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Serial monogamy?


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Serial monogamy, along with ''monkeybranching'' has sort of become trendy expressions to describe some people among the dating scene.

 

Reading these forums but even more so from personal real life experiences. These people from either gender are dating or even possibly in a relationship while waiting for someone ''better'' (someone with a better education, profession, IDK?) I insist in saying either gender because I don't want to bash the whole female gender, though its easier for a number of reasons for women to date (generally).

 

The woman or man who tells you he is keeping his OLD profile up ''only to check his emails'' is obviously lying. Paranoid me could suggest to create a fake profile and go talk to your partner or whatever you call him/her and will quickly understand that they are STILL looking.

 

This may not be a genuis idea, nor a very sane one but you may learn a lot from it.

 

What are your thought on this? Genuinely wondering. If you are guilty or have done this and want to share an experience, your insight will be much appreciated.

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I'm absolutely disgusted by the whole monkey branching concept. Personally I'd dump a partner if I heard they did it in any point of their life right there and then. Mainly for self-preservation: because like cheating, if you have done it once, you'd do it again - it is not 'situational', it is a personality flaw.

 

The healthy way of dating/mating involves 'clean periods' in between partners. There is no substitute for that: people's mind do not calibrate in an instant after a break up. IMO the duration of the previous relationship divided by two is a good rule of a thumb for the duration of the date-free period after the break up.

 

The keeping of dating profile on, or even disabled - it is a joke :sick:. If you are committed to someone - you DELETE not disable. The other options are half-ass excuses to be 'flexible'.

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A serial monogamist is what most people are, unless you happen to marry the guy/girl you lost your virginity to and never moved on to anyone else.

 

Serial monogamy

the fact or custom of having a number of sexual relationships one after another, but never more than one at a time.

 

Serial monogamy is the practice of engaging in a relationship with one mate at a time, over an extended length of time. This monogamy occurs throughout a series of relationships. When one relationship with a single partner ends, the next relationship the person is involved in will also be exclusive, but with a new partner.

 

Monkey branching may not always be described as "serial monogamy" as there is often an overlap.

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A serial monogamist is what most people are, unless you happen to marry the guy/girl you lost your virginity to and never moved on to anyone else.

 

 

 

 

 

Monkey branching may not always be described as "serial monogamy" as there is often an overlap.

 

Correct. I guess I should have titled the thread Monkeybranching instead. They are different things.

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Yes these 2 terms are very different.

 

Monkey Branching is normally when someone leaves one relationship and heads into another right away. In the case of the dumper, they are lining up the replacement of the dumpee (in this case their might be cheating involved on the dumpers end, even if it is emotional). In the case of the dumpee, this is the super famous "rebound" relationship that helps them cope with the loss of the dumper (this person could also be the dumper if the dumper was forced to leave the relationship, ie cheating or abuse but still loved the dumpee). People who monkey branch usually don't process their relationships well, tho sometimes the dumper has mourned the relationship while they are still in it and won't give a flying **** about what happens to their dumpee once they end the relationship. Tho from what I understand dumpers are normally the ones that monkey branch like dumpees are normally award the "rebound" term

 

A serial monogamist is someone who isn't into causal relationships/hookups/being single by choice but likes to commit and date one person at a time.

 

These two terms are very different.

Edited by HiCrunchy
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So, if a person moves on to another sexual partner while married and before filing for or receiving a divorce, what are they? ;)

 

They are only with one sexual partner at a time, presumably.

 

Interesting.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
So, if a person moves on to another sexual partner while married and before filing for or receiving a divorce, what are they? ;)

 

They are only with one sexual partner at a time, presumably.

 

Interesting.

 

They are the monkey's ass.

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They are the monkey's ass.

I meant in terms of being a serial monogamist. They end one emotional and sexual attachment before beginning another one and then the paperwork catches up later.

 

I might agree with the adjective but in the real world do you really feel they (those it is being applied to) care? I first saw this when we were figuring out all this relationship stuff as teenagers and figured it would settle out as adulthood was reached but apparently not and we regularly read anecdotes here regarding both serial monogamy and monkeybranching, enough that it appears to be at least of minor significance out there in the world. I can say it's certainly touched me plenty, enough that I had to alter my vetting process to avoid being damaged emotionally or even physically by suitably irate spouses or partners who weren't yet aware of the choices made or didn't agree with them.

 

Is the old adage all's fair in love and war appropriate? IDK. It does seem to be trendy to put personal power above all else and ethics and morals become situational and/or fungible.

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I meant in terms of being a serial monogamist. They end one emotional and sexual attachment before beginning another one and then the paperwork catches up later.

 

I might agree with the adjective but in the real world do you really feel they (those it is being applied to) care?

 

I met my now partner of 25 years just two months after leaving my first husband, so I guess I fall into your category. We cannot apply for divorce before having been separated for 12 months.

 

You ask if we care. I can only ask "care about what exactly?" Are you referring to the label people use? If so, then no, I wouldn't care. I learned to ignore labels while being bullied in school.

 

As it so happens, I wasn't looking for a new partner, but he was a great guy and I am not one for passing up a good opportunity. I'd spent so many years without sex and fun and with a depressed husband....being with the new guy was like seeing the sun come out. I guess I could have passed him by, but for what end? He's been a great partner and loving father to our kids. I don't see any downside to my choices.

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Yes, my experience mirrors that. Pretty much everyone makes their own rules and applies their own words and descriptions and what others think or feel doesn't really matter. The worst that can generally happen is peer shunning or maybe job/business loss. I've seen some of that. Guys can get violent sometimes but that doesn't happen too often anymore. That's the beauty of being part of a population of billions. Humans are rather insignificant individually and life is full of associations and they begin, proceed and end throughout life. I think this is especially true as technology has shrunk the planet and humans have become more mobile and less tethered to any one location or peer/social group. Freedom, both individually and that of forming associations in any manner they choose.

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I don’t know, are they deliberately waiting and watching for the next thing?

 

I disagree that it is easier for women to monkey branch while all the men are monogamous or single, that doesn’t really add up.

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I don’t know, are they deliberately waiting and watching for the next thing?

 

What if they aren't deliberately waiting and watching but love just comes together without looking for it?

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thefooloftheyear

I think it's just a manifestation of a lot of things that are common about society as we know it today....People are just less likely to try to work on something, or see something through...They discard, they don't fix...In some cases it's justified and you have to can it, in other cases it may be more prudent to try and fix it, but in order to do that it takes the right mindset and attitude....Less people have that it seems, so you wind up in this constant state of flux...Relationships, careers, jobs, family...

 

TFY

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What if they aren't deliberately waiting and watching but love just comes together without looking for it?

 

Well - love can't 'just come' - one should be open to it to accept it for something to happen. If I'm dating someone (exclusively; I actually don't accept any other options) - whether it is for 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years - ALL other men are sexless. I don't even notice them as sexual entities. Same in the 'clean period' after breaking off a relationship.

 

'Life happens' to me is a statement used to conceal weak will and bad behaviors.... And unfortunately it is so widely used that it freaks me out about the society in general :(

 

'Serial monogamy' (aka monkey-branching) happens by choice, not chance... Exactly the same as cheating. Honestly I don't see a difference between monkey branching and cheating - cheating is not just about sticking your genitals in someone else's or vice versa - it is just a manifestation of lack of integrity. So is monkey-branching.

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I could have just *liked* No Go post above but for empathise I will add that I entirely agree with her.

 

Thanks also to the others for replying.

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'Serial monogamy' (aka monkey-branching) happens by choice, not chance... Exactly the same as cheating. Honestly I don't see a difference between monkey branching and cheating - cheating is not just about sticking your genitals in someone else's or vice versa - it is just a manifestation of lack of integrity. So is monkey-branching.

 

As previously explained serial monogamy is different from "monkey branching", they are not interchangeable terms.

 

I guess the kind of people who monkey branch cannot bear to be alone either in a sexual context or a social one or both.

If they feel one relationship is going down the pan for some reason, either due to themselves or the other party, then they feel the need to line up another one pronto.

It is about self preservation really.

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Humans are social animals and some are more dependent on social interaction than others and push come to shove self-preservation and importance of self outweighs the feelings of others. If they can make the transition for minimum cost and/or disruption of their personal milieu, that's a win for them. Efficiency. Success. As shared prior with a more mobile and disconnected populace, perceived 'reputation' has largely become irrelevant, for better or worse, and we reflect that in our relationship legalities, where 'no-fault' generally rules now. It's over, no one has any fault, move on.

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Dating someone while still keeping an eye out for something better seems gross to me, but I think it's common when people are younger and still learning about what they want in a life partner. The idea of fully grown adults "lining people up" to date over their current partners is just pathetic.

 

Everyone has different opinions and expectations about relationships. Not everyone is looking to settle down forever with 2.3 kids and a dog. There's a contemporary German word that roughly translates to "the person who is my companion at this stage of my life". It's an understanding that the arrangement you have is probably not permanent, but works for now. Some people feel this way, others don't. There are millions of men who want to get married immediately and women who prefer casual hookups and short-term relationships.

 

If you want to build something serious, you ensure your partner is on the same page. If you find evidence that they don't view the relationship the same way, you move on. For what it's worth I can't imagine caring much about my partner's relationship history so long as it didn't involve cheating, lying, or abuse.

 

(Also, if you feel the need to monitor your partner with a fake online dating account, your relationship is already damaged beyond repair.)

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Jargon .... How do you folks decribe a series of relationships that a person has where during each relationship s/he is faithful, exclusive, and loyal to their relationship partner and is NOT looking for anything else. I'm just an old, fluent speaker of the English language, but to me that is serial monogamy. Is there a better term to describe such relationships? How did 'serial monogamy' pick up the connotation of monkeybranching (which is BTW jargon I only learned since 'hanging around' at LS and behavior which I characterize as demonstrating a gross lack of personal integrity)?

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Serial monogamy to me doesn't mean lining the next one up before exiting a relationship. It just means someone who more often than not is in a relationship, but not with the same person.

 

Look at it this way: You know someone who you see maybe once or twice a year. If they are a serial monogamist, then when you see them, you can bet that they're in a relationship. But it may not be the same relationship as the last time you saw them.

 

These people are usually either very attractive (and thus, have no problem finding another person after one relationship ends) or they're comfortable in a relationship, even if the person they're with isn't always their ideal.

 

I've known a guy for about 10 years and I don't think he's gone more than a couple of months single, even though he's had five or six exclusive relationships in that time. To me, that's an example of serial monogamy.

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Well - love can't 'just come' - one should be open to it to accept it for something to happen. If I'm dating someone (exclusively; I actually don't accept any other options) - whether it is for 2 weeks, 2 months or 2 years - ALL other men are sexless. I don't even notice them as sexual entities. Same in the 'clean period' after breaking off a relationship.

 

'Life happens' to me is a statement used to conceal weak will and bad behaviors.... And unfortunately it is so widely used that it freaks me out about the society in general :(

 

'Serial monogamy' (aka monkey-branching) happens by choice, not chance... Exactly the same as cheating. Honestly I don't see a difference between monkey branching and cheating - cheating is not just about sticking your genitals in someone else's or vice versa - it is just a manifestation of lack of integrity. So is monkey-branching.

 

And again, serial monogamy is not AKA monkey branching. The latter is having someone already lined up before you leave the first. Serial monogamy is being single and finding new love without a huge break in between. There's no cheating in serial monogamy.

 

Anyway, so you're saying the fact that I met a wonderful new guy two months after leaving my marriage shows a lack of integrity on my part? If it was so wrong of me, why has it worked so well? 25 years happily together is a damn sight longer than many do these days.

 

Why should I live my life to an arbitrary break time thrust on me by society? Was staying too long in a miserable marriage not punishment enough for me? What is wrong with doing what was right for me and my new partner?

 

And yes, I was open to love. But I wasn't looking for love. There's a difference. I'm open to all good opportunities in life.

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As previously explained serial monogamy is different from "monkey branching", they are not interchangeable terms.

 

I guess the kind of people who monkey branch cannot bear to be alone either in a sexual context or a social one or both.

If they feel one relationship is going down the pan for some reason, either due to themselves or the other party, then they feel the need to line up another one pronto.

It is about self preservation really.

 

cannot bear to be alone - that is scary... I guess it is not uncommon and that's why it is normalized...

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Great it worked for you.

 

I've always thought about it also from the perspective of the ex partner - I'd personally wait for them to step back on their feet before venturing into dating others, even if I feel completely open for love and ready.

 

Opportunities btw rarely happen in vacuum - if I'm not approachable and meeting new people, there is a slim to none chance to land onto a new person even if I'm open to love theoretically.

 

Anyway, so you're saying the fact that I met a wonderful new guy two months after leaving my marriage shows a lack of integrity on my part? If it was so wrong of me, why has it worked so well? 25 years happily together is a damn sight longer than many do these days.

 

Why should I live my life to an arbitrary break time thrust on me by society? Was staying too long in a miserable marriage not punishment enough for me? What is wrong with doing what was right for me and my new partner?

 

And yes, I was open to love. But I wasn't looking for love. There's a difference. I'm open to all good opportunities in life.

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People often try to work out childhood and peer integration issues within peer relationships and those who suffer from fear of abandonment can find strong motivation in keeping the stream of partners going. I've seen some so bad that they express exigent fears even when in relationships, like being left alone for days while a spouse/partner is traveling or away for any reason. It seems irrational to me but is perfectly real and valid to them. Fear is a strong motivator to action and often defies explanation or logic. If they sense a relationship going south, that fear impels grabbing onto a life preserver, another human, sometimes any human, then discarding them once the fear has subsided and a more suitable replacement presents themselves. I would opine that trends to more the extreme end of serial monogamy as most people who move from relationship to relationship do it because they like it, not from a place of fear.

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