I am lost!

[MartyGW]

I am a 66 year old male, with a partner who is 47. I am English, she is a French speaker, and although my French, her English is almost non-existent. She is a heavy smoker, I have never smoked. She said she would lessen her habit, but smokes more and more, up to 60 a day.

I was previously divorced after many years of marriage, she was married to a psychopath, who beat her, and had had 7 long term partners, me one marriage and several short terms relationships.

We met on Facebook, and she convinced me she loved me, and came to pick me up and all my things by truck from another country, to move into her house with her….. we had talked on Facebook for about 9 months, and have been living together for about a year.

Perhaps I was too smooth a talker, but I convinced her that I was very competent in the bedroom stakes, as I had been for years, but I found that my libido had decreased, even with Viagra.

This has disappointed her so much, she constantly tells me she is sick of life, and it is all work in her life, and no pleasure – she works at home, and as I am retired, I am here also…. All the time…..

As she considers I have let her down, I have tried to please her, but despite my efforts to seduce her, I am at a loose end, as all I do is not working. I have lost self confidence, I do not know how to get back the magic…. When I ask her for advice, she just tells me that it comes naturally, and none of her other partners ever had this problem – I never had it before either..

I have become apprehensive of doing the right/wrong thing, and am constantly In fear of her reaction to what she sees as a clumsy attempt to finally make her happy…. This has gone on all the time I am here, and despite reading books on the subject, they have not helped….. how do I try and recommence what we appeared to have at the beginning? She does not like flowers or chocolates, I cook clean and do maintenance so we have more time together, but every evening there is stoney silence, as she cannot relax, as it “bores” her…. I am not sure if I can put my arm around her, as she is so ingrained with doubt now, she offers no emotion that I please her… to get a cuddle is tantamount to violation from her expression….

I did not choose to start a relationship with a younger woman, my ex and others were almost all a similar age to me – it happened…. Can this work, and how can I succeed continually to please someone who says life is terrible, and is the hardest (yet softest) woman I know? I would be grateful for any advice, however hard it may feel to me – be honest! Thank you.

[MsJayne]

It sounds as though she's having second thoughts about the relationship, and maybe you're just being used as the live-in handyman. It's a huge thing to pack up and move to another country, (I assume you moved from somewhere to France), so I can understand your concerns. It sounds as though she has depression, but, no matter what she says, you are not responsible for it, but possibly you're a victim of it in that you're now very caught up in her life. As far as her disappointment in the bedroom, you're 66 so you really shouldn't be expected to be at it night and day, and if that's what she wants maybe she should find herself a 20 year old. I'm not surprised your libido is disappearing, a miserable, whining woman who smokes like Manchester's industrial area would be enough to make anyone's erection wilt.

[irresolute]

Marry, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this.

My guess is you're not happy with her either, and for that reason your libido is down. You mentioned she smokes a lot... could this be the reason? I ask because I don't smoke and I cannot stand the smell when smoke smokes nwxt me...

The fact she pushed you to leave your home abc to move with her might be as well another reason you're feeling sad. Do you miss your old home?

 

I hope you'll feel better

[spiderowl]

Sorry but it looks like the relationship is over. Why don't you just leave and go back to be with friends and family. There is no point staying with an unhappy partner.

[BaileyB]

The first thing that I thought when I read your story... You are not compatable at all - related to communication, smoking, previous relationship experiences, sexually... It's like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole

 

And, this woman is a nightmare. She is very demanding and mean. Why would you work so heard to please a woman who never seems to be pleased... and then blames you, and takes her frustration and aggregations out on you... You sound like a very nice man and you deserve more than that.

 

Sir, you need to think about how you want to spend your golden years. Living with this woman, would not be my choice...

Edited November 25, 2017 by BaileyB

[healing light]

Yes, most women would be happy with a man who takes care of the house, attempts to learn how to better please his partner in the bedroom, and is affectionate. Given that she is stone cold to the degree that you're afraid to put your arm around her, it doesn't sound like she is open to communicating, working on the relationship, or exploring further options with you sexually. I think it's best if you exit this before your self-esteem is completely in the dumps.

 

What was she expecting from you sexually anyway in terms of frequency? It's true that as men get older the refractory period increases, more stimulation may be required, etc. So I think it's a bit unfair to compare you to all the other people she's been with--inconsiderate at best.

 

One thing that I think will help regardless of whether you decide to stay is to pick up a hobby now that you're retired. One that takes you out of the house. This will help you to feel more engaged and happier, and give her the space to miss you in the event that she is inclined to do so. If you're always home and she's acting smothered and like she can't be bothered, I think it can only contribute to your sense of purpose and fulfillment while allowing her the space to miss you. In the very least, it will take your focus off of how unhappy she is all the time.

[Chilli]

Sounds like she's turning you off to me.

Turnoffs kill any sex drive , Just because she's younger doesn't mean anything.

My dad was still chasing mum around daily at 79 and one day when l was over and he just couldn't resist trying his luck with her l laughed my ass off.

He looks over chuckling and says what can l say, she still turns me on.