inexperienced?


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AnotherGuy991

Not a native english speaker - sorry for mistakes. M25 + F 25. dating 1 month.

At first she was very cold and not very talkative - when we were going out things were pretty nice and fun* but still lots of silence moments. I assumed she is just very shy. I somehow thought she was not interested.She told me she's not so talkative and she likes laughing, joking, kissing and ignoring things.*

 

- She told me she had no RLS in the last 2 - 3 yrs after crying over her last RL (that lasted <1 y) and that she closed herself in a shell and now she is different.

- I like her but only how she looks. It turns me down that emotionally speaking is 0.*

- So a very inexperienced girl - 2 LTR (< 1 y, another < 5 month) and 2 or 3 RLS < 1 month. She told me that "normal" relationships like talking, discussing things with the partner, making future plans are not for her and she always ran away bcz she was feeling suffocated. IDK what that exactly means but she just told me she finds it VERY HARD to stay and talk about deeper things.

 

-She told me that she wants normal RLS but she doesn't know how to act and how to behave.

- She told me that her "LTRS" were just about laughing, seeing each other when they had time, no future plans, very quirky behaviour, lots of fights and no communication. Told me she ended up hurted every time that's why she stopped seeing other guys for a longer time after her last relationship.*

 

Tried talking to her and she acted very awkard saying she is not comfortable with having a discussion about why she is "in a mood" and she rather prefer ignoring those moments. I tried to know her better but i feel like it is for nothing.

 

She told me that we have a "normal" relationship that she would normally leave but she likes me and this time is different.

- I am enough experienced (LTRS,ONS) but very confused : She is either inexperienced and she tries to make herself look very important and special or she is just "nuts" and not capable of having a normal RLS.

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You can't base a relationship solely on looks. At 25 you are this woman's 3rd relationship. She has enough experience & has probably seen enough movies / read enough books to have a basic understanding of how relationships work. Your emphasis on her lack of experience is misplaced. It's not her lack of experience that is the problem. It's her unwillingness to open up & try. If she won't talk to you, then you have no ability to move forward.

 

For now because you do like her looks go ahead & date her casually. Have fun -- laugh, kiss, whatever. But do not emotionally invest; do not try to talk about the future & do not expect her to be anything other than a good time now.

 

If you want more than that, get a different girl. This one is uninterested in change or meaningful commitment. She might be scared. She might be damaged. Either way she would take too much time, effort & energy to get her to a point where she could be a suitable GF

 

P.S. your English is fine.

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AnotherGuy991
You can't base a relationship solely on looks. At 25 you are this woman's 3rd relationship. She has enough experience & has probably seen enough movies / read enough books to have a basic understanding of how relationships work. Your emphasis on her lack of experience is misplaced. It's not her lack of experience that is the problem. It's her unwillingness to open up & try. If she won't talk to you, then you have no ability to move forward.

 

For now because you do like her looks go ahead & date her casually. Have fun -- laugh, kiss, whatever. But do not emotionally invest; do not try to talk about the future & do not expect her to be anything other than a good time now.

 

If you want more than that, get a different girl. This one is uninterested in change or meaningful commitment. She might be scared. She might be damaged. Either way she would take too much time, effort & energy to get her to a point where she could be a suitable GF

 

P.S. your English is fine.

 

Thank you so much for your reply, d0nnivain.I really appreciate it and your advice is very important for me to hear. What you said are my exact thoughts on this but it is something inside of me that doesn't let me go like a feeling that she would try but she is scared and inexperienced.I would stop this right now but we are co-workers (only for 1 more month) and we kind of did some plans for the week that is coming.

 

There are just so much mixed signals : Today she is saying she doesn't want to have discussions and deep conversations but after 20 minutes of laughing she starts telling me personal things about her - without me asking her anything about it.

 

The next day she says she admires a couple that are going through harsh times and they are still together and manage to get over them and she would like to be like them but finds it very hard to do that. This is the part where I think she is inexperienced. No one was there to teach her what to do, how to talk and i know it would be a HUGE effort from me to do that but i would do that if i'd know she is opened to learning.

 

She told me that she feels like telling her parents about us but she is superstitious about it cause every time she told her parents about a RL it ended up - especially those less than a month. Yesterday she told her mother about us and she was acting like it was a very big deal so this is another weird thing - if our RL wouldn't be important for her she wouldn't act like that.

 

The thing is i'll just go NC on her until she'll contact me. If she does then we ll continue talking, if not that's it.

 

She told me she tried in the past being opened and talkative but it ended up bad because it was not natural for her to be like that.

 

I think about seeing her tomorrow and have a very cold and straight behavior and ask her if she is willing to learn things and commit to this. Maybe is very soon but things are not very comfortable to me like this. I don t see this as a relationship when we are not talking for hours and we are playing games like who is ignoring the other one more. Not to say that we don't get to know each other at all. 1 month together and i feel like a have a stranger near me, i almost don't know anything about her.

 

She told me yesterday that it would be better for her to let things just go and stop over-think everything and stop putting so much pressure but i don't feel like we are evolve in any way. I want a LTR based on trust, talk and maybe a family not 18 y.o. games. Maybe is not the right thing to be so pushy and straight but I feel like I'm better alone than in this "game".

 

Waiting for any more replies. Thanks in advance.

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You say you have a feeling that this girl is just scared. Yet, your solution is to play emotionally manipulative games with her by going NC to see if she calls you. That is neither nice or helpful. If you want to date this broken soul be a standup guy with integrity she can count on. Otherwise leave her alone. Don't torment her with NC.

 

The true function of NC is to help you heal not make somebody miss you.

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AnotherGuy991
You say you have a feeling that this girl is just scared. Yet, your solution is to play emotionally manipulative games with her by going NC to see if she calls you. That is neither nice or helpful. If you want to date this broken soul be a standup guy with integrity she can count on. Otherwise leave her alone. Don't torment her with NC.

 

The true function of NC is to help you heal not make somebody miss you.

 

I m not playing manipulative games. She told me yesterday that this relationship is a "normal" one and she would normally leave it but she just likes me and it is different than others. Now I really have to be sure that she really wants me. If she is decided to continue this thing i really need to see some effort coming from her.

 

I wasn't clear enough about it but until now I initiated conversations and dates in 80% or more of the time. Sometimes if i don't initiate she almost won't talk to me at all; at first I assumed she was just shy or wanted to play games. But after the last discussion we had I really need to see something coming from her because it makes me feel like in any moment she can leave even if things are okay between us + makes me feel like she is not interested in me that much. That is what she said : normal relationships with commitment, conversations, etc are suffocating her and she decides to leave even if the guy is ok.

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AnotherGuy991
You say you have a feeling that this girl is just scared. Yet, your solution is to play emotionally manipulative games with her by going NC to see if she calls you. That is neither nice or helpful. If you want to date this broken soul be a standup guy with integrity she can count on. Otherwise leave her alone. Don't torment her with NC.

 

The true function of NC is to help you heal not make somebody miss you.

 

Please help now....

So it showed up that she is just crazy and playing with me. We did some plans for this weekend and i gave up on other plans with my family so we could go out together cause it was our 1 month aniversary

 

Yesterday we haven t talked at all the whole day but just at midnight she sent me a photo with a quote then she went offline. In the morning i called her and asked her if she wants to go out shopping in the afternoon but she said no cause she wants to have some time with herself even tho we had plans of going to shopping.

 

I said ok and asked if we still have go out in the evening as we spoke 3 days ago - we had plans to go out this night. She said she doesn t know and i said ok just call me when you think about something.

 

She called me after 4 hours telling me that she feels so good at home, so cozy and doesn t feel like going out but she knows that she MUST GO OUT cause it s our 1 month together. I said it s ok and i cancelled the reservation at the restaurant. She also said she is not decided if we ll still go at the end of the week on the trip we talked about with some of my friends even though we already did the reservations there. She said i can go without her anyways - what the f?

 

I think i ll quit this bcz she is very impolite. I cancelled some plans for us and she knew that. Tomorrow we have a plan to go out with a couple that are friends of her. I wanted to cancel the gym class for that and i just don t know how to behave if she ll ask me tomorrow. I ll either say her i don t know and 1 h before the date i ll text her and say i can t go cause i got other plans - that would be the rude and bad behaviour just like she did to me. Or i ll just tell her i see no point in going out. But i still think about trying more and go out with them...

 

I just want to NC her cause i ll forget her faster but i don t want her to think that i care. What is the best thing to do now? Just act chill? Then she ll think it was very ok everything she did. But it was not. It pissseess me off and makes me angry. Don t know if i should leave this or not. I ll still meet her everyday for the next month and i feel the urge to be rude and ignore her at all. Like not even talking to her. I am that mad.

 

Please give me an advice...

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Be done with her. Go on the trip with your friends & enjoy your time with them to get her out of your mind.

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AnotherGuy991
Be done with her. Go on the trip with your friends & enjoy your time with them to get her out of your mind.

 

Thanks for the reply. Just one more thing : if she calls me texts me or whatever i should go NC or respond her and be chill and polite? I don t want her to think i am desperate and i care that much but still i want her to understand she was rude and impolite.

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if she calls me texts me or whatever i should go NC or respond her and be chill and polite? I don t want her to think i am desperate and i care that much but still i want her to understand she was rude and impolite.

 

Which one will give you more peace?

 

 

Are you strong enough to listen, say thank you but no, then end the encounter or will you give in & dance on her string? If you can avoid getting sucked back in, one more conversation where you cleanly end things (if you have just faded away now) is fine. Some long drawn out, remaining in contacting but being in limbo is not a good plan.

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AnotherGuy991
Which one will give you more peace?

 

 

Are you strong enough to listen, say thank you but no, then end the encounter or will you give in & dance on her string? If you can avoid getting sucked back in, one more conversation where you cleanly end things (if you have just faded away now) is fine. Some long drawn out, remaining in contacting but being in limbo is not a good plan.

 

So i ignored her the whole day and she tried to talk to me at work but i was very cold and straight, gave her a neutral answer and not asked her back anything.

 

She called me later on and asked me how i am and she apologized for not going out on yesterday but she said she felt very very bad. I was very indifferent and she was the one that talked most of the time all the conversation. I was very expeditious and tried to end the call 2 times but she kept talking and asking me things.

 

At the end she asked me if i want to meet tomorrow after work - I did something hardcore just to test her out and I faked I didn't hear her asking me the first time and she got very shy and her voice was trembling when i told her to repeat what she said. I said i lost signal and the call interrupted and didn't hear her the first time LOL. With a trembling voice she asked me if tomorrow i want to stay a little more after work and i said i don't know yet cause i got other plans. I'll still act cold and distant and tomorrow if she'll ask me again i ll meet her and tell her that i want another kind of relationship so she has to make her mind : either invest in this, commit and have some willing to learn new things or we will break up and that's it.

 

I really don t want these games anymore. For real, this is a game...me ignoring her and she is reacting to being ignored wtf is wrong with girls? What s your opinion on this? Thanks!

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Just tell her, this is not working.

Have a great life without me in it.

 

No need to make it a big deal. You don't love her, do you?

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. I'll still act cold and distant and tomorrow if she'll ask me again i ll meet her and tell her that i want another kind of relationship so she has to make her mind : either invest in this, commit and have some willing to learn new things or we will break up and that's it.

 

 

What s your opinion on this? Thanks!

 

 

Game playing. Game playing & more game playing. Ugh.

 

 

Do go ahead & be straight with her but you also need to be consistent. You like the fact that she chases when you act cold. This is not healthy.

 

 

Your 1st post complained that she's not interested in opening up. This push / pull BS is not advancing your connections to each other.

 

 

I initially told you that you can date her casually but you can't expect much more than some superficial laughs. You then said you were done but then you turn around & play games.

 

 

Until you pick a course of action & stick to it, there will be no progress. She can't steer this course but you are no better.

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  • 2 weeks later...
BarbedFenceRider

Ahhh, 25, what a time to be in relationships...lol

Seriously, she has baggage and is jerking the chain. Don't be surprised if she has other guys being jerked around also... Just is what it is.

Since you have to work with her, be very polite and curt. --This thing we are going through is not what I thought it was. Its time to just be friends.-- Probably ought to block her phone too. Try to look for girls to date that are fun to be around. Do not be the simp that waits around for the "one" girl to eventually like you. You will end up waiting a looong time.

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