LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > General > General Relationship Discussion

Romantic Intentions from the start


General Relationship Discussion Everything else under the sun. Not sure where to post? This is the place!

Like Tree8Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 7th November 2017, 9:36 AM   #16
Established Member
 
WaitingForBardot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 720
Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
.
Though if their intention is to form a relationship with a guy they are crazy about and a connection is made, then why would they not want to jump into bed with him or at least get somewhat physical with him?

All very well friends first, and that can work for some, but in the process, it can also extinguish any passion and once the passion is lost it may be difficult to fan back into life.
I've mentioned this very point in other posts here. There are in fact brain imaging studies that have shown that the neural pathways forged during the throes of early passion are important in maintaining long-term connections with romantic partners.

...and if I may wax metaphorical... One doesn't start a fire by fanning the flames occassionally, it requires consistent application and continuity of fanning until the fire becomes self sustaining.
__________________
"It ain't what you don't know that's so harmful, it's what you know that just ain't so." -- Mark Twain
WaitingForBardot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 9:41 AM   #17
Established Member
 
WaitingForBardot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 720
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mysterio View Post
I see your point, but for me. I have always gone slow. There is not straight to the bed thing for me. I would not even think about sleeping with the woman, unless she is my GF and even then. I don't want any oops kids, so everything has to be talked out for me.

/..snip../
While I have never gone slow, I have never had sex with a girl/woman that I didn't see as a viable romantic prospect at that moment, so were not that different in that regard. I just don't see why things like kids, etc, can't be talked about while your actually trying to have a relationship.
WaitingForBardot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 7th November 2017, 9:45 AM   #18
Established Member
 
WaitingForBardot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2015
Posts: 720
Quote:
Originally Posted by jjgitties View Post
As the famous line from Ashford & Simpson goes, "You can't be nobodys lover, til you're somebodys friend". L)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K2biM8GfCyY

But on a serious note. The problem you will/might run into is you will get into a relationship and after the initial honeymoon phase you realize that you are stuck with someone who has very little in common with you and you don't really like hanging out with. and then you're screwed.
Except you aren't stuck/screwed anymore than if you were simply pussyfooting around, dating, and taking it slow. I've had relationships not work out, it sucks, but I don't see how it would suck any more than if we had been taking it slow. Breaking up just sucks regardless of how you find yourself at that point.
WaitingForBardot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 8th November 2017, 1:31 AM   #19
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 815
This is how it works from me romantically.

I see the woman that I like. I make hr aquaintance and interact with her. Depending on how she is with me. I usually ask her out for lunch.

What Is missing for me is that I don't know hr status. So I am asking out women blind to their personal status, with out verifying if they are attached., until we actually go out. Its not like every woman I meet talks about their BF/Hubby all the time.

The woman from the gym. I asked her out for lunch in August. Until I told her I had a crush on her. She did not mention her husband once. Several months ago, she may hav mentioned it, Yet I think it went over my head, as I though she may have told a white lie when we talked a while ago. In all my interactions with her. Not once was the husband mentioned.

I was really semi sad that she was single. I just don't find the average woman sweet and chill for the most part. They usually come off as a bit uppity. Be it me or whoever is trying to date them.

I still feel like its not so much me. Its my social environment. I am 46. My age range is most likley 34 to 50. I feel like I have to really let the universe bring me and the woman that I am supposed to be with or at least something workable. I have to actually let go from being the driving force.

Yet I guess I have that fear of not having any possible romantic relationship. If I look at my life. Its not that I have had nothing. Its just that its never been ideal. Me to them. Them to me.
Mysterio is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th November 2017, 6:09 AM   #20
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 13,598
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mysterio View Post
This is how it works from me romantically.

I see the woman that I like. I make hr aquaintance and interact with her. Depending on how she is with me. I usually ask her out for lunch.

What Is missing for me is that I don't know hr status. So I am asking out women blind to their personal status, with out verifying if they are attached., until we actually go out. Its not like every woman I meet talks about their BF/Hubby all the time.

The woman from the gym. I asked her out for lunch in August. Until I told her I had a crush on her. She did not mention her husband once. Several months ago, she may hav mentioned it, Yet I think it went over my head, as I though she may have told a white lie when we talked a while ago. In all my interactions with her. Not once was the husband mentioned.

I was really semi sad that she was single. I just don't find the average woman sweet and chill for the most part. They usually come off as a bit uppity. Be it me or whoever is trying to date them.

I still feel like its not so much me. Its my social environment. I am 46. My age range is most likley 34 to 50. I feel like I have to really let the universe bring me and the woman that I am supposed to be with or at least something workable. I have to actually let go from being the driving force.
OK but this all sounds too laissez faire.
YOU did not even know the woman's marital status, before you asked her out. Why did you not make it your business to find out FOR CERTAIN before you developed this crush and finally plucked up the courage to ask her out?
All very well adopting a "leave it all to fate" attitude but you still need to do your homework, else it is a complete waste of your time, hankering after married/attached women.
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 9th November 2017, 6:38 AM   #21
Established Member
 
todreaminblue's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: down under
Posts: 14,005
Journal Entries: 2
i have always been long term friends with past partners....so i basically know who they are and what they believe in.....how they treat me.....so relationships naturally form pretty quickly....with my ex ....the real first date we had was me meeting his mum.....who tucked my fringe behind my ear so she could see my face......took a necklace from her neck and put it around mine.....i guess she liked what she saw in my eyes.....

so i dont muck around and guys dont muck around with me i dont play games.... neither do their mums seem to mind when they meet me...........the guys know i am interested in them and they are interested in me....so relationships just happen...rather than dating.....its from friendship these relationships form.....i dont have relationships shorter than six months normally and that suits me...i find today's dating styles tedious.....too many games and high expectations of groping.....deb
__________________
in the ache of night,luminous prayers take fragile flight,
somewhere between battalions of warring sins,
there exists hope and love for peace begins...deb
todreaminblue is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2017, 1:45 AM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 815
When I asked her for Lunch. She said ok. It was at her work and then we had lunch and I asked her in the first 10 minutes. I find it interesting that she never talked about her husband at all. Not anytime we were at the gym.

Some women are different. Some come out right away and state their status in conversation. Some don't. I don't understand why keep it a secret. I only see her sparingly. She did not wear a wedding ring.

A lot of women I know for some reason never really state their status. Others its right there.
Mysterio is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2017, 2:33 AM   #23
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 5,320
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mysterio View Post
When I asked her for Lunch. She said ok. It was at her work and then we had lunch and I asked her in the first 10 minutes. I find it interesting that she never talked about her husband at all. Not anytime we were at the gym.

Some women are different. Some come out right away and state their status in conversation. Some don't. I don't understand why keep it a secret. I only see her sparingly. She did not wear a wedding ring.

A lot of women I know for some reason never really state their status. Others its right there.
There is no need to share status until there is a need.
She didn't need to share hers until you told her you had a crush on her - at which point there was a need.
She wasn't keeping it a secret, she simply had no need to state it any sooner as she assumed you were just a friend.

As Elaine said, if you befriend and go slow as you say you do then it would make sense to ask if a woman is attached early on.
GemmaUK is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2017, 6:26 AM   #24
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 13,598
Quote:
Originally Posted by GemmaUK View Post
There is no need to share status until there is a need.
She didn't need to share hers until you told her you had a crush on her - at which point there was a need.
She wasn't keeping it a secret, she simply had no need to state it any sooner as she assumed you were just a friend.
Agreed.
Sometimes bringing up husbands or bfs can be seen as putting up a wall.
It can say "I know you find me attractive but I am not interested, I have a bf, so back off" and that can alter the "friend" dynamic.
It brings "sex" into the equation, and some women prefer to leave even the mere hint of the possibility or not of "sex" out of friendships all together.

Some women also want to be seen as people in their own right and do not want to be seen as Mrs Johnston, an appendage of Mr Johnston.
Her marital status can also change the focus and topic of conversation too, "What did you do at the weekend?" can become "What did you and your husband do at the week end?" or even just "What did your husband do at the weekend, did HE go to the game?"...
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10th November 2017, 3:52 PM   #25
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 5,320
Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Some women also want to be seen as people in their own right and do not want to be seen as Mrs Johnston, an appendage of Mr Johnston.
Yes.
I'm not suddenly not a human being in my own right just because I might be in a relationship.
Unless I become aware that a man is interested in a romantic way in me then I will treat him as a friend. If I find out he has a crush I will be upfront about my relationship - just as this woman did.
GemmaUK is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th November 2017, 2:28 AM   #26
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 815
I almost think that some men will lead women on and not admit they have a special lady in their lives. Where as women have no problem being upfront with their status.
Mysterio is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th November 2017, 6:24 AM   #27
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 13,598
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mysterio View Post
I almost think that some men will lead women on and not admit they have a special lady in their lives. Where as women have no problem being upfront with their status.
Best not to generalise - some men will be very upfront about their marital status and will not stop talking about their wife and their kids, some women will deliberately hide it away too.
It is an individual thing and there will be many individual reasons as to why a person will shout it from the roof tops or will make a secret of it.
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 11th November 2017, 4:57 PM   #28
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,373
It just happens naturally anyway , l dunno what you'd have to "state" as you put it. Can't believe the stuff l read like - will we be a realationship, will we be exclusive , l mean what is all that shyt . do people really talk like that.
Two people just know it if all the right feelings and stuff is there, you just do. It's a given, it's in your face.
Believe me when you really find that, you'll just laugh at all the bs.


As for moving straight into something new ,l just dunno how anyone does that.let alone people walking straight out of 20yr marriages and straight into someone else.
That l will never get. Hell the last thing l wanted to do after 19yrs was jump back into another frypan. No thanks ya.

Last edited by Chilli; 11th November 2017 at 5:00 PM..
Chilli is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th November 2017, 8:20 AM   #29
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: upstate New York
Posts: 83
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chilli View Post
Hell the last thing l wanted to do after 19yrs was jump back into another frypan. No thanks ya.
Mine was 28 years, 33 counting the pre-marital dating and 'living in sin' And I felt exactly the same way ..... until I ran into some (apparently) happily-married old friends at a social gathering and got 'wacked between the eyes with a 2x4'. When you're 'wounded' it's so easy to forget that good relationships are possible AND, at least for some people, a source or great happiness and fulfillment. Everyone is different. It took me several months and the aforementioned wack but I'm 'back on the bicycle'.
nospam99 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 12th November 2017, 8:41 AM   #30
Established Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 1,405
One of the first things I discovered when I started digging into how my "nice guy" qualities messed up everything for me was that I was getting to know women before deciding to ask them out when I should have asked them out first and then gotten to know them. Even though that seems totally strange to me - I view friendship and romantic interest as being on the same continuous spectrum - it's just a fact that so many women view them as completely separate tracks, much in the way that so many men can separate sex and love.

My advice for those of us with "nice guy" tendencies is that if in doubt, it is better to err on the cold-calling side rather than the "friendship" side. However, from what I've seen on LS and in other places, it sounds like actual cold-calling is a very low-probability venture. I think you somehow have to break out of the "complete stranger" role while avoiding really deep get-to-know-all-your-hopes-and-dreams type conversations. Probably a very tricky operation without lots and lots of practice.
GoodOnPaper is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
When is appropriate to start flirting and what are some good ways to start doing it? somedude81 In Search Of... 39 22nd March 2014 7:54 PM
Start acting weird/quiet when you start liking someone? Miko Dating 5 27th January 2011 4:28 PM
I want to start to live life, but don't even know where to start... kahn2154 General Relationship Discussion 1 4th July 2009 3:52 AM
When guys start to have genuine feelings..do they start to back away? chill chic Dating 12 5th April 2008 11:43 AM
Briding the gap between co-workers alongside romantic intentions? Guest In Search Of... 0 25th April 2007 11:08 PM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 4:34 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.