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OW/MM pair more common than the OM/MW pair? Why is this?


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Power dynamics I think.

 

These men usually hold the power in the affair, they control the contact, how it's going to work, do the push and pull etc. Nor many men would be willing to be in a subordinate position to a married woman like that.

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Notice is probably the operative word. MW's are crafty. Also, women are generally receivers, not penetrators so the men's actions are more noticeable. Also, married people are less likely to be sharing their dalliances and among singles women talk more than men as a rule. Not an indictment just that they tend to share more. Men keep stuff to themselves.

 

IME, it's been pretty even. I've known some pretty powerful guys who actually enjoy messing with married women. Great way to stick it to an enemy, so to speak, not the woman, rather her husband. For men it's about power. Control. Being the top dog, the head honcho, the big cheese ;)

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I agree.... There are men who pursue married women, they like that they are taking something that is not theirs..

 

I think many are often married themselves, but there are also single men who play that game.

 

That said, I think it is often simply about sex for them, and not these "love affairs" single women find themselves in with married men.

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thefooloftheyear

IME, for women, the most desirable man is the one that's already taken....But i'd have to slightly disagree that men actively pursue taken women... Most guys don't mess with other guys women for fear of getting their teeth knocked out...

 

 

TFY

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somanymistakes
I have noticed that there are normally more MM/OW pairs than vice versa.

I always wondered why that is.

thoughts?

 

An awful lot of the OWs who post here are married themselves. They literally are the vice-versa just the same, they are MWs with OM.

The biggest difference on the forums is that there are almost 0 MM who come hang out in the OW/OM forum and angst about whether the married woman they are seeing really loves them. Other Men posters who are fretting over their partners are generally single themselves.

 

Is that because few MM actually care enough to worry? Or because they know they'd get their heads bitten off if they posted?

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Because women are generally much cleverer at hiding their affairs.

 

I think this is largely true. Women are more clever at manipulating.

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Most single men aren't going to stick around and be the OM to married woman. They might sleep with a married woman, and some might even have a short affair but it won't last. Men aren't emotional like women. Men hate drama, and affairs are drama. Where the MM will deal with it because hia opportunities are limited, a single man doesn't. He can go out and find a single woman and have a real relationship, or sleep with whoever he wants without the drama. Women are emotion based. Single or not, women will put up with almost anything if she falls in love.

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Cookiesandough

I think studies have shown they men and women cheat at similar rates, with women falling only a little shorter than men.

 

It's not as wide of a difference as believed. I think the reason for any difference would be that men are more tempted by sexuality irrespective of being in a satisfactory relationship. Not having one only makes it worse. A novel partner excites them because of their biology. Women, on the other hand, generally cheat only when they are dissatisfied with their partner or relationship in some way.

Edited by Cookiesandough
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(Slightly off topic, and over-generalised, but still related I feel....)

 

I think that if there truly are fewer MW in affairs than MMs, this may indicate that affairs are more of a "big deal" for MW than for MM. Hence, a MW will think very carefully before getting involved, whereas a MM might just grab an opportunity with less thought.

 

To explain further....for MM, affairs are quite often just for extra sex and even if feelings do develop, they can compartmentalise better. For an MW to get into an affair, however, it is ususally for deeper reasons than simply a desire for extra sex and usually indicates that her marriage is already flawed and not meeting her needs. If the A goes on for more than a few months, it may quickly get to the point where she completely checks out of her marriage, even if she didn't originally intend to. Whereas a compartmentalising MM can keep a connection going in both relationships. For an MM, an affair is often viewed as "extra". For an MW, it is more likely to be viewed as "replacement".

 

This is why on D-day, an MM quite often ends the affair immediately and recommits to his marriage. He may spend a few weeks tormented, but will generally get over it fairly quickly and take a "It was good while it lasted, but it was never going to last forever" attitude. But MW tend to develop deeper bonds much more quickly in an A and are often truly heartbroken for many months when the affair ends. If a MW has a D-day, it is much more likely that she will leave the marriage than is the case for an MM. How many OW threads do we see expressing heartbreak that a MM will not leave his marriage? Lots.

 

I also think that it was a great point that other posters made about women being bigger talkers and better communicators in general and so this can skew perceptions. If you look on the OW board, for example, there are probably 10 OW for every OM poster. Does this reflect that there are 10 times more OW in the world than OMs....or simply that women are more likely to communicate and seek support than men? Probably a bit of both!

Edited by jenkins95
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somanymistakes

I also think that it was a great point that other posters made about women being bigger talkers and better communicators in general and so this can skew perceptions. If you look on the OW board, for example, there are probably 10 OW for every OM poster. Does this reflect that there are 10 times more OW in the world than OMs....or simply that women are more likely to communicate and seek support than men? Probably a bit of both!

 

... and 8 of those 10 OWs will be married, thus meaning that their AP is himself an OM.

 

It's like the old joke about heterosexual men supposedly claiming to have way more sex with way more partners than heterosexual women do. But to get a real picture, you have to consider who they're having sex with!

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(Slightly off topic, and over-generalised, but still related I feel....)

 

I think that if there truly are fewer MW in affairs than MMs, this may indicate that affairs are more of a "big deal" for MW than for MM. Hence, a MW will think very carefully before getting involved, whereas a MM might just grab an opportunity with less thought.

 

To explain further....for MM, affairs are quite often just for extra sex and even if feelings do develop, they can compartmentalise better. For an MW to get into an affair, however, it is ususally for deeper reasons than simply a desire for extra sex and usually indicates that her marriage is already flawed and not meeting her needs. If the A goes on for more than a few months, it may quickly get to the point where she completely checks out of her marriage, even if she didn't originally intend to. Whereas a compartmentalising MM can keep a connection going in both relationships. For an MM, an affair is often viewed as "extra". For an MW, it is more likely to be viewed as "replacement".

 

This is why on D-day, an MM quite often ends the affair immediately and recommits to his marriage. He may spend a few weeks tormented, but will generally get over it fairly quickly and take a "It was good while it lasted, but it was never going to last forever" attitude. But MW tend to develop deeper bonds much more quickly in an A and are often truly heartbroken for many months when the affair ends. If a MW has a D-day, it is much more likely that she will leave the marriage than is the case for an MM. How many OW threads do we see expressing heartbreak that a MM will not leave his marriage? Lots.

 

I also think that it was a great point that other posters made about women being bigger talkers and better communicators in general and so this can skew perceptions. If you look on the OW board, for example, there are probably 10 OW for every OM poster. Does this reflect that there are 10 times more OW in the world than OMs....or simply that women are more likely to communicate and seek support than men? Probably a bit of both!

 

I think it's important to note that it isn't always the marriage that's the problem. Some people are just fundamentally unhappy and are always wanting "more".

 

My brother's ex-wife is like that. It was a second marriage for both of them. It started as an affair, and she went on to cheat on him. He was more disappointed than angry, and I really do think she is a fundamentally unhappy person who is always looking for a salve for her emotional wounds. It's almost as if she is self medicating.

 

he told me that she has been diagnosed as having borderline personality disorder, and that she's like a bottomless pit that no one can fill. She goes from guy to guy thinking it will help, but it never does.

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... and 8 of those 10 OWs will be married, thus meaning that their AP is himself an OM.

 

It's like the old joke about heterosexual men supposedly claiming to have way more sex with way more partners than heterosexual women do. But to get a real picture, you have to consider who they're having sex with!

 

Yes! That's a very good point! :)

 

Not sure that as many as 8 out of 10 of the OW on the OM/OW forum are married though. I would estimate it to be more like 3/10.

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Because women are generally gullible and believe the crap MM tell them.

 

I also find way more women lack self respect in this area.... instead of letting a cheating husband go ... the BW goes into competition with the OW ...so it never ends.

 

Men (in general) also aren't good at knowingly and voluntarily sharing a woman.

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I would say that although MW have affairs... it's usually with other MM.

 

You won't get many single men with a MW.

 

It's the single OW and the MM in most cases.

 

The single OW...pining away .... wasting her fertile years as the mistress....while the MM carries on with his life .. business as usual.

 

He'll have more kids... go on vacation.... move house... celebrate wedding anniversaries..... and all that time... all those years......the single OW behaves like a loyal dog .... jumping when a bone is thrown by the MM.

 

It's very sad indeed.

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I don't know why for some people the option of a lover has to be attached. I wonder if a lot of single women are turning down single guys, yet have no problems aquiring a MM in their lives.

 

Love is great if you can have it, but not at all costs. Do we really need it all the time. I have been single since 2012. I sometimes wonder if I am really missing out.

 

I do find it hard, but I won't go the MW route. No way. I almost got into a situation like that in 2000. Never again.

 

I wonder if now a days are we all really too picky in looks to give it a try. From my side as a man. It feels like most women want to be in some high octane relationship, like the movies. Anything less than that is considered boring. I don't know what it is.

 

I feel like my main problem meeting a woman is that they are almost always attached. Rare that I find a single woman around my age 46.

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MW tend to be involved with MM because they boundaries are usually good vs single men. With MM it's easier to justify a growing emotional connection with he is married.

 

My wife had a single AP and he was alot like many of the OW. Weak, indecisive and jumped at her command. I'm not saying this to be disrespectful towards OW, but it does appear to be the case alot.

 

Her OM isn't a good representative of men in general, as someone mentioned before, men tend to shy away from things that a single AP has to put up with in order to be a single AP.

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I don't know why for some people the option of a lover has to be attached. I wonder if a lot of single women are turning down single guys, yet have no problems aquiring a MM in their lives.

 

I feel like my main problem meeting a woman is that they are almost always attached. Rare that I find a single woman around my age 46.

 

There are many woman looking for love at that age.

 

I don't know where you live... but what I usually hear is there's a shortage of good men.

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My wife had a single AP and he was alot like many of the OW. Weak, indecisive and jumped at her command. I'm not saying this to be disrespectful towards OW, but it does appear to be the case alot.

 

Her OM isn't a good representative of men in general, as someone mentioned before, men tend to shy away from things that a single AP has to put up with in order to be a single AP.

 

As a former sOW to a fMM, I find your stereotyping amusing. I was neither weak nor indecisive, and I’ve never jumped at anyone’s command. I’m guessing that the fact that your wife picked someone like that for a R says more about her than about the OW you’re trying to pin it on.

 

I’d say, from reading here, that most sOW are strong, rather than weak. Because the don’t have a full-time partner, they get n and do it all themselves. They learn not to rely on anyone for anything, and develop self-sufficiency at levels a MP could only dream of.

 

As for what a sAP has to put up with - well, that would depend on the particular R. If one reads what some MP have to put up with as described by those MP - skid marks being one that usually gets listed, as well as dirty laundry left on the floor and all manner of other selfish or inconsiderate behaviours - I’d say sAP have the better deal in many cases. In my own particular case, I didn’t have to “put up with” anything in the R as a single OW that wasn’t of my choosing. It was exactly as I’d want a R - any R - to be, for what I wanted and needed at the time.

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Betrayed&Stayed
I have noticed that there are normally more MM/OW pairs than vice versa.

I always wondered why that is.

thoughts?

 

Of the three affairs that I have seen up close (my wife's included), two of them were MW and single OM. The third was MM with single OW.

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As a former sOW to a fMM, I find your stereotyping amusing. I was neither weak nor indecisive, and I’ve never jumped at anyone’s command. I’m guessing that the fact that your wife picked someone like that for a R says more about her than about the OW you’re trying to pin it on.

 

I’d say, from reading here, that most sOW are strong, rather than weak. Because the don’t have a full-time partner, they get n and do it all themselves. They learn not to rely on anyone for anything, and develop self-sufficiency at levels a MP could only dream of.

 

As for what a sAP has to put up with - well, that would depend on the particular R. If one reads what some MP have to put up with as described by those MP - skid marks being one that usually gets listed, as well as dirty laundry left on the floor and all manner of other selfish or inconsiderate behaviours - I’d say sAP have the better deal in many cases. In my own particular case, I didn’t have to “put up with” anything in the R as a single OW that wasn’t of my choosing. It was exactly as I’d want a R - any R - to be, for what I wanted and needed at the time.

 

My statement was clearly not all inclusive thus the "Most".

 

I agree in general from reading here that many OW are strong, except when it comes to MM. Dress it however you want, the fact remains you were in an affair and by definition accepted less than at some point no matter how it ended up.

 

Also let's be honest, most of what you're saying is ridiculous. It's like saying a guy begging in the street is doing so from a position of power. What well balanced self sufficient person looks to buzzard around a wounded Marriage?

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GunslingerRoland

From what I've seen and heard, I think a lot of married men have affairs with single women, whereas married women tend to have affairs with married men.

 

This is important because, when you have two married people the odds of it staying secret goes up, as both have a vested interest in keeping things quiet.

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As a former sOW to a fMM, I find your stereotyping amusing. I was neither weak nor indecisive, and I’ve never jumped at anyone’s command. I’m guessing that the fact that your wife picked someone like that for a R says more about her than about the OW you’re trying to pin it on.

 

I’d say, from reading here, that most sOW are strong, rather than weak. Because the don’t have a full-time partner, they get n and do it all themselves. They learn not to rely on anyone for anything, and develop self-sufficiency at levels a MP could only dream of.

 

As for what a sAP has to put up with - well, that would depend on the particular R. If one reads what some MP have to put up with as described by those MP - skid marks being one that usually gets listed, as well as dirty laundry left on the floor and all manner of other selfish or inconsiderate behaviours - I’d say sAP have the better deal in many cases. In my own particular case, I didn’t have to “put up with” anything in the R as a single OW that wasn’t of my choosing. It was exactly as I’d want a R - any R - to be, for what I wanted and needed at the time.

 

Cocorico, you are an exception to the general rule. From reading here and any real world knowledge, I wouldn't gather that *most* OW are strong, independent or confident. Quite the contrary.

 

It's well and good that your marriage is successful. That you two have married is an anomaly.

 

There isn't a need to be defensive of infidelity, most relationships that are outside the marriage remain peripheral and never become the core. You and your spouse are an exception.

 

As to the OP, I wouldn't think that a majority of married women would consciously choose a man (or woman) based on relationship status; rather an emotional connection.

I would think that a majority of married men would choose a partner based more commonly on availability of sexual satisfaction.

 

There are always outliers.

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