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Old 20th November 2017, 9:30 PM   #16
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GIGS strikes again. There's nothing you can say. I'd give no advice and stay out of it.
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Old 21st November 2017, 5:11 AM   #17
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Wow! He's going to do what he's going to do, I guess. The grass is always greener. He's fallen into the humdrum of normal life with his current GF with responsibility and parenthood, and along comes someone new and exciting. Maybe it's a catalyst for realizing he hasn't been happy with his GF for quite some time and it's time to part ways, or maybe it's just the excitement and infatuation of the newness that he doesn't have with the current GF anymore.

You can't be "in love" after one month. After two months or three, when the typical honeymoon phase wears off, he may not really like this new woman as much as he feels he does now. We don't know.

He should know better about getting involved with this woman as well. One month sober...don't they have to wait at least a year? I think he really does need to think about his current GF and really reflect...can they do anything to spark things up or is it really dead? If it's not working out, it's not working out, but jumping from one long-term relationship into a fling and leaving over it is not the best way to go about it, and I do agree that the circumstances with alcohol could become a problem, given this new woman is brand new to sobriety.

I don't know. It's not good. I think all you can do is be supportive, but maybe point out some sensibility as it relates to his long-time GF, shaky ground with the new woman, etc. You're friends with both of these people, right? I think you may also want to not be put in the middle of this. It depends on your relationship with the two of them. I mean, if he's primarily your friend, not her, that's one thing, but if you're good friends with both, you're in a precarious place.
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Old 21st November 2017, 5:57 AM   #18
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Despite dating for 5 years they have never progressed to moving in together, he says he has not felt anything for about 2 years and now he sees a way out, a new woman...

He needs to split up ASAP with his gf and then he needs to take a huge step back.

I guess he is grabbing onto the first person to give him any attention since he started looking around again and unfortunately she is an asexual, newly sober alcoholic...

He needs to be made aware of the unsuitability of this person, but if she is indeed the only person to give him any recent romantic encouragement then he will be loathe to give her up.
He may be adopting a KISA role, and that may feel good too. As an alcoholic he has had to accept that he is the problem, the one who needs help, he may have ended up resenting his gf for that.
Now HE can be the "saviour".
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Old 21st November 2017, 6:17 AM   #19
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Originally Posted by BaileyB View Post
Clearly, it's not a healthy connection. For her - they usually advise recovering alcoholics not to make any life changes or get into any new relationships for one year. HE must know this, if he's been sober for 5 years.
My friend has been sober for 20 + years close to 25 I think.
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Old 21st November 2017, 6:21 AM   #20
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Despite dating for 5 years they have never progressed to moving in together, he says he has not felt anything for about 2 years and now he sees a way out, a new woman...

He needs to split up ASAP with his gf and then he needs to take a huge step back.

I guess he is grabbing onto the first person to give him any attention since he started looking around again and unfortunately she is an asexual, newly sober alcoholic...

He needs to be made aware of the unsuitability of this person, but if she is indeed the only person to give him any recent romantic encouragement then he will be loathe to give her up.
He may be adopting a KISA role, and that may feel good too. As an alcoholic he has had to accept that he is the problem, the one who needs help, he may have ended up resenting his gf for that.
Now HE can be the "saviour".
There are many elements I can use in this thank you. I spoke to him again last night and he told me he needs to do a lot of thinking. I am not sure he's telling the truth when he says he lost his feelings for his gf 2 years ago. The honeymoon phase may have ended 2 years ago but that's not falling out of love.
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Old 21st November 2017, 6:27 AM   #21
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He feels the sobriety connection.. not love...

I can meet an Alcoholic for the first time and know they are one before they tell me.. at least most of the time that is..

We have a connection of sorts, the way we carry ourselves, the way we speak of our past etc etc etc..

At 25 years sober he should be 12th stepping this person not trying to get in her pants.

Her sobriety legs are shaky and he will undo any chance she has at remaining sober if he try's to have a relationship with her this early in her sobriety.

He needs to mentor her not use her.
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Old 21st November 2017, 6:29 AM   #22
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as for the GF, if he treats the new girl like someone trying to get sober and helps her maybe he will fall back into his relationship with the GF..
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Old 21st November 2017, 6:46 AM   #23
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Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post
I told him it's not love but infatuation.

He told me there is no sex between them as she is non-sexual.


That's aHUGE issue...Enormous.....Unless he's lying(and I highly doubt he is) they don't have a storybook romance you think they do...They don't have much, really...from a romantic relationship perspective...

This new woman twists his knobs..Period.....He's at the stage of life where snoozing loses...Wish him well and that's that...I don't see why you think you need to counsel or have some type of intervention...

A similar situation came to my attention with a buddy of mine that I have known for 25 years...He has way more to lose than this guy, but the situation is similar...It's unfortunate I suppose, but its not really my place to start telling him what he should do or that its a mistake....If it winds up being a mistake its his problem and I am sure he weighed the consequences and pro's and con's thoroughly...That's what most guys do...They don't necessarily share it with their circle, though...

TFY
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Old 21st November 2017, 6:54 AM   #24
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Clinical studies have shown that prolonged (alcohol) abuse causes irreversible damage to the nerves in the penis, which results in alcohol-induced erectile dysfunction.
Maybe the fact she is asexual may be a bonus to him.
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Old 21st November 2017, 8:45 AM   #25
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Maybe the fact she is asexual may be a bonus to him.

She said he's been sober for the last 25 years...Probably not the issue...And the fact that the OP knows about it, means it's not a "bonus"...

But even if he couldn't get it up, perhaps he wants more than an asexual "being" around him at this point in his life..Most people would, no??

TFY
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Old 21st November 2017, 8:56 AM   #26
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Originally Posted by thefooloftheyear View Post
She said he's been sober for the last 25 years...Probably not the issue...And the fact that the OP knows about it, means it's not a "bonus"...

But even if he couldn't get it up, perhaps he wants more than an asexual "being" around him at this point in his life..Most people would, no??

TFY
As it says in the article irreversible nerve damage so it is perfectly possible he has ED resulting from his alcoholism.
If he has a problem performing then yes it may take all the pressure off if sex is off the menu. No sex does not necessarily mean no cuddling, no touch, no physical affection.
Who knows what he wants or needs, but HE doesn't seem bothered by it and that is really all that matters.
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Old 21st November 2017, 9:00 AM   #27
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
As it says in the article irreversible nerve damage so it is perfectly possible he has ED resulting from his alcoholism.
If he has a problem performing then yes it may take all the pressure off if sex is off the menu. No sex does not necessarily mean no cuddling, no touch, no physical affection.
Who knows what he wants or needs, but HE doesn't seem bothered by it and that is really all that matters.

My mistake....

I thought she was saying the original gf is asexual... If the new one is asexual, then that is kind of odd....

Disregard last two posts, all....

TFY
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Old 21st November 2017, 9:08 AM   #28
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So, he's been sober for 5 years, and the girlfriend has been around for 7? Most likely, she has been there for the OP during some trying times...Sad.
I would advise that the new girl is is no position to be starting a relationship. Isn't that kinda like Co-Dependency? If he is feeling on the outs with his girlfriend, why not communicate with each other and maybe get some insight to these new connections and feelings. And how the feelings were when his girlfriend started with him. I would venture they are the same.
On other news, you sound like a great friend to have. You don't pull any punches and yet you seem very sincere and caring. I miss having a friend like that. OP, your buddy is very lucky. God bless.
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Old 21st November 2017, 9:28 AM   #29
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Originally Posted by Gaeta View Post
I told him it's not love but infatuation.

He told me there is no sex between them as she is non-sexual.

He said he feels a connection with new girl and he feels he knows more about her in a month than he knows about his gf of 5 years. Which is a total non-sense. He's infatuated and totally blind. After 1 month he knows nothing of this new woman. It's all a trick of the brain.

My friend is 20 years sober and he met her at an AA meeting, she is a new member, 1 MONTH sober. She will cause his fall.
Who is not sexual, the old GF or the new GF?

If it's the old one then he should dump her.

He is dating the old GF. Dating is not marriage. Dating is the
trying out the other person. If he has decided that old GF is not
worth seeing any more. He should break up with her.

I also add this. Five years and he has not committed shows that
he never valued this old GF very highly. This shows that she should
be set free so someone that truly wants and appreciated her, can
have her.
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Old 21st November 2017, 9:53 AM   #30
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Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
So, he's been sober for 5 years, and the girlfriend has been around for 7? Most likely, she has been there for the OP during some trying times...Sad.
NO, he has been sober for 20+ nearly 25 years...
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