Do I remember her, and re-building a friendship

[ProfessorOptics]

I met this gamer girl last year, and we hit it off pretty well. There was good banter, and we had a lot of fun playing games together and in general.

 

I have high functioning autism, and sadly after a few months of enjoying each others company, I had a breakdown which she was unfortunate enough to witness first hand. She ended up in tears, and said I blew it with her, despite me trying to explain to her that it happens from time to time. One week after, once I had calmed down enough, I messaged her an apology, which she accepted. She wasn't interested in resuming the relationship we had built up at that point, so I left it, chalked it up to experience and spent the next several months reviewing what I had done to make sure I don't let it happen with anyone else. I had also convinced myself that if she was worth it, she would have tried to understand and we'd still be talking and enjoying each other's company.

 

Middle of this year, out of the blue, she messages me on PSN: Hey, don't know if you remember me, its <her name>. How are you?

and proceeded with what have you been up to and those sorts. It appeared that she was making conversation, though nearer the end of the conversation, she started with one worded answers. I wasn't in a good place at that time either, with exam stress and being overwhelmed with everything at the time, so I kept the conversation short, ending it at that point. I haven't spoken to or heard from her since. I read somewhere that a nervous, I hope you remember me kind of message could mean they are trying to re-establish contact. Unsure if this is valid or not...

 

Recently, I have begun thinking that I would like to play games with her again, and attempt to rebuild the friendship that we had. I have grown anxious over whether to message her or not, so I am asking here for your advice.

 

Why was she unsure if I remembered her back then, even though it had only been like six months? Was that message an attempt to get back in touch, or was she just throwing crumbs? And if the former, have I missed the chance to get back in touch, is it too late to re-initiate contact? Is it even wise to do so...?

[maxi105]

hi there

 

i think she see's you as a gamer friend only from what little you have said, so if you can and only want that from her then i don't see any reason (unless she doesn't want to reconnect to play games with you) you you couldn't get back into the swing of gaming again and have the fun that you used to enjoy.

 

did you have feelings for her the first time you were gaming with her before your breakdown? and did you talk with her, are you or were you an established couple (or new couple) what i mean is that were you actually going out with her or just were getting closer?

 

i think she sounds as though she is missing the fun, banter and friendship, but unless she has changed enough to want to talk things through about what your situation may involve from time to time (and that will take time) if she does want more from you; then i would just see it and take it as a friendly attempt to get a good friend back on track.

 

if you can handle just friends then you'll be rewarded with a good friend, if your feelings may get over you and overwhelm you, then maybe have a real hard look at if this person is better off in the past, or either meeting up with as more of an aqcuaintence that you don't see that much and then you maybe wont get too hurt by it all.

 

but ultimately i think it all depends on talking with her and being honest, I'm sure she will appreciate that and be able to help you understand if she doesn't feel that way.

 

but look, if it doesn't work but you could keep her as a mate, tehn maybe you might meet somone at a games convention or local games event or club and she might help you get to know them or give tips on meeting someone new.

 

it would be a shame if you let a good mate go because you misunderstood a situation.

 

you just have to talk to her. its no good to be anxious wondering, if you talk to her then you will be able to find out first hand what she thinks, wants etc...she really is the only one that can give you the answers to help you and it sounds like you would actually like to be reunited with this person as your friend.

 

so why not go for it.

 

good luck, maxi...but just remember, if she is awkward or doesn't want to yet, maybe offer after Christmas when you can swap Christmas games you've seen/played etc and it might feel more natural then.

 

but either way, i think you may have a good trip down memory lane with this new friend. see ya, let us know if you get hooked up. I'm sure she'd enjoy the fun of occasional games nights or challenges with you from time to time.

[ProfessorOptics]

hi there

 

i think she see's you as a gamer friend only from what little you have said, so if you can and only want that from her then i don't see any reason (unless she doesn't want to reconnect to play games with you) you you couldn't get back into the swing of gaming again and have the fun that you used to enjoy.

 

did you have feelings for her the first time you were gaming with her before your breakdown? and did you talk with her, are you or were you an established couple (or new couple) what i mean is that were you actually going out with her or just were getting closer?

 

i think she sounds as though she is missing the fun, banter and friendship, but unless she has changed enough to want to talk things through about what your situation may involve from time to time (and that will take time) if she does want more from you; then i would just see it and take it as a friendly attempt to get a good friend back on track.

 

if you can handle just friends then you'll be rewarded with a good friend, if your feelings may get over you and overwhelm you, then maybe have a real hard look at if this person is better off in the past, or either meeting up with as more of an aqcuaintence that you don't see that much and then you maybe wont get too hurt by it all.

 

but ultimately i think it all depends on talking with her and being honest, I'm sure she will appreciate that and be able to help you understand if she doesn't feel that way.

 

but look, if it doesn't work but you could keep her as a mate, tehn maybe you might meet somone at a games convention or local games event or club and she might help you get to know them or give tips on meeting someone new.

 

it would be a shame if you let a good mate go because you misunderstood a situation.

 

you just have to talk to her. its no good to be anxious wondering, if you talk to her then you will be able to find out first hand what she thinks, wants etc...she really is the only one that can give you the answers to help you and it sounds like you would actually like to be reunited with this person as your friend.

 

so why not go for it.

 

good luck, maxi...but just remember, if she is awkward or doesn't want to yet, maybe offer after Christmas when you can swap Christmas games you've seen/played etc and it might feel more natural then.

 

but either way, i think you may have a good trip down memory lane with this new friend. see ya, let us know if you get hooked up. I'm sure she'd enjoy the fun of occasional games nights or challenges with you from time to time.

 

Thank you, I appreciate the great response.

 

Part of the reason for the breakdown was me being unsure of what I felt for her, among other things. Looking back, I remember tending towards more romantic feelings up to the unfortunate event. However it wasn't clear. I think I was more attracted to the idea of having a relationship, rather than having a relationship with her in particular. I'm still unsure of whether I feel anything more than platonic with her, and this indicates to me that it may only be platonic.

 

I mean we gamed together just about everyday, and she, along with another mate was the only ones I gamed with at the time, because it was fun. We ripped into each other frequently and it was a lot of fun filled with laughter and pure randomness. I miss that. If I have one regret over the past year, is letting what happened happen and drifting apart, also not seeing that she may have wanted to be friends again when she contacted me middle of this year. Although having her as a romantic partner would be nice, the time spent laughing together was far more valuable. I spent a great deal a way from gaming since the breakdown because it was boring without that.

 

It may take me awhile to return to the banter (mostly due to my current state and energy levels), as it may be with her as well, so contacting her does come with a certain level of anxiety, and feels a little awkward. If you think it may be worth the attempt, then I will think of how to break the ice again and see if I can work up to being friends with her again.

[maxi105]

hey yeah, go for it professor , I think you'd really benefit from meeting up or playing on line or however it went with you guys.

 

there are still good memories it sounds like for you and her regarding the games, and the one thing that games brings is that you can engross in the competition of it all that doesn't get all twisted and there can be a bit of fun in losing and admiration in getting to new levels or finding the cheats on new softwear ect...

 

also it allows for concentration at those times where you don't actually know always what to say, so its ok just to look at the screen and you both share an intimate but increadibly fun time.

 

I feel excited for you at the anticipation of it all.

 

if it were me id get back in touch with her, send a brief hi on a text, even better an e-mail or on a gamer site and go down memory lane a bit and ask if she'd fancy catching up one time nothing heavy.

 

maybe aim for an environment that you feel happy, relaxed and sage in; things will flow so much easier if you are happy and relaxed.

 

but I think if you do meet her, it wont be too long before you are both chatting so much that your scores on the games are not that high because of all the catching up and fun.

 

you sound happy just talking about the gaming time with her.

 

if you write to her she wont feel pressured to answer you at the that time, she can sit back and think about it some more and if she's up for it ill build her anticipation for the event and she will probably feeling a little anxious but excited too.

 

she messaged you after a time so she probably would be willing to catch up.

 

maybe ask her if she has played any new games lately or can recommend something.

 

I think the gaming might put you in a healthier state too, provided you can take time out when you feel you need that, just don't burn out over it, remember good sleep and food can affect how emotions make you feel, and if your burning that midnight oil 24-7 in a happy nervous excitable state!!!!

 

I think the key thing is here is to be proactive in small stages without adding pressure of any kind for her, if you keep it light and fun you are more likely to make her feel more relaxed and you are more likely to get back on track in a more natural way than if you are worrying about what to say or what not to say or whether you said goodbye on the phone too quickly etc....

 

if there is a gaming show or exhibition on, maybe ask if she's going or ask her if she's been and thought it was a good experience or whatever.

 

you know much more about her and the games world for you both, so you already have a good idea of what you both like, so that's a good start.

 

put it out there and give her time to think and get back to you.

I hope she does and you both have a blast.

 

maybe don't go down the feelings route about the breakdown until you've met up for a month or so if you even do want to talk about that side of things, and you don't have to - its a personal choice, but I get the impression you are both real talkers anyway, so I'm guessing it'll probably come out anyway in its own time if she doesn't know already.

 

as far a feelings for her goes, let the get togethers be the focus for now and maybe tell her you'd like to meet someone similar to you could she give you a few pointers on meeting someone, tell her you'd like to meet someone like her.

 

maybe be honest after a time of meeting in the new year and say id like to be with someone like you but id be worried id ruin our friendship, she will read that and you will know what she feels.

 

I still feel you are probably better as mates for now, and maybe for ever, but you wouldn't be the first person that actually liked a friend in that way!!!!!

 

just take care of your heart and try not to let your emotions run too many things where this girl is concerned or any other girl for that matter where intense love in concerned; as their might be elements of your autism that might be enabling you to feel so deeply and put yourself in a situation where others just cant feel the same intensity without feeling comfortable or relaxed.

 

I'm not saying that there isn't someone out there blah blah..i am just saying chose carefully someone who can meet your sensitive nature otherwise you could spend a lot of time getting your feelings hurt or heartbroken and that will also have an impact I'm sure for your states of health.

 

it sounds like you got a good friend there, so I hope it all works out well for you. and I think if you keep her close as a friend then I think you may also find a more consistent phase in terms of personal head time to build your foundations for love and maybe a more controllable element to your state of mind.

 

you are stronger now, wiser and you still like your games, so I think don't worry too much about what you didn't see, but be honest with her and say sorry for not responding you'd been in a different place, but hope that maybe there might be a chance for you both to catch up, would she be willing.

 

let her see it would be fun, rather than dragging down into the things that were lost chances...

 

use Christmas and the new year to be the bridge for your games fun. i'll bet she'll be understanding and looking forward to it just as much as you will if she is willing to meet up again, just don't give in if she doesn't answer straight away, ask her one more time in the new year if Christmas you don't hear from her'; but do have a cut off point to have heard by.

 

you cant still be on here in 3017 asking if she might like to come to a games night!!!! haha...can you????

 

very best wishes...you have to at least try and reach out to her...if you feel a bit anxious, then consider it your "call of duty!!!" to reach out to her!!!...

 

very best wishes. maxi. hope it goes ok. there is a lot of positive in this, so let that be your inspiration for getting back in touch with her.

 

you know the realities, so if you get anything better then that's good for you, but a great friendship will I feel at this point will be a far healthier thing for you than a relationship that fell and you lost your spark with her again.

 

ok, that's it. take care. maxi.

[ProfessorOptics]

Thank you for your great responses and words of encouragement. I took the plunge and messaged her. Turns out she was wanting to re-establish contact because she has started gaming with me again and is really chatty, telling me all the things she has been up to the past year since we stopped talking. She talked about how she now has a boyfriend of 11 months, and asked me about my own love life. It was like we never went our separate ways. So that's great. It's good to have my old friend back, though my energy state is still negative and I don't say all that much. There also isn't much banter, I just haven't got the energy. It will come once my energy returns to normal.

She was grateful to catch up again.

 

Once more, thank you for the push.

ProfessorOptics.