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Crappy birthday gift?


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Hey everyone, I really need some advice from someone that isn't myself and my girlfriend.

 

It was my girlfriend's birthday yesterday (we've been together for over four years) and I've unfortunately been hit or miss with my presents over the years. But I always mean well and try to make her birthday as enjoyable as possible.

 

So on her special day, I decided I was going to begin the day by taking her out for breakfast. She thoroughly enjoyed it, and then we headed home to take our dog on a nice winter walk before the second part of her gift. I was going to take her for a surprise manicure and pedicure because I know she had been trying to save money and had not indulged herself in that service for a while, so I figured that would be nice. And she also enjoyed that! And for the main part of the gift, I made her a card that had a quick poem about how I'm not the best gift picker and that I knew that she wanted to get a comfy sweat shirt-track pant combo (she was online shopping for it a few months ago but didn't pull the trigger because it was too expensive) and I figured that rather than buy her something that might not fit or suit her style, I would accompany her to the mall and let her pick out what she wanted! Unfortunately, she revealed that she had just ordered a sweat shirt a few days ago and was insistent that it's okay, she was just fine with what I had already done for her (I also told her we were going out for dinner to a nice Indian restaurant). Dinner went great too! But I also had a few smaller gifts for her when we got home. I got her a mandalin, licorice, a phone external battery charger, and some jewelry off Amazon that I thought looked quite nice (it wasn't crazy expensive, it was $70 for a silver pendant and matching earrings). Everything was all good until the jewelry! She just shut down and looked visibly upset/hurt. When she finally told me what was wrong, she went on about how she thought I just bought her a bunch of random crap off Amazon and that I wasn't being thoughtful with my gifts, certainly not as thoughtful as she is with her gifts (she is quite thoughtful, though I can't say I also love every single one of her gifts for me, but I would never tell her that because I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings, and gifts don't particularly mean much to me). I tried to explain that I was trying to be thoughtful, but I didn't anticipate her already ordering what I wanted to get her for the main part of her gift, but she responded that she felt that I "didn't really know her" especially because she had hinted that she wanted new snow pants a few weeks ago (I completely forgot about that, in hindsight).

 

So anyways, it ruined her night but I felt drained because I felt that I did spend a lot of time thinking about her day, but perhaps I don't know her as well as she would like and she just seems so hurt by it all.

 

Is it fair for her to feel that way towards me? Maybe I should pay more attention to what she really wants, but at the same time I find it so hard to relate because I could care less about what she got me for my birthday. I'm just not a materialistic person.

 

Anyways, I would really appreciate it if someone could weigh in and help me make sense of it all.

 

Thanks so much.

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Your girlfriend is a drama queen. When you're old like me, you will know that for lots of birthdays and Christmases, you will get a few meaning gifts which don't hit the mark. You smile and thank the person graciously. Hence the saying "it's the thought that counts" And the thought really does count...you've put in a HUGE effort and she's an ungrateful wretch.

 

That said, I have made a rule that I do not want anything with a power cord attached unless it's technology. It's quite reasonable to give our partners a bit of direction. She would do well to learn the fine art of hinting.

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Breakfast, a mani-pedi, the offer of clothes, a card with a hand-written poem, dinner & jewelry but she's complaining?

 

I think you ought to treat yourself to a new, grateful, appreciative GF. You made a substantial effort which deserved praise. Her reaction was self centered.

 

Because you came on here in search of advice about improving your gift giving, I will share some things with you. Consumables -- like meals in restaurants -- are not the best gifts because once the meal is eaten, there is no keepsake. Especially if treating each other to meals is part of your dating ritual, this does not feel like a gift because it's not vastly different from your routine. But it was part of your day of spoiling her so it was a lovely thought. Also telling her to pick something out feels a little like you forgot & this is the best you could come up with last minute. Since you know she was looking on line you would have been better served to have guessed at the size & color so that she could have unwrapped the actual outfit. (Always get a gift receipt so the person can return or exchange the item) Barring that a gift certificate to a department store would have been the better way to go. When we were first together including after we married my husband bought me the most atrocious things -- wrong style, wrong colors, wrong age range -- just not me at all. I smiled because he tried; took the stuff back, exchanged it for what I wanted, then bragged to everyone how wonderful the gift he got me (that I picked out) was. After a while I think he even believed he got it right.

 

For some people part of the gift receiving experience is having things to unwrap. I'd rather unwrap a $10 tube of mascara then be "treated" to a $100 dinner. Don't get me wrong, I love the celebratory dinner but there is something about the bow & shiny paper. You probably achieved this with the jewelry. Alone that should have been a sufficient gift

 

I also abhor gift cards. Many people prefer them because then the recipient can get what s/he wants & the giver doesn't have to worry about getting the wrong thing, color or size. To me, gift cards scream "I didn't care enough about you to even try to find something you like." That said, when I receive a gift card I profusely thank the giver for thinking of me. It's called good manners & being gracious. Your GF is rude & ungrateful. If you survive this, I suggest any book by Miss Manners or Emily Post for Christmas.

 

If you forgive her, when you both calm down, talk to her. You say she's a thoughtful gift giver. Ask her for her secret. Get her to teach you what she wants. Also get her to give you her sizes so you have them for the next occasion.

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she is acting out a power-display, move on

 

 

What does that mean?

 

I understand your advice to "move on."

 

But what does "acting out a power-display" mean? I really don't see some planned power play here. I see a spoiled little girl with no manners but not a plot to manipulate the OP.

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Four years together? Perhaps she was disappointed that the jewelry was not a small circle with a diamond on top? Have you talked to her about this?

Some women don't want to come out and say that they want a proposal but can't hide their disappointment when it doesn't come.

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Four years together? Perhaps she was disappointed that the jewelry was not a small circle with a diamond on top? Have you talked to her about this?

Some women don't want to come out and say that they want a proposal but can't hide their disappointment when it doesn't come.

 

I agree.

She got excited when the jewellery bit came up and then...

NO RING...

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Really do appreciate the replies. I am actually going to book an appointment with a couples therapist, and I talked to her about it and she was on board. I've noticed that during the winter months she exhibits a lot of symptoms of depression, to the point that fewer and fewer things seem to bring her joy as the winter progresses and I'm caught in a situation where I'm trying to do well by her but end up making things worse. I just wanted an outsider opinion on whether or not it was warranted for her to act that way before I made any judgements for myself. As for the ring, we have certainly discussed it and she has even shown me an image of her "perfect ring". But I don't think proposing would solve some of the inherent issues in our relationship right now. Thanks again everyone, it really means a lot.

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somanymistakes

It's not so much that proposing is a great idea or that you definitely should do it, but if she thought it was coming and it wasn't, that would explain why she was suddenly upset.

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When I was very young a friend of mine had just got engaged and I was certain that I was about to receive "a ring" for my birthday too.

The jewellery box showed up and when I opened it, I was literally disgusted with the "lovely" and "romantic" silver pendant that he had bought for me...

 

As far as I was concerned, we never really recovered from that, I just didn't feel the same about him ever again, the moment had passed...

It would have been madness for him to propose in reality - far too young, but I had convinced myself...

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If she can't resolve her winter depression are you still planning to stay with her?

 

What if it's not winter depression and it's just that she's entitled and bratty?

 

Do you have an idea of what YOUR healthy boundary looks like?

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Note to self: Don't get girlfriend jewelry for her next birthday, which will be her fourth birthday with me.

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20 years ago I got my gf a new clock radio for her birthday. she really needed one badly.

 

when I gave it to her she threw it at me just missing my head. I didn't hear the end of it for a whole week...not to mention no nookie too.

 

I broke up with her a few months later even though the sex was the best I've ever had.

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LivingWaterPlease

What a wonderful day you planned with surprises all day long! I can't imagine having a bf do these things for me and not having a blast with it!

 

This girl has some big issues to have behaved this way unless the two of you have other issues you haven't posted about that would contribute to her seeming so unhappy with your efforts. You are wise not to propose now, IMO.

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As for the winter depression thing, could be seasonal affectation. Defs discuss it with the therapist.

 

In terms of the gifts, it sounds to me like you were incredibly generous and thoughtful. I really don't think it's fair for partners to expect each other to be not just mind readers, but to have such a high level of prescience as to be psychic!

 

I'm a fan of having a wishlist to help others out. Doesn't mean they have to buy something from it, but it gives an idea of what I like. My xH loved this about me; that I never resorted to trying to hint when his brain just didn't work that way. And he often surprised me with gifts that were inspired by, as opposed to straight off the list.

 

Would your gf be open to helping you out in this way? (Although I think you did pretty darn well without it!)

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I understand where some ladies are saying she might be disappointed that you did not propose to her after 4 years. That is a distinct possibility. However, an emotionally stable adult should be able to mask such disappointment tactfully and show appreciation for the gifts she received.

 

After four years together, nothing should be 'masked.' Agree that GymRat gave a wonderful birthday...a plausible explanation for behavior doesn't = a good idea as far as a proposal is concerned.

 

Maybe GymRat should consider if this relationship has stagnated to a point that both parties aren't content. It's tough to think about ending a long relationship around the holidays.

 

OP's gf of four years has a perfect ring picked out. It's on her mind most likely as most grown adults in a committed relationship. She may have seasonal affective disorder...or she may be progressively bummed out after her birthday since year two. :)

 

Four years meandering without direction means just that, imo.

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After four years together, nothing should be 'masked.'

Right. IF the underling issue here is that she's upset at not receiving a ring, she shouldn't be masking it by acting entitled and bratty and being upset at OP after he gave her such a wonderful day. She should communicate like an adult.

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Right. IF the underling issue here is that she's upset at not receiving a ring, she shouldn't be masking it by acting entitled and bratty and being upset at OP after he gave her such a wonderful day. She should communicate like an adult.

 

Right. Plausible explanation doesn't equal ideal.

 

It's their relationship and there is an impasse on both their parts, obviously.

 

tl;dr: agree

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Really do appreciate the replies. I am actually going to book an appointment with a couples therapist, and I talked to her about it and she was on board. I've noticed that during the winter months she exhibits a lot of symptoms of depression, to the point that fewer and fewer things seem to bring her joy as the winter progresses and I'm caught in a situation where I'm trying to do well by her but end up making things worse. I just wanted an outsider opinion on whether or not it was warranted for her to act that way before I made any judgements for myself. As for the ring, we have certainly discussed it and she has even shown me an image of her "perfect ring". But I don't think proposing would solve some of the inherent issues in our relationship right now. Thanks again everyone, it really means a lot.

 

SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder. Look it up. If your girlfriend has this, the best gift you can get for her is a light panel. It is basically a lamp that outputs full spectrum daylight. My mother had a touch of this and yeah, nothing could make her happy on those cold, foggy, grey winter days...:(

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Everything was all good until the jewelry! She just shut down and looked visibly upset/hurt.

 

By your own accounting she was fine and even grateful until the jewelry. She was ungrateful and unkind, but she wasn't being honest with you---she was clearly expecting a ring and didn't get it. That doesn't excuse what she did; it was rude and unkind, but understandable, to an extent. I agree with the general advice that jewelry is a bad idea for anyone who isn't your wife. It can lead to so many misunderstandings and hurt feelings.

 

SAD is real but it's not your issue here. If you believe you guys have serious underlying problems after four years, problems that make you uncertain about your future together, you need to separate. Full stop.

Edited by lana-banana
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Maybe I should pay more attention to what she really wants, but at the same time I find it so hard to relate because I could care less about what she got me for my birthday.

 

She’s not you. Gifts matter to her like they do to a lot of people. I guess she thought she made it clear that she wanted snow pants and you seemed to understand that too but then forgot. The fact that you forgot what she actually wanted made her feel unimportant to you.

 

she went on about how she thought I just bought her a bunch of random crap off Amazon and that I wasn't being thoughtful with my gifts

 

The charger and the licorice does make it seem like you just bought random stuff off Amazon. It doesn’t seem like you put thought into it other than, I need to buy gifts, I know I’ll go on Amazon.

 

I agree with others that if she has a ring picked out, you shouldn’t give her any jewelry unless you propose because every time she sees a jewelry box she’s going to think that the proposal has arrived. After four years, it isn’t crazy for her to feel that way. A lot of women believe that they should leave if there’s no proposal after two years precisely so that they don’t end up in this situation. 4 years invested, no wedding in sight, and having to threaten and cajole to try to get a proposal when she may end up dumped instead.

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