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How did you find out [about a partner's/spouse's affair]?


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Long time member here.

 

I was just thinking yesterday about the Holiday and I noticed between this and other online forums that during the Holiday season there always seems to be an overwhelming amount of new arrivals that have recently discovered their spouse or significant other's infidelity.

 

For those of you dealing with this, how did you find out? Incidentally, I am the poster boy for bad reaction and lashing out upon discovery. I caught my fiance in my bed with my best friend 3 weeks before my wedding. I did the one thing that most people have revenge fantasies about, and physically attacked both my former friend and fiance without even thinking it was a bad idea.

 

It was. It was the worst thing I could have ever done, as it made an already bad situation exponentially worse. Suffice it to say, 2 people were in the hospital and I went to jail for a very long time. I am still paying for it nearly 30 years later, and rightfully so.

 

So with that in mind and The holidays seeming to be Affair Season, how did you find out and what did you do. Were you able to walk away? Fall to Pieces? Have a revenge Affair?

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Understandably but of course not justified.

Hopefully there is a special place in hell for people like her.

Did she want to get caught.

Whatever happen to them?

 

Good luck.

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Understandably but of course not justified.

Hopefully there is a special place in hell for people like her.

Did she want to get caught.

Whatever happen to them?

 

Good luck.

 

1)True. I can never even claim such actions were a mistake. I knew exactly what I was doing. Nothing I could ever say or do or what happened before hand justified by brutality. I only talk about it to provide a cautionary tale for anyone considering going after the participants. It certainly did not provide me any relief or feeling of vindication.

 

2) I look at it in terms now that at the time I was a ticking time bomb (heavy alcoholism, drug addiction, anger issues, doing criminal stuff) that if that incident didn't put me behind bars I was heading in a direction that something else would have. Back then none of this ever entered my mind. Regardless of what they did to me there was no excuse to physically hurt them. No excuse at all.

 

3) I don't think they wanted to get caught. But the thing that bothered me to the point of extending this madness was that once I received news during my stretch that others(friends?) knew about it and for one reason or another, did not inform me.

You would have thought after 4 years I'd have learned my lesson. Nope. Once i got out I decided I was going after those who knew and didn't tell me. And of course not only was that notion short lived, but I got shipped right back to jail when one figured out I was following him and lying in wait to eff him up.

 

4) Last time I heard about my ex was over 20 years ago. Last I knew she moved to Boston, started dancing, got hooked on smack and at that time was walking the streets of Boston for whatever reason. I am fairly sure my actions lent itself to her later issues

 

Infidelity is a gift that keeps on giving. Months, years, and decades later.

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Cullenbohannon

I have never struck a woman and never would.

 

However I have beat down a poacher...and enjoyed it. Some say violence is not the answer, and that is true. But amongst men, sometimes you got to do, what you got to do.

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Nothing quite so dramatic, in my case. I snapped a picture of the bite mark someone put on her ass while she was sleeping using the new IPod Touch I had bought for her as a gift... She got home the next day and I had her butt filling up a 65 inch flat screen TV for her viewing pleasure :D The bit*h didn't even recognize her own rear end at first, but did see the bite mark. Then I told her whose ass the bite mark belonged too and threw her out. :) I gave the Touch away...

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Long time member here.

 

I was just thinking yesterday about the Holiday and I noticed between this and other online forums that during the Holiday season there always seems to be an overwhelming amount of new arrivals that have recently discovered their spouse or significant other's infidelity.

 

For those of you dealing with this, how did you find out? Incidentally, I am the poster boy for bad reaction and lashing out upon discovery. I caught my fiance in my bed with my best friend 3 weeks before my wedding. I did the one thing that most people have revenge fantasies about, and physically attacked both my former friend and fiance without even thinking it was a bad idea.

 

It was. It was the worst thing I could have ever done, as it made an already bad situation exponentially worse. Suffice it to say, 2 people were in the hospital and I went to jail for a very long time. I am still paying for it nearly 30 years later, and rightfully so.

 

So with that in mind and The holidays seeming to be Affair Season, how did you find out and what did you do. Were you able to walk away? Fall to Pieces? Have a revenge Affair?

 

I found out because my spouse told me.

 

About three weeks later, he deployed for almost a year. We had to put reconciling on hold while he was away. When he got back, the proverbial sh@t hit the fan, and it was an absolute mess. His ex-ow became fixated on me and our kids, he had to go to his WO and explain the situation. That led to a whole new world of aggravation.

 

All these years later, and she is still a pest from time to time.

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2.50 a gallon

Ex-wife was a fantastic GF, fold out page body, and for 3 years it was sex, any where, any way. So I figured if I had to chose just one woman to spend the rest of my life, why not pick one the sexist ones in the crowd.

After we got married, the sex life died, as she put it she was my wife, not my wxxxx. She graduated from college and we moved out of state to her new job. Amongst her co-workers were a number of est members, a new age type cult, and they hooked her into taking their classes. The fights began.

On our six month anniversary, I tried to surprise her at work by having lunch with her. I was the one to get the surprise as I caught her kissing a body building guard in the parking lot. Lucky for me there was a chain link fence between us topped with razer wire.

Amongst the things I called her, I let her know it was unsafe for her to come home that night. The marriage was over. With no other place to go she when home that night with the guard.

When she came by a week later to get her things, she tried to rub salt in the wound by telling me, what a great guy her new boy friend was.

A month later, the two of them came by the apartment to attend a party the neighbor was throwing with his wife out of town. She knocked on the door claiming she wanted to spend some time with our cats, but in truth to rub more salt in the wound.

When she got ready to leave she threw her empty soda can in the garbage and discovered an empty champagne bottle. And knowing me she knew that I had not slept alone the previous nights. Instant 180, rolling on the floor, crying crocodile tears saying how she had made a mistake and wanting me back.

Too late.

As with you SR this was 3 decades ago.

A couple of years back I looked her up on the web and found a couple of photos. The years have not been kind to her, and she is easily pushing over 200 pounds. While for the past two decades I have shared my life with a granny, now a great grandma, who still has a hour glass figure

Edited by 2.50 a gallon
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Betrayed&Stayed
here is a movie clip I grabbed...Be like Jack!

 

 

-Wolf (1997)

 

No, be like Lester

 

 

How did I find out? My wife confessed 8 years after she ended her affair (lasted 3-4 months).

 

American Beauty came out on DVD soon after her affair (before I knew about it) and I loved this movie, especially this scene. At that time, I couldn't understand why my wife did not enjoy watching this movie with me. Now I get some satisfaction knowing that she had to cuddle with me on the couch (same couch she and OM had sex) while watching this scene.

 

OP, if I had discovered her affair in the moment, I would've done the same thing as you. Before I was married I worked in a rural area for a year. In the newspaper was an article about a man finding his wife in bed with another man. The BS shot and killed the OM on the spot. At that time I remember thinking, "What did the OM expect would happen if he got caught?"

Edited by Betrayed&Stayed
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I was suspicious of something untoward but not thinking an affair. I checked WS's cell phone. Saw texts about an accidental pregnancy.

 

Prior to this I thought WS might leave me. Had become distant and argumentative. I thought WS was far too good for an affair. WS would NEVER do that. Might leave me but that, no way. I was sure of that.

 

So when I saw the texts, I about died of shock on the spot. I was totally paralyzed. Could not feel anger. Just shock and grief.

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BarbedFenceRider
I was suspicious of something untoward but not thinking an affair. I checked WS's cell phone. Saw texts about an accidental pregnancy.

 

Prior to this I thought WS might leave me. Had become distant and argumentative. I thought WS was far too good for an affair. WS would NEVER do that. Might leave me but that, no way. I was sure of that.

 

So when I saw the texts, I about died of shock on the spot. I was totally paralyzed. Could not feel anger. Just shock and grief.

 

Duuude....She got pregnant? Did she end up keeping it? Or what...

Sorry bud.:eek:

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here is a movie clip I grabbed...Be like Jack!

 

 

-Wolf (1997)

 

 

 

Now...if some of us BHs could have had Michelle Pfieffer waiting in the wings like that? Oooooooooh that would be gooood.

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I did the normal sleuthing and found texts from my wife to her OM. Then I got on her computer, did more digging and found out about the six other men she had been having relations with for the previous two years.

 

 

I printed everything out and had a stack on the table waiting for her when she got home.

 

 

When she looked through them she had no reaction. No fear, no sadness, nothing. She said "I'm sorry, I'm just not cut out for marriage". Then she left that night and moved in with her OM of the week.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I was at home and on the iPad and my husband was out. I thought I would just go on find my phone app and send him a cute I found you messsge. Well I got more than I bargained for.

 

I saw he was driving where he wasn't supposed to be then he pulled into this street and I knew there was a hotel there.

 

So I waited about 15 minutes, called the hotel and asked for his room. He answered.

 

I just said I can't f'n believe it and I hung up. Started packing my stuff and he walked in the door about 20 minutes later.

 

He was mad at me for the way I found out. He turned off the find my phone feature. Lol.

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I was at home and on the iPad and my husband was out. I thought I would just go on find my phone app and send him a cute I found you messsge. Well I got more than I bargained for.

 

I saw he was driving where he wasn't supposed to be then he pulled into this street and I knew there was a hotel there.

 

So I waited about 15 minutes, called the hotel and asked for his room. He answered.

 

I just said I can't f'n believe it and I hung up. Started packing my stuff and he walked in the door about 20 minutes later.

 

He was mad at me for the way I found out. He turned off the find my phone feature. Lol.

 

Well you know cheaters expect the privacy to cheat.

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I was at home and on the iPad and my husband was out. I thought I would just go on find my phone app and send him a cute I found you messsge. Well I got more than I bargained for.

 

I saw he was driving where he wasn't supposed to be then he pulled into this street and I knew there was a hotel there.

 

So I waited about 15 minutes, called the hotel and asked for his room. He answered.

 

I just said I can't f'n believe it and I hung up. Started packing my stuff and he walked in the door about 20 minutes later.

 

He was mad at me for the way I found out. He turned off the find my phone feature. Lol.

Good for you for scoffing at his pathetic intimidation. This phenomenon is really baffling examined at face value. The WS, caught in flagrante delicto, still has the audacity to intimidate, chide, ridicule, dismiss or berate the BS for the accusation. My theory is that sometimes it's a pathetic effort by the WS to get the upper hand or at least distract attention from the real issue.
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I was suspicious of something untoward but not thinking an affair. I checked WS's cell phone. Saw texts about an accidental pregnancy.

 

Prior to this I thought WS might leave me. Had become distant and argumentative. I thought WS was far too good for an affair. WS would NEVER do that. Might leave me but that, no way. I was sure of that.

 

So when I saw the texts, I about died of shock on the spot. I was totally paralyzed. Could not feel anger. Just shock and grief.

 

I still have every text, every email, every call, every appointment for BJ's and sex in various parking lots and state parks and hotels rooms and most every rendezvous points. Some texts even very grachic about how it felt, what happened, the stains, bad tastes, the good tastes, the security camera's and on and on and on.......I even have every text she sent me denying it. She still denies it three years later. Four attorneys have seen everything I have, the Judge agreed with me. Countless others have seen them too. She though.....Still denies it.

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  • 2 weeks later...
TrustedthenBusted

I was suspicious after I caught her quickly clicking closing down a web chat mid sentence, and started snooping. I found everything, and went to her job the next day and confronted OM in the parking lot. It ended very quickly with aforementioned OM handily subdued in a very tight choke hold staring into the space between the curb, and the street contemplating the poor choices that brought him there. I then sat in a police car for about an hour without regret or embarrassment, and then in the holding tank at the local hoosegow for a couple more. No charges filed, and I was on my merry way to go home and enjoy my shattered life.

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TrustedthenBusted
I still have every text, every email, every call, every appointment for BJ's and sex in various parking lots and state parks and hotels rooms and most every rendezvous points. Some texts even very grachic about how it felt, what happened, the stains, bad tastes, the good tastes, the security camera's and on and on and on.......I even have every text she sent me denying it. She still denies it three years later. Four attorneys have seen everything I have, the Judge agreed with me. Countless others have seen them too. She though.....Still denies it.

 

Wait... are you still WITH this person?

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  • 3 weeks later...
Nothing quite so dramatic, in my case. I snapped a picture of the bite mark someone put on her ass while she was sleeping using the new IPod Touch I had bought for her as a gift... She got home the next day and I had her butt filling up a 65 inch flat screen TV for her viewing pleasure :D The bit*h didn't even recognize her own rear end at first, but did see the bite mark. Then I told her whose ass the bite mark belonged too and threw her out. :) I gave the Touch away...

 

Dam this line fcking cracked me up my dude ahahah thanks!!!

 

I had her butt filling up a 65 inch flat screen TV for her viewing pleasure The bit*h didn't even recognize her own rear end at first..

 

shiet she sure sounds like another brick on the wall.

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My exH had been acting like an a-hole for several months but kept denying anything was wrong.

 

He kept telling me I was imagining things and when I tackled him about cheating he flat-out lied saying "Do you think I'd be so stupid to wreck my marriage with some stupid girl from work? I've seen other managers do it and all the trouble it causes. You can't think much of me if you would think that"

 

One night I got suspicious and went to the place he was supposed to be playing football (soccer) and he wasn't there. One of the guys said "He must be at XYZ, because it's not here"

So I went to XYZ and he wasn't their either.

 

I went back home and waitied for him and demanded to know where he'd been. Finally he confessed.

I told him that it must stop right now.

He said "I don't want it to end, I lover her"

So I punched him in the mouth a couple of times hard.

 

He got the divorce papers the next week.

 

All these years later I will never forget that awful sinking feeling when I realised that what I had suspected was true.

 

As I've said on this forum before, it wasn't so much the cheating that hurt, it was the lies and gaslighting that scewed with my head. Finding out about his cheating was actually a relief because I knew I wasn't going crazy....

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My spider sense was telling me something was wrong but she keep denying it, so one morning, i texted her "i know you love another guy" , this was pure bluff. She texted me back "we have to talk" and confess the same night.

 

I was thinking she was loving another guy but no way she was with him since nearly 8 month.

 

She betrayed our 12 years together but our two kids too who was 3 and 1 at the time ...

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