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Boyfriend With Deep-Rooted Intimacy Issues & Wanting to Change


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I need some advice.

 

My boyfriend and I have been together 9 months. He’s 29, I’m 27. I feel like we are very good for each other. We truly do bring out the best in one another, we want the best for each other and we are both always pushing the other one to be a better person. It’s the most rewarding relationship I’ve ever been in as far as personal growth & being challenged.

 

However, we are quite incompatible in a few ways. Actually, I’m unsure if it’s incompatibility or separate issues we each have to overcome.

He was raised the youngest sibling with an older sister who was severely disabled. Due to this, his needs were not met as a child by his parents. During his key developmental years, he was only able to rely on himself, learned to self-soothe and was not given a lot of attention by his parents. He has grown up to be extremely independent, suffers from social anxiety and has some fairly serious intimacy issues. He doesn’t like physical or verbal affection very much (outside the bedroom), often withdraws/creates emotional distance when we get closer, craves alone time, often gets quite moody & can’t really explain why, has a very difficult time expressing his feelings, has a defense mechanism of turning everything into a joke when things get serious & hates being proven wrong. He knows that he does these things, because as soon as he realizes it, he apologies and hugs me, saying he doesn't know why he's like this & he's sorry. Most (if not all) of his friendships are surface level only. He had no real close friends, the closest person to him would be myself, and we haven’t even known each other a year yet.

 

In my case, I also suffer anxiety (general, not social) and have difficulty trying not to take a lot of the above personally which definitely puts a strain on things. I grew up the eldest child and had no issues during my developmental years. I don’t find it hard to connect with another person, however for him it’s the most difficult thing in life that he faces. With this in mind, I often find myself feeling neglected/ignored by him where I assume he probably sometimes feels quite overwhelmed. Because he doesn’t understand my more inter-dependent ways, he sometimes says he thinks I rely on him too much or am too needy. I need to remind him that I’m not needy and there is nothing wrong with me – we just have different needs/attachment styles.

 

Since we’ve been together, he has changed a lot. He has been to see a psychologist in the past (before we met) so he’s very aware of his issues. He has made some strides in challenging the way he goes about things with us, however the process has been very very slow. He was very slow to connect/bond with me, still sometimes seems uncomfortable around me for no real reason.

 

We have a lot of regular discussions about the relationship. Probably too many, and he’s honestly a saint for putting up with my constant discussions, however I feel that it’s necessary. Through our discussions, I’ve learned that he is afraid of being let down & hurt by others so he prefers to just rely on himself, however he knows that this is no way to live & he wants to be different. He knows that he is too independent/self-reliant and needs to open himself up to let other people in sometimes but he finds it extremely difficult. He says he absolutely loves being with me, and he does not want anybody else, however he realizes that he may not be able to give me the kind of relationship that I would prefer/deserve. He says he’s always kind of thought I could do a lot better than him. He wants to try, and he says he thinks he’s getting better (which is true). He’s kind of torn between wanting me to be happy no matter what that means, and not wanting to lose me.

 

I am kind of in the same boat about being torn. Being with him is really difficult sometimes, but being without him would be even more difficult. I'm sure there are men out there who would be able to look after me & treat me the way I deserve to be treated, but I don't want them, I want him. Despite all the difficulties, I still look at him and just think he’s the greatest person, and I love being around him. We have not said “I love you” to each other, however I’m sure that he knows that I love him. We both have openly said that we feel we have so much potential as a couple, if only we are able to get past these barriers.

 

I just don’t know what I can do to try and help him. I know that he can only help himself, however is there anything I can do to try and make things easier? I try and give him space & time to himself which he really needs, but then this takes a toll on me because I miss him. I don’t want to be around him constantly or anything; I don’t really know what it is that bothers me about it – maybe I just crave reassurance from him that I never get.

 

I also need some advice on how to look after myself while we are working through this. I feel like I have been very strong for 9 months, but the stress & anxiety around this relationship is a lot to handle. I want to be understanding & patient, but I spend far too much time thinking about the relationship and it sometimes becomes quite obsessive thinking. I just care about him, and us, so much – I want to be able to make everything run smoothly, but I just don’t know how. We are both working really hard to try and make this work, but is that the problem – are we trying too hard??

Edited by twentysix
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I know you love him but you are having to be the strong one and try to manage this relationship. You are asking how you can help him. Does he care about how he can help you to cope? You are finding this a strain.

 

I get the feeling he's more introverted than you perhaps and needs more time alone. This is not necessarily anything to do with his background but is a fundamental personality thing.

 

You want love and reassurance and he doesn't seem to be giving you what matters to you. You can either learn to live without it or seriously consider whether you will ever get what you need from your boyfriend. Have you thought he may not want to change to be the way you want him to be?

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