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My Daughter-in-law


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Hello, I am safia. I have a relationship problem. Actually it is not directly my problem but I am connected to it.So I need some urgent suggestions.I am 52 years old and a school teacher. I had a very lovely small family with my husband and only son.But my husband passed away in 2008.My son was doing very good private job and also taking care of his father's business.He got married.Everything was running smoothly. But God took him away as he met an car accident.It has been almost 2 years now. I told my daughter-in-law to remarry, her parents also forced her to remarry.But she refused. I assured her that her son I mean my grandchild who is 3 will get 80% of my property and remain 30% will I keep to myself and will be donated to any charity after my death.Even I was ready to make the will paper as soon as possible. But she refused all, she won't leave this house or me.She has taken the responsibility of our family business.Our society is very conservative, so many people rold many things when she take the business responsibility in her hand( it is a buusiness of vehicle parts, tires etc.) She is running the business very well. But she doesn't spend money at her own wish. She asks money from me when she needs.However, we thought her mind would change and she will get married. But nothing changed. Her parents lost all hope of her remarriage. I know she is young and I will not be there all life. So I tried to get a man for her, but no result. I even made my mind if she has a boyfriend I wouldn't mind.Our relation is like real mother and daughter. I told her once if she had any boyfriend and she could bring him at home, I wouldn't mind.But she was very angry at that. Now I want suggestion how to make her agree to have a relation again?

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Please leave the girl alone

 

You can't force someone to marry or love again.

 

They can do it when the time comes if it ever comes.

 

Just let her continue what she is doing and stop listening to people

 

where were the people when your husband and beautiful son died?

 

Did they help you and stood by your side when you cried or did they just come to the funeral and vanished after 2 to three days.

 

Why do you care for people so much!

 

They will always judge and hurt but no real benefits can come out of them.

 

 

If she is really your daughter, then you wouldn't want to get rid of her and make her miserable just because people talk!

 

A real mother will shut up everyone who talk bad about her daughter or son ( conservative community or not)

 

You know all these people who talk bad have rotten stuff that is way worse than a girl running a family business.

 

 

 

The girl has suffered enough, let her be!

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Thank u so much for ur comnent. I belong to such a society where people are maximum conservative muslims. Many people told me she would take all my property and run away, she would kill me bla, bla. But I really didn't hear to them. Many of my relatives has eyes on our property as our family has no adult male now. By the way I love her very much as a daughter as I don't have a daughter of my own. And yes, I am arranging to will my property to my grandchild but he can claim it only after my daeth and when he is 18. Tushi(daughter-in-law) is a blessing for me, but I am unlucky I lost both my husband and son. Tushi has made our family business more profitable than before, and I wonder a shy girl like her now changed into a rough business lady. I also thinking to give her some property and that will be only her, she can use that as per she wants. But I wanted her remarry as life is really hard without a partner, however she has sexual needs too.

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It's noble what you are doing and she obviously looks at you as family and you need her. It's not like that part ended.

 

 

She is not ready and may not ever be ready to for another relationship. Let that part go. You want her to be happy obviously and being on her own right now makes her happy.

 

 

I do think it is good if you gave her something of her own and let her know that it makes you happy if she spends money and starts to enjoy herself more. Let her know you are not forcing it on her but giving it to her because that would make you happy so it is about you and not her.

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I am sorry for your losses.

 

 

She is trying to honor her husband & you. Stick up for her & get her parents to support that choice to.

 

 

It's been almost 10 years since you lost your husband yet you have not remarried. She can't really tell her to do what you say when you aren't doing it either.

 

 

Your heart is in the right place but don't push the girl. Enjoy time with your grandson.

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I am sorry for your losses.

 

 

She is trying to honor her husband & you. Stick up for her & get her parents to support that choice to.

 

 

It's been almost 10 years since you lost your husband yet you have not remarried. She can't really tell her to do what you say when you aren't doing it either.

 

 

Your heart is in the right place but don't push the girl. Enjoy time with your grandson.

 

Exactly this. She will remarry, when she meets someone who opens her heart to the idea again. Until that day, you can't force her to love or marry again.

 

You are well intended, but it is her life to live - not yours.

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Thank u everybody for being with me and sharing ur views. I am really glad that I found some well wishers here. Ok, Iost my 2 dear ones, it is true. But it is also true my daughter-in-law and my grandchild is now my new world. My daughter-in-law rather I call her my daughter is really a blessing for me. I thought she would leave when my son died but she didn't and I already told about that.You will be surprised that she was raised in a very conservative family. So she was a shy housewife. But the accident has made her strong. Our family business is profiting more and more as she started handling it.

 

But I want to share something that may be sound awkward.I am a teacher, I am educated. So I am not like other traditional mother-in-laws in our locality. I don't believe that her husband died so she has to live a barren life. She is young. She has her sexual needs. I know sexual needs are at peak at the age she is passing. Ok, u may call me insane that why I am telling all about that. As I love her as my own daughter so I wanted to remarry her. By the way it is her own decision to marry or not. But I will kepp my words I actually made to myself.

 

I told her if she has any boyfriend she can date with him, bring him to our home, and she can also have sex if she wants. But she didn't like it and was angry at me. So I am letting it go. Now we are a happy family of three members. She goes to shop 10 am and returns evening. I decided to leave my primary school job. But Tushi told me not to leave as I am holding the Head mistress position and anyway I have just few years to retire. Someties I take my grandson with me to school, sometime he goes with his mother. We didn't keep any baby-sitter as Tuahi doesn't feel safe to keep her son with anybody else.

 

We lost our dear ones, we lost our guardians, but now we moving on. Tushi told me her wish is to bring up her son well. And yes, all our dreams are building up for this little angel. my grandson. Me and my daughter(daughter -in-law) now do shopping, travelling with my grandson. Please pray for us.

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My heart goes out to you for your losses. :’( I think it is very selfless of you to encourage your daughter-in-law to move forward and I’m sure in time with the great support system she has in you she will be ready to. :) The fact that she’s not ready to yet is a great testament of how much she loved your son. Until that time I will be praying that you enjoy each other‘s company and friendship and that God will give you complete healing. Have you considered looking into something like grief share? Maybe you can suggest it to your daughter-in-law also. It’s nationwide. I met people that we’re going through the same emotions I was through the program. It gave me a great support system and it gave me the tools I needed to start the healing process after my mother passed away. I also talk to my pastor and a Christian counselor. Both were helpful and very supportive. Have you considered talking to either one of these? They may be able to help you and your daughter-In-law too. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. <3 I’m glad you did. Please keep us posted

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It is thoughtful of you to consider your daughter-in-law's needs. At least she knows now that you would be tolerant if she had a boyfriend. You obviously care for her and it sounds like she cares for you. She has made a success of the business which I am sure is a help to you.

 

I would not worry about her sexual needs - that is up to her. I am sure if she felt such needs, she would be seeking a partner for herself. Maybe she is choosy and will find someone in the long term rather than someone in a hurry. She lost someone very special as you did. I am sure she could find someone to fulfil the role of a husband but it was not just a role to her or you.

 

Be happy that your daughter-in-law is achieving good things for her family. While marriage is seen as very important in your society, it is not seen the same way in every society. I am sure you are aware of that. I understand there are pressures that make it hard for you not to worry about this. I hope you find the strength to give your daughter-in-law the freedom to choose what she wants to do with regard to a relationship and marriage. You both sound very special people.

Edited by spiderowl
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My heart goes out to you for your losses. :’( I think it is very selfless of you to encourage your daughter-in-law to move forward and I’m sure in time with the great support system she has in you she will be ready to. :) The fact that she’s not ready to yet is a great testament of how much she loved your son. Until that time I will be praying that you enjoy each other‘s company and friendship and that God will give you complete healing. Have you considered looking into something like grief share? Maybe you can suggest it to your daughter-in-law also. It’s nationwide. I met people that we’re going through the same emotions I was through the program. It gave me a great support system and it gave me the tools I needed to start the healing process after my mother passed away. I also talk to my pastor and a Christian counselor. Both were helpful and very supportive. Have you considered talking to either one of these? They may be able to help you and your daughter-In-law too. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story. <3 I’m glad you did. Please keep us posted

 

Thank u very much! I am glad that u gave me such a nice suggestion. But actually we are not familiari with the thing u told here. But it is true though many of my relatives just has an attraction for the property my husband left but many of them stood by me in my bad time, they consoled me. They gave me suggestions. But now me and my daughter(daughter-in-law) both are best friends to each other. Believe me, after such accidents in our life, we became more close, more friendly. I care for her, she respects me, cares me. That is all. I couldn't change my fate, so I lost my dears. Now she is my friend, my child. Both of us now focusing to bring up my grandson well. I share everything with her, and she does the same.I really want her to be happy. She is more than my daughter-in-law.

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It is thoughtful of you to consider your daughter-in-law's needs. At least she knows now that you would be tolerant if she had a boyfriend. You obviously care for her and it sounds like she cares for you. She has made a success of the business which I am sure is a help to you.

 

I would not worry about her sexual needs - that is up to her. I am sure if she felt such needs, she would be seeking a partner for herself. Maybe she is choosy and will find someone in the long term rather than someone in a hurry. She lost someone very special as you did. I am sure she could find someone to fulfil the role of a husband but it was not just a role to her or you.

 

Be happy that your daughter-in-law is achieving good things for her family. While marriage is seen as very important in your society, it is not seen the same way in every society. I am sure you are aware of that. I understand there are pressures that make it hard for you not to worry about this. I hope you find the strength to give your daughter-in-law the freedom to choose what she wants to do with regard to a relationship and marriage. You both sound very special people.

 

Thank u very much for ur comment! I am very much happy that I am getting the chance to meet u nice people who are may be from another countries and even I don't know you in real life. That's the magic of internet I think. All of u are very helpful and nice minded. When I am reading ur comments I am getting more hope to live a happy life.

 

You are right, in our society marriage is very important. Because our society is ruled by males. When my daughter-in-law decided to handle our family business, everyone were very much surprised. She is graduated, and graduated women nowadays doing jobs in private sector or government offices in our country. But a woman running a car accessories business where all the staffs are male, customers are male, and the shop is in an open place full of people seemed awkward to everyone at first. Even Tushi's parents were not happy at this decision. They wanted to take her to village where they live and marry her off again. They are not wrong at their side. Even I also wanted that and that was expected by all. It is normal in our society. Nobody believed that she would stay with me. Many people mocked me and Tushi for running the business by a girl. Many of them offered me to sell the business as we couldn't run it anymore as we don't had any male member in family. Tushi stood against it and said she would keep alive her father-in-law and husband's business. And finally I agreed with her.

 

When she took the responsibility our business was in a falling condition, becoz my son's main job was another, he handled the business as an additional job. Moreover, he was emotionally connected to the shop as my husband ran it before and it was our source of livelihood. After my son's death 2-3 months business ran randomly without any supervision by one of our staffs. When Tushi joined the shop first day, even one of our staff tried to mock her. That day she slapped that boy and fired him. This is all true. This is how she started her business life. We fired 2 staffs out of four and kept other 2 who are honest and helpful. All decisions was taken by both of us. She shares me everything. And I am very much astonished that Tushi was so expert in business. Now our shop's monthly profit is nearly 500-625 $ that is huge in our currency. I repeat this is the only profit amount. Sometimes the profit is even more. So, I call her laxmi( goddess of wealth) in Indian mythology or religion, though I am a muslim. When I brought her to my home as my daughter-in-law, she was a shy housewife, whose only concern was her husband, child, and family. She was very family minded girl, not a business or job doing type. My son told her to do job if she wanted but she was more comfortable in housewife role.

 

I lost my husband but I was aged enough and I had an adult son, so I didn't thought to marry again. My worst luck, I lost my only child, my only son in a few years after my husband. This incident was a bolt from the blue. I can't express the grief of losing a son who went for official trip in morning and at evening I got news he is no more with us. I was totally shattered. If Tushi was not there and my grandson was not there may be I would also die. By the way I consoled her and she consoled me. And now we are more than in a formal relationship. She is now my best friend, my daughter.

 

However, I am not that person that I will be angry if my daughter -in-law marry again when my son is no more in this earth. I am educated. I am not like other typical mother-in-laws in our country. I don't think that her husband died so she has to live a colorless life. Yes, I would be happiest if my son was there and I could see them living happily. But I can't change my destiny. When she refused to marry, I told her directly not indirectly that if she want to stay with me and not to marry then she can date someone, can bring her boyfriend at our home even she can have sex. In our society and religion that's a bad idea, as it is not allowed to have sex with someone u are not married. But I gave her that freedom, becoz my son I mean her husband died but her physical needs didn't die. I know sexual needs are not everything in our life to live. But you can't deny it is something that is needed very much at young age. If other people know about this that I proposed my son's wife to have sex with other everybody will hate me, even Tushi's parents will hate me, as they are village living and very much conservative. I told her if u like anyone bring him home, or date him outside, I have no objection. I also told her u don't have to worry about ur son. I will take care of him. You can pass time with your friend at our home anytime. The whole house is yours.

 

By the way she didn't like this idea, and I know how much she loved my son though it was an arranged marriage. And in our society a mother-in-law is never such friendly with son's wife I think. I am not trying to get credit, I am just telling the reality. I even told her that whenever u date someone u must use a condom as u have a child who depends on u and u shouldn't have done unsafe sex. At first she was angry at me, laughed at me and said I gone mad. She even didn't believe that I would be so frank to her. But she told me she don't has any plan to marry or have a relation. She wants to bring up her son well, and I want too. Now the kid is our world. Now she goes to shop morning and returns evening, I also go school at 10 a.m. and return at noon. I try to cook and do other household works so that she doesn't has much pressure after she returns home from shop. But yet she joins me in cooking and household works. What else u can ask to God more than such a nice daughter-in-law, I rather call her daughter. We arranged food for 20 street children at my son's death anniversary. And all of u, who commented here will be glad to know that I made her open an bank account of her own and gave her 6250$ approximately in her account what is totally her, I just gifted her that money.

 

When I look at her face, I feel sorry. She is happy outside but she misses her husband as I miss my son. I am now not totally forcing her to marry or have a relationship. Nowadays through social medias many relation builds up, I know about it. And in such relationship sex is now very common. So I thought, she can have such relations. But she didn't like it. So, it is totally up to her now. But I still hope she will find someone trustworthy, with whom she can enjoy sex. She is happy but somewhere dull in mind. Neither I not u can deny sex is necessary for refreshment of mind. I just wanted to make her realize her life is not over, she doesn't need to think herself helpless, she doesn't need to think that I am a widow and I have a child, so I cant have relation again or fulfill my sexual desires. I wanted to make her realize being a widow, and a mother she still can enjoy life without marrying again or marrying. She can have wild sex still now. I am not her blockade for that rather I am always beside her in this matter. But all depends on her mind. You can judge me mad, insane, fool for my views, my thinking, but I can assure I am honest from my side, so are my views. SORRY! I have made it very long may be boring, I just couldn't stop myself to share my life's story with such wonderful, helpful people here. Please pardon me, and pray for my family.

Edited by safiabegum
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